wat did u do

the song by rob something or other is playing... like it. everyone else is at school except for me coz i don't take malay.. going out later..didn't write the past few days coz had stuff on my mind dat i forgot abt the blog.. yesterday was a horrible day..except dat i finally got batang... phew.. felt good. so anyway, itz exam week..someone at skool kinda hates me.. wat did i do to her i do not know. going out wif amy later. at least he knows t i'm pissed. but tt jerk still did it anyway.. inconsiderate idiot.. i was juz beside him..bragging abt his conquests again.

hypocrites

sometimes i cant help but feel tt i realli cant trust my own supposedly good frens..in the space of a few months alone i've been stabbed in the back so many times that it starting to be part of ayu's life. wat a sad thing to have to happen to someone..cant understand y people i noe are getting so much more hypocritical nowadays..maybe me too, i dunno. it juz hurts a lot to think tt now u cant realli tell ur frens wat ur feeling coz hu knows within the next few hrs or sumtg it will be on the school walls or sumtg for all to see. i might be hypocritical but i do not stab my friends in the back...defeats the purpose of being a fren ryt? unfortunately i cant sa the same for my frens..wat is it tt they feel..jealousy? i haf no idea y they shd be tt way.. they're so much betta in many aspects compared to me..mebbe it makes them feel good, being able to belittle and hurt someone. sadists..okay, maybe not my frens per say but generally friendship doesn't have the connotations to me as it did some time ago..maybe it was always like that, maybe i've just managed to lift my rose-tinted glasses off my nose.. but then again, of course there are exceptions to the rule.. i do noe of people who are realli sincere in their frenships with me. or are they..

anyway, i'm getting realli upset lately coz i've done nothing lately to improve my singing..others have already launched their careers and here i am, still an unknown..the truth is i'm scared of failure, itz become an obsession with me.. i absolutely refuse to take jumps that might be juz wat i needed...or on the other hand, it might break me. that's wat i'm afraid of..people tell me try, you never know wat might be in store for u...i wish i had more faith in myself, like some of my faithful supporters.. i feel like i've let them down somehow but i can't make myself do anithing abt it.. wat do i do now.

yooooooohooooooo!

aloo darling.... well, had a well-deserved rest... anyway, i juz realised tt i quoted wrongly..in my first entry i wrote something superman said..well actually it was said by spiderman...oopsy doodles... but yes,back to my account on my 'holiday' i spent a few days this week getting fat..swam a lot too, but considering the amt of food i ate, no amt of swimming would ever suffice...and i am such a sucker wen it cums to calling people up..i never do..gulp. i hope i make that phone call soon..okie not much to say now toehr then there are probably no more cute guys around in singapore..was out a lot the past few days and i saw nil..nought...zero.. kosong...waddeshit..dunno wer they went.. well not i'm searching for a guy or anitg..but these kinda stuff a girl cant help but notice..hmzz..gtg and do sum stuff.

home

i have just returned home..well a few hours ago anyway..spent 10 hrs in the pool today and yesterday..not tt much darker, thankfully..the pool was a bit shaded... i am aching ALL OVER I tell u..well i've got stuff to attend to now.. will be back tomorrow..watching a movie btw tmr..yay...

again

5 min to maghrib. i still have some time left. its stuffy in my room, with the door closed. mummy will scream if i switch the air-con on. i suppose i'm getting spoilt these days. pampered brat..well not pampered, but still bratty anyway.
i seriously wonder how people can write just one paragraph and be done with it. i am one long-winded fella. it bcomes a novel, i tell u..except no one's buying..my i'm getting boring. write more tomorrow.

fourth oneee...

its about 5.35 p.m as I write this. Btw, nowadays I dun write str8 into the blog..i write it on scraps of paper b4 transferring it into the blog later..

the weather is extremely windy, and i sit at the study table near the window, eating my honey choc muesli bar. i see families running for shelter. its about to rain.

my thoughts are calm at the moment. then the curtain suddenly whips itself across the window and i am denied the oppurtunity to look out, to see whether by chance i would see someone familiar walk past. prince charming, perhaps?

the silence in my room is shattered by the sound of the wrapper being crushed by me. gotta stop writing. need to throw the wrapper before it becomes part of the furniture in my room. now it doesnt seem so dark anymore.

my trail of thoughts are interrupted by a bike. another accident involving one happened in the family again. door from one of the neighbours' slams. i feel the cool air on my skin, wishing now that the weather would be agreaable tomorrow. have plans. i now tie my hair in a ponytail, wondering why it cant grow any faster. need extensions maybe. the times when i was younger..short hair. much like a boy's. when hari raya came, i wore long-sleeved shirts and trousers. unlike other girls who wore lovely dresses with their long flowing hair. maybe that's why i'm quite feminine these days. i dunno. well that happened in my primary school days anyway.

i look at the condo across the road and i wonder, would i ever own a house like that, bigger maybe? IF I worked hard, I would, probably. if, if if and a whole lot of ifs. life sure is full of ifs. neither u nor i know what tomorrow might bring.

the air is still. the house is not quiet anymore, my brother done with his bath. i look around me and i see many things- my computer, my tape recorder which i've long since put to good use, my files and among other things, a huge purple teddy-bear I received for my birthday last year. i miss being in a girls' school. there, nobody cared whether your hair was out of place or you didn't have eyeliner on. nobody thought twice about pulling their blouses from under their pinafores, adjusting them. sitting in an unladylike manner. the tkgs cheer. screaming girls. nobody cared about moribus modestus.

in a blink of an eye i'm now 17, and yet the memories of the first day of school seems like it was just yesterday. being approached by the prefect," excuse me, but you don't need to button this." gesturing towards the first button on my blouse that was denying me of much air. i was a geeky kid, yeah.

i scratch my nose. the room needs dusting. got back most of my voice, thankfully. guess there's not much to say now. barney's loving me in the background. time for a bath.

hooray..third one coming up

suddenly dis idiot feels the need to update her blog every 1/2 an hr..hah.. well, nutg much happened in past few hrs..except mebbe tt i finally watched the o.c to find out waddeheck is all the hype abt.. seems like anoder blah show to me.. so shoot me, o.c fanatics..i AM entitled to my own opinion, am i not.. i haf juz deleted 3 yrs' worth of journal entries..i shall definitely live to regret my stupid actions.. beginning to feel pangs of regret..and hunger now. although i pretty much scoffed wateva's in the fridge..dis dodol is gg to bcuma real lazy fat-ass if she doesn't snap out of it..

anyway, recently i had the pleasure of learning a new song. unfortunately it wasnt for me but waddeheck..itz a new song all the same.. the thrill of learning the lyrics, of knowing that fewer than a smattering of ppl noe the song..oh how heavenly..i wonder if anyone shares my sentiments.. darn, my nose is running again...in ard 45 min my mum will be back, so i dun think i can write much..i need to pretend dat i'm asleep. not that i can get much written if she's ard anyway, she'll be barging in every few minutes demanding why i haven't washed the dishes, y the kitchen light is still on, y i'm not asleep yadda yadda. o btw, u lucky fellas, my mum's asking for 20 000.. i shall die a horribly wrinkled spinster. but i don't need any saving, thank you very much. i'm trying to convince myself that i shall be able to survive on my own.. tt remains to be seen.. anyhow, my eyes are kinda drooping..o btw, my bro fell of the bed laz nyt..i was on the com when THUD! ouch.

he was crying so being the ever caring and loving elder sis i shouted in a raspy voice ( i lost my voice AGAIN for the uninformed) adek! scalpel pls! den i was telling my bro..keep still i think i need to suture ur head..o dear..the blood is spilling over..get me a rag pls! haha..kk i guess i'm writing utter rubbish..i'm juz typing watz on top of my head act...gd morn..more nxt tym..

?

i'm sitting here alone up in my room..and thinking bout the times that we've been thru..

today, the 17th of june. can't say that i dont love him, cant say dat i do. dere's definitely something though. cant figure out wat it is.. infatuation? mebbe, hu knows. anyway, stuck at home as always. letting life pass me by. everyone else seems so occupied, so full of life. oh btw, i havent studied for the exams. procrastination is my middle name. which is detrimental.duh.

last night i overdosed on food again. seems to be my way of dealing with stuff. i noe itz not good, but i guess it better than jumping off the building or slitting my wrists, not that i've contemplated doing so, not for a long time anyway.. i'm a coward, ending up juz crying my lungs out at the end of the day.. apalah upaya diriku wanita.. dan yang tinggal kini kelukaan...

sometimes i wonder why MY friends are called frens at all. they're more like fiends, if u understand wat i mean. only there when they want sumtg from me; when there's no one else AT THE MOMENT that they wanna tok to.. or they juz wanna siphon knowledge abt that latest cute guy from me.. so.. plastic. if it weren't for guys i doubt we would be speaking much..how typical of frenships nowadays.. i tk itz losing itz meaning. so hypocritical. the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. just that some are much bigger players than the rest. mebbe i am one too.. hu am i to say.

if music be the food of love, play on.. i don't even know if i've quoted correctly.. amusing, the time when i was involved in sum lit thingy..me and sutha did a tango..she had a rose btw her lips..i tk it was in sec 3. seems like so much fun compared to the bullshit i'm doing nowadays. mebbe itz true. i shd get a life. if i were to pursue wat i wanted, oh, i'd disappoint my family. dont bother abt wat the pros say, tt i can make it big. hahahahha. wat a laff.not tt i realli believed them. no ayu, u wldn't want that, would u? tsk tsk.

dun even mention relationships to me. no 'love' life to spice it up a little. so blah. all i look forward to these days is to sleep my boredom away..oh, and smoking.

1st entry here

okay..i have decided to do away with the old entries which don't seem to make sense anymore..i know ur not supposed to do that, defeats the purpose of having a blog, but hu cares..itz mine anyway. today has been a boring day, went mengaji and all.. itz 11.38, my sisters n bro r watching robocop n i'm still on the com..as if that isn't common every-day stuff for us..don't know what to say so i shall juz say gd nyt i guess..more next time wen i figure out some more mundane stuff to tell u..o, won't b in during the weekend..hafta b sum makcik kaypoh coz my kuz getting engaged n he wants me to help out..wif wat, i dunno..help finish up the food i guess..o ya, went back to tkg wif bebeh n dayak juz now.. had fun screaming at dis poor girl.. i'm the sort who will juz gif a sweet smile even tho u bumped into me and almoz caused me to sprawl face-flat on the ground.. but today, juz once, i lost it and screamed at her " alamak! buta ke?" i muz admit it felt good after tt.. being pushed around has itz limits.. i'm still feeling like blah ..itz been 3 days..hope i'll get over it..it seems like such a trivial thing to get upset abt.. n toking abt dat reminds me of skool..i haf sum project to handle on my own..god help me..as superman says, with great power comes great responsibility..to hell wif dat at this moment.
(wrote this on the 11th..has since then shifted here..meaning i moved this entry from my prev. blog thingy.)