weeeeee

i'm back after gawd noes how many eons..tmr is the last day of project work then i shall be free from all these bringers of misfortune and boredom...yux. did i say i was bored? dont reali wanna see ppl from sch any more than i hafta... dont ask me y because if u were supposed to noe u wld have already.

and as for my personal life...my lips are sealed....


cant believe i'm in sch during the hols. groan.

bored

i dont know how to define this but it is kept safely under wraps until it's safe to be told.

gawd, miss hanging out..havent been out at all since the promos started. oya wonder what arif wants to say to me. scary, he said he's holding it back coz he doesnt want it to affect my grades. shall ask him later.

fairytales..................beauty and the beast..hehe, remember doing tt song wif debz during the busking season wif debz and the seniors in tkgs a few yrs ago. then nuha did the balcony scene of romeo n juliet. itz a bit scary doing stuff in a girls' school but i still miss those days though.


i bump into my classmates once in awhile while i'm out but our worlds have totally changed, not much to say.

but my bebeh and me still keeping things up. duh, best frens mah. juz laz nyt i toked to her. havent seen her for a month. maybe next wk we can go break fast together and drive geylang while. ewwww. what a disgusting thought.


today shall be a fun day with lots of shopping i hope. retail therapy is GOOD.

cant believe i'm still in school. yux.

fairytale

i like fairytales. dont u?



"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
ou should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you






and itz also because of you that i now recognise true love, friendship. and i learnt that tongues wont stop yakking until their hearts do. and by then the pain, itz irreversible.

woitttt

aloo aloo... lame cek tak datang sini... hehe exams finally over, now on a brilliant saturday morning when i should spend the day luxuriating in bed or going out, i am slaving away at the computer doing the bloody project work stuff... going to geylang later, finally.

i am happy now. very very very happy. but im not getting my hopes up.


as for the exams, SIGH. i dont care what i get, as long as it gets me to yr 3 i'm awfully glad ( meaning i get to leave this darling school asap)

i feel bad eating at 1015. but cant help it lah, hungry. aku takleh puase la. so i'm hiding in a corner of the com lab now...just finished doing work and waiting for aisyah to get her things done then i'm off....

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooney. mad. haha. but i like it that way.


shite i'm losing it. but havent been this contented with life for a loooooooong time. raya pon da nak dekat. though i'm kinda blah about it, this year it will be different for me. a whole new meaning. yay.

i promise you wont regret it. one of the best things that's happened to me.



H-a-p-p-y. and no one's gonna take it away from me this time. no one is gonna deny me the one thing that i want.

cepatttt

i've got 5 min to do this so it has to be fast...anyway, itz bar's bdae today..happy bdae moo...you idiot. dont ask me y i call him tt..anyway me in the com lab now, takde melayu..... feel so refreshed..ain beside me keeps saying she smells nice ( coz we juz had a bath)

anyway...tmr and sat me gg out yippeeeeeeeeeeee.... ah ye abis promos hancur

lol. ciao

i work hard for the monehhhhh

beb, what to get for your bdae ah..... nvm dont tell me i shall figure out sumtg...what if i dont come on the 24th? :P

anyway...damn exam season sekarang..both me and my student. get it over and done with...man i'm famished.... eh girl, must i break an arm before i can see you? must get admitted to the hospital baru nampak batang hidung kau agaknya... anyway, come and stay over at my place on that day la.... hmmzzz...persuade ur dad...

aku mcm kemaruk gambar eh..haha. aku malas nak arrange lawa2 la.. tengok je eh. gambar ni latest, last mth. yg selenge kat atas tu da lame jugak.






so yupzz.... that's me and my younger sis on my bdae in may..i like the pic :)

i'm still alive

dont worry i'm still alive and snoring.... have been busy with dance and what-nots and now that i actually have time for other things, i find it kinda weird...used to the late nights i guess.... hmmmzz... now in sch waiting for the rest of the ml a peepz before i head over to the beach...

and i'm hungry.. sigh.


anyway my darling bebeh, i'm happy but i'm not gay aite... com'on admit it u're the one with a huge crush on me... ur boyfren is juz a sorry excuse to cover up..lol....

kidding la.

so yeah, anything juz pop a message here la though i doubt i'll answer anytime soon hehe.. but yes i'm very much alive... ciao.

BACK!!!!!!!

hey...cant stop my itchy fingers from writing...... anyway itz a real pity to give up on the blog, coz it is already more than a year old now.... nothing much happening lately, so there's nothing to report. pretty boring actually... but itz good to be back here... do message me here aite.

heh.heh.heh

i think my bro needs to visit the shrink..gawd. do you know where you're going to.. do you like the things that life has shown to you...where are you going to... do you know.... all i noe is that time will prove who is right and who's wrong. and with that, ladies and gentlemen, i end this blog. itz not worth pouring out my feelings here ( albeit somewhat subdued due to unwanted attention) and then being skewered for it. this is my place. i didnt ask you to come. so from now on, whatever i feel, my triumphs, my failures, will be for me and for me only to know. and of course for those fully deserving of being told. without me running the risk of being ridiculed. but i am fully happy in the sense that i know you will get your returns in due time. all of you. including you, you who i had never doubted for the longest time, n now i've come to realise that you'r no different from them. damn you, i trusted you. goodbye singing-freak. goodbye to you. i've given you one too many chances and instead you spat in my face. lidah tidak bertulang ucapan cinta menghiris kalbu kukan pergi...membawa diri cinta dihati terkubur lagi mungkin satu hari insya'allah dengan izin tuhan kau akan tahu juga apa yang aku lakukan untuk kau selama ini. dan kau akan menyesal. dan aku harap kau akan berubah. namun aku tetap berharap kau senang dan bahagia sekarang. jangan sesiakan orang yang kau sayang. peace be upon you.

101

itz abang norman's 25th birthday today....eeee so old ready lol. today i've been an absolutely angelic person and stayed at home. besides, the weather was fantastic for perpetual hibernators like me.... i've got one last paper on monday then itz back to the normal lessons...tedious work and what-nots. so hopefully tonight i'll get some revision done because knowing my family, we'd probably be out the whole weekend. yesterday, even though din's house is like four bus-stops away from mine, i took a cab home because i simply couldnt muster enough strength to take those two bloody buses home. so imagine my surprise (and anger) when the taxi driver took me on a nice long ride around punggol when i told him about a million and one times that i stayed in sengkang. the idiot kept on scolding me and said " tak tau balik, cakap tak tau balik la" then i said i do know how to get home but how the hell was i to direct him if he kept on going deeper into punggol? ingatkan aku takde keje kepe rounding punggol??? so ya, in the end he went to block 142 punggol. ya allah i got so pissed off i said uncle, this is still punggol. my house is at block 142 sengkang, all the way at the other end. then he stopped the cab and talked to another driver. in the end he told me to take the other guy's cab. and he asked me to pay the fare which gullible me, agreed to... when i was in the other guy's cab he said that i wasnt supposed to pay.... that bastard asked for duit minyak. so instead of paying ard 3 bucks i paid 7. i dont really mind as long as i reached hm safe la, tapi bingitttttttttttttnye. so yupz........................yesterday was indeed an eventful day.

mendaaaaaakkkkk

bored. juz came back awhile ago from gallivanting with one of my favourite people on earth and elsewhere. supposed to resume mugging mania but i'm more than willingly sacrificing a quarter of an hour or so to update this ol' blog of mine, speaking of which, itz been over a year since i've kept this one, which means i've blogged for around four years. what a mountain of crap i've accumulated. but itz kidna nice to look at the old entries and see what i had to say regarding certain issues. certainly amusing sometimes. which also reminds me that itz would also be a year soon, since i met someone. oh well. i'm sick of having to always be the one to initate things. i'm NOT talking about sexual issues here lol. but yeah, it really pisses me off that i always end up apologising for eveything. may as well apologise for my existence. which also brings to mind that a lot of people want me dead. oh well.. you cant please everyone. cant wait for the exams to be over. but i have to be responsible for danial and din then....haiz..great expectations. night all... heading back to the land of swimming words and beckoning sleep.

cleopatra tak menjadi..lol

for this, i have to blame ms lenny. although i made it clear that i wasnt to put on all this nonsensical garb, i still had to in the end... n forgot the lyrics. major mistake as a singer. i think this was over 2 yrs ago... sigh. anyway....not in school today because of certain stuff..first of all, i'm tired. secondly, i need to sort out certain stuff that will never be finished if my ass is in school. nothing to update actually...juz woke up. hungryyyyyyyyy.

back again

i havent been blogging for over a week....school juz started again and so far itz been ok i guess... went out till late late night then had to teach tuition today...tired. i'm in for a lot of work. nothing much to update. mostly mediocre stuff. so yupz............ feel like falling asleep again but my guilty conscience wont let me. oh well... n kak yana..few weeks to freedom. hold on!!! and bebeh.... i love you. CHIN UP! even though i should say the same for myself. i didnt intend to cry on thurs. it was so trivial actually. what's the saying again..the straw that broke the camel's back? yeah. it was a catalyst for the leaky faucet to start..i guess i've held of things inside n that was the breaking point. well like i've said before airmata itu penghapus dosa. satu hari nanti wateva u've done to me will be haunting you. that's why i'm not doing anything about it. life has itz own queer ways of retribution which i am quite in favour of, istead of self-prescribed justice. just you wait.

mari dangdut bang....

itz scary when i watch ahan dance sometimes... he's so good that he freaks me out. i miss the jantan and pompuan joget days... it was only a few weeks ago but seems like forever now. anyway this picture was taken by our official Joget Club photographer Siti there in the blue shirt.. the dance was hilarious like i've said before. now when i think back the practices were loads of fun too. i remember one day when we were trying out new moves to incorporate and such... i dunno what the hell we were doing before that but somehow i ended up on akbar's back. that idiot then suddenly walked over to the front of the stage and thereatened to drop me. picture this : this bugger standing at the edge of the stage, about 2 metres high, and me perched on his back, clinging on for dear life. i didnt dare open my eyes. i dont think i would have made it back in one piece if he did drop me and according to aisyah, it looked like he was going to. told you i have a love-hate relationship with him. but then again, let me reiterate that we are just frens. in fact if i ever end up with any of these two...oh nevermind. gawd no thank you. think things are excellent in their current status. do you have a calculator? lol.

kelakar lah you ni

think i've overused a particular word in my vocabulary. idiot. no matter what the occasion, that word always resurfaces. and it doesnt necessarily mean that itz an insult ya. so i guess you can be happy if i call you one. i'm not exactly very lavish with my compliments, especially when it comes to les hommes. but yes, my point is that i am a HUGE ONE.idiot, that is. and in this case i dont mean it in a flattering manner.let me enlighten you. as you might know, i've been mostly bedridden ( hell, memories of things stuck in my veins suddenly appear. and someone's face. shoo.) since sunday, after i've come home from the 'ton' ning session at east coast and a trip to town to see some booty-shakin'. that night i felt weird, had the feeling i was coming down with something. and yeah, remembering what happened the last time i was majorly sick ( earlier this year when i had a horrible horrible bout of food-poisoning) i decided not to take any chances and stopped eating everything within sight like i normally do. i even had the great PRESENCE OF MIND to treat it like a detox session. of course, knowing ayu, it had to go all wrong...you know when you're sick you should never deprive yourself of much-needed things ( like FOOD you dumbass) but yeah, clever me went to do just the opposite. had just a slice of bread each day since mon. the funny thing was i spent the last couple of days in bed worrying that it was another case of food-poisoning because my stomach was on the verge off putting up a sign saying " ENOUGH GARBAGE!" or so i thought....it really was saying " GET MORE FOOD IN HERE YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!" i was actually experiencing hunger pangs.

i feel good now... sambal goreng has never tasted better. yum yum.

a vision of love - that is all that you've given to me

mak...sakit

i am in excruciating pain right now. have been since sunday night. if i dont make it through, i want you to know that i love you very very very much baby. always have and always will. gawd. such a drama mama. but i am in pain. seriously. cant get out of bed except to drink some water and fall back on the bed in a drunken stupor and not see anything else exept the next sunrise. or sundown. and can you believe it, i'm actually craving for lj's now. alas, cant even make it to the kitchen without visualising an oasis there. which is, in fact, probably the water i spilled when it was making its way to my mouth. oopsie. giggle. ooookie..think i'm becoming an utter floozie. back to the bed. dont make me close one more doooooooooooooooooor i dont want to hurt anymore stay in my arms if you dare or must i imagine you there dont walk away from me dont walk away from me dont you dare walk away from me ( wow... becoming quite a threat here. protection order is on its way) i have nothing nothing nothing if i dont have you.................... i'm going nuts. rock a bye baby.....

nyeh

"airmata itu penghapus dosa" stupid me. was cooking something in the kitchen then while waiting for it to boil went to my room and read up a few more pages.... and almost forgot about it. home alone today, so am busying myself in the kitchen experimenting. been out a lot last 2 weeks, spent the night at east coast two days ago, then headed to town to watch my friend. so yupz...got a fever today and i deserve it. ok not much to say but i think my radar senses someone 'new'. poor adam. hate being pressurised into anything, especially relationships. yucks. am 'dating' my friends now. so much better. lol. yum.. the food cooking excellently. can smell it from my room. think i'll have a fag too. ciao.

psycho bitch aye......hahahahaha

come on lah ppl don make me laff u have nothing better to do other than trying to make other ppl miserable izzit..... thank gawd for the others.. i'm showing you hypocrites the door. get out of my life.. this door wont open for you again. well seems like everything i say is taken out of context...and hilariously what i DONT say also surfaces....now who's psycho. but yeah...i'm happy with the way things are now. not farcical or just a show... but something real. and i have him to thank for it. although for us things are gonna be quite difficult, at least itz betta knowing that everything, even the fights, are real and not just a figment of some poor soul's imagination. think i wanna go out today. weather looks sunny enough for a day out. plus i've earned it. and yes, think i am finally over that good-for-nothing. scram you bastard along with the rest of you. itz mutual now that we dont need each other so if you dont mind, the door is open wide. and please remember your manners and shut it behind you. if you have any, that is. lol. all this hurts for now but i know retribution is on the way. and karma...well what goes around comes around. you'll get your fair share, darlings. muacks.. hahahahahaha. wat a funny world we live in. so full of liars, cheats and suck-uppers. i'm not a saint, hell i have done a lot of wrongs...well, enough said. the surface....well u really hafta look deep nowadays. they can say whatever they want to say..try to bring me down...but i refuse to fall. patience has itz own rewards. i'll wait.

one day all this will be behind me and i can juz laugh at all this trivialities....because i know myself better. and i've learnt to respect myself too. so do take your knife from my back and wipe it clean. i dont want any stains on the carpet.

pyscho??? i'll give you psycho. lol. you dont know what YOU'RE talking about. in the meantime grow up and learn to respect yourself and others. learn how to love, unconditionally. learn to forgive. learn about loyalty. THEN you can come and talk to me.

peace be upon you.

ooooooooweeeeeeeee

oh yum baby..... gawd so much stuff happening this week.... kinda confused but i got what i asked for- more excitement... dunno what to think now so i shant speculate....the impossible has also happened... i have learnt the hard way and now whatever happens to me if itz personal i shall be a lot more selective in the people i tell it to...damn you big-mouths. went out the whole of this week..tmr shall head to the beach to pig out..u noe the drill... food food and more food. yesterday went swimming with akbar...damn hilarious i tell u.... next week i dont think i'll be able to go out much..i do have a pending lunch date but i dunno whether i want to or not.. i am NOT bragging here..i'm amused by this sudden surge of interest from men... but thank gawd this time i'm single..and yes more selective again...... juz told someone off last night. well i shall not dither around here and juz tell you that i am very very very happy today. didnt expect to have that kinda feeling again so soon... maybe i've been having it but realising that i do is another matter altogether.

itz not love though. definitely. not yet anyway.

shite

damn.... now i'm NEGOTIATING about a date.... alamak.. shite lah. should i go?????? argh. ok... think i'll go. but weird..i've never gone out on a date with a close friend before...gulp... not used to it.

well there's always a first time.....

was listening to my mc cd and fell in love with a new song now... again, i wonder y i didnt earlier.

love takes time - mariah carey

I had it all
But i let it slip away
Couldnt see that I treated you wrong
Now i wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone

c/o

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that i was blind
To let you go
I cant escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I dont wanna be here.... alone

Losing my mind
from this hollow in my heart
Suddenly i'm so incomplete
Lord I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly

c/o
You might say tt itz over
You might say tt you dont care
You might say you dont miss me
You dont need me
But i know tt you do and i feel tt you do...
Inside




nice..wonder if anyone thinks of me these days

nice line

" the greater the love, the greater the tragedy "

wee

ok so the show's over..but it was the most fun thing i've done in awhile... albeit the most cocked up but it was syiokkkkkkk. i bet i looked ridiculous with the arm bands at my elbows. and it was hilarious when the ping!ping! sounds broke my concentration on stage...but yeah..it was a cool performance. i was laughing the whole time. btw, the ping!ping! sounds are actually all our arm bands dropping onto the stage floor........


finally got to know them a whole better.. sitting at marina square on sat was nice...romantic even. hmmm...i should say itz a bit shocking and graphic what i've heard but now i'm all the wiser about the issue..and more open-minded. so yupz here i am with this cream on my face ( i dunno wat but it smells like calamine lotion to me) drinking milo and being bored.... but i guess i'm doing ok... occupied with stuff right now but my smoking has gotten worse... sigh... find myself buying pack after pack... but at least i'm not on reds anymore..but tobacco is still tobacco right...
i'm hungry.. actually i need a fag more but cant. damn. just now i had to lots to say but it has all gone kaput now. reading schindler's list for the second time.... cool stuff.


i dunno wat the hell is the problem with me and akbar............... arghhhhhh. we fight too much! the whole time we're out..and that's quite often, we're like shuddup lah... go away lah.. and i'm forever hitting him. yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? so damn irritating. bah. shall msg him later. how the hell did i become his dance partner and survive the whole thing? and how come at the end of the day, although we squabble like little kids A LOT, my head still lands on his shoulder? weird stuff i tell you...


fuck....the whole thing is starting again right under my nose... do i have the heart to wreck a happy family...MINE???? gawd i need help on this. immediate relief would be of course a fag. thank gawd for hueva first discovered the joy of tobacco.

and please stop having preconceived notions abt me..stop feeling sorry for me, stop thinking that you know how i feel because damnit u dont know me. and stay out of my business. all u bloody mothafuckas have done enough damage.


on a lighter note....... i've discovered a true friend. for now. as for love...who the hell is *****?????????????? huh????????

phuck you

sigh sigh sigh.... am so tired today.... ah boy has finally been circumsized.... but i cant see him yet coz i'm having my period. i dont see the connection there but then again... waddeheck... lotsa things dont make sense...like how i can go on and on and on loving someone although it doesnt make sense to me at all....

and it doesnt make sense what the hell u were trying to do... but dont you come to me saying.. oh i hope u're fine ( bcoz i'm not. i have a stiff neck from patting the baby to sleep and not having any myself and spending the whole night resting my head on my arm) and that u're in this and that and i read your blog everyday because u bloody bastard, i dont fucking care.... you have made my life hell when i clearly gave up so much for you but you never fucking appreciated me.

but who am i kidding. i still care about you no matter what. i still dont understand y now, so many months after all the shit started i still forgive your every wrong when knowing myself i'd usually have run far away by this time. and i dont understand y all this shit happened to me.


so yupz here i am typing away with a stiff neck and trying hard to make some sense out of my life. i dont regret what happened but it does leave a bitter taste in the mouth..
love...such a funny word.

LIARRRRRRRRRRRR

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him

I hate YOU.

damn mothafuckas. hypocrites.

alamak

oops..havent blogged for so long... dunno wat to say la these days...lack of happenings.... hmm..went to cut my hair yesterday and mah permed hers..then today i'm going with ain to go perm hers.... i think i should probably set up this service where i accompany lonely ladies to the salon... yeah right. and die of boredom there... dunno whether i wanna change my hair colour over the hols..cant really be bothered to keep changing it...

these days i dunno what to feel about most matters. i suppose the only thing i can do is wait and see. kinda exasperating how things are sometimes but i guess i hafta put up with it la. not much choice though if i had the chance i'd like to run away from it all and start anew where preconceived notions about me are not gonna take place. kinda makes me sick sometimes. i know i'm not a saint either but i know where to draw the line.

so yeah... hope for the best.

yesssss

hahahahahaha...so damn happy, the last night filled with paranoia about my supposedly missing PI, culminated in me finding that it was always there. and then this morning mrs koh said it was good. yay. worth my lack of sleep.

hmmm....dont have much to say these days, just been bz with schoolwork and stuff...... no social life, unfortunately.... met mamat coincidentally the other day when i was with bebeh at techno. i could have been abitch and totally embarrassed him by calling him and asking about him and his girlfriend. but of course i didnt. there have been so many instances when i could have embarrassed the hell out of people but i chose not to. what for, other than momentary glee i dont gain much else.

so yup.... gtg to toa payoh again today, hopefully it doesnt rain again. but i've finished my schoolwork, even malay so i'm kinda relaxed now. except for investiture. damn it.


yawn.

EIGHTEEN

Tomorrow morning at 6.20 am i shall be 18. as in told bebeh just now, doesnt make that much of a difference to me other than my being able to get fags a whole lot easier now.

anyway, HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!!! =)

one last cry

i think like this song, i've cried my last tears. but i dunno how things are going to work out between me n him because we are after all friends...but it cant be any worse than this right.

one last cry - brian mcknight

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry
Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lieI know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....
I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...

break

have two free periods now so godeh-ing the computer in the library as always.... hmmmm..he seems pissed with me..gulp. but then again it was my own doing so i apologise...really sorry dear. this isnt a good explanation but itz that time of the month.....sowieeeeee...as if u read my blog ah.. well soon enough la. when u're out of camp. the 13th i think. which means you cant celebrate my birthday with me....but u can call right..otherwise it'd juz totally suck man, mean, u not being able to leave camp this weekend of all days... bah.

by the way for the extremely uninformed, my birthday's this saturday.. which is the



7th of May. 7th of May. 7th of May. 7th of May.


but i'm not doing anything this year lah. so old already. Juz go out n eat with my family i guess. No clubbing, not into it. N honey, i'm so sorry u were denied the chance of hearing me sing. Next time i promise. Miss ya darling. Heh. N i've not met a sweeter guy than u in ages...really love the ermmm... innovative??? way u apologised to me. now, if only u'd look at me when we talk, that'd be perfect. hehe. hugs.


i'm toking absolute nonsense. hafta go over to toa payoh stadium today. i'm scared. but itz inevitable. thank gawd for you. u're a godsend. dont be angry with me anymore ok. miss ur nonsense. wanna talk to u too.

bah

back from school...damn tired la..... went to go check out some stuff at tm wif amy first.

well we've gone out... letz just say he didnt wreck it..though for the life of me i dont know why he was talking to himself all the time, cant even look at me....kinda weird, coz the last time i saw him he was this chirpy fellow then yesterday soooo ermmm...weird?

anyway...yesterday afternoon i was in town with amy then i was supposed to go meet him in pasir ris before he books in but somehow the plan changed and the sweet darling that i am ( although never appreciated) i went to bukit batok, near his place...took the car and rounding2 the area, went to the bukit gombak quarry thingy (it is a quarry right....?) and juz talk2 la. interesting, compared to watching movies all the time.... and he was a perfect gentleman. well cant say that i know him much but so far he's all right.... juz that i'm a bit irritated that the time i spent with him was equal to the time i took to reach home...but it was ok lah. though weird. did i mention weird?? i dunnolah, he was acting funny.... so stiff....sorry if it was my fault though :)

dunno whether i'm gonna see him again soon but yupz....nice guy.

fuYoO

wow. love this song, wonder how come i never heard it earlier....

Boyz II Men
Water Runs Dry

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus:
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby

Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
'Cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away

Chorus

Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus

Don't do it baby(2x's)

sad aye.... but i've learnt that maybe we weren't meant for each other. we should never have tried in the first place, i realise that now. but i'm thankful because it made me realise that i'm able to love, wholly and selflessly.

and now that i'm getting to know this 'new guy', i realise that by being stubborn and refusing to let go, i would have missed out on a chance to have a proper relationship with someone who has always been there, and will probably be able to give me what i want from a relationship. to know that i'm loved, that i'm the only one in his heart. no girl likes having to share. i never told ***** to break up with her because i already knew what the answer would be. even from the start. so yes, i wont forget that relationship, it has taught me a lot about love. and i hope the next one i embark on will not hurt me like that one did.

on a lighter note, we mutually decided to cancel today's date and meet on monday instead. kesianlah he just back from camp n my foot still hurts :( the bugger wants more time with me apparently. hehe. i actually feel so much happier these days. thank you darling.

sad life

seems like most of the time i spend in school is spent in the library nowadays. every week surely there has to be a teacher who's absent. supposed to be history now but we get to roam the kampung. then after that i've got ml a. bah. there's nothing much happening these days actually, just that yesterday i twisted my foot and itz aching now. damn. juz tot of wearing heels tmr, havent worn them for a long time. must settle for slippers then. bugger.

i'm damn tired, sent tiara off to school this morning. felt so much like a mother. awwwwww... okie my mind going blank la, this library's too crowded, cant get my thoughts sorted out.

foolish

like the song. nothing much these days, trying to clear my workload... well me and that guy..we're still talking on the phone and smsing. getting to know each other that's all. the last thing i need is to jump into another relationship.. i am tireeeeeeeed. came freakin' late to school today, was doing work at home. i juz realised i can get work done early in the morning too when itz all quiet. tot i could only do tt at night. well we learn something new everyday... going out during the weekend...havent been out for so long. i wonder how he looks like now..hehe. havent seen him for abt 4 months. well if he wrecks the date he wont ever see me again that's for sure. but somehow i think it will be gooood. notti notti. hey, give me a break lah. i havent really seen anyone for almost two years now and a girls's gotta have some fun right??? not counting the people i date on and off lah. heh.

my tagboard disappeared when i changed my template back to this one, sorry guys. i'll see what i can do abt it. this of course means i cant be bothered anymore. blearggggh. did i mention i'm tireeeeed?? oh gawd the school is sending me for a debate comp. and i hafta stay over at the campu from the 28th till the 2nd...i dowannnnnnn! got enough work on my hands already. maybe this is my own doing. next time they have debates i shall shut up and not comment on anything. be a bimbo. bimbos have it so much better than i do....sigh. damn tkgs for drilling debate stuff into my head. but then again teachers have this scary ability to tell who knows what the hell is going on and who doesnt. freaky.... i dowan toooo goooooooo.... someone please kidnap me then... an unwilling soul wont do justice to the debate let me tell u first. sigh. but dont think i can cabot lah. bugger.

my lit lesson's starting in 5 min... bah.

vell vell vell

yupz..... i am so very happy these days..... my life has never been more cheery than this.... all thanks to a new man in my life. i shall not reveal too much about him coz we're still like..frens and trying to see if things might work out between us but i feel like we do have something there. well he's a very sweet person, that's all i can say... and he shares the same sentiments that i do abt relationships....basically somebody i wouldnt mind being in a relationship with. how wemet and all is rather interesting but i will only talk abt it when things are more concrete between us. some of you already know of course.... thank gawd i found you baby.. =)

glooommmmyyy daaaay

sigh. feel horrible. stupid thing called love. sigh. sigh. sigh.

in love again

i am in love with this song from mario. r&b....fuyoo~ i like.

mario - how could you

oh oh... whoa no no no no
Said I'm lonesome Babe
[1st Verse] It's kinda crazy babe
How I remember things
Like where you came from
And how you had nothin I went and made you fly
Put extras on your ride
Didn't miss a birthday
Now you cant even remember mine
[You made it clear to me]
You wasnt down for me
[Love made me blind baby]
But now I see
[You had things up your sleeve Dont even lie to me]
I even heard it from your family
Chorus: How could you let somebody lay where I laid?
How could you give him everything that we made?
How could you call him all the names that you used to call me?
How could you,
How could you just forget about me?
How could you teach him all the things i taught you?
How could you put him up to the Ghetto Karmasutra?
How could you put me in the back and give him the front seat?
How could you,
How could you Just forget about me?...yeah
[Verse 2]
You must be out your mind
You got a lot of nerve [To think that im gon' chill after all the shit i heard]
I gently carried you
I could of married you
Good thing I found out
Before I brought that seven carat for ya
[I know your sick about]
The way I found you out
[Go head and pack it out]
I hope he's got room in his house
[You should of thought of me before you hopped in the sheets]
Damn i cant believe that you did this to me...Baby!
[chorus]
[Verse 3]
Girl I tried to give you everything
Cant believe the ways you repayed me
Girl you had it all
But I guess my all
Wasn't good enough for you
Baby i've accepted it
And I aint gon' trip
Girl i'm movin' on
Sometimes I cant help but think
That another man's gonna get the one I made for me
[Yeaaahhh ooohhh baby]
[chorus]
[verse 4]
How could you
How could you
Just go and lay there
How could you
How could you
Give him everything
How could you
How could you
Call him all names like that
How could you babe
How could you babe
How could you
How could you
Teach him everything
How could you
How could you
Out him to the ghetto Karmasutra
How could you
How could you...



rob thomas - lonely no more

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me
That you’ll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby
[chorus]
Well, I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore
Oh, oh, oh, ohOh, oh, oh, oh
Now it’s hard for me
When my heart’s still on the mend
Open up to me
Like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it’s harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Let me say anything just to get you back again
Why can’t we just try
[chorus]
I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore
Oh, oh, oh, ohOh, oh, oh...
What if I was good to you
What if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise
What if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life
To find some way to stand beside you
[chorus]



singing. the antidote for the hurt.

do you really love me?

another post from frenster thought that triggers my thoughts on well.....you. if you are in love or think that you are, then this should be interesting. my comments are in the brackets.
----- start of bulletin post
For all you people who say, "I love you" whenyou have no clue what love is exactly!!!Something to ponder upon...

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?? -It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her/him -It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off?? -It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want her because you know she's/he's there?? -It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you with her/him because it's whateveryone wants??It isn't love, it?s LOYALTY.

Are you with her because she/he kissed you, or held your hand?It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for her/him confessions of love,because you don't want to hurt her/him?It isn't love, it's PITY. (my comments : i dont need no fucking pity from any bugger. love me for me)

Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat??It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?It isn't love, it's a LIE. ( i agree. hell i think about a freakin' load of people. but it aint the same if it aint u )

Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?It isn't love, it's CHARITY. ( I wouldnt give up singing for the world. just tt i sing to a different crowd i guess, meaning just u. but if u love me for who i am, u wouldnt ask me to give it up)
=====================================

Does your heart ache and break when she's sad?Then it's LOVE. ( so dont u ever say again that it doesnt matter what u say or do. or that u dowan to drag me along with u. tt's dumb and u noe it. wateva happens i want to noe. even if i cant help u i'd still listen to what shit u're going thru)

Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?Then it's LOVE. ( like i said before, even if u think u can manage it on your own, not for a second am i satisfied. i always feel like i havent done enough)

Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?Then it's LOVE. (this needs no elaboration)

Do you stay because a blinding,incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him?Then it's LOVE. ( again another thing that needs no clarification because i dont understand why these things happen either. all i know is that they do)

Do you accept her/his faults because it's apart of who she/he is?Then it's LOVE. (sometimes i just want to bloody slap you. or i tell you u're stupid or a bastard. but itz you. and that's who i'm in love with, faults and all)

Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret??Then it's LOVE. (sure. many times i've thought....if only this...if only that. but at the end of the day you realise that only that person can make you whole)

Would you give her/him your heart, your life,your death??Then it's LOVE. ( u are my world. n you know about the death part.)

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so,why do we love? ( because it is the most basic thing for us; to crave for love. to madness???? maybe. but to noe that u're loved by someone is a feeling that surpasses everything else.)

Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self? Why?The answer is so simple cause it's...LOVE.It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.Pass this to all your friends so they don't make the same mistake with their LOVE LIVES!!I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past...Love hurts our feeling, but it's also the reason our soul heals...

-----end of bulletin post

what is life without love. what is love without sacrifices. who am i without you.

something i've thought abt

was looking thru my frenster stuff then found this particular bulletin post that mirrors my thoughts sometimes. it has always crossed my mind actually.


I knew from the beginning..
That you were just a flirt..
And yet I fell in love with you..
Knowing I'd be hurt...
I thought I could tie you down..
And make you love just one..
But how could I do something that no one else has ever done..
I'll know you never love me...
And I'm trying not to cry...
For I must find the strength somehow to kiss yourlips goodbye..



well what can i say.... been there done that got the t-shirt.

have u ever had to let someone go although that someone was your life?

and u let that person go; in your heart thinking that if you were meant to be, he will come back to you..........





mc - butterfly

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb
To overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined
I could keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart
Will lead you back to me
When you're ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt
From almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
(Fly to the sun)
If you should return to me
(I will know you were mine)
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
(Spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

for my bebeh

i was halfway thru writing an entry laz evening when my dad hollered so i logged off. without saving the entry. clever gegerl. anyways...itz a straight 4 free periods today..havent got much to do since i've done my work over the weekend. hooray2.

so yupz..wanted to write a tribute to my bebeh. not like she's dead but muz u wait until u lose someone b4 u'd tell her that you love her? hint hint. this best friend of mine..well i can count on her to tell me how she feels, and it's the same for me and we dont judge each other...the good thing i like abt her is she never fails to make me laugh. she's been with me thru thick and thin, we've laughed, cried, done everything together as girlfriends. lepaking at ur house has got to be the most favourite thing to do for me these days. i wont forget that particular day when i was on mc and i bought u breakfast and came knocking on ur door at 9...u were groggy, n NOT HAD UR BATH. we watched sepet, and yes it is a gd movie.... although i didnt think he was cute at all bebeh..sorry bout that. but the storyline was sooooo sweeeeeeeet...especially in the taxi when she called him... and i like her parents..hehe. i remember u screaming that u wanted to get a ceena boyfren and i wanted to get married..hehe.. u cried while watching n i was thinking...fuck, dont cry... my hand was trembling as i reached for my cigarettes i tell u...sooooo sad. but yeah...sitting in the living room, eating, smoking and screaming.... those precious moments are what every girl would want to keep with her for the rest of her life. and when we were in school together... damn crappy huh? in the bus, we would sit on the upper deck and i would sing n u'd be my back-up singer.... yes he was singing my life...two time two time... those were the days.... but i guess our frendship has matured in the sense that we both have had to deal with difficult issues..but the most heart-warming thing is you were there the whole time. u told me what i did was stupid, but u did not question my feelings towards that someone. you tried to understand the situation and u never judged us. in fact i tell u now that u were the one who made me realise what my true feelings were. u made things brighter when we meet after a particularly trying day. if u were a guy i would have fallen for u but no darling...u noe perfectly well i am one straight woman so too bad huh... haha.


and yes, next time u neet iman and ijat tell them i DO NOT wear straps. hah. if u cant, punch them too.


you look exactly like what a best friend should look like. we never had an argument before, not even a tiny one. i guess we both realise that our friendship is too much of a precious thing to waste it on unnecessary stuff. so yupzzzzzzz...... thank you for always being there for me.. for believing in me and never doubting my intentions. muacks...... i love you to bits.

* kosong, kosong, kosong still kosong what!!!!*

laparrrrrrrrr.

i'm hungry!!!!!!!! i havent had anything yet..of course lah. itz only like 10.3o...? heh. yesterday i ate like a pig. was ah boy/mamat/muhammad saifuddin/ my annoying brother's birthday...and my dad's. so yupz..ate cake which wasnt chilled..wanted to puke i tell u.. my mum NEVER listens to me. and lotsa other stuff. but havent had rice for the past 4 days. siao.

anyway..am in the library now. have 7 free periods. abd we end at 5.15. bloody nonsensical timetable. i DEMAND a new one to be drawn up immediately. if i came across as spoilt to u, that's because i am. not by my family certainly, but my frens know how manja i am.. lolx. akbar says i wouldnt eat unless you feed me.. really that bad ah? lol...

another earthquake last evening off sumatra, padang that area i think. but i'm going there in december so i'm praying hard nothing happens anymore, or while i'm there. i plan to do something sweet on thursday..hehe. but it depends on whether i can squeeze some time off my hectic schedule. cheh..like some diva liddat ah. hmmm....didnt get to go to the gig yesterday..damn. they had to ask yesterday of all days.nvm will meet up with them next wk or something. my pc at home is going bonkers. i seriously need to sort out my thought process. i can ramble on and on till the moon turns purple.

okie dokie got nothing to say so shall end it here. more next time. hasta la vista....bebeh.

orh yes reminder for me to write abt bebeh the next time round :)

mariah carey

my idol. hmm. still lazing ard in skool. bah humbug.

got the lyrics of these two lovely songs. i wish i could have a juz a fraction of her talent and success.


Can't Take That Away (Mariah's Theme)



Mmmmh
Whoaaa
They can say,
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's,
There's a light in me,
That shines brightly,
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
From me
No no nooo
Oh they,
They can do
Anything they want to you,
If you let them in,
But they won't ever win,
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
See I,
I have learned,
There's an inner peace I own,
Something in my soul that they can not possess
So I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade
'Cause there's,
There's light in me me,
That shines brightly, yes
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
No oh oh,
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go
Woah, woah
They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Although they do try,
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or lose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me,
That shines brightly yes
They can try but they can't take that away from
Me
From me
No no nooo
Me







and this song is soooooooo nice. sigh.




Thank God I Found You



[MC:]
Ahhhm
Mhhh
[98 Degrees & Joe:]
Oh yeah
[MC:]
I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found unvarnished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heartache would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life
[all:]
Thank God I found you
(Yeah yeah)
I was lost without you
(I was lost)
My every wish and every dream
(Mmmmh)
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
'Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you
[MC & Joe:]
Mmmh
Oh yeah
Whoaaaaaa
Oh yeah
[98 Degrees & Joe:]
I will give you everything (everything)
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do (oh no)
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
'Cause without you beside me I can't survive
Don't wanna try
(I don't wanna try)
If you keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be allright (be allright)
'Cause I need you in my life
[all:]
Ooooh
Thank God I found you
(I'm thanking you)
I was lost without you
(So lost without you)
My every wish and every dream
(Every wish, every dream)
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight (brought the sunlight)
Completed my whole life (completed)
I'm overwhelmed with graditude (overwhelmed with graditude)
('Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you)
And I'm so thankful I found you
[MC & Joe:]
Oooooh
(See)
See I was so desolate before you came to me
Looking back (looking back)
I guess it shows that we were destined
To shine over the rain to appreciate
The gift of what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel
This way
(This way)
[all:]
Thank God I found you
(Yeah yeah)
I was lost without you
(Lost without you baby)
My every wish and every dream
(And every dream)
Somehow became reality
Oooooooh
When you brought the sunlight
(Brought the light)
Completed my whole life
(My whole life)
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
See baby I'm so thankful I found you
Oooooooh
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
(So overwhelmed)
My baby I'm so thankful I found
You
You
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
My baby I'm so thankful I found
(I found you)
You

you have no idea what you mean to me. baby i'm so thankful i found you.

in the library now, i have 4 periods b4 gp..that's the only lesson i have for today. the timetable that the school churns out is getting more and more ridiculous. itz definitely advocating absenteeism on my part. but then again it has always been a great joy for me. hah. well yesterday was interesting.

daddy, ah boy n adik's bdae coming up soon, on the 10th and 11th.. i think this year itz my turn to be a spoilt brat and do a tiny celebration thingy. 18..tsk tsk. which is on the 7th of may. 7 th of may 7th of may 7th of may.. oh dear how this thing echoes my every word. :)

today i hafta head over to toh tuck to be a busybody for the cca shit. not that i want to but when u r in the exco everything becomes ur business whether u like it or not. my cousin's wedding was very fun.. i remember she was telling me the night before the sanding abt her husband and we were like....bitching abt men.. hehe. wow. finally one of my cousins is married. n the next person who asks when my turn is will end up with a swollen lip at the very least. it hasnt crossed my mind yet but when it does i'll tell u and blast it on a loudhailer. made frens with all my guy cousins' girlfriends save one. we were bitching abt her. muahaha. kay lyea, amacam?? hehe.

kak erni wants to get pregnant asap... she's only 23..i cant picture myself pregnant at that age. wouldnt even be married yet i guess. but yeah i respect that some people are not as career-minded as i am.. hehe. juggling a career and kids is not an easy thing. i guess i want both to be carried out perfectly. i don think i'm as multi-tasking as women are supposed to be.

i guess when i'm in love i do give all of myself though. which is both a weakness and a strength. blah. my eye-bags are huge today. damn. i wonder what exactly cik biah saw that day in town. oops. but i guess itz ok. bound to happen.


this is the first time i actually have something to write about when i'm the library. well there's always a first for everything. my, i am a boring writer. and i noe i dont make sense but itz my party and i'll cry if i want to...... my mood is dangerously hovering between deliriously happy and down in the dumps. we'll see.

yay

for once i think i might be making a little progress in my career...however things are not for certain yet so i'm not pinning hopes on anything. i feel so sosososososososo tired and angry right now. whoa. pms definitely rearing itz ugly head at me.

okie. got a whole gang of guys over at my place. my sis' frens. evern she believes that guys are better frens then girls. hi 5.

found someone new

yupz. i have found someone new. finally. this someone wont make me cry. this someone wont stab me in the back. this someone will be with me for the rest of my life.

i am in love with this new someone. and no one can take this person away from me. this person will never hurt me.


i am contacting no one for now. good bye world.

i like this. so sweet

now shuddup i noe i'm supposed to be pissed. this is a sign of pms. but this is a really sweet posting i found on my frenster thingy...... :)



GALS...

Find a guy who calls you beautifulinstead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without make up on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

GUYS...

Find a girl who calls you baby instead of hot or sexy
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes
and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
Wants to be with you in public,
even ifyou wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy,
who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"




and this my addition: wait for the guy who says i love you n u can see it in his eyes.
wait for the guy who you think of even when u're with other guys.
wait for the guy who cries for you.
wait for the guy your heart sings for.
wait for the guy you cant live without.
wait for the guy whose voice can make you cry.
wait for the guy who would go to the ends of the world for you.
wait for the guy you think of when u wake up.
wait for the guy who's been waiting for you all his life.

i am waiting.

over.....

mummy...itz oveeeeeeeerrrrrrr... hmmm i bid a tearful goodbye to the examinations... ya right.

hmmm.. i absolutely refuse to go to the wedding today. i am in no mood. y should i go when my love life is in such a mess? makes me feel rotten. which i alreaady am feeling right now. n i will get even more irritated if vonzell gets voted out. i love her.

my mum wants to do girly stuff right now. she wants me to colour her hair. all i want to do is stuff that bloody thing down the toilet bowl and sleep for eternity. i feel drained. really. n i lost the ring that i was in love with. there is no way i'm ever gonna buy a ring again unless someone buys it for me. which is never.

I AM NOT GOING TO NO FUCKING WEDDING! now stay out of my way while i sulk the rest of the day away. i hate relationships. i hate YoU.

exams. darn.

yup yup.... itz the exam season right now. and frankly i'm not very confident of doing well this time considering that i forgot to bring my european history file home. damn smart. but i guess i never could bank on history ever since i entered this skool. totally lost interest innit though i did get a distinction for it for the o's. how times have changed.

hmmm... been studying history since last week so i guess sea is kinda settled.. and my lit has alsways been okay, despite the lack ( read: NONE) of effort that i put in these days. ayu, ayu....

wedding next week. got no clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but yupz, looking forward to meeting people i hardly see. and hopefully got eye-candy. muahahahaha..soooooo romantic, meeting at a wedding. aiyoh practically everything is over romanticised these days. even i'm guilty of doing tt.

my maternal instincts are resurfacing. hehe... poor afiq has been kissed to death. but he's such a darling i cant help it. n no, i'm not about to pour hot coffee or wateva on babies. siao.


i'm toking crap so i suppose i'd betta get going before i dont make any sense. but then again itz already the case right now.

sekoool

i'm at sekool and looking at the newbies i cant help laffing..seems so long ago that i first stepped into the campus...but then again.... maybe it hasnt been that long. i'm munching on forbidden ovaltines..oh, the object of childhood desires..how we take such things for granted.

and while i'm dwelling on the subject of taking things for granted, i guess i hafta lean back and let things chill for a while. frankly i'm tired out. i look like a panda btw.
today i hafta go over for some probably unimportant meeting. yawn. itz gp after this..hooray2.

cant write in sekool. damn. and i'm staring at my first lit assignment's marks. not good not bad. let's just say itz in the double-digits. for a last minute thing i guess itz okay.

i really cant be bothered with cheemology. as long as i get my message across its fine with me. ( READ : TRY USING FOUL LANGUAGE ) hehe. okay.brain juice is seriously going kaput.. toodums for now. and can you see i seriously lack organisational skills.

almost here

i wish i didnt have to ask for it..but have a u heard the song by brian mcfadden and delta goodrum? itz entitled "almost here" i think.....

my sentiments exactly.... always ALMOST there...but never really there for me. n i resent that. itz painful to be left out of everything...i want to be there for every li'l thing, not juz the significant moments.

when i wasnt his, he made lots 0f effort to get me and when he finally did.....well... sigh.


i guess goodbye is it for now.

carwash

well not really. more like CARPARK! make sure there's lotsa hand lotion and what-not. heh. kidding lah... i've done enuf housework today to realise that no amount of lotion is gonna get me baby soft skin ever again. n yupz better mood nowadays. post pms mood. who am i kidding. my mood swings are horrichible. hate to think what will happen wen itz the menopausal stage. poor hubby.

damn. i'm embarrassed. was clad in a towel then my aunt called so picked up the phone when the window was wide open. oops. poor construction worker. ahahaha.

i am in love with exist......... i likeeeeee. oh gawd itz such a stuffy day. thank gawd i'm going out. but it looks like itz gonna rain soon. damn.

i wanna go OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT. been jailed at home ever since i came back from k.l..... today, shall fag like there's no tomorrow. oh the joy of cigarettes... u devil u.


ok more another day. a long bath..... yummy. muah baby.

hmmm.....

sometimes i wonder if it's worth doing all this.. i dont know whether all the sacrifices and the pain, the tears, the waiting is known to that person... like right now i feel so blardy hurt but i doubt that person knows, just being in his own world not caring whether as a result of his ignorance he's hurting me deeply. but maybe itz that trait of his that i'm in love with. oh well.. it sucks.

i hate you for doing this to me.

aku kembali...cedebah

the trip was nice.... malas aku nak tulis banyak2. korang nak tau tanye jelah eh.. apesal aku tulis dlm bahasa melayu ni... must be the trip's fault. hehe.

i am actually a very pissed person today so this song is very apt for my mood. muakakaka. fell in love with it last night.


Masih Terserlah Ayumu

Cepat benar engkau pergi
Hujan masih belum berhenti
Banyak benar soalan ku tadi
Hatimu terusik kini... ooo
Sebagai kekasih ku
Layak aku bertanya
Sekuat mana cinta mu
Adakah insan lain di hati mu selain ku
( korus )
Sayang bukannya sehari dua
Percintaan kita ini
Yang dipersudah dipateri
Sayang jangan ikut perasaan
Marah jangan disimpan
Ku hanya ingin menduga
Dan kini aku tahu
Satu kekasihmu hanya aku
Marilah kasih aku dendangkan
Lagu yang pernah mencuri hatimu
Ooo.. marilah kasih biar kusimbah
Api kemarahan yang membakar di benak
Di benak mu...
( ulang dari korus )
Terpaksa ku berlari
Memintas mu dari pergi
Akan ku belai rambut mu yang basah
Masih terserlah ayunya wajah mu
Walau pun marah
Walau pun marah, ayu wajahmu
Masih terserlah... ooo...
Ayu wajahmu...



don't ever ask me that question again. anyway.... been sleeping lots today because i'm bored and angry.. sleeping is the only antidote to that. kenape u sanggup buat i macam gini ah? syiok eh buat orang marah.


anyway about the trip...i am guilt-ridden. oops i did it again... gulp.

going awayYYYyyYYYy

break away......

good thing to do right now. tommorow i'lkl be off to k.l.... for a few days and then itz back to the boring life in singapore. i plan on being a good girl. gawd. people are crying when i'm going for a couple of days only. cant imagine if i'm gonna be overseas for years.

okay cant write much i hafta go buy stuff and meet someone before ironing all the clothes that i'm bringing.... hope it'll be fun without shit happening.

BITCHHhhhHHHHHhHHHHHHHHH!

stupid sodding daughterofbitches....... i hate you bloody bitches. for once can you stop meddling with my affairs? if i wanna jump down or get married tomorrow what they hell u wanna do about it? stupid.

and my pet peeve is never ever ever ever touch my stuff without telling me. as a result of someone doing that, there are two broken perfume bottles, a damaged tissue box, clothes all over the house and some other stuff i dunno wat. dont ever mess with my stuff. especially my shoes and slippers. big no-no. as my mum found out.

i need to chill. i need food. i need chocolate. i need tender loving care but no way in hell i'm getting it today from the person who's supposed to give it to me. i need a break from you morons. i need a holiday. i need money. i need the bloody company to sponsor me otherwise itz their loss. fuck you. i dont need your backstabbing. fuck you all.

i need to get the hell out of this place. i need to scream. i need to go out. i need a hug. need a nice long kiss. i need to laugh. i am tired. very tired. so stop messing with me because i can be very very nasty. really.

today's a bad day as you can see. n till someone helps me get out of this utterly maddening state everyone in my house is going to suffer.

STAY OUT OF MY WAY. N I MEAN IT. PLEASE GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY SIGHT. EVERY SINGLE ATOM OF YOU.

my BoOoOOOooOOOOOoo

[Usher intro:]
There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby
ooh you'll always be my boo
[Alicia intro:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock[Usher verse:]
Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby



assuming (and wishfully thinking) that i'd go pro one day, i'd love to be with someone way before i'd get a taste of fame. it'll be so cool like..years down the road itz like..baby, see we're still together.... yupz.... i very much want that to happen. but dunnolah time will tell. but hopefully i'll still be the same ayu that you know. i dont want anything to change US.

i dont think i'd want to be with someone in the same industry as i am though. i know i'd just get fed-up of it all and leave one fine day.

i know you love me
love me for who i am
coz years before i became who i am
baby you were my man

blogging in skool

fuck. i hate the school computers. my typing goes haywire. also the thought of someone sneaking up behind me and reading my not-so-desirable thoughts are kinda worrying. but yupz...boredom got the better of me. spent lit today at the back of e lib, sleeping away while the class did i know not what. oh dear. someone is in a bad mood today. damn. no loving for me today then. i sometimes hate smses, you can easily misinterpret what soemone is saying and a small issue can be blown out of proportion. i feel like eating something hot and spicy but i have no idea what. someone asked me out yesterday but i wasnt in the mood at all. when that happens, i usually end up banging the pots and pans in the kitchen or cleaning up the house. cooked nasi lemak yesterday btw. yummmy. feel like baking brownies today. but by the time i get home any illusions of being in the kitchen is usually wiped out from my brain.


a woman takes a song into her heart

i've just realised how damn irritating i can be when i'm listening to music. itz switched on freaking loud and i'm bopping ( if itz poppish) along to it...and i dont care what the rest of the world does. itz like being in love, to hell with the rest of them........ and today i've suddenly got this thing for usher again. damn him.

i cant really write with people sitting so close to me so i shall write another day or if i can manage to preserve enough energy to switch the pc on when i get home. which is probably a no-no. cant wait to get away from the humdrum life i have right now. i need to go OUT!!!! hint hint. someone take me out. puhlease. i'm suffering in this hellhole.



intellectual this is not. hahaha.

itz da weekend

itz the freakin' weekend.... boring. going to k.l on the 13th and 14th, itz already been confirmed. my lepak peeps are going to bintan, though, unfortunately...shall miss the whole group. but nvm, will be going wif akbar and gang. yay.


suddenly me inez and amy are struck with n-sync mania. dont ask me how. we juz started singing in the loo and the gym and so many n-sync songs came out.

can this be true
tell me can this be real
how can i put into words how i feel
my life was complete
i thought i was whole
why do i feel like i'm losing control
never thought that love could feel like this
and you changed my world with just one kiss
how could it be that right here with me
there's an angel..itz a miracle

anyway yesterday because i felt shitty and unloved i decided to lepak wif my kakis at tamp..the whole grp- me, arif, suhuf, rajiv, khai, jannah, saz except for mul...he met up wif soli..i intended to lepak wif dem but wen mul called as usual my hp was off. so yupz, came back ard 11.30.

i very the tired lah. but i hafta do my lit essays and stuf. damn. plus history. plus this plus that plus me feeling utterly horrible. okie dokie. now i've gotta go starrrrrrdeeeee.

you cant force someone to love you. n you cant stop me from loving him. i should know. i've tried time and again but all it has done was make me realise how much i really love him. but of course there are limitations to what i'd do. trust me i wont kill myself or wateva. have faith in me. I've stopped questioning the right or wrong of what's happening. I've stopped thinking about the danger that i might be hurt again. There's a time for thinking and another for feeling, a time to be practical and a time to love. Practicality just isnt working anymore. it has become want, need.


eeeeeeee. so romantic. haha. the pigeon without itz head is still haunting my every waking moment. like eustacia and wildeve are, invading every thought with the warning that i'm supposed to scrutinise their relationship. yawn.

third of march

oh wow... never been these tired since school started. it's almost ten; waiting for american idol to start but these few minutes seem to drag on and on. anyway, my homework's done so if i choose to sleep now it wouldnt be much of a problem sicne i've mailed mrs tan the essay outline. gawd.... thankful for having amy around to massage me. i am sore all over. need a masseuse. hurt my back. amy said itz very tense. muscle relaxants needed... but whoa. nononononono. not gonna touch that stuff.

nothing much happening these days, so pretty bored the trip to k.l is not confirmed yet so i'm gonna be relatively free for the hols for now i guess. need a break from the boring routine of getting up at 6 and reaching home at 8. and i dont have much of a social life now although i'm not exactly complaining coz all it does is add a strain to my pocket plus drain my of what little energy i have left. speaking of which i have almost nil now...... tttiiiiiiirrrreeeeedddddddd.... stupid mrt halted for ard 1/2 an hr today i was stuck innit wif akbar. cant they choose another time to stall?

tomorrow's a short day thankfully. not sure who i'm gonna spend the rest of it with. yawn. boring blogger you. i think i will eternally be in love.

twenty-seventh

watched white noise two days ago... so sad. bebeh screamed. THE ONLY ONE. and fucking loud too, at that. i was watching with half an eye (is that possible?) towards the end, the rest of my head stuck in between bebeh's shoulder and the seat. It wasnt scary lah to tell you the truth. But even before the movie started i had already scared bebeh to such a degree that i freaked myself out too.

went to gpa, with bebeh ( but i left her there. oops. guilty) but ended with arif and fadhil. weird. like i told him, itz funny how i can be friends with him one minute, not tok to him for the rest of the year and then we were like buddies again yesterday. n i finally admitted to him tt i used to have a tiny crush on him eons ago. he said itz ok, a number of girls have a thing for him too. it was then tt i realised y exactly he pissed me off a lot when we were schoolmates. his ego. HUUUGGEEEE. like him. anyway he is attached. fadhil and fadilah. how cute. ayu and????????????? hahahah.

i would have killed him yesterday if my heels broke. he made me climb up this slope when we were heading back, me and arif to tamp to lepak with the usual guys-rajiv, suhuf, and saz also.. n he to town to work. haha. if he didnt hold my hand i would have made it up that slope anyway but sometimes i juz cant resist doing the damsel in distress act. which was his own doing anyway.

i'm gradually starting to relax a bit more... many people can attest that i get too emotionally involved with things. but that's juz me.... i like to get up close and....personal. hahahahah. nut. cant help it tt i care about him right.

i have no idea where things are heading for me. for most things. i guess i'll just hafta wait and see. like i used to say...if it happens, it happens.

what is wrong with the fucking music industry in singapore?????? damn. dollar signs are the priority now i suppose. if only people can, juz for some time, look beyond materialistic needs and wants, then maybe love would seem that much more pure. sometimes it seems like something of convenience. if there's mutual benefit, then ok, we'll go together. or maybe i'm too much of a romantic.



love. what a funny word. i dont know what it means to me anymore.

and then.....

wowwee.... today i've been a major leaky faucet...waterworks very much in progress... i hurt all over. emotionally duh too. watched a hindustani movie today can you believe it? raja hindustani.... so nice.... found lotsa parrallels to my life... but i shall not elaborate much on that.

anyhow, i was an utter angel today..actually treated the kiddos to food... and when i was out wif my uncle and his li'l brood of chickens, oops i meant children, nafisha came and held my hand..so i was like, yes sayang? den she said kakak ayu, u mother right? i was stunned for a while den i said no darling... den she said when you want to become mother?

okay..let me try and figure this out. this 6 yr old girl thinks i'm a mom. n when i told her i'm not a mom yet she asked me when i was going to be one... i freaking hope that was a compliment... but i imagine i would be a good mom... yeah. awwwwwwwwwww.... the only thing is i would have to have a maid. but i'm kinda uneasy abt having outsiders in my household.

i love kids..juz dat i dont have enough stamina to run around the whole day making sure they dont fall off couches and jump off beds. tadaa..which is why i need the maid.


i think i'm finally enlightened on y so many people call me mami...haha..of course not THAT kind. what an utter insult to such a noble character. not me. i meant a mother. everyone goes duh....

but babymaking is off the list till i'm 25 ok. AT LEAST.

i love you baby..and if its quite all right i need you baby to warm my lonely nights... afiq i am utterly in love with you..u cute little bugger u..next time i'm over at nenek's i shall kidnap you so i can make you kiss me a million times. being kissed by toddlers is sooooo nice. if i'm not careful i shall squeeze the air out of the cute little muffin. gawd...why have i become so googoogaga over kids? weird.
did i tell you he's an utter sucker for spiderman? he knows the lines and he's only two..itz always complete with reenactment... and everytime he sees peter kiss mj he kisses his mama...damn cute.

audition. must. go. stupid. bitch. you. ayu.

eighteenth feb

went out again wif da yr 3 guys.. siao fellas. go n kacau dis poor makcik at the cab stand.... tsk3. nothing much today, except dat i had to bring two whips home wif me. s&m guys? ur head ah. i'm hungry actually...will eat later while watching telly... shall oblige farhan n watch tt malay thingy.

mebbe gg out wif dem again tmr. oh ya for v day got a rose frm najib n something from someone else too...ahem.... haha. nothing lah... i'm in the mood for dates now. my...i am boring today...shall update u wif more interesting stuff nxt time..ciao.

thhhhiirrrteeeeeeenth february

tomorrow's valentine's day. remembered that i went to town last year with my best fren n we acted like lesbians, to spite all those people celebrating. my point is, itz kinda stupid being mushy that day and the rest of the year people act like their other halves dont exist. some of you might ssay i'm juz jealous coz i dont have anyone to spend it with. wrong. to me everyday should be spent cherishing each other, not waiting for 14th feb to shower each other with chocs and what-nots n then forgetting to tell them that you love them for the rest of the year. dumb.

seven months tomorrow. wow. yes i'm not celebrating valentine's day. i just like the dedications on radio coz they play real nice songs i might not be able to hear other times of the year. sometimes i think, love or singing? i cant decide for now..... maybe because it hasnt become a real issue for me coz i havent really sung yet. but i have performances coming up soon, auditions to go to........


juz remembered something i read the other day :





now i see how important drama is. my singing background can help to a certain extent, the emoting aspect.

all my life i've dreamt of someone like you..and i thank god that i finally found you.


nobody is worth crying over, and those people who are, wont let you shed a tear.

went to town after all.. watching erin brockovich soon. i'm damn pissed. dunno with whom or what. but when i get pissed i do stupid stuf. like toking to people i dont give a damn about. to fill in the void in my life. then i think, what the hell am i trying to do. then i remember what i sought out to do and it gets clear again. for a while.

i'm hungry. i never eat proper meals now, juz tiny portions of food when i want to. cant finish a plate of food anymore. think i lost 2 kg. not think, i KNOW. ok.. damn bored. damn pissed. fed-up. get the picture. now i'm the one pretending. well life is after all a stage and all the men and women merely players.....

just wish it doesnt hafta be this way. but like i said, i dont have a choice. because although i'm willing to give up everything to give us a shot, he doesnt bloody care. which i already knew since the start but i keep looking at him thru rose-tinted glasses, even blindly at times. n i still care. what an absolute idiot.

it's the eleventh right?

happy birthday cik ijah.... last few days have been filled with doing ridiculous stuff that i would never, ever do under other circumstances.... damn. got freaked out pretty bad..but kinda true to some extent. at home alone now. mom went out..later shall head to town if i lose this pemalas haram feeling that i have from head to toe now. there's no food in the house, i dont even have stuff to cook... MUST EAT!!!!! mebbe i'll grab food later while i'm out. IF i'm going out. the song by fantasia barrino is kinda nice.. new one, dunno wat the title is. think it's 'truth is'.

my cousin is getting married on the 3rd of april. there hasnt been a wedding in 10 years since my aunt. she's the first kuz to get married. and get this : they want me to perform. hahahahaha. ayu the wedding singer. how does that sound? muahaha. marriage..... it seems so distant right now. especially today. bebeh knocked some sense into me last night. lemme see whether i still have the message.
bebeh: i think you should tink 1st if u realli can give up on da so called r'ship AND him... dont cheat urself cos it'l juz make it worse.


u see...the thing is i dont have a choice. truth is i havent given up but do i have a choice??????? the only thing to do is deceive myself like i've done b4, telling myself every single day that i dont love him. so forgive me frens if i decline wen u ask me out. i am really occupied with deceiving myself. i'm drilling into my brain: he doesnt love you. geddit in ur stubborn head.

fuck. went swimming for two straight days n u shd see how dark i've become. yucks. whitening lotion will take over as the most important thing in my life. ok..ciao.

seventh feb

tomorrow-the chinese new year performance
feelings: aghast that i still dont have my voice at full-horsepower yet.hah.still sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose
to solve that, i've been drinking honey with warm water (which i hate)..besides being an aphrodisiac, it also soothes the harassed throat. it gets rid of phlegm and the like. ewww.

unless a major miracle occurs tomorrow when i wake up, i shall hafta settle for sounding like a cross between mariah carey and the nanny. of course, it is rather slanting towards the latter. am listening to recordings to the countless competitions i've been to to get into the mood.

shall have an early night's and as usual, panic tomorrow morning when i wake up, trying to find my make-up, iron my clothes. hafta be there by 6.30??? no way in hell, the diva in me says. the diva also insists on being perfect so she is doing the make-up herself and arriving impeccable in a limousine. alas, due to obvious financial setbacks, i will have to settle for a cab. or if i am in a unvelievably good mood i shall even come via bus. bodyguards will of course wait in school to hold back the fans. *wishful thinking to the max here*

sigh. reminds me of 'the bodyguard' whitney houston and kevin costner. don't make me close one more dooooooooor...i dont wanna hurt anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

why the hell am i so suay so as to have to perform in the stinking gym? blardy hell. well, at least i can have better contact with the audience. positive thinking will never desert this diva hopefully... and yeah nanthini...this song is for u.. :)

but what i really wanna do is this 'intimate' kinda concert where there's not much accompaniment. juz me and the microphone and people who appreciate my kind of music. i can just picture it...... man.. i'd die to be able to do that while i still can. and i'll have my guest appearances too of course.

i fell in love with you...before the second show..... dont you remember you told me loved me baby...you said you'll coming back this way again...baby baby baby baby ooohh baby i love you...i really do.



i'm in love with one last. anyone sing it to me i'll faint. n fall in love with that person. hafta admit i have an amazing weakness for guy with good voices. like last year i used to like ( here i emphasise like..i wasnt googoogaga over him) this guy who had a nice voice. i liked my ex-bf coz he could really sing. duh..my vocal coach wat. n his eyes...sigh. nvm. he's like..30 this year. heh. they weren't cute at all...but they juz managed to touch me coz they had this gift that i so wanted to perfect in myself... dunno whether u understand, but that's how it is.

but with my love, or ex-love, however you might see it, it's different. he couldnt sing (as far as i knew), i was a total wreck when he was around, but i dont know..he juz found his way into my heart i guess.. kinda left a permanent mark there too. when i was with him it wasnt like..oooooh i love you so much muah muah muah miss you kiss kiss love you kiss some more. for me at least, it was this quiet knowledge that just seeing this person makes you happy and at one point i just knew that i was in love with him. many people would never understand how it was so but it is true. some people would think maybe coz of the body or something but it wasnt. itz juz... HIM. when he toks crap, when he knows i never mean any hurtful thing i say, when he laughs, when he's being super sweet... it makes me feel warm and loved so i'm really blessed i had that experience, and hopefully someone will bring that joy again to me although who, when and how, i dont know. i'm juz waiting to see what the future has in store for me and hopefully the really painful moments that i had to undergo during that last relationship will be overshadowed... but the memories i will keep, because it was really a fun period of my life albeit painful because of all the obstacles that we eventually succumbed to.


we cannot turn back....we can only turn into one.