smile

miracle of love..... dont underestimate it...




anyway was in town yesterday to celebrate my kuzin's bdae..went to eat at far east, then watched the holiday.. sorry baby, but jude law is cuttteeeee. sigh.


am job-hunting rather passively.....


i love love.


nothing much to say really... the wedding was great... so touching la the akad nikah.... sigh.




okie u tc peeps

a new chapter

in the next few days a new chapter will unravel for some..what part do i play in this? simply to be happy for them of course! will be picking up my clothes later n gg over 2nyt... i'm so excited for them... kinda close to them so the hype's getting to me.

the taxi driver yest asked me when itz gonna b my turn...... well...all in gd time.... much to be learnt still...never-ending, love is.


congrats to the couple.... the nxt time i blog insya'allah dah selamat pon diorang.... :)

why

why did i quit? coz i someoly couldnt stand the hours and lack of social life that came with the job.


some nice things for me from b to remember in case my hp dies on me :



u have not offended me in any way lah. jng salah sangka juga... i've been in a low mood for the past 8mths. luar je nampak ceria. inside, its a wrecked and sunk ship... (2/7)

juz for my general info, wld u kndly tell me if u hv a fear of becomign a bike pillion? (3/7)

wld u consider goin on a date wif an overaged guy like mein the near future if an oppurtunity arises? juz keluar makan, movieor gi zoo/ nite safari... (3/7)

seems u r asleep already dear. tried 2surpise uwith a col 2chat, tapi dead response from singhtel.gd nyt n gd mornin when you wake up (3/7)

thanks 4makin me realise my mistake.maybe i've fallen 2much, 2fast 4u b. its been almost a yr since i had sum1 to love. like i said, its like a beautiful dream 4me. reality chick n itz true, we have a r'ship going. alhamdulil'lah... i'll stop calling you sayang if dats wat u want.maybe i hv a tendency to channel 2much care, concern n understanding 2dat special sum2 dat i hv.its my greatest weakness.i'll put sum brakes2dat nw k. time will tell how dis r'ship goes k ayu. (20/7)

B, as much as i wld like to restrict my feelings my feelings4u, i cant do dat cos wen it comes down to the basics of love, itz asn overwhelming feeling dat i wanna share wif u. tak guna nak ayi sekat2kan cinta ni utk awk. we r different, man and woman dont think alike. i'm sori but ic ant deny the feeling of love4u. terpulang pada awak nak terima atautidak. u hv your won ways of r'ship. ayi ada prinsip. wat am i if i go against principles. i''ll be nothing.u take care sayang. i miss u. (20/7)

u dnt hv2say anything my dear. juz smile n keep my feelings close2yr heart. insya'allah cinta kita akan berjangkit pada hati awak b.i'll pray 4dat. jaga diri b. (20/7)

Mungkin berkat doa ayi berbulan2 hv paid off.alhamdulil'lah. it's a happy feeling dat i cant describe being loved by sum1. my scars r slowly healing since i hv u.... (21/7)

and that was the start of this r'ship, a happy one despite the occasional tears...........


in life, sumtimes we plan to hv dis n dat, in hope dat everything goes smoothly. if we can foresee the future, we wldnt want 2make the slightest mistakes n b on the right path of a gd life all the time. alas, who r we to not make mistakes n hurt the people we love most.we r juz humans, n itz human to make mistakes. i hope we learn a lesson frm our mkstakes n may god hinder us frm committing the same mistakes n sins over n over agn...i love you ayu. may we reach our common goal togther as husband and wife n learn the ways of love2geda,faithfully, patiently n hv a mutual understanding. afamily of our won wld be nice eh?the road will be long and uncertain 4us at times, but having sum1 by yr side makes the trip worthwhile. take care n be happy always. u hv me by ur side....

Love, ayi. (12/12)

what's there not to love abt this man... not much. of course he has flaws, as do everyone else.... this is the man i pray god sent to me for a husband. insya'allah.

give me juz a li'l bit more

a li'l bit more wat? I guess i li'l bit more of everything, except problems...but no matter how much you wish them away they still do cum creeping back into ur life, dont they... an inevitable facet of life.


anyway, am about to rush off for work in abt an hr, so i'm juz kinda filling in the boring slots of life at home by updating my blog.....


when do you reach the point of enough is enough? never. then baby u'd noe how i feel. despite those painful arguments and disagreements, those days when we both cry oursleves to sleep.... when you wake up, u realise you cant spend that day without him. i guess we both have been through enough to recognise a good thing when we see it... some days are painful, some absolute bliss.... its a normal relationship. and one we intend to keep going till our last breaths. insya'allah. first step would be our engagement... bukanlah mengharapkan sangat majlis tu terjadi but the whole point is it gives our relationship direction..we have seen changes in both of us, more focused in preparing for our lives together.



how do you measure love? by time, by quantity?



the thing is, you cant. is a 5 mth relationship like ours any betta or worse than one of 5 yrs? i dont think so.... neither do i have the need to find out. everyone works differently. there are blessings in each obstacle....


all that matters is we stay true to ourselves. and our partners. having been though alot of bullshit when i was younger, even the things that i see around me now, i intend to keep tt promise of mine. not because i have to, but because i want to. itz not worth the heartache. trust me baby.



itz raining here... should get my butt off the chair n get ready for work. nvm, itz wif kakak so tiz fine...


md asya'ari. what will i do without you.

yo

had my first 6am-3pm shift today...wasnt so bad...hafta admit it gave me more time to do stuff i wan to do (sleep, sleep,sleep), but the absolute mothereffingly up at 4 in the morn..... doubt i'll ever get used to it.

anyhow, tmr's shift starts at 3 so i'll get to sleep in or maybe have lunch at 1st....


i cant put up the pix yet because i've got to set up my scanner again, which obviously i havent done since i barely get to use the pc... this update only happened coz i've already slept for abt 4 hrs earlier..my innate clock has gone haywire.

time check:11.40pm.


waiting for b to get back from zul's houz, maybe msg a li'l before gg to sleep. if i can tt is. was planning this end-month's expenses...a bit fed-up with the cpf contribution. i noe itz for old age and yada yada but still, you feel the pinchhhhhhhhhhhh.


have not met any of my frens for over a week since i started work. even finding difficulty to mit up with ayi sumtyms. by the time i get hm sum days, he's already asleep... but i guess in a relationship, you HAVE to make time. looking forward to seeing you again love.



i dont have nail polish remover. damn. the polish is starting to be yucky....... but still ok so i hope tmr b4 i report for work i have the brains to go n buy one.

have been thinking abt stuff lately, how my life has changed so much in the last couple of mths, actually even last week... feels like itz more purposeful instead of floundering abt without direction...i like that.

thank you ayi for what you're doing for us. i appreciate it. i'm doing what i can too.


seems like there's so much to say but i dont even noe where to begin or how to end.


whatever it is, i pray i have the strength to face what comes my way..


i love you baby. u've done so much for me. but what we have, this love we share, itz not gratitude or terpaksa. we do belong together. after all that's happened, i dont doubt tt anymore. i pray our plans for june goes smoothly. i'm with you always, even during those time when i really want to STRANGLE N THROTTLE you. thank you n thank God for everything. amin.



to the rest of the peeps, happy holidays, happy working, simply be happy you have one more day with your loved ones........

yayyyyy

back online at long last...as in i have access from hm...

hooray...but i guess i'm paying the bills as well...oh well.... at least i can update as n wen i feel like it...shall update my pix soon..wait for it...

:)

at ain's place

itz a rainy day and am at ain's palce, updating my blog....

i think i need to steal a photo from my bebeh coz i dont think i have any pix of my n b here....

and here it is. amek kau....... taken at bebeh's place during the open house.... today i shall go shopping.. itz for a good coz tho, dont start shaking your head saying " WOMEN!!!! " at me ok... i need to get clothes for work, which i start on wednesday.. shall only say tt itz a well-known store... but itz making me pay before i even get the first cheque. how sad...nevermind, itz an investment i guess....

i love you baby. :)

slumbbbbbbeeeeer partyyyy

me is at ain's place...not ain stoning but siti nur ain.... funny how these sleepovers only occur after we've sort of left school.... itz just starting, this party.... so i'll be looking forward to madness tonyt..hehe.


today's a bad day but i absolutely refuse to think abt the things tt have just happened....


so tonight i shall enjoy myself thoroughly and whatever happens later, i'll think abt it afterwards.


partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

last day

today's the last day of school for me... the lit paper today marks the last day of my being a pre-u student... feelings? none.




had a pretty bad week, but everything's ok, worked things out.... shall have to go job-hunting. argh.


time flies so fast... soon another year will be gone. wow.



usah biar ku sendirian
usah biar hatimu ditawan
usah biarku berdiri di sini
seorang menunggu tanpa teman
usah lepas genggaman tanganmu
usah biar semua berlalu
usah terlupa perasaan hati
pertama kali kita bertemu

usah lepaskan......




dont let go of all the precious things in life...hold on tight.... dont take things for granted....



baby i will always love you as long as you take care of my heart.

change me

these are the things i've found to be more important than me lately:

1) money
2) sleep
3) almost everything else


wow. thanks.


change me - ruben studdard

How would you like it if I talked about your skin
The way you wear your hair (oh, girl)
Would you like if I talked about your butt or once a month
Turned into someone that was hard to love
How would you like it if I didn't like your smoke
Didn't like your polish you be wearing on your toes
If I didn't like your neck-a-lace or what you cooked for breakfast
Would I be wrong, would I be wrong

Why you wanna change me
Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me
Now what if all I did was pick apart
Your friends cause they ain't got no ends
What if I talked about your face in the morning
Cause we know that you ain't cute in the morning
What if I criticized the way that you be eating
And when you sleeping
You be doing that heavy breathing
What if I was at or about your house creeping
Would I be wrong, would I be wrong
Why you wanna change me

Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me
We used to love breaking up
Knowing well be together again
And we used to love the arguments
Cause we making love by the end, girl
How you gonna change everything in return
Cause I don't wanna go if it ain't gonna be the same
If it ain't broke then why you wanna change
Why you wanna change me

Flip all the thangs that really make me the way that I am
Used to make you happy, baby, why you wanna change me
You used to like your big old teddy bear
You used to let me get it anywhere
Now, baby, it's crazy
Why, why, why you wanna change me

Tell me why you wanna change
Why, why, why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why baby, tell me why, girl, why
Baby, tell me why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why, baby, tell me why, girl
Baby, tell me why
Why you wanna change me
Why you wanna change me
Why, baby, tell me why
Baby, tell me why



maybe people need to learn that when you love, you love the flaws as well..... coz tt is your other half, the part that makes us human.



yesterday was not a good day. maybe you need to think about what you said. then get back to me.


sometimes i wonder if you're the same person i fell in love with. but i do know where i stand now, after yesterday.


thank you.

my love

Justin Timberlake My Love Lyrics
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my...


If I wrote you a symphony
Just to say how much you mean to me (What would you do?)
If I told you you were beautiful
Would you date me on the regular? (Tell me would you?)
Well baby I've been around the world
But I ain't seen myself another girl (like you)

This ring here represents my heart
But there is just one thing I need from you (say I do)
Because I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sittin' on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy

See all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot
My loooooooove, looooooove
My loooove
My loooove

Now if I wrote you a love note
And made you smile with every word I wrote (What would you do?)
Would that make you wanna change your scene
And wanna be the one on my team? (Tell me would you?)
See what's the point in waitin' anymore
Cause girl I never been more sure (That baby it's you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you been waiting for (Just say I do)

Because I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sittin' on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
My love (So don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot

My loooooooove, looooooove
My loooove (A'ight it's time to hit it J.T.)
My looo...(I dunno why she hesitatin' for man)...oove
Eh shorty cool as a fan
On the new once again
And he still have fans from Peru to Japan
Listen baby I don't wanna ruin your plan (Nah)
But if you got a man try to lose 'em if you can
Cause the girls real wild throw their hands up high
When they wanna come and kick it with a stand up guy (Kick it)
You don't really wanna let the chance go by
Cause you ain't been seen with a man so fly
Baby friend so fly i can go fly
Private cause I handle my B.I.
They call me candle guy (Why?)
Simply cuz I am on (Haha!) fire
I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny
I’m patient but I ain’t goin' try (Nah)
You don’t come I ain’t goin' die
Hold up what you mean you can’t go why? (Why?)
Me and your boyfriend we ain't no tie (Ah)
You say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high (Man)
Well baby it's obvious that I ain’t your guy I ain’t goin' lie
I feel your space
But forget your face I swear I will
St. Bart's Anguilla anywhere I chill
Just bring wit me a pair I will

(Come on) I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sitting on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin' crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove) My love (Looooooove)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove)
My love (Looooooove)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot
My looooooove, loooooove My loooove, My loooove




one of the nicest songs on the radio nowadays......



happy anniversary my love.

gila dong

had an extremely bad day yest...tapi alhamdulil'lah everything's back on track now.... sitting for my second a level paper in abt 1 1/2 hrs.. those who know my story wld be familiar with the fact tt i didnt study at all.......

oh well...dah bayar kan, amek jelah..



in abt 2 weeks i'll be just another unemployed person on the streets. how delightful...



not tt much to update, am sleepy now..... thank gawd for the one wk break till my next paper... waking up at 6 has been very painful...yelah, dah biase bangun bila matahari dah tegak...



okie me is bored with the way the entry is gg.... do tag me ya, i'd like to noe wat u guys have been up to...



i love you dum2.

back

wow, been abt two months since i last updated..did not have access to a pc unfortunately... i have net access but my pc's down. blardy hell..


first of all i'd like to wish all muslims out there a selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin seiklas2nya dari saya.........


as for updates on my life, nothing much, not attending sch anymore, nor studying altho the a's is abt a week away. a stubborn bitch yes i am.


as for me n ayi, alhamdulil'lah everything's gd.. had the oppurtunity to spend malam raye as well as raya kedua with him at my place....

kalau takde aral melintang insya'allah bulan 6 nanti la.


overall i am doing ok, taking things one day at a time...


i miss my frens n lepaking but these things hafta end some day anyway.......


aite tc all.... away with haze!!!!!

bila kau tiada

itz hard to breathe when we're apart
u're like sunshine in my heart
i keep you here inside
u've been everything to me
u've been and always will be
the apple of my eye


how do i even begin? how do i even describe what's happening to us now? i cant.


i guess from an outsider's point of view it does look rather superficial and juz being happy for the moment... but we both know the truth behind everything.



if you love me
look into my eyes and say u do
i've been waiting all my life
for someone just like you
and baby after all we've been thru
b i'm still in love with you
and i want u to know
i do....i do....

i dont deny there are fights sometimes.... of course there are. tears have flowed, angry words have been spoken... but at the end of the day, we are still together and hopefully we'll make it thru. it will not be easy, we both know that. we are after all humans. but we'll do our best and work hard for our future together. i thank god for having another chance, for not letting go of u...... everything happens for a reason...

n i thank you for being the man you are. itz not easy being with me i noe. but u noe my heart, i trust u with it. love doesnt have to hurt all the time.

it feels like springtime in summer
it feels like christmas in june
it feels like heaven
has opened up its gates for me n u.......

i love you chipmunk. when will i c u again....when does my heart beat again?


and yes, b.... i will. the answer is yes.

aha!

am free today and for the rest of the day, up till 12 at least...then i think we're gonna get to see ronin, afterwhich i head over to toh tuck for lit till abt 530 or so.....

then head down to kallang to meet b.... he wants to go look at handphones..in fact what i'm doing is checking them out now... wonder wat happened to him wanting a 3310... nuts. well actually itz not such a bad idea since his hp drops abt a million times wen he goes into the trails and falls over fallen trunks and what-nots... saw the bruise near the groin area. ugly b. hurts like hell, i can tell.


other than that, not much happened lately, met him twice yest, in the morning and at night... were discussing our plans.... itz tough being like this. patience is the key i guess...but for how long??


still cant put up pics yet... the pc at sch doesnt allow it.


i hope to god that wen we go thru the prelim paper later on it will have sum resemblance to what i wrote on the answer script, otherwise i'm food for the fishes.


seems to be gorging alot of bubble tea now thanks to ayi..... that darling bf of mine sanggup dtg from work juz to go buy bubble tea at my place.. tt's such a sorry excuse..i noe u miss me.lol.


anyway, yupz the trip to escape was boring... me and b took a grand total of 3 rides.... the viking was first...my mum was laughing hysterically at his stupid antics, calling her ibunda n all, the only one screaming on the viking, while i was bopping up and down... second was the minature roller coaster... my boy is so huge tt i had to force his thigh out of the carriage haha..then we took the spiderman kinda ride.... n him being the belo guy tt he is, he was screaming away... nuts.


then while the rest of my family went home, me and ayi bought food at changi village, then had sum bubble tea.. i swear pearls will start appearing on his forehead soon. or i will pull his nose off his face if he begins his takopachi rap again.. ya allah, kenapelah matair aku mcm ni?????????


discussing the engagement......... maybe next year insya'allah kalau takde halangan. just a small majlis je... tak patot membazir.




because you're here for me my heart still beats.......

it will colour your soul like a rainbow....and the colour of love is in u

gue lagi

hey...have a couple of free periods so i tot of putting up an entry...

spent the day with bebeh yest, merepek as always.... thing abt best frens are time never seems to lapse... you simply go on like you've nv been separated, though actually i havent seen her for abt a month, i think ever since i got attached to b..


so yupz, watched gubra with her... ate kfc, then sum more chicken wen auntie came hm...after tt we had ice-cream n had fun spilling it onto her bed.. btw have u changed the sheets yet u biatch?

am actually smsing her as i write this. bebeh says she misses our lepak days... of course babe..with me......... DUH!!!!!!!!


i know i shd have put the pix up but i am a lazy moron so dont blame me....


today shall be meeting b again... i am so looking forward to saturday dear...then we'll get a taste of us as a family... i tot it was nice of mummy to invite u to come along..lepas satu beban kan b, we have parental approval with regards to our relationship. alhamdulilah. hope everything turns out fine on saturday... r u sure u wanna take the bus??? lol. i tot it was ridiculous how my mum kept blushing when u wanted to tok to her on the phone...she absolutely refused to take my hp, behaving rather like a 'blardy teenager' receiving a call from her crush..hehe. oh well.... jganlah ampu bakal mak mertua awak tu byk sgt.... tak sayang matair ke? hehe... actually i do appreciate the efforts u are making to gel with my family... the kids already like u.. :)


pelan2 la b eh kite discuss everything...i hope u'll be patient with me n my perangai sometimes.... insya'allah kalau everything goes well... jadilah. but for now we just spend time really getting to noe each other jela....


as for the rest of my life, itz been tolerable..nothing exciting or watsoeva....


hmmmmm....... prelims next month...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... confidence ayu, confidence! heh.


alrite running out of steam now... more next time.


anyway,

smile

hello peeps.... the time has come again for you to be bored with my entries....

anyway, spent quite a lot of time outside in the last week or so, it being full of holidays.... rather bored now actually..dont intend to stay for lessons since my mind is already on overload...had fun during lit earlier tho...

maybe i should learn to shut up during lessons... but the thing is i find it to be most effextive if i'm actively engaged in the discussions... u can call me step pandai but hey... a levels nanti aku tak rugi.


hmmm...otherwise things have been relatively ok lately..had a big fight couple of days ago with b... but it was settled quickly... it was a good wake-up call to the both of us.. plans are still on :)



was it an unreparable loss, or a long-term gain? i will not know till the time comes.


a lot of things have changed lately, maybe for the better.... to have concrete plans for the future together is yes, abit frightening n overwhelming, but itz for the best..... pray hard n work hard i say. and enjoy urself in the process.


i cant put up the pictures yet, shall get bebeh to do it for me sumtime....


ok beb, saw ur entry.... i wanna watch gubra dari dulu tapi entah ape jadi... can u lend it to me so i can watch it wif b? we keep on watching stupid movies...hehe... n we'll fall asleep halfway thru..


b... since when i did become ur masseuse??? i hired u to be my masseur.... ni dah kurang ajar ni!!!!!!! hehe... lup u la baby... see you later.



frankly, it hasnt been an easy 5 wks for us.... we both had nasty secrets..but itz all in the open now, we forgive, we accept and open a new book. our future together.



b...i think later this week perhaps friday u can cum over, mummy was bz last week. sori. i like the puzzle u made hehe... simple, but thoughtful n sweet... thanks.... n DONT U DARE PUT THE HELMET ON ME THE WRONG WAY AROUND!!!!!!!!!!! not funny b..not funny..


n pls...wear your.... ermmm....hehe.




i know i'll make it thru the miracle of you.

:)

i am seriously a very bad blogger these days, havent been updating much recently.... but life has been rather kind to me these days, sorta....


on the 10th it wld be my one month anniversary so actually itz still the honeymoon period now la, been seeing b practically everyday, not sure whether it'd be the same today lol.. i love u b.



had some serious discussions lately, itz nice to actually think abt OUR future together instead of focusing on oneself and one's needs and wants.. he was telling me abt housing and stuff...am rather relieved tt shd we have jodoh, it wouldnt be a problem...


so, as of today, things are quite fine between us. god willing, we do want to make it really official and hopefully last a lifetime...but we dont want to hope too much..there's where both of us made mistakes previously... just doa and mintak resu mak bapak aje...

we've met each other's mums... so far so good i guess... insya'allah ok la.

itz nice to finally know where we're headed instead of drifting aimlessly, not knowing where we stand, not being sure of anything.....


thank gawd for the holidays this week... yay.


i miss u beb!!!!!!! where have u disappeared to, goheadgostan?????????








because u're here for me my heart still beats.

luper

i forgot to say the most important thing for today......


HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY B!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU....


yup...in spite of the rather shaky beginning we're now quite steady, very happy now, though there are still some unresolved issues involving other people.... we both have dark histories, like u said, we learn from them and apply to our rship now.... we'll make it b insya'allah.

will always remember what happened that night.. was the most romantic and touching incident tt's happened...we'll both remember that night for the rest of our lives i guess.... i'm thankful i've got u in my life b.... finally there's someone i can rely on, someone to wipe my tears, someone to make me laugh....simply someone to love.


ur voice doesnt suck, i like it. will always remember when you sang this song for me, tears streaming down both our faces.... this is your song for me right :)

colour of love - boyz 2 men
I was lonelyI needed someone to see me through
I was at the end of my rope
I needed some one to cut me loose (someone)
Then an angel out of the blue
Gave me the sense that I
Might make it through
And somehow I survived
With no rhyme or reason
And now I know I'll make it
Through the miracle of you

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image of you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and.........

Like a bridge
Over troubled, troubled waters
You stood beside me (stood beside me)
And your love will not falter (your love did not falter)
And then the angel, the angel in you
Gave the strength to know (gave me the strength)
That I will get through
And that's how I survived
Aint no other reason
And now I know I'll make it
Through the miracle of you

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and.......

O....
So girl I wanna thank you
I can't thank you enough
For showing me the meaning
The meaning of true love
When I was lost and so in need
You opened you heart (opened up your heart)
I needed you to comfort me
You opened you arms (opened up your arms)
I couldn't face another day
You said don't be afraid
You showed my heart
Showed me the way........

I know the color of love
And it lives inside of you
I know the color of truth
It's in the image of you
If it comes from the heart
Then you know that it's true
It will color your soul
Like a rainbow (Like a rainbow)
And the color of love is in you
Colors and colors and......



I love you ayi.

update

have not been able to update the blog due to many reasons, but mainly because of laziness....watz new anyway right..


the past 5 days have been beautiful........ i've let my heart be healed and love has been restored, perhaps stronger than before now. i've done thigns i never wanted to do, but now i see it from a different perspective.




wateva it is... b i love you.

let's both pray and work hard at our relationship....

tulis lagi

have a couple of free periods before p.e so here i am writing my usual rubbish... yesterday had a really good talk with b... tears flowed but at the end of it all i think we both gained something, a lot of things now tt we hafta really think about... clearly the road has never been smooth but effective communication does help alot, especiallty when it comes to touchy issues and painful things... arghhhh... they're stealing the comp must go now

teringat

i told b i would write something abotu last weekend so i will do it now.....



laz weekend i was with b at bedok reservoir.... were both juz spending quality time with each other when something happened, shall not say what but it shocked me to tears.... rather deja vu-ish really.... so yes, i started crying then b was like

b, pls dont cry...i cant c u like this... i dont want to see you cry. kite tak terbayar airmata awak... (i actually had the cheek to retort kite tk suruh awak bayar pon! while crying)

then he hugged me from behind..... after tt he kneeled in front of me n asked for my forgiveness. b kate kalau kite tk nk maafkan pon takpe asalkan i stop crying...i started crying even more actually.... then he hugged me again and after awhile i realised he was crying too.... he told me his feelings and i was incredibly touched... so yup, i stopped crossing my arms, touched his face and the rest is history.


i realised i had feelings for him then.

:)

hey.... this is a rare oppurtunity to update my blog... dont have much to say realli, except tt i was at ecp with b again last night. yest was a damn bad day for both of us, we both got hurt saying mean things to each other....

and i couldnt receive his usual calls in the morning when he wakes up coz my batt is flat.... still is right now so when i get back i suppose there'll be a flood of messages from him. i am quite contrite right now, i did say some stupid things, i usually do in a fit of anger...but b u hurt me too.


wateva it is i hope all is forgiven, takde lautan yang tak bergolora kan b.... this should juz be a painful but good reminder for us to keep our rship strong.....



i miss u b...... i'm sorry u had to rush back from work to meet me then have the night end with hurt and anger.... i'm thankful tt u were honest abt ur feelings, i'm grateful tt u are what u are..... i dont need to find a better looking or richer guy, he mght not be able to make me as happy as u can. today i shall aim to be a better person for u n me.



ok...should stop all this mushiness..... cant help it la. yesterday was a bad bad day.. sigh. we need to really be in tune with each other's feelings i guess.



have school till 430, itz only abt 12+ now and i'm dying. i miss my b, despite all the fights and tears.... insya'allah kite ade jodoh eh b. :)

wah dah lawa seeeeeehhhhhhh

haha... have not been able to get anything up on my blog for some time...quite a big lapse i think.... well nothing much happening la, juz spent my days with my b.... though itz difficult with the totally effed up schedules tt we both have. cant wait to start working, independence shall be mine then.....

where have i been with baby lately.... hmmmm... there was one funny weekend where we went to these places in abt 30 hrs... yup, stinko us tak mandi semalaman.... haha. we went mount faber (twice), ecp, bugis, town, mustaffa centre (twice), gateway building to rectify some problems hehe, i think i missed out some more... all said and done, it was gerek..

and abt 2 nights ago went to night safari with him...b, i do not appreciate u laughing at me. bats r NOT anything remotely funny. so wat if they've got superb senses and wont go banging into me???


anyway, cant meet up much anymore coz of him doing a lot of ot and me being more-or-less grounded. i quite deserve it la actually. havent been home till after midnight for many many days.... thank gawd b has a bike or we'll die from taxi-fare syndrome.


anyway i miss my bebeh...beb, we should meet up soon....


other than that i am a happy woman. itz amazing the things that happen when u least expect them....

so.....

shall i give the full story..... well i dont think so la. shd like it to be our little secret.


well anyway really am feeling good lately. seems like all that waiting really paid off.


i saw the school counsellor juz now when i went to pick up his call during gp.... brought back memories... but itz over n done and i'm looking forward to better days.


so anyway had a good time yesterday, havent felt like that for a long time..... :)


you cant read this but i miss you..... waiting for your kol....ok i'm quite mushy now. cant help it la. but gain this doesnt feel like the heady cloud-nine feeling but a more firm, rooted feeling. not love yet definitely but the more i look at his face the more rase sayang timbul kat hati.


i'll try.




itz a bit tough to be starting from scratch all over again but i find myself relishing every moment, perhaps at the end of this we'll emerge better people. i'll do wat i can to make this work babe i promise. we'll both do our parts... right now i noe there's a rough patch but like u said, ultimately kite yg menentukan whether this works or not. kite mintak maaf kalau kadang2 kite perangai sikit...... sorila wak, awak tau kan kite tk pernah ade niat nk burukkan keadaan. i'll c u as soon as i can.


i tau sayang, u keep saying yang sudah tu sudah..... :) yang pentingnye we've got each other to spend our days with right now.. nantilah u, sabar n i'll introduce u to mummy ok... insya'allah tt will happen.

98 degrees n mariah

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found the unvernished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heart it would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby
I'm so thankfulI found you

I would give you everything
There's nothing in this world
I wouldn't do
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
Because without you beside me
I can't survive
I don't wanna try
If you're keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be all right
Cause I need you in my life

[Chorus]
See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess it shows
that we were destined to shine
After the rain to appreciate
And care for what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way

[Chorus]
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankfulI found you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankful I found you



darling i'm so thankful i found you.... i find myself tearing as i write this.... thanks baby.

wey....

hey..... i noe i noe stop nagging... i havent updated for a while...

well folks i am blissfully happy now. if you were meant to noe u wld have been told...

so ya... happpppppppppppppyyyyyyyy.

beb i'll tell you the funny details soon. love u too.


alhamdulilah for the way things are now. :)

itz been a long time

itz been a long time time...without a dope beat to step to, step to....

if at frist u dont succeed, brush the dust of and try again, try again


but sometimes towards the end i wonder if whatever it is i am doing is worth it. oh well.


anyways, been to bebeh's blog and i see my name a few times there so i shall plagiarise your things again k.. muacks love you beb.. we r so lesbo lol. ladies an d gentlemen tt was a joke we r effing straight pppl ok.


i like this :
The truth is we hide so we can be found,
we walk away to see who will follow,
we cry to see who will wipe away our tears
& we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them

She wanted something else.
Something different.
Something more.
Passion & romance, perhaps.
Or maybe quiet conversations in a candle lit room,
or maybe,
it was something as simple as not always being second in his heart

i can identify with that. tak siapa di antara kita di dunia memilih jalan hidup yang derita.


Sometimes... me think, what is friend & then me say, friend is someone to share the last cookie with.

or....someone to share the last takopachi with...right bebeh???? :P


and you want me to do the 7 things shit so i shall do it now for u.

* 7 RANDOM FACTS ABT MEEE *
- i am effing loyal if i love someone. tt's kinda disadvantageous sometimes
- i love people
-singing is my life
-i love kids
- i dont want to be a housewife
- i i luuuurve hanging out with close frens
- i am conservative though i dont look it.

7 THINGS THAT SCARE MEEE *

- losing my life in a painful and agonising death.
- losing my loved ones.
- not being happy. i'm not happy now.
- not being able to trust.
- buat dosa2 besar. astaghfirullah al'azim. insya'allah tak
-losing my voice
- animals. most of them.


7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT
well songs stuck in my head for now are:

- unfaithful - rihanna
- buttons- pussycat dolls
- without u - mariah carey. i love her.
-best fren - hu izzit ah
-be without you - mary j blige
- world cup song. not the ml version. haha.
- open arms - mariah carey. give me her voice!


7 things i like most

- laughing
-singing
-reading
-hanging out
-hanging out
-hanging out
-being in love

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST

- fuck la
- blardy hell
- otak kau
-yek eleh
-gawd
-*****
-yay

nak amek kau beb.....


ok i go plagiarise summore. but stuff abt me and me beb la.

copy from ana's post :

today was a nice day =)
Met up with my darling SITI RAHAYU aka AYU or mostly known as BEBEH. hahaha i think that name is stuck on you girl, even Ari doesnt know who I'm talking about when i mentioned your name until i told him it's BEBEH. khakhaSo anyway, I have a mini-phobia with slippers since i keep having slippers suddenly putus-ing alot nowadays (funny incident..i acterli went around asking for a translation of PUTUS in english....sunggoh tarching). hardiharhar so dengan selambenye i wore my three quarters khaki pants with a formal striped black shirt with my trailer sneakers kekekeke....went for my driving lesson which was not so bad today n decided to meet BEBEH!so went to Sengkang and ate kat Banquet...talk talk punyer talk, mulot gatal nak makan ice cream. pusing satu compasspoint tak tau maner leh dapat ice cream. tarching lorrh... so we were like going in and out shops like nobody business and laughing our asses off by stupid comments. hahaha people were looking at us but do we care? NOOOOOOO simply cos we are MAD, KERAZEE, HIGH FROM EACH OTHER and simply because i dont live there so haha low possibility of people i know bumping into me (walaupon Singapore ni kecik ajer tempatnye) and bebeh doesnt always go there. so yeah, basically we are macam 'foreigners' kat saner khakhakhakha. step foreigners menyampah.so then we finally bought our ice cream from 7-eleven and ate our desserts kat luar nearby. so we were commenting on people2 around us, making stupid noises, laughing our asses off on stuff that i could never remember. but time spent with bebeh is always fun =) larps yoOoUuuyarh basically thats my day spent .. hehehe i m loving my life =)

well got not much to add oreadi la mebbe tmr or sumtg. ciao.

watz the date?

been trying for the last 2 mins to figure out the date but nvm...hmmmmm... life has been relatively tolerable, tho felt a bit sick earlier. of course that was remedied by my bebeh. for once in a long2 while she decided to come over to sengkang instead.had lots of food and ice-cream then disturbed kids at the mall... dont u love kids? i sure do. altho i dont behave like a very maternal person, i am still a woman at the end of the day hehe. i reali feel like throwing this blardy pc out the window now. pls get me a new one somebody. terencat aku nak update la. n one of the most interesting topics: love am not in love now, at least not the heady cloud nine feeling. itz stable and more mature, clearly there's no more idol-worshipping or watsoeva. i'm clearly aware of his faults,a nd i can live with them. tt's a gd start. :) happy holidays frens. for those who are not having one, one word........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YES I NOE. U BLARDY BITCH. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. LOL

back from vietnam

i had fun in vietnam..... ms nora said tt she will miss me, esp running into her room late at night. let's juz say me and rozie were freaked out to an inch of our lives.... freaky stuff happened.... nevertheless had a good trip overall, except perhaps the abstinence from the ultimate sin made me a bit kooky n bad-tempered towards the end. i'm toking abt chocs la. my pc is being blardy irritating so i'll continue sum other day... 50 or 500.. a tinge of orange. lol.

the girl calls her bf**ring****ring****ring**
boy:hellogir

l:hi baby,why didnt you ever call me back?

boy:uhhh......i was busy....im sorry

girl:its ok,but i really needed you more than ever that night(she starts to cry)
just promise me you'll call me when i ask you to,ok?

boy:ok,but whats wrong?

girl:nothing.....but do you love me?

boy:yes of course i do , why?

girl:how much do you love me?

boy:more than anyone could ever imagine....
i would even take a bullet for you,why whats wrong?

girl:would you do anything for me?

boy:baby,you know i would do anything to make you happy.is there something wrong?

girl:(starts to cry again) no but do this for me,never talk to me again.we're over.(she hangs upthephone)

boy:(he tries to call back but the phone is disconnected.......a week later he decides to go to stop by her house.

parents:(in tears)here.....she asked us togive you this note right before (they just break down crying)(the boy takes the note and while he's driving home all he can think about is why her parents were so upset) (when he gets home he reads the letter it says.....im sorry i broke up with you,but i had no choice.i onlyhave 6-7 days to live, i figure it would be easier this way.and in case you were wondering why i asked you all those questions about how much you loved me so i could hear you say them 1 last time)the next day the boy was found dead with a gun in one hand and a note in the other.the note said "i told her i would take a bullet for her"



sweet la but merepek pon ade jugak. in the first place susah nak carik lelaki macam tu. terperok kat mane entah.

one thing i hafta add is if u treat me like some 2nd class person, last minute replacement or sumtg pls dont expect me to welcome you like a king.

if the nature of the whole relationship is based on deceit, i cant force myself to act all friendly as if there's nothing wrong.

regrets

i dont have many of them. especially in certain things. maybe i do stupid things sometimes, but i am NOT psycho. itz more of being driven by this deep feeling or emotion. which is not madness.


Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.


i see that now. when you finallly take a few steps back, you realise those moments are the ones you would want to relive. consequences might be rather painful later, but i also wouldnt trade it for anything else.


u say i'm nice. but i wasnt always nice to u was i..... there were times when i'd be ranting and raving like a mad woman, even recently. itz not because i enjoy doing tt, or because i'm mad ( the word appears again) but because itz something tt i believe in, and love makes u do really weird stuff. it makes me cry afterwards, for myself as well as for you.


i'll take whatever comes. life is too short to have regrets. i guess u already know how i feel, so there's no use in saying what we both already know. oh well.


never look back. we're here now.

oi

havent been updating for abt a week or so... that's because nothing has happened lately. yes, big surprise there. i have relinquished wateva social life i used to have. feel like gg off now. sigh. am so tired. have 2 periods of lit later on. end at 515 as usual. bummer.


through with love- destiny's child

Beyonce:
I gave my heart to you
I gave up my friends like you said I should do
Put aside my smile for you
threw out my dreams if you said you didn't approve
I gave my mind, compromise my life
just to see I'd find
you were trying hold me back
slowly throwing me off of my track
disappointed again

Chorus 1:
I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm finally giving it up


I've given so much in the past for a love I never had
I’m through with it
I'm, I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it,
loveI'm finally giving it up.

Oh, there you go, comparing me
To every little model on the tv screen
Oh there you go, complaining to me,
cause I wanna spend time with my family
My esteem has gone down
You never wanna take me out
You make me feel dumb, and alone
I don't know where to go
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Kelly:
I shared all my secrets with you
Even when it hurt telling the truth
I Paralyze my growth for you
I gave you control felt so helpless without you
Couldn’t be a friend
To anyone happy
Cause with you
I see misery loves company
I don't know if this is love
Cause if it's love
I don't want it anymore
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Michelle:

Why do I feel so empty?
I’m crying out for some stability
Destroy my many insecurities
I'm breaking down somebody pray for me
Need a love like no other
not an ordinary love
Restore my joy, wisdom and courage
Lord I need your love

I found a new love,
I found new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God

Chorus 2:

I found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God
I've given so much in the past,
for a love I've always had
I've found a new...I,
I, found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God!



i hope u understand why i cant go thru with it. i just cant. it wouldnt be right, people will be hurt. already as it is, u're not happy are u? i hope u can see tt itz betta off if we're not together. i'm sorry. i like u as a friend, i'm grateful tt u've been nice to me, tt' u've waited for more than a year for me but the feeling's not there. itz not something i can force. plus my previous experiences really taught me than this isnt something i should play ard with. i need to sort things out, there's so many things i wanna do and it isnt fair if we're in a rship, i wouldnt be faithful. i know it. watz the pt of being with u if my heart is with someone else? i'm nt saying it is, but there's this void tt cant be filled easily. u've tried, i know, n i thank u for tt, but...... itz complicated. i'm really in no hurry at all to be in a rship. i belive kalau memang dah jodoh tu, we'll be together no matter wat so berserah aje la, i'm not looking for love. i dont intend to get married b4 25. tt's a long way to go. i now kite merancang, tuhan yg menentukan. but i oso believe tt kalau kite ade niat baik nak bantu keluarga ( i'm the eldest) then isya'allah things will be fine. lagipon cukupla dgn benda2 bodoh yg aku buat wen i was 16, 17. wat i choose to do now is to forget abt love n do the things tt wont hurt me in the end, tt wont have disastrous effects on my life coz i simply cant take any more. tt's the truth. u wont know i'm writing this, but i wish u'd know tt i'm not fooling ard.. i'm so so sorry. read the words in bold.


kalau memang jodoh kite, tak ke mana.

tuerr

am officially 19 now. no difference la, maybe lost abit of weight over the last couple of weeks because this freak has another obsession. haha. hopefully it'll be lifelong one.

bebeh i love you! b5 clique, i love you! mummy n daddy, i love you too!

haha. well, today i have to stay all the way till 515... but a 4 hr break in between the lessons. blardy hell, i say. as such, i hafta cancel my date. tired.

wasnt reali looking forward to it but i feel bad for always declining. bukan nak step but u cant force urself wen it comes to things like this.

anyway, thanks for the stuff u guys bought me. realli appreciate it.


anyway, yesterday i went to mit bebeh for a late lunch.. then as i was heading for the bus-stop i met my cuzin, so we headed to this stairwell to smoke. she's an underaged smoker haha. but yupz anyway, i put bebeh's present next to my bag and went yakkity-yak for about an hour plus then we left tampines. the plan was to take a bus to pasir ris intc then transfer to service no 88. so ya, happily sat in 15 until blardy hellllllllllll!

that dear present was still at the stairwell. so me being me, started spewing expletives in the bus cursing my carelessness. my heart must skipped 5 beats or sumthing. plus knowing that my heartbeat isnt regular ( KKCWH says so ) that wasnt a good thing. was close to tears. i recall telling my cuzin that "kalau present dari jantan aku tak kisah, ni present dari best fren aku siak!" Spoken like a true deep down to the roots minah.

but ya, by the time i realised it we were already sumwer in pasir ris. i alighted and took 15 back to tampines and half walked and ran back to that block. macam2 doa aku baca.



It was still there. It was really meant for me i guess, memang rezeki agaknye. close to 45 minutes and it was untouched. incredible. anyway, itz this beautiful necklace with my initial ( which is an A you moron ) on it.


anyway i called bebeh when i was at the bus-stop after i got it back and told her wat happened. i said tt itz typical of kite, bile susah, bile terdesak baru ingat Tuhan, ingat baca doa. Insya'allah will work on tt :)


anyway bebeh, see what u mean to me???? huh? huh? huh? DO YOU LOVE ME OR DO YOU LOVE ME????

ish ish ish.

eh eh eh

was at ana's blog n i read her latest entry made me laugh out loud so i put here ok....

quote quote from ana's blog.

everyone knows that girlfriends are aphrodisiacs
yesh..
i had a great day with my darlings =)
started off by me checking my hp for any msges...
there was ONE..from ayu..
at 8 plus asking if i was awake or not.
it was 10 plus in the morning..

SUDDENLY

jeng jeng jeng there was a call..

"OI. bukak pintu ahh aku kat luar"

guess who was outside the door... SITI RAHAYU ..yess and i have NOT bathe...NOT awaken (dont intend to till after 11)..so yeah she saw me at my worst.. but i didnt care, and went back to sleep. wakhakhakhakhaok ok...so i watched some tv while she played the computer. then i had my bath n we went out to have our lunch.


and from another entry....

=) had a good day today
i had a wonderful outing with my darling sis inin n besti ayu =)
went to the Youth Park to watch some HipHop performances and an interesting dance to the Helena song. i loike...then went to take a look at the LIME flea market nearby... n had our lunch at LJS nearby.after that me n ayu went around orchard looking for a prezzie for Ainn's Birthday Chalet. haha she is the bestest bestest slacking kaki to go with. cos i feel so comfortable around her and i can be myself without putting up a mask. i love that girl... although she WAS complaining alot because she was wearing heels and we had walked up n down orchard TWICE or more. hahaha fun times... finally bought Ainn a bear kat PS. me and ayu had our lunch there n talk2. i cant remember what we were talking about la. but got many2 la. then we went off to pasir ris to meet mun.


this is a day in the lives of ayu n ana btw. welcome to the bebehs.


eh minachi, birthday aku jangan buat2 luper eh. SUNDAY!!!! 7 MAYYY!

bleargh

helped out at my cuzin's engagement over the weekend.... was fun lah, anyway sum of the pics we took there i put up on frenster so u can go have a look. i look ridiculous... i should never smile in pics. only in certain occassions do i look nice. blardy hell


anyway, my birthday's on sunday. 7th may.


no biggie la. only 19.

blardy hell

am at ana's place now... went for the xray, no fractures but must go for physio.... is tt how itz spelt? waddehell. anyway ya..so scary hor...

anyways, went to ana's blog juz now and horrors of horrors, found myself in a not-very-cute kawaii pose staring( grinning actuali) back at me...


hahaha. am in lvoe with my best fren. lol. not tt kinda of love la...but well... she's everything i need in a fren.

girl can i plagiarise sumtg from ur blog...lol..

Don't talk to me, don't look at me
no we can't be friends
this little game you've got has to end
you can't flirt with me like it's nothing
because you're breaking my heart
my entire world is falling apart
go your own way and I'll go mine
I'm gonna get over you, just give me a little time.


so sad ah. used to feel tt way. still do sumtyms. but wat doesnt kill u ultimately makes u stronger.

terharuuuuuuuu

terharu betol gue..... tak dapat donate blood. haIZZZZzzz... blardy hell. i tot i'm above 45kg but i'm not. sedih betol. realli wanted to. so instead of donating right now am sitting in the com lab waiting for htp, which is a session with the trainers. boringgg beb.

watched take the lead oreadi. okla, nice sountrack. love it. but the story so-so je. still prefer dirty dancing.

nak tengok tristan n isolde la.

will hafta go to toh tuck this afternoon for a lecture on persuasion by sum nus lecturer. heard she's good. then out for makan with sum class peeps leaps tu balik membuta lagi lah jawabnye.

kena pegi xray ah. shit man.

nothing else to add, non-existent social life. except tt i find myself going to PS more often than town nowadays. not complaining la, balik pon senang.

need a fag.

unbelievable

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive,
I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have,
and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])

Now I see, what love means


song by craig david. someone is being an irritating idiot beside me mocking the lyrics to the song and saying that he wants to scratch his nose many times. frankly my friend, i do not care.

am not in love. just think that the song is beautiful.

eleventh

adek's bdae today. yest was dadi n ah boy..... had enuf of cake. have 3 free periods till lit so juz sitting ard in the library wasting time. have done most of my work thank gawd. tt's amazing yes.


will be going out next week. see, so pathetic ryt my social life. whole of this week will be a gd girl.


nothing to report realli. does nabil think i'm stupid?

sixth

having a bad day. nothing bad happened really, but itz juz one of those days where u juz wanna find a corner and hide while the rest of the world whizzes past u. itz one of the damn-u--r-so-blardy-stupid days again.

i'm guessing itz because of my lack of nicotine intake this week. i'm trying to make a conscious effort to keep it down but itz really hard.

anyway am sort of seeing someone again now but i dont have any feelings for him. nil. i feel bad coz i'm juz leading him on n all but at the same time i need somebody. but ya, like i said i dont feel anything for him. such a bitch i noe. i try not to reply n stuff wen he msges or pretend i'm sleeping wen he calls...... sigh itz so difficult having someone hu realli cares alot abt u when deep down u noe ur heart is with someone else.

but like i've said to some ppl, love doesnt realli matter to me now. there's so much for me to do and i dont think itz fair to hueva it is wen i've got so much on my mind. i'm just not ready for tt kidna commitment, i'm only 19 god noes how long more i will finally be satisfied with what i have. i've got to break the cycle. i've got to do this for myself, my future. altho i'm not sure if marriage or a long-term rship comes along with tt.


i used to be such an idealist, want to be a gd wife, get a gd husband, have kids be happy bla bla. tt doesnt seem real to me anymore wen i cant even see past the next wk. and the a levels. o gawd. now a whole different problem has cropped up academically. itz depressing to see the stupid mistakes i make. well at least itz only the common test. sigh.


i really regret what i did to nabil. but we were both too egotistical, to the extent that towards the end of our relationship, we would meet ( with the group present of course) and sit near each other, spend the whole night but not talk or look at each other. later i found out he was waiting for me to do something, and it was the same for me. the reluctance on both our parts to do something clearly showed tt the relationship wasnt strong enough. but i dont realli blame him. anyway he's young, probably with someone else right now n i wish him the best of luck. i realli treasure wat we had, he was very good to me. i miss him but itz a done deal n we're better off gg our separate ways.

anyway have a lot of free periods today. am positively exhausted.

twenty four

am having trouble sending the blardy pictures.

y y y y y y

lately have been surprised wif what sum ppl have said to me. kinda ridiculous the stuff that's gg on in their heads.

am now oficially a no-lifer. go to school, come home, sleep, wake up, do abit of work, sleep. next day, same routine.


think this cycle will continue till the end of the year. gawd hope not. yawn. have three free periods, having breakfast with koh. will probably puke it all out on her if she's not careful.

otherwise nothing much to report so signing out.

back

nothing to update reali. binan trip was tiring, was sick on the second night onwards so skipped the last day's activities and was asleep the whole day at the spa area.

not feeling 100 % fit yet, still coughing a little. as for my personal life, itz confusing. the more i try to make some sense out of it, the more blurry it becomes.

oh well. wait and see.

nine

panic panic panic........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... have been in my own world lately so feeling left out now tt fingers have been snapping me back to reality. like for example, the fact that i'm a horrible packer. a horrible last-minute packer... and itz even worse considering the fact tt i'd probably fall asleep almost as soon as i step into the houz tonight. ( note: end at 515 last 2 periods PE)

otherwise everyone is pretty hyped up. hope it wont be a disappointment. if u go with the right ppl even a trip to the loo will be fun. okay that seems so wrong. heh.


went out with pah yesterday, old fren of mine...since sec 1 ...she's still the same moronic bitch, still the same pah tt i love...things have not changed much..u noe, with sum ppl even if u dont see them for a pretty long time, once u meet everything falls in place nicely.... but others, if u see them everyday u have to really wring out words to say to them.

anyway met hanafi yesterday wen i was practically running ( without taped foot. ouch ) to the mrt station coz pah had been waiting for me.. then msged him at night..nice guy.

tmr morning will be lugging a huge bag to school... i will look ridiculous so gawd help me. sure gonna get sum stares.

anyway, will update more when i get back hopefully. ciao bebeh.

eight

hey....... wasup wif me? ans : nothing

have not done anythng spectacular or worth mentioning. juz being a gd girl being cooped up at home getting fat. think i might go shooping in the evening, need to get some essentials for the trip. i wonder watz the problem wif everyone. or izzit me?

oh wat the heck. dowan to be a people-pleaser when at the end of the day i'm not happy myself. i only have lessons for the first and last period so free now la. boring mcm ank tertdo kat sini. thinking of changing my number. maybe in june. and i need a new group of frens, think i need to start all over again. such a pity to have to do tt since the other guys r so nice, but because my ex is there i dont feel very comfortable. not my fault, i tried to tok but dunno wat he's so pissed abt. eh grow up la.

i'm taking things easy for now, no dating, juz spending time with myself and my family, catching up on sleep and actually i realised tt i'm happier now without the unnecessary realationship troubles. well not thinking of it for now la, but if it happens it happens...not on the rebound anyway, tt relationship was bound to fail, lots of reasons y and i dunno y i went ahead anyway.

hello world.

six

nothing much to update partly because i've been cooped up at home. spent the weekend cleaning up the houz, yesterday mopped rumah...jadi maid aku.

today supposed to go out wif bebeh, but stupid me, tak pernah free so i hope tmr's ok..... should be coz we're pushing up the lessons... got my foot taped. buat hal lagi la. could only manage abt 3 rounds, lepas tu da tak tahan. weak ah. nvm last yr lepas tu can be a fat slob. actually living up to tt even now. heh.

i'm actually happy now. happy being single and not being in contact wif a single guy...my life seems so simple and uncomplicated. of course it doesnt beat being in love but wen it starts to crumble.......... i dont miss tt at all.


going away on friday... hope it'll be fun. yawn.

three three

i think you dont understand. i dont think i shall force u to, someday u will understand y i did the things i did... anyway, this came up on frenster, tot i'd steal it. i've got my two cents' worth to say abt it so may as well put it here la. btw bebeh, be strong. i love you and you love me, we have each other for now.. n i think guys can go rot in hell for the moment.

A boy and a girl, the best of friends. From elementary to high school from beginning to end. Through all those years their friendship grew. They both felt the same, but neither knew. Each waking moment since the day they met. They both loved each other sunrise to sunset. He was all she had in her terrible life. He was the one who kept her from her knife. She was his angel, she made him smile. Though life threw him curves, she made it all worth while. Then one day things went terribly wrong. The next few weeks were like a very sad song. He made her jealous on purpose he tried. When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied. He played with jealousy like it was a game. Little did he know Things would never be the same. His plan was working but he had no clue. How wrong things would go, the damage he would do. One night she broke down, feeling very alone. Just her and the blade, no one else home. She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello" She told him she loved him and hung up the phone. He raced to her house just a minute too late. Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate. Beside her was a note, in it her confession. Her love for this boy, her only obsession. As he read the note, he knelt down and cried. Grabbed her knife, that night they both died. She was found in his arms, both of them dead. Under her note his handwriting said: "I loved her so, she never knew. All this time I loved her too."




guess there are lotsa differences between us... but seriously, nobody would want to take away their own life for the fun of it. i wouldnt. but i did try........ why?

it happened a long time ago, and again recently, involving different ppl( the bf obviously). after the first time, i thought to myself... NEVER AGAIN. it was hell being in hospital having those painful things stuck in ur veins and being woken up at 3 in the morning by policemen, eating charcoal..... the emotional scars are still there today. but it happened again, and this time it was much worse because i was ashamed of myself, i let myself be hurt, i gave my heart and let it be shredded to pieces again. n i loved him, at least it felt like love but now i'm not so sure anymore. but i'm sure about the first one. maybe i cant handle relationships very well...... idealistic someone used to say.

itz not that i dont care abt u...i care too much. i dont show it because i'm scared of getting hurt again but it happened anyway.

oh well. i'm not looking for love. just hope that the next one, whoeva he is wont let these things happen again... nabil i'm sorry i wasnt gd to u, thanks for everything. i know u're still mad.... i'm sorry i havent contacted u for a week but someday i hope u'll understand ayu. if i ever c u again.

black

oh well. what can i say. over.

s-i-n-g-l-e


kinda blank about it now but sometimes i find myself tearing up easily about the most trivial matters.

comes with the whole situation la, but still quite overwhelming, seems a a tornado just ran through my brain my heart my life and uncovered all these things, pain that i thought should have healed but i guess not. they're raw and bleeding again.


my bad probably. should not give my heart to anyone else for the time being. but who am i to say.

woooopsie

itz my fault.... i had him but i didnt appreciate him....n now he's almost gone. but i will do whatever i can to convince him i never intended to treat him or the relationship lightly... itz not that i dont care...i do, very much.. i juz didnt noe how to show it.



but now i do. if u'd give me another chance to prove it.

enough is enough

think that's enough songs for today.

to tell you the truth i'm a little overwhelmed by everything... they invited me to a gig today but dont think i can make it. sorry guys.

i wish i could say i'm very happy now but i'd be lying. things are a lot better now undeniably, but there are still some things bothering me. well, you cant please everyone *shrug*

my break is almost over. shall be getting money over the weekend hopefully. so on monday taklah kering sangat... dotn think i need to buy anything urgently so the money shall go towards spending time with baby while we can still meet up often.

he takes really good care of me, i'm amazed. i think coz i'm used to doing stuff on my own and not really bothering about myself, so it comes as a big surprise how concerned he is about me. the good thing about him is he knows when to be serious. but he cracks me up anyway. heh. there are still some issues that we need to work out but i dont know, i foresee this as a long-term comitment. itz still early but we're both working on our relationship. we've got major exams this year so we're taking things but i dont think that's a good reason to neglect each other.

what do i like about him.....

his smile
the way he kisses me
how he feels
how he tastes
his hugs
his humour
when he wipes my tears
balance between friends and me
selflessness
independent yet manja
honesty

and what i like is we're growing to love each other. no hurry, no rush, there's respect and communication is getting better everyday. just cut down on your smoking la dear. i'm trying too.

told ya i'm free...too free maybe

alahai...looking for songs that the guys keep singing...coz my brain is infested with those songs right now. shooo!!!!


RADJA - JUJUR

Duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
sedikit rasa yang bisa ku mengerti
bukan sumpah atau janji
buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
setulus hatimu bisa menerima
sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
bukan sekedar bersama

jujurlah padaku bila kau tak lagi cinta
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku
lupakanlah aku

jujurlah padaku
bila kau tak lagi suka
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku lupakanlah aku
selamanya


gawd help me.


i want to hold your hand - beatles

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my loveI can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

yes darling i understand perfectly what you're saying. Now can you please stop dancing with the broom :)

i'm freeeeee

got nothing to do for the next two periods so i shall flood my blog with stupid entries.. bear with me. heh.

cake - i will survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll be alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I’m trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I’m not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you’d just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me

and so now the new song is ( courtesy of my baby ) :

Radja - takkan melupakan mu

Oh terindah, lagu yg terindah

Sengaja aku cipta untukmu yg terindah

Semoga dapat meluluhkan segala keraguan

Semoga dapat menghancurkan kerasnya batu prasangka

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu,ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Rebahlah kau di pelukku

Lepaskan resahmu

Bebaskan jiwamu

Dari prasangka-prasangka burukmu

Dari kerasnya batu curiga

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu, ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Senyuman melati

Sambutlah mentari

Raihlah cintamu

Hari ini

weird stuff happening lately. nvm, nice and slow........

seventeenth

well... yesterday wasnt a good day for me. wasnt feeling well. still not reali very good now but much better than yesterday.

last night was okay, not much happening. think i'm meeting him again today, sooner or later just show to mami la, easy... so he doesnt hafta keep sitting at the void deck. heh. poor baby.

i noe wat ur weakness is!!!!!!!!!



anyway, i miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.


u better stop pinching me ah.

haus aku

so much has happened since i last posted an entry.... to keep u up-to-date on my life...welllllll if u're meant to know what recently happened u would have known la...


ala me damn worried now. hope u get better soon baby.... make sure u eat ur medicine.. should be taking care of urself instead about worrying abt me.

but i do appreciate everything u've done for me, i realli do.. kesian you jalan all the way back from pasir ris. tt's y i cried btw.. felt so guilty.. u batok darah lagi.


baby... i'm so thankful we found each other. i know there are lotsa differences between us and some ppl might think itz odd and repulsive, but i hope we can make it thru.

thank you for loving me dear. awwwww.... maybe today shall go to ur place to see how u are.

miss you laling.

u make me a very happy woman.

n i know u like being thirsty.

seven times darling.... tsk tsk tsk.



oh n i dont know
i dont know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster
and if i could hold on
thru the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster




aku tak akan meninggalkanmu
tak akan menduakan cintamu
ku bersumpah


last night i realised without really meaning to, i've become serious. abt u. abt us. i think i might love you too. when i think back, sometimes i feel like i really deserve someone like you, after all the crap tt's happened over the past few years. but sometimes i cant believe u're mine. but u are..... and i'm yours.

i'll always be your valentine, sweetheart.

blank

juz finished the cny celebrations so ya, bored and sleepy now. feel like gg out but dunno hu to ask. well actually there's someone i wanna go out with but after wat happened yesterday, dont feel like it anymore. not really anyone's fault la.

nothing much to write. yesterday cik mail meninggal so i didnt go to sch. right now i'm feeling detached from the world, from sch n everything....


hope we figure out something soon. things dont feel too good right now, doubt they'll get better. oh well.

waste of time

three words. i hate u.



that pretty much sums op my feelings for today, ladies and gentlemen. show's over. hope you had fun.

hyuk hyuk

well well well..... seems like i've gotten a new post today... anyways, not much today, escaped from doing a presentation...... but we end at 515.. argh.

am blanking out. maybe too much intellectual stimulation till i cant think of mundane stuff.. does that make sense? heh. helmy is late. betta get his butt down here soon.... i dont have much work today except for an sbq so thank gawd. working tmr. sigh.


how come when i really wanna write something only these kinda stuff appears?


realli hope my pc and braodband will be done soon.. but knowing my mom.... fat hope.

and then there were 2...or izzit 3????

hehehehe....decided to have a more laid-back atttitude this year..tt means no more being uptight n no more bothering abt whether ppl r gonna be pissed abt ayu buat ni, ayu buat tu..... cant please them all... i've only found that out at the grand age of 19. well soon la... thinking of doing sumtg this yr but my stingy mom wont sponsor it. sigh. see how la. anyway, she's paid the 700 bucks. phew. at least i dont hafta worry bout tt anymore. makes me age about oh... 5 years juz remembering it.

so now me must get job and work hard. for meself, if not anyone else. because me know deep down me is spoilt brat. o yes. and that spoilt brat is threatening to reemerge.

and me no longer have to hide me cigarettes and lighter because me mom knows. as in for sure. she cant put me in a girls' home unfortunately. itz legal. heh. but i shall be a 'respectful' girl and not do it where those eagle eyes are roaming. mouths...tsk tsk tsk.

macam mana masyarakat melayu nak maju kalau benda yang remeh-temeh dibesarkan, tapi benda yang berat yang berlaku depan mata kepala dorang dibiarkan?

i noe itz not nice for a girl to smoke. well change your mindset. just because i have a cigarette in my hand and i dont cover myself from head to toe, it doesnt mean i'm any worse than any of you. pokok pangkal diri sendiri, ada batasan lah to whatever i do.

so you mind yor limits too. coz i'm not the timid girl i was before. and i'm not stupid.


but yupz life is fine..glad that most issues have already been cleared up, i find it easier to wake up and face what's to come. so far in the past few weeks of sch, i've been absent once and late once. that's all. and the absence was really a genuine out-of-my-control thing whereas the latecoming was on the first day.. so far so good. let's hope nothing crops up and things stay as they are.


and certain people....well....sungguh mengecewakan. totally disappointing.