twenty-ninth october

heeeeeeey..... not in school today...damn shagged lah. my resolution for this month is not to contact ***** anymore................. wen i think back, i realise what a horrible bastard it was i fell in love with. he was never there wen i was sick and puking my guts out. wen i was in skool almost blacking out from the stuff he refused to come and see me even though he damned well knew he was what i wanted to see, if it was the last thing i ever saw in my life. i'm amazed he came to see me in the hospital, but being the coward he is he had to drag kai along.i was his girlfriend cant he come see me by himself? i suppose he's the type of guy who would run away if he got a girl pregnant...and of course, like in my case the girl gets all the blame and labelling. not that i'm pregnant.just putting things in perspective so that you can see what a dumb fool i've become because of love. but i wont discount myself further by saying that maybe it wasnt love because undeniably it was...and little bits of it still lingers although much of it has been replaced with anger now. if he really loved me he really needs to learn how to show it properly. i'm not a sado-masochist you know. love shouldnt equal to pain all the time.

i've pretty much fought hard to stop thinking about him and i've kinda succeeded, hanging around nuts like rahimah, azhar, aisyah, akbar and the lot....horrible hooligans, all of them... but i really appreciate the roaringly maniacal sessions we have in the library.. i dont even mind the huge purple bruise rahimah gave me on my thigh. itz only wen itz late at night and your frens are not there beside you and the laughter and smiles have all faded away that i get emotional and then i message him... but i always end up angry... that's all i can do anyway, get angry, cry myself to sleep, make a resolution to not contact him but always breaking it. i wish i had the strength to stop all this bullshit. he is doing me a favour by not replying of course. I would be a truly happy person if only i could just push all this aside and carry on..but i believe i'm almost there.. actually i'm surprised that i'm relatively okay now.. i thought it would drag on, the tears and all for a few months at least but now i can manage to survive a few days without feeling remorse or wateva..maybe deep down i always knew this bastard has been hurting me all this while and what i really needed to do was to get out of this horrible mess..and now i have.

my mum juz woke up. i cant fast so i'm going to a pamper myself by baking brownies and eating the whole batch up all by myself..yuuuuuuuummmmmie.