twenty-seventh

watched white noise two days ago... so sad. bebeh screamed. THE ONLY ONE. and fucking loud too, at that. i was watching with half an eye (is that possible?) towards the end, the rest of my head stuck in between bebeh's shoulder and the seat. It wasnt scary lah to tell you the truth. But even before the movie started i had already scared bebeh to such a degree that i freaked myself out too.

went to gpa, with bebeh ( but i left her there. oops. guilty) but ended with arif and fadhil. weird. like i told him, itz funny how i can be friends with him one minute, not tok to him for the rest of the year and then we were like buddies again yesterday. n i finally admitted to him tt i used to have a tiny crush on him eons ago. he said itz ok, a number of girls have a thing for him too. it was then tt i realised y exactly he pissed me off a lot when we were schoolmates. his ego. HUUUGGEEEE. like him. anyway he is attached. fadhil and fadilah. how cute. ayu and????????????? hahahah.

i would have killed him yesterday if my heels broke. he made me climb up this slope when we were heading back, me and arif to tamp to lepak with the usual guys-rajiv, suhuf, and saz also.. n he to town to work. haha. if he didnt hold my hand i would have made it up that slope anyway but sometimes i juz cant resist doing the damsel in distress act. which was his own doing anyway.

i'm gradually starting to relax a bit more... many people can attest that i get too emotionally involved with things. but that's juz me.... i like to get up close and....personal. hahahahah. nut. cant help it tt i care about him right.

i have no idea where things are heading for me. for most things. i guess i'll just hafta wait and see. like i used to say...if it happens, it happens.

what is wrong with the fucking music industry in singapore?????? damn. dollar signs are the priority now i suppose. if only people can, juz for some time, look beyond materialistic needs and wants, then maybe love would seem that much more pure. sometimes it seems like something of convenience. if there's mutual benefit, then ok, we'll go together. or maybe i'm too much of a romantic.



love. what a funny word. i dont know what it means to me anymore.

and then.....

wowwee.... today i've been a major leaky faucet...waterworks very much in progress... i hurt all over. emotionally duh too. watched a hindustani movie today can you believe it? raja hindustani.... so nice.... found lotsa parrallels to my life... but i shall not elaborate much on that.

anyhow, i was an utter angel today..actually treated the kiddos to food... and when i was out wif my uncle and his li'l brood of chickens, oops i meant children, nafisha came and held my hand..so i was like, yes sayang? den she said kakak ayu, u mother right? i was stunned for a while den i said no darling... den she said when you want to become mother?

okay..let me try and figure this out. this 6 yr old girl thinks i'm a mom. n when i told her i'm not a mom yet she asked me when i was going to be one... i freaking hope that was a compliment... but i imagine i would be a good mom... yeah. awwwwwwwwwww.... the only thing is i would have to have a maid. but i'm kinda uneasy abt having outsiders in my household.

i love kids..juz dat i dont have enough stamina to run around the whole day making sure they dont fall off couches and jump off beds. tadaa..which is why i need the maid.


i think i'm finally enlightened on y so many people call me mami...haha..of course not THAT kind. what an utter insult to such a noble character. not me. i meant a mother. everyone goes duh....

but babymaking is off the list till i'm 25 ok. AT LEAST.

i love you baby..and if its quite all right i need you baby to warm my lonely nights... afiq i am utterly in love with you..u cute little bugger u..next time i'm over at nenek's i shall kidnap you so i can make you kiss me a million times. being kissed by toddlers is sooooo nice. if i'm not careful i shall squeeze the air out of the cute little muffin. gawd...why have i become so googoogaga over kids? weird.
did i tell you he's an utter sucker for spiderman? he knows the lines and he's only two..itz always complete with reenactment... and everytime he sees peter kiss mj he kisses his mama...damn cute.

audition. must. go. stupid. bitch. you. ayu.

eighteenth feb

went out again wif da yr 3 guys.. siao fellas. go n kacau dis poor makcik at the cab stand.... tsk3. nothing much today, except dat i had to bring two whips home wif me. s&m guys? ur head ah. i'm hungry actually...will eat later while watching telly... shall oblige farhan n watch tt malay thingy.

mebbe gg out wif dem again tmr. oh ya for v day got a rose frm najib n something from someone else too...ahem.... haha. nothing lah... i'm in the mood for dates now. my...i am boring today...shall update u wif more interesting stuff nxt time..ciao.

thhhhiirrrteeeeeeenth february

tomorrow's valentine's day. remembered that i went to town last year with my best fren n we acted like lesbians, to spite all those people celebrating. my point is, itz kinda stupid being mushy that day and the rest of the year people act like their other halves dont exist. some of you might ssay i'm juz jealous coz i dont have anyone to spend it with. wrong. to me everyday should be spent cherishing each other, not waiting for 14th feb to shower each other with chocs and what-nots n then forgetting to tell them that you love them for the rest of the year. dumb.

seven months tomorrow. wow. yes i'm not celebrating valentine's day. i just like the dedications on radio coz they play real nice songs i might not be able to hear other times of the year. sometimes i think, love or singing? i cant decide for now..... maybe because it hasnt become a real issue for me coz i havent really sung yet. but i have performances coming up soon, auditions to go to........


juz remembered something i read the other day :





now i see how important drama is. my singing background can help to a certain extent, the emoting aspect.

all my life i've dreamt of someone like you..and i thank god that i finally found you.


nobody is worth crying over, and those people who are, wont let you shed a tear.

went to town after all.. watching erin brockovich soon. i'm damn pissed. dunno with whom or what. but when i get pissed i do stupid stuf. like toking to people i dont give a damn about. to fill in the void in my life. then i think, what the hell am i trying to do. then i remember what i sought out to do and it gets clear again. for a while.

i'm hungry. i never eat proper meals now, juz tiny portions of food when i want to. cant finish a plate of food anymore. think i lost 2 kg. not think, i KNOW. ok.. damn bored. damn pissed. fed-up. get the picture. now i'm the one pretending. well life is after all a stage and all the men and women merely players.....

just wish it doesnt hafta be this way. but like i said, i dont have a choice. because although i'm willing to give up everything to give us a shot, he doesnt bloody care. which i already knew since the start but i keep looking at him thru rose-tinted glasses, even blindly at times. n i still care. what an absolute idiot.

it's the eleventh right?

happy birthday cik ijah.... last few days have been filled with doing ridiculous stuff that i would never, ever do under other circumstances.... damn. got freaked out pretty bad..but kinda true to some extent. at home alone now. mom went out..later shall head to town if i lose this pemalas haram feeling that i have from head to toe now. there's no food in the house, i dont even have stuff to cook... MUST EAT!!!!! mebbe i'll grab food later while i'm out. IF i'm going out. the song by fantasia barrino is kinda nice.. new one, dunno wat the title is. think it's 'truth is'.

my cousin is getting married on the 3rd of april. there hasnt been a wedding in 10 years since my aunt. she's the first kuz to get married. and get this : they want me to perform. hahahahaha. ayu the wedding singer. how does that sound? muahaha. marriage..... it seems so distant right now. especially today. bebeh knocked some sense into me last night. lemme see whether i still have the message.
bebeh: i think you should tink 1st if u realli can give up on da so called r'ship AND him... dont cheat urself cos it'l juz make it worse.


u see...the thing is i dont have a choice. truth is i havent given up but do i have a choice??????? the only thing to do is deceive myself like i've done b4, telling myself every single day that i dont love him. so forgive me frens if i decline wen u ask me out. i am really occupied with deceiving myself. i'm drilling into my brain: he doesnt love you. geddit in ur stubborn head.

fuck. went swimming for two straight days n u shd see how dark i've become. yucks. whitening lotion will take over as the most important thing in my life. ok..ciao.

seventh feb

tomorrow-the chinese new year performance
feelings: aghast that i still dont have my voice at full-horsepower yet.hah.still sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose
to solve that, i've been drinking honey with warm water (which i hate)..besides being an aphrodisiac, it also soothes the harassed throat. it gets rid of phlegm and the like. ewww.

unless a major miracle occurs tomorrow when i wake up, i shall hafta settle for sounding like a cross between mariah carey and the nanny. of course, it is rather slanting towards the latter. am listening to recordings to the countless competitions i've been to to get into the mood.

shall have an early night's and as usual, panic tomorrow morning when i wake up, trying to find my make-up, iron my clothes. hafta be there by 6.30??? no way in hell, the diva in me says. the diva also insists on being perfect so she is doing the make-up herself and arriving impeccable in a limousine. alas, due to obvious financial setbacks, i will have to settle for a cab. or if i am in a unvelievably good mood i shall even come via bus. bodyguards will of course wait in school to hold back the fans. *wishful thinking to the max here*

sigh. reminds me of 'the bodyguard' whitney houston and kevin costner. don't make me close one more dooooooooor...i dont wanna hurt anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

why the hell am i so suay so as to have to perform in the stinking gym? blardy hell. well, at least i can have better contact with the audience. positive thinking will never desert this diva hopefully... and yeah nanthini...this song is for u.. :)

but what i really wanna do is this 'intimate' kinda concert where there's not much accompaniment. juz me and the microphone and people who appreciate my kind of music. i can just picture it...... man.. i'd die to be able to do that while i still can. and i'll have my guest appearances too of course.

i fell in love with you...before the second show..... dont you remember you told me loved me baby...you said you'll coming back this way again...baby baby baby baby ooohh baby i love you...i really do.



i'm in love with one last. anyone sing it to me i'll faint. n fall in love with that person. hafta admit i have an amazing weakness for guy with good voices. like last year i used to like ( here i emphasise like..i wasnt googoogaga over him) this guy who had a nice voice. i liked my ex-bf coz he could really sing. duh..my vocal coach wat. n his eyes...sigh. nvm. he's like..30 this year. heh. they weren't cute at all...but they juz managed to touch me coz they had this gift that i so wanted to perfect in myself... dunno whether u understand, but that's how it is.

but with my love, or ex-love, however you might see it, it's different. he couldnt sing (as far as i knew), i was a total wreck when he was around, but i dont know..he juz found his way into my heart i guess.. kinda left a permanent mark there too. when i was with him it wasnt like..oooooh i love you so much muah muah muah miss you kiss kiss love you kiss some more. for me at least, it was this quiet knowledge that just seeing this person makes you happy and at one point i just knew that i was in love with him. many people would never understand how it was so but it is true. some people would think maybe coz of the body or something but it wasnt. itz juz... HIM. when he toks crap, when he knows i never mean any hurtful thing i say, when he laughs, when he's being super sweet... it makes me feel warm and loved so i'm really blessed i had that experience, and hopefully someone will bring that joy again to me although who, when and how, i dont know. i'm juz waiting to see what the future has in store for me and hopefully the really painful moments that i had to undergo during that last relationship will be overshadowed... but the memories i will keep, because it was really a fun period of my life albeit painful because of all the obstacles that we eventually succumbed to.


we cannot turn back....we can only turn into one.

fourth february i think

today i finally went to school.... n i simply hafta write now although i have no idea what about. tomorrow there's a full dress rehearsal n now that i've stopped coughing for the fifteen minutes i'm going to delude myself into believing that i can get my voice back by tuesday... i've taken my throat for granted again. this warrants for doses of honey and warm water which i actually hate.


mak dara...ahaha...new nick for me by the lepak boys. itz freakin humid here coz i'm trying not to put the aircon on coz i dont want to sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose. (ouch.)

i'm going to go sleep soon to preserve my voice for tomorrow. damn there goes the plans for the auditions. next week. still on the fence abt leaving though....... and right now, for a long time i feel single, truly single and to tell u the truth it isnt bad at all. maybe that's because i have a date soon. ahaha. tentative though.

already sleepy.. i've finished reading schindler's list but i still havent returned the book yet. lousy idiot. eh damn tired ah.. more next time. ciao. dont worry no more songs unless the situation calls for one. there's american idol tonight. might watch it if i'm still awake. ciao

dunno watz the date

have been in bed for the last couple of days. yesterday went to skool at ten coz i had to oversee the training n the rehearsal..ate only two spoonfuls of rice since two days ago. heikal thinks i lack vitamin c. i've got tonsilitis ( oh no!!!!!!!!!! cant sing!) and high fever.... which also means that i'm in a horrible mood so i apologise if i've yelled at ya.

90% sure that i'm dropping out. gg to retake my math n then do mass comm. gonna spend the year working. but its still tentative though. see how lah.

i look like i've been run over by a tank..... yucks. i wonder what the hell is his problem now.

haiyoh.. i cooked but now i dont feel like eating. feel like going to sleep for a long long long time.

performance on tues. shucks. hopefully i'm well by then. not hopefully, i MUSTTTTTTTT! fight phagocytes, fight!

sometimes i wonder if all the trouble i went thru was worth it considering how things are now between us. mcm nak tak nak je.

yawn. itz only 11.20 but i feel tired already. been awake for barely two hours.

look like we made it. look how far we've come my baby. we might've took the long way. we knew we'd get there someday. they said " i'll bet, they'll never make it." but just look at us holding on. we're still together still goin strong. u're still the one i run to. the one that i belong to. u're still the one i want for life.

first february

mrs koh called me this morning. she asked whether i had other plans.... i was thinking hell yeah..only if i had the courage and confidence to see it thru. actually i'm kinda tired from all this hypocrisy. so what if i'm smart... doesnt mean i hafta slog my whole life doing things i dont give a damn about... and the things i give a damn about, or people too, i dont have... i'm kinda muddle-headed now...starting to feel the effects of the medicine.

sometimes i wish people would just leave me alone. dont ever feel like going back to school. this saturday i'm going for the audition unless a better plan comes up. damn tired of this farcical lifestyle i have. i dont give a damn abt lit or hist like i used to anymore.

the only two things that i'm freakin sure of right now whether you like it or not is that i wanna sing and that i am still very much in love. even the details to those two i'm not very sure or proud of.

havent gone to skool this week. today i read my hist file at home, though my mind definitely wasnt registering anything. did the usual household stuff, washing the clothes, hanging them out to dry, washing the dishes, cook the rice, fry some stuff, sweep the floor..... may as well get married.

have a feeling this will be a sucky year for me. lotsa my tkg frens have dropped out of skool... n they're the smart ones. as in reaaaaaallly smart. sigggggggggggh.

got to thinking this funny thing the other day... u noe how mums sing to their babies right... well at least i wont be out of tune when my turn comes.... gawd how cheesy ayu!

love is a funny thing.