heeeeeeey..... not in school today...damn shagged lah. my resolution for this month is not to contact ***** anymore................. wen i think back, i realise what a horrible bastard it was i fell in love with. he was never there wen i was sick and puking my guts out. wen i was in skool almost blacking out from the stuff he refused to come and see me even though he damned well knew he was what i wanted to see, if it was the last thing i ever saw in my life. i'm amazed he came to see me in the hospital, but being the coward he is he had to drag kai along.i was his girlfriend cant he come see me by himself? i suppose he's the type of guy who would run away if he got a girl pregnant...and of course, like in my case the girl gets all the blame and labelling. not that i'm pregnant.just putting things in perspective so that you can see what a dumb fool i've become because of love. but i wont discount myself further by saying that maybe it wasnt love because undeniably it was...and little bits of it still lingers although much of it has been replaced with anger now. if he really loved me he really needs to learn how to show it properly. i'm not a sado-masochist you know. love shouldnt equal to pain all the time.
i've pretty much fought hard to stop thinking about him and i've kinda succeeded, hanging around nuts like rahimah, azhar, aisyah, akbar and the lot....horrible hooligans, all of them... but i really appreciate the roaringly maniacal sessions we have in the library.. i dont even mind the huge purple bruise rahimah gave me on my thigh. itz only wen itz late at night and your frens are not there beside you and the laughter and smiles have all faded away that i get emotional and then i message him... but i always end up angry... that's all i can do anyway, get angry, cry myself to sleep, make a resolution to not contact him but always breaking it. i wish i had the strength to stop all this bullshit. he is doing me a favour by not replying of course. I would be a truly happy person if only i could just push all this aside and carry on..but i believe i'm almost there.. actually i'm surprised that i'm relatively okay now.. i thought it would drag on, the tears and all for a few months at least but now i can manage to survive a few days without feeling remorse or wateva..maybe deep down i always knew this bastard has been hurting me all this while and what i really needed to do was to get out of this horrible mess..and now i have.
my mum juz woke up. i cant fast so i'm going to a pamper myself by baking brownies and eating the whole batch up all by myself..yuuuuuuuummmmmie.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Monday, October 25, 2004
twenty-fifth october
ooooooooooh....lookyyyy... there's a tear in her eye...oh, that poor dearie.. all that while thinking in your mind what an absolute floozie... she certainly asked for it.
now i don think of ***** all that much, in fact hardly, but it kinda gets annoying wen one kaypohchi after another comes up to me and insists on being a shrink... trying to get inside my head, eh?
one more time one stupid sodding sonofabitch or daughterofabitch does that i will yank their hairpiece out. there is only so much that i can take from you guys okay. i was perfectly fine until you told me to step into your darling office and proceeded to relive the horrors of my relationship.
you guys think i'm some bloody mothafucking slut who deserves to be burnt at the stake for what i did. yes, yes the sodding bitch who steals someone else's guy. hey, watch out, maybe itz your guy i'm out for next.
for goodness sakes... i loved him ok? and yup, maybe it was one-sided as you all kept drilling into my brain.... well, sorry for 'fantasising' lah! the school shrink thinks i fantasise about him...gawd... funny or wat?? well if you read the stuff he sent me you certainly'd think i wasnt the only one. but yes yes, i love him still, very much... but no, i'm not going to go begging him because my pride has been hurt again and again and again by this guy who claims he loves me but in actual fact doesn't. well i don't know. doesn't seem like it anyway. if he does, what u gonna do, sue me?
i so wanna leave the bloody skool and get a job..meet some proper hassle-free guys, not fall in love with them as usual...see, that's what i was about some time ago....until i fell recently...HARD. girl, you got lotsa stuff to learn still... except, cant fate be a little easier on me? now that i'm perfectly sure i am absolutely capable of loving someone, and smooching them, i guess itz not so bad after all huh....
i juz wish you wouldn't think so badly of me...or him for that matter. as much as i feel he could have dealt with matters in a better way, i dont blame it. we were all none the wiser when it came to this situation. now that itz over and done with, i hope i can move on soon with life...i wont forget him, certainly, but he'll be juz a part of the hazy past, part of my mistakes and one that i certainly will learn from...so yup...... tears do dry up one day.
love doesnt have to hurt. i've let him go and i hope he's happy whatever he's doing right now. although admittedly things arent fine and dandy betweeen us, i still do love him...always will i guess, although perhaps not in the way i did then..... and i thank him for those wonderful moments we had the past three months...
AYU N ***** ------ 14th july - 15th october.
now i don think of ***** all that much, in fact hardly, but it kinda gets annoying wen one kaypohchi after another comes up to me and insists on being a shrink... trying to get inside my head, eh?
one more time one stupid sodding sonofabitch or daughterofabitch does that i will yank their hairpiece out. there is only so much that i can take from you guys okay. i was perfectly fine until you told me to step into your darling office and proceeded to relive the horrors of my relationship.
you guys think i'm some bloody mothafucking slut who deserves to be burnt at the stake for what i did. yes, yes the sodding bitch who steals someone else's guy. hey, watch out, maybe itz your guy i'm out for next.
for goodness sakes... i loved him ok? and yup, maybe it was one-sided as you all kept drilling into my brain.... well, sorry for 'fantasising' lah! the school shrink thinks i fantasise about him...gawd... funny or wat?? well if you read the stuff he sent me you certainly'd think i wasnt the only one. but yes yes, i love him still, very much... but no, i'm not going to go begging him because my pride has been hurt again and again and again by this guy who claims he loves me but in actual fact doesn't. well i don't know. doesn't seem like it anyway. if he does, what u gonna do, sue me?
i so wanna leave the bloody skool and get a job..meet some proper hassle-free guys, not fall in love with them as usual...see, that's what i was about some time ago....until i fell recently...HARD. girl, you got lotsa stuff to learn still... except, cant fate be a little easier on me? now that i'm perfectly sure i am absolutely capable of loving someone, and smooching them, i guess itz not so bad after all huh....
i juz wish you wouldn't think so badly of me...or him for that matter. as much as i feel he could have dealt with matters in a better way, i dont blame it. we were all none the wiser when it came to this situation. now that itz over and done with, i hope i can move on soon with life...i wont forget him, certainly, but he'll be juz a part of the hazy past, part of my mistakes and one that i certainly will learn from...so yup...... tears do dry up one day.
love doesnt have to hurt. i've let him go and i hope he's happy whatever he's doing right now. although admittedly things arent fine and dandy betweeen us, i still do love him...always will i guess, although perhaps not in the way i did then..... and i thank him for those wonderful moments we had the past three months...
AYU N ***** ------ 14th july - 15th october.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
twentieth october
hey....itz over. me n ***** r n0t together anymore. get this in your heads. BROKE UP. on the fifteeenth of october. shall not dither on that...what's the point.
today has been a boring day, one exactly like the day before. and the day before. and the day before. itz the 6th day of fadting, and itz kinda good this year. don realli feel hungry...
eh... dunno wat else to write lah.. o yeah, played charades today... salwa kinda choked me today coz i got the answer right. heh. all's fair in love and war... i knew i'd get that right. been there done that got the t-shirt babes....
and mummy had made this an amazing day for me, finally... she has actually offered to pay for me to rebond my hair!!!! i didn't even ask her... my bro juz came up to me and said " kak ayu, can i have your sim card? n o ya, mummy cakap die nak rebondkan your rambut." yaaaaaaaaaaaay! but honestly, my hair has lost its curls now. used to have those nice nice curls when i was younger but they kinda grew out i guess... and also coz of the frequent straightening and colourings and what-nots.
alah..more next time.
today has been a boring day, one exactly like the day before. and the day before. and the day before. itz the 6th day of fadting, and itz kinda good this year. don realli feel hungry...
eh... dunno wat else to write lah.. o yeah, played charades today... salwa kinda choked me today coz i got the answer right. heh. all's fair in love and war... i knew i'd get that right. been there done that got the t-shirt babes....
and mummy had made this an amazing day for me, finally... she has actually offered to pay for me to rebond my hair!!!! i didn't even ask her... my bro juz came up to me and said " kak ayu, can i have your sim card? n o ya, mummy cakap die nak rebondkan your rambut." yaaaaaaaaaaaay! but honestly, my hair has lost its curls now. used to have those nice nice curls when i was younger but they kinda grew out i guess... and also coz of the frequent straightening and colourings and what-nots.
alah..more next time.
Friday, October 15, 2004
fifteenth october
well well well....so far so good... no hunger pangs yet.heh. the house is empty again. i'm home an awful lot these days. anyway, went out with my bebeh laz nyt. itz my anniversary and instead of celebrating with him i go out wif her..becoming a habit. but yeah, mebbe wat fahmi said itz true..itz the years that count..and i so badly want to be able to celebrate a year of being with him..then two, three, four..u get the idea.. but just look at our situation. everyday that we r still togther is already a blessing in itself.
right now at this moment i'm kinda resigned to wateva's coming from him. mebbe i am expecting too much. i don't know. but after all that we've been thru i hope we wont let go of this relationship so easily.
feel like going to sleep again although itz only two and i woke up near noon. becoming a fat ass. or so i tot. i weighed myself yesterday n i still didnt gain weight. amazing. but later i will, i always gain weight during the fasting month. my life has stalled for now. stagnant. probably breeding aedes mosquitoes and wat-nots too. eh..i wanna go find the lyrics to the 2play song... nice lah.
anyway, song for the day : unbreak my heart - toni braxton.
take back that sad word goodbye
bring back the joy to my life
dont leave me here with this pain
come and kiss these tears away
i cant forget the day you left
time is so unkind
and life is so cruel without u here beside me
unbreak my heart
say u love me again
undo this hurt you've caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
uncry these tears....
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart
my heart....
malas lah nak type lagi. damn it, i used to pride myself at not being dependent on some pathetic bastard. but now look at what has happened to me! fuck, i miss the sound of his voice. didnt noe it would come to this.
right now at this moment i'm kinda resigned to wateva's coming from him. mebbe i am expecting too much. i don't know. but after all that we've been thru i hope we wont let go of this relationship so easily.
feel like going to sleep again although itz only two and i woke up near noon. becoming a fat ass. or so i tot. i weighed myself yesterday n i still didnt gain weight. amazing. but later i will, i always gain weight during the fasting month. my life has stalled for now. stagnant. probably breeding aedes mosquitoes and wat-nots too. eh..i wanna go find the lyrics to the 2play song... nice lah.
anyway, song for the day : unbreak my heart - toni braxton.
take back that sad word goodbye
bring back the joy to my life
dont leave me here with this pain
come and kiss these tears away
i cant forget the day you left
time is so unkind
and life is so cruel without u here beside me
unbreak my heart
say u love me again
undo this hurt you've caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
uncry these tears....
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart
my heart....
malas lah nak type lagi. damn it, i used to pride myself at not being dependent on some pathetic bastard. but now look at what has happened to me! fuck, i miss the sound of his voice. didnt noe it would come to this.
Monday, October 11, 2004
eleventh october
hey.... itz moooooooonday. friday dah start puase...haiyoh... damn tired ever since i came back from the hospital. they must have drugged my food. how ironic. heh. dunno wat to write actually...itz kinda auto that i switch my pc on when i'm alone in the house. gg out in the evening later. maybe lah. depends on my mood. adek gg chalet...unfair.. tmr's malay ao, then thurs is malay a..... n my three month anniversary.. only three months? seems like a lifetime..doubt he remembers anything. but once u love someone...i dunnolah, u can be so blind and even the most cute guy u've ever seen doesnt make u drool anymore. okay who am i kidding.. u still drool lah, but not so much. :P
i reaali wanna go sleep coz i dont feel very good... am eating choc fudge juz like that.... sinful like hell, especially for my voice, but waddeheck. I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!!! hint hint. i dunno watz up wif me and my baby..... no more honeymoon period that's for sure. after promos den we'll sit down and have a looooooooong talk like we're suposed to. have been putting it off for quite some time now.. i realli do feel that i love him, though u guys think itz infatuation. i dont see the need to talk to him for hours at a stretch or meet everyday and coo o my love my darling i love u i miss u letz get married now....itz more of the quiet type of thing...u juz feel it..itz dis warm glow u get when u hear his voice or look at his photo...u juz feel blessed. n after all that's happened he's still there.. i wonder why he hasnt run a million miles away. i asked him if it was out of sympathy.
everything i do (i do it for you) - bryan adams
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
i love you. cant help it.
i reaali wanna go sleep coz i dont feel very good... am eating choc fudge juz like that.... sinful like hell, especially for my voice, but waddeheck. I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!!! hint hint. i dunno watz up wif me and my baby..... no more honeymoon period that's for sure. after promos den we'll sit down and have a looooooooong talk like we're suposed to. have been putting it off for quite some time now.. i realli do feel that i love him, though u guys think itz infatuation. i dont see the need to talk to him for hours at a stretch or meet everyday and coo o my love my darling i love u i miss u letz get married now....itz more of the quiet type of thing...u juz feel it..itz dis warm glow u get when u hear his voice or look at his photo...u juz feel blessed. n after all that's happened he's still there.. i wonder why he hasnt run a million miles away. i asked him if it was out of sympathy.
everything i do (i do it for you) - bryan adams
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
i love you. cant help it.
Friday, October 08, 2004
eighth october
welll... i guess if you were meant to know what happened during the last few days, u wld have by now. so i shant bother writing it down again. all that matters is that whateva issues i have are kinda being settled now..slowly but surely.
n yeah. guez otelli's ryt. wen it comes to matters like this, u realise who r ur true frens... n i'm kinda amazed so many of them came to c me. thank u guys.. anyway...i realli hope you will stop slamming him.. i do love him u noe.... i guess things juz got a bit messy for a while...juz leave us alone to sort out the matter ourselves.... it juz gets worst when everyone tries to 'help' but all u do is complicate matters...... but thanks anyway...i noe u mean well but itz best that the two of us deal with this thing our way... itz something that we should have done a long time ago anyway.
n yeah. guez otelli's ryt. wen it comes to matters like this, u realise who r ur true frens... n i'm kinda amazed so many of them came to c me. thank u guys.. anyway...i realli hope you will stop slamming him.. i do love him u noe.... i guess things juz got a bit messy for a while...juz leave us alone to sort out the matter ourselves.... it juz gets worst when everyone tries to 'help' but all u do is complicate matters...... but thanks anyway...i noe u mean well but itz best that the two of us deal with this thing our way... itz something that we should have done a long time ago anyway.
Friday, October 01, 2004
first october
sama sama maju kehadapan...seems like so long ago... heh. still get excited when i see the school bus going past. i think itz the same uncle. puasa sooooooooon! gulp.
anyway, nothing much ah today...dunno wat to write. oh yeah, went to toh tuck campus today.. faezah and eli made me cry...damnit. itz as if they know what's going on... n yup, i was the only one bawling in there. okay, to give myself credit, it was only me and maira over there. well after that thingy, at least sham was right beside her and he kissed her. who do i have? when i opened my eyes, all i saw was faezah and eli trying not to gape at me, and i wanted to punch the mirror coz i realised what a weak person i've become.
o ya...sham said i lost a lot of weight... reaali ah? i feel the same.. just burdened with problems...feels heavier actuali.
anyway eli squeezed the air out of me.. she hadn't seen me for a long time apparently. heh. i kinda miss being busy. the musical. and singing. sigh. tmr's farhan's bro's wedding. dunno weder gg or not. he hasnt replied yet. and sunday's mega perdana..finals. not gg. don think i'm up to it. feel so tired these days.
sigh. 3 weeks. itz as if we were a million miles away. i juz wish it wasnt so difficult. bleargh. again, i'm wishing i have the strength to say goodbye but i know it wont do any good. love is so bloody blind.
anyway, nothing much ah today...dunno wat to write. oh yeah, went to toh tuck campus today.. faezah and eli made me cry...damnit. itz as if they know what's going on... n yup, i was the only one bawling in there. okay, to give myself credit, it was only me and maira over there. well after that thingy, at least sham was right beside her and he kissed her. who do i have? when i opened my eyes, all i saw was faezah and eli trying not to gape at me, and i wanted to punch the mirror coz i realised what a weak person i've become.
o ya...sham said i lost a lot of weight... reaali ah? i feel the same.. just burdened with problems...feels heavier actuali.
anyway eli squeezed the air out of me.. she hadn't seen me for a long time apparently. heh. i kinda miss being busy. the musical. and singing. sigh. tmr's farhan's bro's wedding. dunno weder gg or not. he hasnt replied yet. and sunday's mega perdana..finals. not gg. don think i'm up to it. feel so tired these days.
sigh. 3 weeks. itz as if we were a million miles away. i juz wish it wasnt so difficult. bleargh. again, i'm wishing i have the strength to say goodbye but i know it wont do any good. love is so bloody blind.
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