fifth september

i suppose everything happens for a reason huh... i cant possibly say that i'm reaalli happy wif the way things are going but i guess i'll juz hafta put up wif it and hope for the best.. *fingers are crossed* anyway, yup...on a lighter note..i'm in the hundredth percentile for gp.... yayayay.... dat means no one got higher marks than i did..by chance only lah... but i've got a feeling he's my lucky charm.... i've been lucky in moz aspects...except probably relationship-wise.... sigh...

i've been very...ermmm..i dunno... fascinated i guess by these particular paragraphs i've read from this book nana brought home :

Nick was willing to let her do anything, anything to him, except to leave him. That he would not let her do. " Lauren, please let me -"

" No!" she cried hysterically. "Stay away from me!"

She tried to run, and Nick caught her by the arms. She turned on him like a demented weeping wildcat, struggling wildly, striking out at him ( my gawd, that so sounds like me... i have been such a bitch lately, venting my anger on him) "You bastard!" she screamed in hysterical, maddened pain, pounding on his chest, his shoulders. "You bastard!I begged you on my knees!"

It took all of Nick's strength to hold her until her fury was finally spent and she collapsed against him, her slim body racked with wrenching sobs. " You made me beg-" she wept brokenly in his arms."-you made me beg".

Her tears tore at his heart , and her words slashed him like knives. He held her, staring blindly ahead, remembering the beautiful,laughing girl who had walked into his life ( ya for me i didn't walk into his life..i hobbled...he sprinted into mine... ok corny.) and turned it upside down with her glowing smile ( yup...i like his smile too..)

"What happens if this slipper fits?"
"I turn you into a handsome frog"

His eyes stung with remorse and he closed them. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry"

Lauren heard the raw ache in his voice, and she felt the wall of icy numbness she'd built around herself beginning to melt. She fought to blank out the exquisite beauty of being in his arms again, of being pressed against his big, strong body. (i miss that too..a lot)

In the lonely weeks of sleepless nights and angry desolate days ( i can relate to that too), she'd come to the conclusion that Nick was incurably cynical and hard ( i called him a liar and a bastard ...sorry baby). His mother's desertion had made him that way, and nothing she herslf could do would ever change him. He would always be capable of shutting her out of his life and coldly walking away from her, because he would never really love her.



and that is what i'm afraid of. and that's why my insecurities always make me lash out at you becoz i'm so scared of losing u.. not that i even have you in the first place of course. and i do feel like a beggar. but only because.. u noe... sometimes u try as hard as possible to forget that person... at times you almost succeed.. those are the times when i can summon the courage to 'yell' at you... to work up enough anger to make myself hate you...then i break down and realise that i love you far too much and there's no turning back. i was really afraid when you told me you loved me for the very first time. i told you not to say it if u didn't mean it. i know you always had a hard time trying to get me to say 'i love you' but believe me.. i wanted to say it but i was afraid then that if you realli knew what you meant to me, you would leave. anyway.. i love you.