3rd oct - original post written 345am

I accidentally deleted the freaking long post i just wrote while cleaning up the blog. so i decided to stop the cleaning. for those who kindly read this entry, dont bother beyond this one. You'll need a barf bag, I guarantee.


So updates. Family first. ah boy is a growing, annoying boy of 14. mira has just started down the road of relationships. it's making me worried but i know she's got to make her own mistakes. adek, same old, stil with zakaria. working at a childcare centre. daddy, no change. mummy is the one that worries me most. she's having her op on the 20th 8am. Hopefully her stomach troubles will be over after that. Insya'Allah. I'm flying off at the end of the month.

After a long hiatus of 10 mths, I finally got my lazy ass back to work again in June. Hurray, hurray. It doesnt pay anywhere near what i used to get, but at least i'm occupied, i'm being useful (read: tak setakat habiskan beras kat rumah aje!) and I'm not getting into sticky situations anymore. Surely, that counts for something, ya?

Friends tell me I should go out and date again. It's not that I dont want to. But it's not really that simple. I'm not really at the stage where I just wanna have fun anymore. Sometimes when I walk around, I see couples smiling, joking, just enjoying each other's company, and I remember. I remember how Ayi and I used to be. early 06- oct 08. we went thru so much together. I also remember how badly I used to be beaten by him. I remember him saying, " tak B, kita tak tinggalkan awak. Kita sayang awak k." I remember how i stayed even though it was so painful. Eventually he was the one who left. He's now married to someone else. He used to say I saved his life. I remember.


In 09, it was armin. I remember how he cried and promised me he would stay with me. But he betrayed me. again and again. I remember.


I remember the times when it was so bad I was tempted to do something drastic. I remember the times thinking, why me? I remember asking God to take away my misery. When you cannot forget these things, how can you even think of loving again? So I didnt. I became what I told myself i would never become. Shameful. It took a big slap, something colossal to snap me out of my drunken haze. So it has been 3 months without any men at all. The past month or so I didnt even meet any guy friends. So how?


By making new memories. Keeping only friends ones who are sincere. Wounds heal, pain diminishes. It's about choices. You meet someone. The person stirs up feelings in you that you thought were dead. So do you run away? or do you give it a chance?


I worry if my past is too much to take. As for me, it doesnt take much. I'm not the high-maintenance, flowers and flashy stuff kinda girl. It's about the little things. A kiss on the forehead. A hug. A listening ear. Yeah, the little things. Somehow be proud of me.

I've met someone special. I see myself in him. You dont know, but I think ure special. And I'll tell you that everyday for the rest of my life if you'll let me.

Rain started halfway thru this entry.

Good morning.