mariah carey

my idol. hmm. still lazing ard in skool. bah humbug.

got the lyrics of these two lovely songs. i wish i could have a juz a fraction of her talent and success.


Can't Take That Away (Mariah's Theme)



Mmmmh
Whoaaa
They can say,
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's,
There's a light in me,
That shines brightly,
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
From me
No no nooo
Oh they,
They can do
Anything they want to you,
If you let them in,
But they won't ever win,
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
See I,
I have learned,
There's an inner peace I own,
Something in my soul that they can not possess
So I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade
'Cause there's,
There's light in me me,
That shines brightly, yes
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
No oh oh,
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go
Woah, woah
They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Although they do try,
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or lose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me,
That shines brightly yes
They can try but they can't take that away from
Me
From me
No no nooo
Me







and this song is soooooooo nice. sigh.




Thank God I Found You



[MC:]
Ahhhm
Mhhh
[98 Degrees & Joe:]
Oh yeah
[MC:]
I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found unvarnished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heartache would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life
[all:]
Thank God I found you
(Yeah yeah)
I was lost without you
(I was lost)
My every wish and every dream
(Mmmmh)
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
'Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you
[MC & Joe:]
Mmmh
Oh yeah
Whoaaaaaa
Oh yeah
[98 Degrees & Joe:]
I will give you everything (everything)
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do (oh no)
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
'Cause without you beside me I can't survive
Don't wanna try
(I don't wanna try)
If you keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be allright (be allright)
'Cause I need you in my life
[all:]
Ooooh
Thank God I found you
(I'm thanking you)
I was lost without you
(So lost without you)
My every wish and every dream
(Every wish, every dream)
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight (brought the sunlight)
Completed my whole life (completed)
I'm overwhelmed with graditude (overwhelmed with graditude)
('Cause baby I'm so thankful I found you)
And I'm so thankful I found you
[MC & Joe:]
Oooooh
(See)
See I was so desolate before you came to me
Looking back (looking back)
I guess it shows that we were destined
To shine over the rain to appreciate
The gift of what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel
This way
(This way)
[all:]
Thank God I found you
(Yeah yeah)
I was lost without you
(Lost without you baby)
My every wish and every dream
(And every dream)
Somehow became reality
Oooooooh
When you brought the sunlight
(Brought the light)
Completed my whole life
(My whole life)
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
See baby I'm so thankful I found you
Oooooooh
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
(So overwhelmed)
My baby I'm so thankful I found
You
You
I'm overwhelmed with graditude
My baby I'm so thankful I found
(I found you)
You

you have no idea what you mean to me. baby i'm so thankful i found you.

in the library now, i have 4 periods b4 gp..that's the only lesson i have for today. the timetable that the school churns out is getting more and more ridiculous. itz definitely advocating absenteeism on my part. but then again it has always been a great joy for me. hah. well yesterday was interesting.

daddy, ah boy n adik's bdae coming up soon, on the 10th and 11th.. i think this year itz my turn to be a spoilt brat and do a tiny celebration thingy. 18..tsk tsk. which is on the 7th of may. 7 th of may 7th of may 7th of may.. oh dear how this thing echoes my every word. :)

today i hafta head over to toh tuck to be a busybody for the cca shit. not that i want to but when u r in the exco everything becomes ur business whether u like it or not. my cousin's wedding was very fun.. i remember she was telling me the night before the sanding abt her husband and we were like....bitching abt men.. hehe. wow. finally one of my cousins is married. n the next person who asks when my turn is will end up with a swollen lip at the very least. it hasnt crossed my mind yet but when it does i'll tell u and blast it on a loudhailer. made frens with all my guy cousins' girlfriends save one. we were bitching abt her. muahaha. kay lyea, amacam?? hehe.

kak erni wants to get pregnant asap... she's only 23..i cant picture myself pregnant at that age. wouldnt even be married yet i guess. but yeah i respect that some people are not as career-minded as i am.. hehe. juggling a career and kids is not an easy thing. i guess i want both to be carried out perfectly. i don think i'm as multi-tasking as women are supposed to be.

i guess when i'm in love i do give all of myself though. which is both a weakness and a strength. blah. my eye-bags are huge today. damn. i wonder what exactly cik biah saw that day in town. oops. but i guess itz ok. bound to happen.


this is the first time i actually have something to write about when i'm the library. well there's always a first for everything. my, i am a boring writer. and i noe i dont make sense but itz my party and i'll cry if i want to...... my mood is dangerously hovering between deliriously happy and down in the dumps. we'll see.

yay

for once i think i might be making a little progress in my career...however things are not for certain yet so i'm not pinning hopes on anything. i feel so sosososososososo tired and angry right now. whoa. pms definitely rearing itz ugly head at me.

okie. got a whole gang of guys over at my place. my sis' frens. evern she believes that guys are better frens then girls. hi 5.

found someone new

yupz. i have found someone new. finally. this someone wont make me cry. this someone wont stab me in the back. this someone will be with me for the rest of my life.

i am in love with this new someone. and no one can take this person away from me. this person will never hurt me.


i am contacting no one for now. good bye world.

i like this. so sweet

now shuddup i noe i'm supposed to be pissed. this is a sign of pms. but this is a really sweet posting i found on my frenster thingy...... :)



GALS...

Find a guy who calls you beautifulinstead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without make up on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

GUYS...

Find a girl who calls you baby instead of hot or sexy
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes
and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
Wants to be with you in public,
even ifyou wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy,
who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"




and this my addition: wait for the guy who says i love you n u can see it in his eyes.
wait for the guy who you think of even when u're with other guys.
wait for the guy who cries for you.
wait for the guy your heart sings for.
wait for the guy you cant live without.
wait for the guy whose voice can make you cry.
wait for the guy who would go to the ends of the world for you.
wait for the guy you think of when u wake up.
wait for the guy who's been waiting for you all his life.

i am waiting.

over.....

mummy...itz oveeeeeeeerrrrrrr... hmmm i bid a tearful goodbye to the examinations... ya right.

hmmm.. i absolutely refuse to go to the wedding today. i am in no mood. y should i go when my love life is in such a mess? makes me feel rotten. which i alreaady am feeling right now. n i will get even more irritated if vonzell gets voted out. i love her.

my mum wants to do girly stuff right now. she wants me to colour her hair. all i want to do is stuff that bloody thing down the toilet bowl and sleep for eternity. i feel drained. really. n i lost the ring that i was in love with. there is no way i'm ever gonna buy a ring again unless someone buys it for me. which is never.

I AM NOT GOING TO NO FUCKING WEDDING! now stay out of my way while i sulk the rest of the day away. i hate relationships. i hate YoU.

exams. darn.

yup yup.... itz the exam season right now. and frankly i'm not very confident of doing well this time considering that i forgot to bring my european history file home. damn smart. but i guess i never could bank on history ever since i entered this skool. totally lost interest innit though i did get a distinction for it for the o's. how times have changed.

hmmm... been studying history since last week so i guess sea is kinda settled.. and my lit has alsways been okay, despite the lack ( read: NONE) of effort that i put in these days. ayu, ayu....

wedding next week. got no clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but yupz, looking forward to meeting people i hardly see. and hopefully got eye-candy. muahahahaha..soooooo romantic, meeting at a wedding. aiyoh practically everything is over romanticised these days. even i'm guilty of doing tt.

my maternal instincts are resurfacing. hehe... poor afiq has been kissed to death. but he's such a darling i cant help it. n no, i'm not about to pour hot coffee or wateva on babies. siao.


i'm toking crap so i suppose i'd betta get going before i dont make any sense. but then again itz already the case right now.

sekoool

i'm at sekool and looking at the newbies i cant help laffing..seems so long ago that i first stepped into the campus...but then again.... maybe it hasnt been that long. i'm munching on forbidden ovaltines..oh, the object of childhood desires..how we take such things for granted.

and while i'm dwelling on the subject of taking things for granted, i guess i hafta lean back and let things chill for a while. frankly i'm tired out. i look like a panda btw.
today i hafta go over for some probably unimportant meeting. yawn. itz gp after this..hooray2.

cant write in sekool. damn. and i'm staring at my first lit assignment's marks. not good not bad. let's just say itz in the double-digits. for a last minute thing i guess itz okay.

i really cant be bothered with cheemology. as long as i get my message across its fine with me. ( READ : TRY USING FOUL LANGUAGE ) hehe. okay.brain juice is seriously going kaput.. toodums for now. and can you see i seriously lack organisational skills.

almost here

i wish i didnt have to ask for it..but have a u heard the song by brian mcfadden and delta goodrum? itz entitled "almost here" i think.....

my sentiments exactly.... always ALMOST there...but never really there for me. n i resent that. itz painful to be left out of everything...i want to be there for every li'l thing, not juz the significant moments.

when i wasnt his, he made lots 0f effort to get me and when he finally did.....well... sigh.


i guess goodbye is it for now.

carwash

well not really. more like CARPARK! make sure there's lotsa hand lotion and what-not. heh. kidding lah... i've done enuf housework today to realise that no amount of lotion is gonna get me baby soft skin ever again. n yupz better mood nowadays. post pms mood. who am i kidding. my mood swings are horrichible. hate to think what will happen wen itz the menopausal stage. poor hubby.

damn. i'm embarrassed. was clad in a towel then my aunt called so picked up the phone when the window was wide open. oops. poor construction worker. ahahaha.

i am in love with exist......... i likeeeeee. oh gawd itz such a stuffy day. thank gawd i'm going out. but it looks like itz gonna rain soon. damn.

i wanna go OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT. been jailed at home ever since i came back from k.l..... today, shall fag like there's no tomorrow. oh the joy of cigarettes... u devil u.


ok more another day. a long bath..... yummy. muah baby.

hmmm.....

sometimes i wonder if it's worth doing all this.. i dont know whether all the sacrifices and the pain, the tears, the waiting is known to that person... like right now i feel so blardy hurt but i doubt that person knows, just being in his own world not caring whether as a result of his ignorance he's hurting me deeply. but maybe itz that trait of his that i'm in love with. oh well.. it sucks.

i hate you for doing this to me.

aku kembali...cedebah

the trip was nice.... malas aku nak tulis banyak2. korang nak tau tanye jelah eh.. apesal aku tulis dlm bahasa melayu ni... must be the trip's fault. hehe.

i am actually a very pissed person today so this song is very apt for my mood. muakakaka. fell in love with it last night.


Masih Terserlah Ayumu

Cepat benar engkau pergi
Hujan masih belum berhenti
Banyak benar soalan ku tadi
Hatimu terusik kini... ooo
Sebagai kekasih ku
Layak aku bertanya
Sekuat mana cinta mu
Adakah insan lain di hati mu selain ku
( korus )
Sayang bukannya sehari dua
Percintaan kita ini
Yang dipersudah dipateri
Sayang jangan ikut perasaan
Marah jangan disimpan
Ku hanya ingin menduga
Dan kini aku tahu
Satu kekasihmu hanya aku
Marilah kasih aku dendangkan
Lagu yang pernah mencuri hatimu
Ooo.. marilah kasih biar kusimbah
Api kemarahan yang membakar di benak
Di benak mu...
( ulang dari korus )
Terpaksa ku berlari
Memintas mu dari pergi
Akan ku belai rambut mu yang basah
Masih terserlah ayunya wajah mu
Walau pun marah
Walau pun marah, ayu wajahmu
Masih terserlah... ooo...
Ayu wajahmu...



don't ever ask me that question again. anyway.... been sleeping lots today because i'm bored and angry.. sleeping is the only antidote to that. kenape u sanggup buat i macam gini ah? syiok eh buat orang marah.


anyway about the trip...i am guilt-ridden. oops i did it again... gulp.

going awayYYYyyYYYy

break away......

good thing to do right now. tommorow i'lkl be off to k.l.... for a few days and then itz back to the boring life in singapore. i plan on being a good girl. gawd. people are crying when i'm going for a couple of days only. cant imagine if i'm gonna be overseas for years.

okay cant write much i hafta go buy stuff and meet someone before ironing all the clothes that i'm bringing.... hope it'll be fun without shit happening.

BITCHHhhhHHHHHhHHHHHHHHH!

stupid sodding daughterofbitches....... i hate you bloody bitches. for once can you stop meddling with my affairs? if i wanna jump down or get married tomorrow what they hell u wanna do about it? stupid.

and my pet peeve is never ever ever ever touch my stuff without telling me. as a result of someone doing that, there are two broken perfume bottles, a damaged tissue box, clothes all over the house and some other stuff i dunno wat. dont ever mess with my stuff. especially my shoes and slippers. big no-no. as my mum found out.

i need to chill. i need food. i need chocolate. i need tender loving care but no way in hell i'm getting it today from the person who's supposed to give it to me. i need a break from you morons. i need a holiday. i need money. i need the bloody company to sponsor me otherwise itz their loss. fuck you. i dont need your backstabbing. fuck you all.

i need to get the hell out of this place. i need to scream. i need to go out. i need a hug. need a nice long kiss. i need to laugh. i am tired. very tired. so stop messing with me because i can be very very nasty. really.

today's a bad day as you can see. n till someone helps me get out of this utterly maddening state everyone in my house is going to suffer.

STAY OUT OF MY WAY. N I MEAN IT. PLEASE GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY SIGHT. EVERY SINGLE ATOM OF YOU.

my BoOoOOOooOOOOOoo

[Usher intro:]
There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby
ooh you'll always be my boo
[Alicia intro:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock[Usher verse:]
Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby



assuming (and wishfully thinking) that i'd go pro one day, i'd love to be with someone way before i'd get a taste of fame. it'll be so cool like..years down the road itz like..baby, see we're still together.... yupz.... i very much want that to happen. but dunnolah time will tell. but hopefully i'll still be the same ayu that you know. i dont want anything to change US.

i dont think i'd want to be with someone in the same industry as i am though. i know i'd just get fed-up of it all and leave one fine day.

i know you love me
love me for who i am
coz years before i became who i am
baby you were my man

blogging in skool

fuck. i hate the school computers. my typing goes haywire. also the thought of someone sneaking up behind me and reading my not-so-desirable thoughts are kinda worrying. but yupz...boredom got the better of me. spent lit today at the back of e lib, sleeping away while the class did i know not what. oh dear. someone is in a bad mood today. damn. no loving for me today then. i sometimes hate smses, you can easily misinterpret what soemone is saying and a small issue can be blown out of proportion. i feel like eating something hot and spicy but i have no idea what. someone asked me out yesterday but i wasnt in the mood at all. when that happens, i usually end up banging the pots and pans in the kitchen or cleaning up the house. cooked nasi lemak yesterday btw. yummmy. feel like baking brownies today. but by the time i get home any illusions of being in the kitchen is usually wiped out from my brain.


a woman takes a song into her heart

i've just realised how damn irritating i can be when i'm listening to music. itz switched on freaking loud and i'm bopping ( if itz poppish) along to it...and i dont care what the rest of the world does. itz like being in love, to hell with the rest of them........ and today i've suddenly got this thing for usher again. damn him.

i cant really write with people sitting so close to me so i shall write another day or if i can manage to preserve enough energy to switch the pc on when i get home. which is probably a no-no. cant wait to get away from the humdrum life i have right now. i need to go OUT!!!! hint hint. someone take me out. puhlease. i'm suffering in this hellhole.



intellectual this is not. hahaha.

itz da weekend

itz the freakin' weekend.... boring. going to k.l on the 13th and 14th, itz already been confirmed. my lepak peeps are going to bintan, though, unfortunately...shall miss the whole group. but nvm, will be going wif akbar and gang. yay.


suddenly me inez and amy are struck with n-sync mania. dont ask me how. we juz started singing in the loo and the gym and so many n-sync songs came out.

can this be true
tell me can this be real
how can i put into words how i feel
my life was complete
i thought i was whole
why do i feel like i'm losing control
never thought that love could feel like this
and you changed my world with just one kiss
how could it be that right here with me
there's an angel..itz a miracle

anyway yesterday because i felt shitty and unloved i decided to lepak wif my kakis at tamp..the whole grp- me, arif, suhuf, rajiv, khai, jannah, saz except for mul...he met up wif soli..i intended to lepak wif dem but wen mul called as usual my hp was off. so yupz, came back ard 11.30.

i very the tired lah. but i hafta do my lit essays and stuf. damn. plus history. plus this plus that plus me feeling utterly horrible. okie dokie. now i've gotta go starrrrrrdeeeee.

you cant force someone to love you. n you cant stop me from loving him. i should know. i've tried time and again but all it has done was make me realise how much i really love him. but of course there are limitations to what i'd do. trust me i wont kill myself or wateva. have faith in me. I've stopped questioning the right or wrong of what's happening. I've stopped thinking about the danger that i might be hurt again. There's a time for thinking and another for feeling, a time to be practical and a time to love. Practicality just isnt working anymore. it has become want, need.


eeeeeeee. so romantic. haha. the pigeon without itz head is still haunting my every waking moment. like eustacia and wildeve are, invading every thought with the warning that i'm supposed to scrutinise their relationship. yawn.

third of march

oh wow... never been these tired since school started. it's almost ten; waiting for american idol to start but these few minutes seem to drag on and on. anyway, my homework's done so if i choose to sleep now it wouldnt be much of a problem sicne i've mailed mrs tan the essay outline. gawd.... thankful for having amy around to massage me. i am sore all over. need a masseuse. hurt my back. amy said itz very tense. muscle relaxants needed... but whoa. nononononono. not gonna touch that stuff.

nothing much happening these days, so pretty bored the trip to k.l is not confirmed yet so i'm gonna be relatively free for the hols for now i guess. need a break from the boring routine of getting up at 6 and reaching home at 8. and i dont have much of a social life now although i'm not exactly complaining coz all it does is add a strain to my pocket plus drain my of what little energy i have left. speaking of which i have almost nil now...... tttiiiiiiirrrreeeeedddddddd.... stupid mrt halted for ard 1/2 an hr today i was stuck innit wif akbar. cant they choose another time to stall?

tomorrow's a short day thankfully. not sure who i'm gonna spend the rest of it with. yawn. boring blogger you. i think i will eternally be in love.

twenty-seventh

watched white noise two days ago... so sad. bebeh screamed. THE ONLY ONE. and fucking loud too, at that. i was watching with half an eye (is that possible?) towards the end, the rest of my head stuck in between bebeh's shoulder and the seat. It wasnt scary lah to tell you the truth. But even before the movie started i had already scared bebeh to such a degree that i freaked myself out too.

went to gpa, with bebeh ( but i left her there. oops. guilty) but ended with arif and fadhil. weird. like i told him, itz funny how i can be friends with him one minute, not tok to him for the rest of the year and then we were like buddies again yesterday. n i finally admitted to him tt i used to have a tiny crush on him eons ago. he said itz ok, a number of girls have a thing for him too. it was then tt i realised y exactly he pissed me off a lot when we were schoolmates. his ego. HUUUGGEEEE. like him. anyway he is attached. fadhil and fadilah. how cute. ayu and????????????? hahahah.

i would have killed him yesterday if my heels broke. he made me climb up this slope when we were heading back, me and arif to tamp to lepak with the usual guys-rajiv, suhuf, and saz also.. n he to town to work. haha. if he didnt hold my hand i would have made it up that slope anyway but sometimes i juz cant resist doing the damsel in distress act. which was his own doing anyway.

i'm gradually starting to relax a bit more... many people can attest that i get too emotionally involved with things. but that's juz me.... i like to get up close and....personal. hahahahah. nut. cant help it tt i care about him right.

i have no idea where things are heading for me. for most things. i guess i'll just hafta wait and see. like i used to say...if it happens, it happens.

what is wrong with the fucking music industry in singapore?????? damn. dollar signs are the priority now i suppose. if only people can, juz for some time, look beyond materialistic needs and wants, then maybe love would seem that much more pure. sometimes it seems like something of convenience. if there's mutual benefit, then ok, we'll go together. or maybe i'm too much of a romantic.



love. what a funny word. i dont know what it means to me anymore.

and then.....

wowwee.... today i've been a major leaky faucet...waterworks very much in progress... i hurt all over. emotionally duh too. watched a hindustani movie today can you believe it? raja hindustani.... so nice.... found lotsa parrallels to my life... but i shall not elaborate much on that.

anyhow, i was an utter angel today..actually treated the kiddos to food... and when i was out wif my uncle and his li'l brood of chickens, oops i meant children, nafisha came and held my hand..so i was like, yes sayang? den she said kakak ayu, u mother right? i was stunned for a while den i said no darling... den she said when you want to become mother?

okay..let me try and figure this out. this 6 yr old girl thinks i'm a mom. n when i told her i'm not a mom yet she asked me when i was going to be one... i freaking hope that was a compliment... but i imagine i would be a good mom... yeah. awwwwwwwwwww.... the only thing is i would have to have a maid. but i'm kinda uneasy abt having outsiders in my household.

i love kids..juz dat i dont have enough stamina to run around the whole day making sure they dont fall off couches and jump off beds. tadaa..which is why i need the maid.


i think i'm finally enlightened on y so many people call me mami...haha..of course not THAT kind. what an utter insult to such a noble character. not me. i meant a mother. everyone goes duh....

but babymaking is off the list till i'm 25 ok. AT LEAST.

i love you baby..and if its quite all right i need you baby to warm my lonely nights... afiq i am utterly in love with you..u cute little bugger u..next time i'm over at nenek's i shall kidnap you so i can make you kiss me a million times. being kissed by toddlers is sooooo nice. if i'm not careful i shall squeeze the air out of the cute little muffin. gawd...why have i become so googoogaga over kids? weird.
did i tell you he's an utter sucker for spiderman? he knows the lines and he's only two..itz always complete with reenactment... and everytime he sees peter kiss mj he kisses his mama...damn cute.

audition. must. go. stupid. bitch. you. ayu.

eighteenth feb

went out again wif da yr 3 guys.. siao fellas. go n kacau dis poor makcik at the cab stand.... tsk3. nothing much today, except dat i had to bring two whips home wif me. s&m guys? ur head ah. i'm hungry actually...will eat later while watching telly... shall oblige farhan n watch tt malay thingy.

mebbe gg out wif dem again tmr. oh ya for v day got a rose frm najib n something from someone else too...ahem.... haha. nothing lah... i'm in the mood for dates now. my...i am boring today...shall update u wif more interesting stuff nxt time..ciao.

thhhhiirrrteeeeeeenth february

tomorrow's valentine's day. remembered that i went to town last year with my best fren n we acted like lesbians, to spite all those people celebrating. my point is, itz kinda stupid being mushy that day and the rest of the year people act like their other halves dont exist. some of you might ssay i'm juz jealous coz i dont have anyone to spend it with. wrong. to me everyday should be spent cherishing each other, not waiting for 14th feb to shower each other with chocs and what-nots n then forgetting to tell them that you love them for the rest of the year. dumb.

seven months tomorrow. wow. yes i'm not celebrating valentine's day. i just like the dedications on radio coz they play real nice songs i might not be able to hear other times of the year. sometimes i think, love or singing? i cant decide for now..... maybe because it hasnt become a real issue for me coz i havent really sung yet. but i have performances coming up soon, auditions to go to........


juz remembered something i read the other day :





now i see how important drama is. my singing background can help to a certain extent, the emoting aspect.

all my life i've dreamt of someone like you..and i thank god that i finally found you.


nobody is worth crying over, and those people who are, wont let you shed a tear.

went to town after all.. watching erin brockovich soon. i'm damn pissed. dunno with whom or what. but when i get pissed i do stupid stuf. like toking to people i dont give a damn about. to fill in the void in my life. then i think, what the hell am i trying to do. then i remember what i sought out to do and it gets clear again. for a while.

i'm hungry. i never eat proper meals now, juz tiny portions of food when i want to. cant finish a plate of food anymore. think i lost 2 kg. not think, i KNOW. ok.. damn bored. damn pissed. fed-up. get the picture. now i'm the one pretending. well life is after all a stage and all the men and women merely players.....

just wish it doesnt hafta be this way. but like i said, i dont have a choice. because although i'm willing to give up everything to give us a shot, he doesnt bloody care. which i already knew since the start but i keep looking at him thru rose-tinted glasses, even blindly at times. n i still care. what an absolute idiot.

it's the eleventh right?

happy birthday cik ijah.... last few days have been filled with doing ridiculous stuff that i would never, ever do under other circumstances.... damn. got freaked out pretty bad..but kinda true to some extent. at home alone now. mom went out..later shall head to town if i lose this pemalas haram feeling that i have from head to toe now. there's no food in the house, i dont even have stuff to cook... MUST EAT!!!!! mebbe i'll grab food later while i'm out. IF i'm going out. the song by fantasia barrino is kinda nice.. new one, dunno wat the title is. think it's 'truth is'.

my cousin is getting married on the 3rd of april. there hasnt been a wedding in 10 years since my aunt. she's the first kuz to get married. and get this : they want me to perform. hahahahaha. ayu the wedding singer. how does that sound? muahaha. marriage..... it seems so distant right now. especially today. bebeh knocked some sense into me last night. lemme see whether i still have the message.
bebeh: i think you should tink 1st if u realli can give up on da so called r'ship AND him... dont cheat urself cos it'l juz make it worse.


u see...the thing is i dont have a choice. truth is i havent given up but do i have a choice??????? the only thing to do is deceive myself like i've done b4, telling myself every single day that i dont love him. so forgive me frens if i decline wen u ask me out. i am really occupied with deceiving myself. i'm drilling into my brain: he doesnt love you. geddit in ur stubborn head.

fuck. went swimming for two straight days n u shd see how dark i've become. yucks. whitening lotion will take over as the most important thing in my life. ok..ciao.

seventh feb

tomorrow-the chinese new year performance
feelings: aghast that i still dont have my voice at full-horsepower yet.hah.still sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose
to solve that, i've been drinking honey with warm water (which i hate)..besides being an aphrodisiac, it also soothes the harassed throat. it gets rid of phlegm and the like. ewww.

unless a major miracle occurs tomorrow when i wake up, i shall hafta settle for sounding like a cross between mariah carey and the nanny. of course, it is rather slanting towards the latter. am listening to recordings to the countless competitions i've been to to get into the mood.

shall have an early night's and as usual, panic tomorrow morning when i wake up, trying to find my make-up, iron my clothes. hafta be there by 6.30??? no way in hell, the diva in me says. the diva also insists on being perfect so she is doing the make-up herself and arriving impeccable in a limousine. alas, due to obvious financial setbacks, i will have to settle for a cab. or if i am in a unvelievably good mood i shall even come via bus. bodyguards will of course wait in school to hold back the fans. *wishful thinking to the max here*

sigh. reminds me of 'the bodyguard' whitney houston and kevin costner. don't make me close one more dooooooooor...i dont wanna hurt anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

why the hell am i so suay so as to have to perform in the stinking gym? blardy hell. well, at least i can have better contact with the audience. positive thinking will never desert this diva hopefully... and yeah nanthini...this song is for u.. :)

but what i really wanna do is this 'intimate' kinda concert where there's not much accompaniment. juz me and the microphone and people who appreciate my kind of music. i can just picture it...... man.. i'd die to be able to do that while i still can. and i'll have my guest appearances too of course.

i fell in love with you...before the second show..... dont you remember you told me loved me baby...you said you'll coming back this way again...baby baby baby baby ooohh baby i love you...i really do.



i'm in love with one last. anyone sing it to me i'll faint. n fall in love with that person. hafta admit i have an amazing weakness for guy with good voices. like last year i used to like ( here i emphasise like..i wasnt googoogaga over him) this guy who had a nice voice. i liked my ex-bf coz he could really sing. duh..my vocal coach wat. n his eyes...sigh. nvm. he's like..30 this year. heh. they weren't cute at all...but they juz managed to touch me coz they had this gift that i so wanted to perfect in myself... dunno whether u understand, but that's how it is.

but with my love, or ex-love, however you might see it, it's different. he couldnt sing (as far as i knew), i was a total wreck when he was around, but i dont know..he juz found his way into my heart i guess.. kinda left a permanent mark there too. when i was with him it wasnt like..oooooh i love you so much muah muah muah miss you kiss kiss love you kiss some more. for me at least, it was this quiet knowledge that just seeing this person makes you happy and at one point i just knew that i was in love with him. many people would never understand how it was so but it is true. some people would think maybe coz of the body or something but it wasnt. itz juz... HIM. when he toks crap, when he knows i never mean any hurtful thing i say, when he laughs, when he's being super sweet... it makes me feel warm and loved so i'm really blessed i had that experience, and hopefully someone will bring that joy again to me although who, when and how, i dont know. i'm juz waiting to see what the future has in store for me and hopefully the really painful moments that i had to undergo during that last relationship will be overshadowed... but the memories i will keep, because it was really a fun period of my life albeit painful because of all the obstacles that we eventually succumbed to.


we cannot turn back....we can only turn into one.

fourth february i think

today i finally went to school.... n i simply hafta write now although i have no idea what about. tomorrow there's a full dress rehearsal n now that i've stopped coughing for the fifteen minutes i'm going to delude myself into believing that i can get my voice back by tuesday... i've taken my throat for granted again. this warrants for doses of honey and warm water which i actually hate.


mak dara...ahaha...new nick for me by the lepak boys. itz freakin humid here coz i'm trying not to put the aircon on coz i dont want to sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose. (ouch.)

i'm going to go sleep soon to preserve my voice for tomorrow. damn there goes the plans for the auditions. next week. still on the fence abt leaving though....... and right now, for a long time i feel single, truly single and to tell u the truth it isnt bad at all. maybe that's because i have a date soon. ahaha. tentative though.

already sleepy.. i've finished reading schindler's list but i still havent returned the book yet. lousy idiot. eh damn tired ah.. more next time. ciao. dont worry no more songs unless the situation calls for one. there's american idol tonight. might watch it if i'm still awake. ciao

dunno watz the date

have been in bed for the last couple of days. yesterday went to skool at ten coz i had to oversee the training n the rehearsal..ate only two spoonfuls of rice since two days ago. heikal thinks i lack vitamin c. i've got tonsilitis ( oh no!!!!!!!!!! cant sing!) and high fever.... which also means that i'm in a horrible mood so i apologise if i've yelled at ya.

90% sure that i'm dropping out. gg to retake my math n then do mass comm. gonna spend the year working. but its still tentative though. see how lah.

i look like i've been run over by a tank..... yucks. i wonder what the hell is his problem now.

haiyoh.. i cooked but now i dont feel like eating. feel like going to sleep for a long long long time.

performance on tues. shucks. hopefully i'm well by then. not hopefully, i MUSTTTTTTTT! fight phagocytes, fight!

sometimes i wonder if all the trouble i went thru was worth it considering how things are now between us. mcm nak tak nak je.

yawn. itz only 11.20 but i feel tired already. been awake for barely two hours.

look like we made it. look how far we've come my baby. we might've took the long way. we knew we'd get there someday. they said " i'll bet, they'll never make it." but just look at us holding on. we're still together still goin strong. u're still the one i run to. the one that i belong to. u're still the one i want for life.

first february

mrs koh called me this morning. she asked whether i had other plans.... i was thinking hell yeah..only if i had the courage and confidence to see it thru. actually i'm kinda tired from all this hypocrisy. so what if i'm smart... doesnt mean i hafta slog my whole life doing things i dont give a damn about... and the things i give a damn about, or people too, i dont have... i'm kinda muddle-headed now...starting to feel the effects of the medicine.

sometimes i wish people would just leave me alone. dont ever feel like going back to school. this saturday i'm going for the audition unless a better plan comes up. damn tired of this farcical lifestyle i have. i dont give a damn abt lit or hist like i used to anymore.

the only two things that i'm freakin sure of right now whether you like it or not is that i wanna sing and that i am still very much in love. even the details to those two i'm not very sure or proud of.

havent gone to skool this week. today i read my hist file at home, though my mind definitely wasnt registering anything. did the usual household stuff, washing the clothes, hanging them out to dry, washing the dishes, cook the rice, fry some stuff, sweep the floor..... may as well get married.

have a feeling this will be a sucky year for me. lotsa my tkg frens have dropped out of skool... n they're the smart ones. as in reaaaaaallly smart. sigggggggggggh.

got to thinking this funny thing the other day... u noe how mums sing to their babies right... well at least i wont be out of tune when my turn comes.... gawd how cheesy ayu!

love is a funny thing.

thirty-first january

i like this song and at the same time i dont.

one last - taufik batisah

never could imagine life without you
from the moment you walked into my world
never knew how long a loving flame could burn
but losing you has forced me to learn
that we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we juz let it go
so lets have
c/o
one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance
to out first song
while pretending there's nothing wrong
lets stay here for a while and
cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know
itz better if we juz let it go

everytime i try to take a stand at all
i see yor face again and i fall
in the middle of the night there's the scent of a rose
the smell of your perfume i suppose
but we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we juz let it go
so lets have

baby if we met each other under a different sky
maybe then things would be much better between u n i
we could always hold on to this one special thing we share
but it would be too much for us to bear

we both know
itz better if we juz let it go



how cowardly. or maybe i'm the one who's stubborn. bebeh said this should be my song.


today i was on mc. have tonsilitis. going to sleep soon. lepak wif arif, mul and suhuf again at tamp. tired. talking almost mono-syllabically. cannot sing. argh. doctor scold. damn. can i punch her face?
almost sleeping at pc. nobody online. bored. tmr skool. wed got prac. get baju. fri rehearsal. sat full-dress. tired. need cheering up. damn u.

went to bebeh's houz. acted like maniacs using remote controls as microphones and singing jiwang songs. listened to taufik's cd. ate kfc. ate antibiotics. drowsy like fuck now. yawn.


well nezz......happier times will come for all of us hopefully. i will always be here for ya...... juz call my name, and i'll be there :)

yadda yadda

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings,
but I know you are here with me now,
We'll make it through,
and I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away,
But I know that this much is true,
We'll make it through,
And I hope you are the one I share my life with,
And I wish that you could be the one I die with,
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with,
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it ,
I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today,
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,
And though I can't be with you tonight,
You know my heart is by your side
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I dont understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way I can stay in your arms?

daniel bedingfield's if u're not the one. suddenly i like this song. n there was this other post in frenster that was telling guys what they shld do... part of it said that they shd sing to their gals, no matter how bad they are......shhh...this works for me...... although i'll be a little critical, itz so bloody sweet i'll cair.....haha.

still the twenty-seventh lah

was at my frenster thingy den there was this posting which caught my attention.

If a gal cries in front of you,it means that she can't take it anymore.
If you took her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life.
If you let her go, she can't go back to being herself anymore.
A gal won't cry easily,except in front of the person whom she loves the most, she becomes weak.

A gal won't cry easily,only when she loves you the most,she'll put down her ego.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of you, please hold her hands firmly.
She's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of you, please don't give her up, maybe bcoz of your decision,you'll ruin her life.


i used to think this stuff was damn corny...but nowadays stuff like this do have a ring of truth to them for me. I used to be this damn hard nut to crack... My sister nana used to say i probably had no feelings coz i never ever cried whatever the situation and i was proud of it. but ever since i've fallen in love with ***** my life has totally changed. i remember talking abt this to aien (or siti to most). Like juz now, i was doing the twist in the corridor with my sis and laughing like a mad woman but when i came in, i took a look at my hp and read the message and suddenly i was a wreck, crying my eyeballs out. and oh yeah, once u tell a girl u love her, dont expect to be frens with her again..things will never be the same again for u. especially if she loved u. n still does.


and if she says she loves you, it means she's prepared to take whatever comes along. of course she'll cry, i myself dont know how to let it out other than cry or sing. and abt that statement abt giving her up, do it if u dont love her...but if u do love her n she loves u....... pls dont..dont destroy ur love.

twenty-seventh january

itz kinda funny sometimes when you think everything's over....then you realise that things have barely scratched the surface of what's to come. N sometimes u know that what you're doing is so wrong but somehow it feels like its the most right thing you've ever done. N falling in love is one of those things that come under that category. I'm not talking abt the repercussions here of course. Syaqir once told me not to let love be my weakness, let it only be my strength. Frankly speaking i'm a little confused about what's happening. But i guess the root of the matter was when people started to want to cook the broth too......

initially it was amusing but lately its making me hot and bothered. i thought the days when i'd cry myself to sleep were over but i guess i'm wrong. In the end i always blame it all on him. I dont usually mean it but it always happens. To tell you the truth i'm very tired from all this so two words to people who arent in this: BUZZ OFF! ( READ: THAT MEANS EVRYONE EXCEPT FOR ME N HIM)


I have practice over the weekend and the whole of next week. They told me i always look fierce.....what can i do? i look fierce and arrogant but i'm really this crazy nut who's juz passionate abt performing n doesnt want the team to be laughed at, that's all. Is that so wrong, for me to want us to look good on stage? I'm being lenient as it is, not asking them to sing one by one, not asking them to project their voices from one end of the outdoor court to the other...... But that's how i managed to get this good... ( which is still pathetic by my own standards) you reap what you sow. I'm not asking for perfection, though i'm a perfectionist when it comes to singing but i was hoping they would put in more effort. Why do something half-heartedly? I'd rather they scrap the whole thing. Ok, diva-esque attitude coming thru here but if u wanna put up a good show then u gotta work right? which is why i find hanging out with the year 3 guys so much more gerek these days.. they're frank and they wont bitch.Yesterday me, arif, mul, suhuf, n rajiv were lepaking at tampines after practice. thank gawd for suhuf and rajiv who came to my rescue by agreeing to join. muahahaha, they were asking me to go skool wif azar since we both stay in sengkang...ya right. we havent even talked b4. that will be the day when i date someone frm my campus...hehehe.i dont like the guys from my batch. they are too concerned with wantin to look cool n wouldnt be caught dead joining something like this. the yr 3 guys r much much more helpful in that sense. nice to tok to oso the fellas. they told me grandmother stories abt ppl in skool n stuf...n wat happened b4 i came in.... damn, nxt yr organising anything will be difficult when they leave. i used to think they were damn stuck up idiots. oops. sorry.


n abt endy, azmi n the rest....... the best thing for me to do is to ignore them right? how dumb but it did not occur to me.


kumasih jua seperti dulu
putaran waktu tak merubah hatiku
terhadapmu..........
sayang
sesungguhnya kutahu
bukan mudah bagimu
semua yang berlaku
akan mengujimu
mengujiku
apa terjadi
usah ragui
hati ini.....
Usah ragui........

doubting someone's love for u is a difficult phase, especially when the honeymoon period is over...some days u wake up n question is all this true or a horrible lie? so u ask ur other half again maybe for the hundredth time. the answer usually remains the same but u still wonder is that really the truth.. initially i'd just take it as it is but now that we've had some sobering experiences i tend to question more. and today i did something but i dunno whether it was the right thing to do or not. i should just involve myself more deeply in the performances and see whether the knots in my personal life will unravel themselves. as bebeh says, breathe in, breathe out. we've been thru worse.

quote given to me by bebeh, dunno where the hell she got it from though : " cinta itu bukan satu pertarungan, bukan sekadar angan-angan, bukan suatu mainan....ianya suci, jadi janganlah takut jatuh cinta.."

i think itz not takut jatuh cinta..more like takut that u'll fall out of love... so u hang on to what's left of it. right now i'm wondering what IS left, n whether there is any point in hanging on to our love or not. wateva it is..........

i love you. a thousand times over.

twenty-fifth january

argh.some people juz dont get it. he wanted to accompany me even though i said no. i mean, if i even knew how he looked like okay lah...but honestly i cant remember. he was so insistent..... i was thinking, come on, i'm not going to die in there. itz juz an eye infection, not like i was going to give birth to his child or something.

anyway, this song is damn catchy..although kinda vulgar.

lose my breath -DC

Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my ah ah
Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my breath
OohI put it right there, made it easy for you to get to
Now you wanna act like you don't know what to do
After I done done everything that you asked me
Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you
Moved so fast, baby now I can't find you
Ooh I'm startin' to believe that I'm way too much for you
All that talk but it seems like you can't come through
All them lines like you could satisfy me
Now I see where believing you got me
Gave you the wheel but you can't drive me

Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my ah ah
Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my breath
Ooh
Two things I don't like when I'm trynna get my groove
Is a partner that meets me only halfway, and just can't prove
Take me out so deep when you know you can't swim
Need a lifeguard and I need protection
To put it on me deep in the right direction
Ooh You understand the facts that I'm trynna give to you
You movin' so slow like you just don't have a clue
Didn't momma teach you to give affection?
Learn the difference from a man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'

c/o

If you can't make me say ooh
Like the beat of this drum
Why you ask for some?
You ain't really want none
If you can't make me say ooh
Like the beat of this groove
You don't have no business in this
Here's your papers, baby you are dismissed

so two items again for me. but shiok. n today i was pleasantly surprised when mrs wee was sitting with the three mouseketeers (for the uninformed itz me amy n inez) she was like...r u the girl who sang during the concert laz yr..den i was like, ya.. den she was like o...i like!!! den she was clapping her hands and all.. made my day again... then amy told her i was gonna sing again soon den she asked if i was gonna sing in mandarin..alah, i dont have enuf time to learn one ah..anyway itz not a solo performance though i get to sing without any accompaniment for the first part..i have the dance n the rest of the dikir team to think about also. tmr practice, thurs practice, fri go get the baju, sat practice, sunday practice...get the point? yupz.. no life.

got to thinking that i'm a horrible spender. but for now i'm trying hard to keep in mind that my parents have to slog day in day out n that's what keeps me from becoming a devil. besides i dont like to spend other people's money either. if u've gone out with me u would know that.. i will feel so guilty.... i guess i hafta start working again soon coz i'm starting to feel devilish again. my mum said i'm very high maintenance so i shall work......... i dont even like spending her money... kesian lah. i'm a horrible spendthrift though... used to take taxis all the time. pemalas haram. ok potential husbands now can be seen running like mad away from me. ahaha. n about marriage, i dont intend to marry till i get my degree (provided i dont start singing pro before that) or till i turn 25, whichever comes first.... that's a good 7 years from now..... so i'm relaxing now though itz kinda amusing when relatives ask wen itz my turn. juz now there was this grp of small kids possibly not older than 14 since they were wearing shorts who approached me.. i laughed n said sori dek, i'm at least 4 yrs older than u... guess itz the trend for guys to go out with older women huh. ahahahahahaha. i dont care.


and iiiiiiiiii will always love uuuuuuuuuuu..haha.like tarzan. or jane. watever.

twenty-third january

aloooooooo..no school for me tomorrow because apparently i look like i have a balloon for a left eye... hmmmzzz.... on firday gotta go kampung melayu n look for the baju to wear on the eighth.... since they are paying i shall go all out n get the extravagant ones...but i swear i wont ever bow down to their wants and wear the cleopatra stuff...enuf alreadi... but i did look good actually...hehe..

my grandmother went mia today...so tmr if i have the guts to wear sunglasses frm morning to night i shall go on an espionage trip n run ard sg looking for her if she doesnt come home...nenek where r u!!!!!!!

ok this is getting lame... n kak lia yes yes i read ur comments....thank you... jgn kasi muke eh kak, nanti naik syiok pulak drg... when r we gonna have a girls' day out?? hafta admit we were quite mean to ju that day huh...

i still haven finished the preparations for the performance yet..but lotsa progress alreadi thank gawd... anyway, someone's ATTRACTED to me? now that's a first... thanks but no thanks....


ayu u r one boring blogger lah u... always telling some grandmother's story. ciao. more next time.

twenty-first january

slamat hari raye aidiladha.... am listening to perfect 10 den dis song from 98 degrees came on.. long time no hear...here it is:

98 Degrees - I Do (Cherish You)
All I am, All I'll be
everything in this world
All that I'll ever need is in your eyes shining at me
When you smile I can feel
all my passion unfolding
your hand brushes mine
and a thousand sensations seduce me
Cause I I do cherish you
for the rest of my life
you don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If your asking do I love you this much
I do
In my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
'Til that day I found you
How you opened my life to a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all my heart
'Til my dieing day
I do cherish you
for the rest of my life
you don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this toyou
If your asking do I love you this much
I do



isnt she lovely.....isnt she wonderful...amrican idol makes me laugh my socks off man...at least the auditions..

n i'm realli becoming a super bitch.. i guess i shd juz go along wif it, i dowan to hurt their feelings. if they know the truth, i'm better off dead.

eighteenth january

today i've been a horrible person. i dont know y but i've been a bitch. i was cursing and ranting and raving coz i had to stay in school for like.. 3 4 hours waiting for one damn bloddy history class n it turned out the teacher had already left skool. she assigned us work but the lab wasnt even booked. stupid or stupid? but now i feel bad coz she's pregnant and all.. ayu you bitch.

but i've been a good friend too! inez kinda broke down in skool. i'm glad i was there. bof of us sat on the toilet floor n she cried it out. den i was like..ermmm..inez...this toilet stinks to high hell..everyone has some shit going on right how. pity her.. told her there's nothing she can do but to pray i guess n hope for the best. n we kissed in front of shameer. wakakaka... coz inez n me were arguing about lesbians wif shameer ( there's this newbie in skool and he was saying that moz likely she's les)and we needed to prove the point so we were like..juz because we hold hands and hug each other doesnt mean we're lesbians.. n juz because we kiss each other like dis doesnt mean we're les... n we kissed!!!! ok..i'm fond of reckless behaviour. so wat. anyway syaqir n me were also arguing abt relationship stuff. it got to the point where i was flinging cushions. READ: IN THE LIBRARY.

can i do the job? project director? i'm seriously very tired already. i have many plans lah, but if there's no solid back-up i can go on planning till i die but nothing's gonna happen right. i wanna screw the year ones upside down sia.... am i fierce???????? no wat!!!!! the practice sessions are so relaxed they still wanna pull out. they aint seen nothing yet man. if they see the trainings i used to have they'll pee in their skirts. btw............... there are no cute guys. period. or is it because i've become blind?

anyway........i am exhausted sia............went out wif bebeh juz now, we hung out n toked cock. she's still as crazy as ever. nv changed. lup u bebeh. tomorrow i hafta conduct another practice session. i hope i can still smile at the end of it. the year 3s r cooperative thank gawd. i want to quit skool sia n rot at home. history will be the death of me. thursday going sentosa. probably will bake in the sun.

this is my timetable. u juz see how fucking stupid it is:
mon: hist hist break break lit lit HTP break ML ML P.E P.E
tues: break break break GP GP break break break lit lit hist hist
wed: lit lit break break GP GP HTP
thurs: ML ML P.E break GP hist hist break
fri: break GP GP break MLA MLA

can u juz see how dumb it is? arsehole. n now it seems like the only subject i take is history. which i'm too shagged to go n read up for. sleepy like fuck now. but still gotta go do the mindmap shit so gawd help me!

my sister is one bloody fool. she threw away my spectacles. i was supposed to go send it for repair coz the screw came out but she threw the damn thing away. i want to skin her alive.

now that i think of it i was an utter bitch in 2004. n i dont think things r gonna change.. things happen for a reason. all i know is that i have always been truthful, at least in that aspect. n i guess i trust him. so letz leave it at that.


yawn. what the fuck am i saying? oh..right. history. damn.

sixteenth january

aloooo..today i'm feeling good. mainly because the gp project is over n done with, the oral presentation went well...i managed to make people laugh n i even got commended..hooray hooray. she said i'd scored very high points for confidence n coz i didnt depend on my notes. she said obviously i wasnt afraid of speaking to an audience. juz then mark showed that laz slide for the presentation. it read: ayu, the singer.

the class was laughing coz they know me..i'm crooning every single moment that i get a chance to. the other day i turned the com lab into a recording studio. people in class that i hardly tok to were like...wow. terence said i'd better join sg idol the next time round. then i was like...the a levels lah....then he was like...hu cares!!!!!! u'll do well in singing wat. u can always go back to ur studies later. make the big bucks first! i wish i had that kinda confidence. so really this blog n what i write abt my singing here is actually a booster for my confidence when it starts to get low. terence made my day when he said...join lah!!! then i can tell my frens...hey, i knew that girl...

although it was probably for selfish reasons, i hafta thank him..it was incredibly flattering to me n i got to thinking maybe i have more supporters than i think i do. i hate to let people down but i dont know...all the auditions i didnt turn up for, all the offers i turned down.......................

anyway anyway...cny i'm performing..one of my fav songs. i LIKE!!!!!!! hope it goes well.

this is one helluva song that i used to get fairuz to sing when he was stil in skool.

amazed-lonestar
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes
Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

I LIKE I LIKE I LIKE!!!!!!!!!

twelfth january

tried to get the tix for the match on sunday juz now, but didnt get them.... then when i got home my dad said i should have juz bought them, he'll reimburse me..haha....idiotic me.. coz initially i was kinda wavering on whether to buy or not coz i was afraid he'd not let me go....nvm, juz will go there on sunday n buy it direct if possible.... fuck, u know i havent eaten rice for a week... more like CANT actually...been sticking to like...finger food for the paz week. i noe i will drop dead before the week is over. but i puke everytime i eat rice.... inez said mebbe i have gastric flu or some shit like that. but i eat wat!!!!!!!!

okay someone juz pissed me off big-time the other day... some guy from wan's camp saw my pic on his hp... btw wan is this guy i hung out wif during the recent holidays.... he's a moron btw. u noe how some people are trigger-happy? well he's exactly like that, only his weapon of choice is his handphone. get the picture? (pun totally intended) so anyway, this guy asked for my number and because of the many many guys that i'm in contact wif, (READ: NONE!) i decided to be an angel and gave him my number. well i didnt. wan passed it to him. did i mention he is a moron?? it went ok at first, i juz went a long with it lah, until it got to a point when he asked me what i was currently doing. i told him i'm at m.i, bartley campus.... then the bastard asked me...sec brape?

so i got irritated and told him i was in sec 1. then he was like..haha...wan told me you were 18. (at this point, you are to ROLL YOUR EYES) so i was like hahahahahahahaha.. (That's SARCASTIC LAUGHTER for ya) well...almost. MAY SEVENTH btw people.... hint hint hint hint hint. anyway he asked what do i do specifically, then i told him, i'm doing my a levels. then this bastard totally pissed me off when he said WAH U'RE SMARTER THAN ME SIA. what the fuck. that guy is such an egotistical idiot..... i guess he expected me to be the kind that's barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. at that point, it was bye-bye. i'm sorry if i'm being sensitive, but it juz goes to show what he thinks of women.. so what's his point, that i hafta be dumb before he'd want to get to know me? eh come on lah, emancipation has already occured. wake up from your dream lah.


ok now i hafta go look for lyrics for some song...cny, i'm performing btw..but its still in the early stages so the details r not out yet...not a solo performance tho. n i'm gg to be in the exco????????? okayyyyyyyy..that's surprising.

tenth january

i have only been able to be up for more than an hour today... haven't been to school for two days now..... got a bad case of food poisoning. i think it was because of the far east plaza incident..dunno lah... but i'm okay now. i remember after what happened in october last yr, i promised myself i'll never hafta eat/drink charcoal for the rest of my life. n yet, barely three months later, the doctor prescribed me some. N no, i didnt eat it. i only ate the other two pills. went to the doctor at 10 on thursday night. mamat called my mum at work and ask her to come home. i really didnt want to lah, but i think i was losing consciousness or something. from 6 to 10 that night, i puked 12 times. My whole body aches till now... i didnt eat at all for two days ( i cant even drink water without puking it out again) until laz evening when i managed to eat porridge w/o puking. but i think i'm almost well today...... yay.
man messaged me this morning asking to help with this cute jap-looking yr 1 girl he saw....hahaha... funny lah dat guy.

niwae, was at my frenster thingy juz now den i saw this thing someone posted... i dunno y but it was sooooooo sad so here it is.....

Chinie is a typical college girl who enjoys life tothe fullest. She loves her boyfriend so much and texts him every now and then.JM is Chinie's boyfriend who works in a call center in Ortigas. He's always busy doing so many things. He only manages to reply to Chinie's texts when he gets off from work. One time JM received a message from Chinie:"hi baby! how r u? miss u! call me when u come home k?! tc! lovu!"JM ignored the message because he always receive the same message whenever it is timefor him to go home from work."baby,i miss u already! did u eat yet?! take care when u go home! ill be w8ing 4 ur call. lovu!""baby,where r u?! u're not replying to my msg. well,ill b here w8ing for ur call! lovu!"JM reaches home and lay on his bed. The last thing he knew was he's reading Chinie's text.He was so tired he fall asleep and wasn't able to return Chinie's call. He can still hear his phone beep but he's too tired to take a glimpse on the message.When he woke up the next day, he remembered that he needed to call Chinie. He ignored the messages and dialed Chinie's #. No one's answering in her house. He called up her cellphone and he was surprised that her father answered the call. In his voice you can feel his tears and hear his heart tearing apart."JM,why didnt u call just now? Chinie's been waiting for u!""Dad sorry.i was tired so i fell asleep.i called at home but no one answered.wher are u now?.""just wait for us at home"JM went to Chinie's house and much to hissurprised he saw a lot of people inside. Thehouse were so lighted but you can see the gloom on every person you'll meet there. He was greeted by Chinie's mom on tears. She hug him tight and cried on his shoulders.

"Chinie was waiting for u. she didnt go out with us coz she was waiting for ur call. she was killed las night by some robbers who came in here. she's gone JM, she's gone""Ma,Chinie texted me last night..how could that have happened?!"JM can't look who's inside the coffin. He can'tmove and it feels like his whole body is stuckedon the chair his seating. He wanted to cry but itseems that something is blocking his tears tofall down. He turn to his phone and read themessages of Chinie."baby, ill be w8ing for u to call. i wont go out with dad anymore!""baby, im scared. i think theres som1 downstairs. pls call me already!""baby, theyre here. wut if they kill me.pls call me. baby where r u? i need youhere now. please baby i can hear them come...""baby.... i love you!..."
He wanted to shout and cry so loud. It's true that Chinie is waiting for his call. Up to her last breath she only thought about him.He stare at Chinie inside the coffin. Suddenly tears starts flowing down his cheeks. He can't say anything. The only words he uttered..."My baby, i'm so sorry! If i'd known, i could have fought for you! i'm really sorry! I love you so much!"


Well my point is...what's the point when she's gone. you didnt give a damn when she was still alive. Nangislah airmata darah tapi will she come back????? The thing is you don even need to say much. Juz the three words will do.
for me, i'd rather receive the same message everyday rather than never receive it again. so if u think u're other half is being irritating...... dont take her for granted.... Make an effort. Itz never too late...unless she's gone.

sayangnya harapan yang selama ini kubawa
hancur berkecai musnah jua akhirnya
semuanya bagaikan sebuah mimpi
kau pergi jua.....
setelah cintaku kini membara
belum sempat kucurahkan kasihku
kau pergi tak kembali....

so y wait......................................... dont make the same mistake JM made.



although i'm saying that, i'm trying hard NOT to contact the person i love. Ironic, dont you think? I'm kinda resigned to it already. I dont even want to think of it anymore......y shd i when all it brings is tears? FRIENDS?????????????????? hahahahahaha.so easy for you to say.


i'm sorry but i'm not like other girls okay. What, do you think i change boyfriends every few months? Idiot.

still second january

yes yes, i changed the template.... i dont really like pink actually.. but it was kinda fresh, so i took it...a more sombre look this year though.... i'm slllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeepy now..... actually i came online to look for something but now for the life of me i cant remember what it was... okie, shall leave u with another song....


i sang this song during the teachers' day event.... i loved that performance.. so honoured to be able to perform in front of an unexpectedly wonderful audience.

how do i live - trisha yearwood

how do i
get thru one night without you
if i had to live without you
what kind of life wld that be?
and i
baby i dont know what i would do...
i'd be lost if i lost you
if u ever leave
baby u wld take away everything
gd in my life
n tell me now...

how do i live without you
i want to know
how do i breathe without you
if u ever go
how do i ever, ever survive......
how do i
oh how do i live

without you
there'd be no sun in my sky
there wld be no love in my life
thre'd be no world left for me
and i...
i need you in my arms
need you to hold
you're my world
my heart, my soul...
if u ever leave
baby u wld take away everything
need you with me
baby coz u noe tt u're everything
gd in my life

n tell me now..........


hey... was looking thru some stuff n i found lyrics to this malay song i hope i'll be able to perform someday. itz kinda popular.

Laguku Untukmu - hasnol.

kehadiran membawa seribu erti
terasa bagaikan suatu mimpi
indah mahligai yang kita bina
impian kini terlaksana sudah...

tiade ku terlintas akan terjadi
kita kan terpisah jua akhirnya
sejenak ku terfikir segala
oh keindahan bersamamu

C/o: kembalilah kasih kepada diriku
hidupku sepi tanpa kehadiranmu
dengar rayuanku jeritan batinku
masih dahagakan kemesraanmu
hanya kau yang kucinta tiada kedua
usah biar kumenderita....

setelah kau pergi tiada kembali
pilunya tak dapat kumenggambarkan
abadi kasihku yang amat suci
biarku yang dalam kegelapan

dengarlah dendangan laguku untukmu
suara hati lambang suci murni
berat saatku dilamun rindu
setelah lama dikau pergi
kasihku....

i once had a boyfren who actually went to a lot of trouble trying to get to know me and my love of music better even though he didnt noe a single thing then... the last i heard of him, he joined a dikir barat grp n became the juara himself. we were together when we were 12 (tween 'love'), n again when we were 16... but i asked him to let me go coz i was in love with someone else. if ever i find a guy like that, i will NEVER ever make the same mistake again.

second january

itz a new year...new start to everything hopefully. i hope i don judge people based on hearsay, n i hope the same goes for me too........ but then again itz hard trying to escape from being toked about... itz like a mini hollywood in school sometimes... try as u hard as u can to escape the 'limelight' but itz kinda futile... anyway, undoubtedly 2004 was a memorable year, albeit a trifle painful.... but i did learn new stuff, i got back into performing (yayayayayay) n i fell in love....woohoo.... lotsa people ask if i regret the whole saga... abt me n ***** lah.... but honestly, i dont. dont get me wrong, itz not like what you think.. but then again only me and ***** know exactly what happened. i dont owe anyone any explanations anyway.. itz our life. anyway u cant choose who u fall in love with...if u could, life would be a lot simpler... BUT BORINGGGGGG!

hey anyone watched sister act 2: back in the habit the other day? i like it coz it kinda voices my thoughts abt singing.

if u wanna be somebody
if u wanna go somewhere
better wake up and pay attention

there's this part in the show where lauryn hill says exactly how i feel abt singing right now.


" I might wanna sing, but it aint gonna happen so watz the point? welcome to the real world sista."

and then there's this part where whoopi goldberg was telling her abt dis writer bla bla... she said sum stuff abt u being a writer if the first thing that u think of when u wake up is writing...... so wen she said that if the first thing u think abt (or do) when u wake up is singing, then u're a singer, it made me feel like....yeah, i should do this man...


and then reality hits me again. n i'm like..u r kidding urself.. u're not even that good. so stop dreaming. it makes me exasperated sometimes... seems like there aint nothing that i can do right. i mean, when i'm a bit older i guess i could be a singer somewhere... but i dont wanna juz sing in some club or hotel. maybe i'm ambitious but i dont settle for mediocre stuff when it comes to singing. it gotta be good. n the fact is that i'm not the sort who can do a desk-bound job. performing has always been my thing. dikir barat kinda introduced me to performing to a larger audience and i'm grateful for that, but i wanna do something on my own.

it kinda sucks lah, everything...... my love life sucks. i'm going nowhere career-wise.. darn. r&b/soul...... will i ever get to hear myself on radio.... i will cry my eyeballs out the day that happens................. i'm really thankful for those who have been supportive of me singing n all..... i hate to let u ppl down but here in singapore i gotta face it, the odds r against me...i dunno, i guess i'll see how things go this year.

i remember i made a promise to myself once that i'd stop drinking if i found someone i truly loved. i've stopped, for many months now. I'll stop smoking if i find that love again, n if my career takes off. i dunno whether it'll happen though. 2005..wait n see.

twenty-seventh december

went to sentosa today.. havent updated my blog for awhile now. wasnt home much lah. anyway, this is the song i'm falling in love with..itz the kind of song that u love more and more each time u hear it... itz by mariah carey and brian mcknight too... i wonder why i never heard it earlier... I LIKE!!!!!!! haha... gawd, my knees are about to buckle from too much walking.... been out too much. tmr i shall be a good girl n stay at home. n i'm famished now man.... gotta go grab food before the grumbling starts to drown out the perfect 10.

whenever you call -mariah carey n brian mcknight

(Brian McKnight:)
Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
(Mariah)
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
(BM:) We can only turn into one
(Chorus, both) I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

And I'm truly inspired (And I'm)
Finding my soul (Finding my soul)
There in your eyes (There in your eyes)
And you (And you)
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised

chorus

(BM) And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
(M) You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside

chorus.


i would die to record a duet like this. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. i'm positively aching to sing but i'm such a scaredy cat that it realli pisses me off. n i STILL dont do anything about it. DAMN YOU AYU.


anyway, while i was at sentosa i remembered what happened the last time i was at a beach, which was a few days before i went on holiday. i remember telling *** before that he'd better take care of his lips or NOBODY is ever gonna want to kiss him. i mean, they were peeling and i AM a good friend(right??) so i gave him advice....

then wen we were at the beach that night( it was quite romantic actually, sitting on a bench late at night staring out at sea (even though we couldnt see anything) and juz toking crap and laughing bla bla) he suddenly looked at me seriously and asked me whether his lips were kissable then... i was stunned for a moment coz i realised he was gonna kiss me. he juz looked into my eyes until i spoiled it by laughing it off like a maniac and punching his arm. N no, duh, we didnt kiss. it was sweet though earlier, when we walked along the beach with some guy's niece. someone commented that we looked like we were married to each other with a child..awwwwwwwww...

but what definitely wasnt sweet was when i met my campus' malay cikgu at genting highlands and he asked me if i came with my HUSBAND. how incredibly tactful of him.

i'm hungryyyyyy!!! anyway, there's a new ljs replacing the burger king at my place. havent had the chance to go there yet..will do so tmr mebbe. k lah wont membebel.. didnt ask u to read my blog anyway. ciao darling.

twentieth december

wow..the year has almoz ended.... anyway, this is one helluva song, by beyonce..... I LIKE!!!!!!!!!!


dangerously in love

baby i love u
u r my light
my happiest moments werent complete
if u weren't by my side
u're my relation
in connection to the sun
wif u next to me
there's no darkness i cant overcome
u r my raindrop
i am the sea
with u n god, who's my sunlight
i bloom n grow so beautifully
baby i'm so proud
proud to be ur girl
u make the confusion go all away
from this cold n messed up world

chorus
i am in love with u
u set me free
i cant do this thing
called life w/o u here with me
coz i'm dangerously in love with u
i'll never leave
juz keep loving me
the way i love u loving me

i noe u love me
love me for hu i am
coz years before i became hu i am
baby u were my man
i noe it aint easy
easy loving me
i appreciate the love n dedication
frm u to me
later on in my destiny
i see myself having ur child
i see myself being ur wife
n i see my whole future in ur eyes
tot of all my love for u
sometimes makes me wanna cry
realise all my blessings
i'm grateful to have u by my side

everytime i see ur face
my heart smiles
everytime it feels so good it hurts sometimes
to feel, to breathe, to love u
DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE.......




i went shopping AGAIN today...retail therapy is good, i recommend it highly.. mind the consequences though... i went to the music store fully intending to buy usher's cd ( kinda late huh?) but ended up wif mariah carey.... both r&b anyway.

i am thinking of u
in my sleepless solitude tonyt
if itz wrg to love u
then my heart juz wont let me be ryt

this used to be my trademark song in tkg... mariah carey of tkg, mr collin?? haha....

anyway, i bought shoes yesterday..then i remembered what the doc said the laz time i went to go check my foot. she said it was quite a bad injury n it will nv b as good as it was ( damn! ouch!) n she doesnt noe whether i'll be able to run again..she juz told me to try n run n c if i can tolerate the pain..if cannot, too bad, bye-bye track. i also remember the trainings in tkg..i was the only poor fella frm sec 1 in the sch team..n i had to run wif nora sometimes ( nora the ford supermodel thingy winner. nora with the endless legs. nora who almoz killed me. nora nora nora) but it was shiok lah, the people made the trainings bearable(such as wen i nearly fell off the steps at the national stadium, n wen we trained at the now defunct kallang practice track nxt 2 da netball centre).......... there was also this funny incident which happened after the nationals... i went back to school after my race to resume lessons ( had to..usually we tried to skip but dat day suay lah) n i juz wore my track stuff under my pinafore... obviously it was sleeveless right, n my pinafore doesnt have sleeves (duh) so it kinda looked like i wore nothing under my pinafore.... it happened to be a lab lesson under this guy, mr whatshisname... he kept staring at me from the front of the lab ( i was at the back) den he said loudly, rahayu, y r u not wearing anything underneath ur pinafore.. thank god it was a girls' school. bloody embarassing. so i went up to him angrily, and yanked at my jersey...haha....
track people were the closest to each oder, coz we were such a small community ( n we stole all the medals during sports day... :P) there wasnt such a thing as senior junior bullshit. i got to boss the seniora ard coz i was to be made captain the nxt yr (yay!) we were close also because we were in constant danger of being shut down...and it happened, coz in sec 2 it was dropped n we trained by ourselves...but it was difficult because the more enthu seniors had already left n so had mr d cruz... n so here i am, a fat slob in m.i..........


awwwwww.....wat a sob story.
eh... i'm damn boring sia...tok next time.

eighteenth december

suddenly i've got this thing for brian mcknight. black singers are the devil..... their voices r sooooooo sexy.


coz one you're like a dream come true
two, just wanna be with u
three, coz itz plain to see that you're the only one for me
and four, repeat steps 1 2 3
five make u fall in love with me
if ever i believe my work is done
then i'll start back at one........


i used to go nuts over this song when it first came out. i STILL love it.


STILL- brian mcknight
funny wen u stop n think, time goes faster than u blink
but nothing's ever like it was
but girl we've got a special thing n all the happiness it brings
is more than enuf

i noe itz hard to believe you're still the biggest part of me
all i'm livin for

chorus:
i still think abt u
i still dream abt u
i still want u
n need u by my side
i'm still made abt u
all i eva wanted was u
u're still the one
u're still the one

itz hard to breath wen we're aaprt
u're like sunshine in my heart
i keep u here inside
u've been everything to me
u've been n always will be
the apple of my eye

i noe its hard to believe u're still the biggest part of me
all i'm living for

chorus

if u love me look into my eyes n say u do
i've been waiting all my life for someone just like u
n after all we've been thru
girl i'm still in love with u
n i want u to noe i do..... I DO......



i used to love this particular person a lot. he once told me that he couldn't make eye contact with people sometimes. he should have known that my eyes, the eyes that have cried so much for him, would have shown him what my mouth couldnt utter. shown him THAT I LOVE HIM.

eighteenth december

honey i'm hoooooooooooooooome!!!!!!!! it was a cool five days i spent holidaying.... and i mean literally cool, or cold, rather. it was like 13 degrees in genting.... i became a seven yr old again, climbing over railings and such. my vogue act went down the drain. the one day that i tried to be a bit more glamourous was a huge mistake coz i took the viking and dis horrible roller coaster which i swore was trying to throw me off n made me swear like hell. AND I WAS WEARING A SKIRT. i wore jeans to dinner and a skirt to go on the freaking rides. dumb as hell ayu.


n sadly there was not a single eye-candy there... i wasnt in the mood anyway. o ya, the kl hotel room was gorrrrrrgeoooouuussssss..... the decor was like...wow. anyway, itz ard 12 now, juz woke up... n i have this horrible tan from swimming. dunno wat else to say except that before i left for genting someone gave me a shouck. a huge one. anyway, i'm back, so contact me y'all, before boredom kicks in again.

6th december

shit forgot to tell u guys...will be away from the 13th to 17th....yay...eye-candy please!!!!!!
and o yeah..read the malay papers dis morning n i found out the talent management co. i turned down is the one managing aqmal...well u noe, the anugerah guy....

shot myself in the foot there, didnt i? but nvm...perhaps itz an indication tt bigger thints r to come my way..itz only fair, right.....


haha..wishful thinking

wishing and hoping.............. *fingers are crossed* but i dont believe in that shit. hard work is what gets u to the top.. and bloody good contacts. which i turned down. bummer.

6th december

yooohoooo..... heyaz... went on a date today...hehe... a really weird one.. ok it wasnt a date to me lahzz..dunno abt the other party though..... muahahahaha.... get out u scumbag coz guess wat?? ayu's in da houz once more....

n itz payback time.





but somehow...shit..am i leading him on or something... but then again... i AM entitled to my share of fun right....n hell, i feel gooooooooooddddddd. i got him...i got him all right. ayu, one point for ya...

third december

aloooooo... the past few days have been like... WHOA!!!!!!!!! went out a lot...i watched SAW... i hate you akbar for making me watch that show!!!!!!! at least i exacted my revenge by making one of ur sleeves longer than the other...argghhhhhhhh... i still havent watched shutter yet..damn.wan asked me today but i feel malas lah... some other day lah.

still havent been on a proper date lately... bored like hell. maybe i shd have juz gone wif wan to the movies. damn. alah dunno wat to say now..... more next time.

twenty-fifth november

yesterday i went out wif my classmates... jalan raya... akbar, how do u 'jalan tak tepat'?? muahahahaha...inside jokes r the devil i tell u... i looked like a maniac at junction 8 laffing my ass off ( especially wif the vibrant hair-colour and the fact that i was almost sitting down at the traffic-light) it was so fun..i think we ate mee like..3 times yesterday..i'm amazed they could still swallow the same food again at 11.30 at night WIF RELISH.. the wonders of human capabilities... i start work on monday (i think) yayayayay.. *$$$$$$*$$$$$$$*

i am starting to enjoy life as a single person again... so fun 'changing partners' yesterday..pissed wif one, juz grab another!!! jokinglah, obviously.... tomorrow i hafta go to bloody toh tuck for some moronic event. they're gonna make me sing, as usual i think... and my handphone is such a bloody bugger i tell u..... dont bother sms or calling it ok.. call my houz. and how come i'm having my period NOW??????? didnt i juz get it 2 wks ago? after i came out frm hospital my menstual cycle has adopted this freakingly irritating erratic behaviour.. well itz betta than not getting it i guess.

can i sue smrt for plastering petrol or what seems like crude oil on my kain? fuck lah, i only wore that baju once and it got stuck in the elevator thingy..thank god it didnt tear when i had to yank it off the steps... and the worst part is oil stains ur stuff..arghhhhhhhhhh!

suddenly i feel like dating again.. i noe i said i've had enough of it for a long long time but lately i'm realising what fun i'm giving up. of course this time the criteria is a lot stricter,duh.....

which bring me to this.. do i have a THIRD PARTY sign hanging ard my neck or written on my forehead? recently, there's dis guy hu came to my houz to get something frm me (at midnight..) then he started contacting me, being lovey-dovey and all.. i kinda scared him away when i kept bugging him abt whether he was attached or not.... btw, he said he wasnt... but i did my own sleuthing and i found out that indeed he WAS attached!!!!!! and guess wat... he was attached to my friend, and she's like..15???? she's frm the dk grp tt i used to be in and they all call me mummy..can u imagine me taking my "daughter's" boyfriend????????? no way in hell, man... i didn't even like him anyway..well even if i did there was absolutely no chance of us getting together bcoz of what happened recently.. and she's MY FREN!!!!!!! so young and all... (tak tergamak aku nak buat gitu kat dia, or anyone else for that matter.( nevermind that i loved that particular someone like hell.)this juz had to happen, of course...but at least he's responsible enough to apologise for having a crush on me...weird weird world. thank god i checked abt him...phew.


well well.... i'm just waiting for the BIG BANG... and when he comes, he'll be ALL MINE. yeah baby.no doubts abt it.

eleventh november

heyyyyyyy... hahahahhahaha..i was recently at my frenster thingy and this freaky guy kept messaging me about gg to malaysia to go catch snakes and whether i wanted to join them..then he told me he was bitten by one and had to forfeit ten days of his puase..... riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhttt... I CARE! I REALLY DO! my pooor baby... weird guy... hahaha.

and my youngest sis has become a woooomaann. she got her period a few days ago. funny, coz all my life she has been 'a baby' and now i realise hey, she's grown up too.... well i cant exactly escape from that fact since she's almost as big (or small??) as i am and she's only 11...


u noe ***** is such a bastard. dunno wat i saw in him also. is it so hard to juz tell me he hates me? at the very least, he dosnt love me ryt, after how he's treated me (which is worse than cow dung, for the uninformed) so JUZ FREAKING TELL ME MAN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? NO GUTS AH?
sorry, juz felt like screaming. n i hate myself for this particular thing that only i know...stupid stupid me.

n i hate the fourteenth of whateva month. it sucks. yes itz hari raya dis month, but itz also...argh. stupid date. i shd never have gone to all these places, getting soaked and all. not worth it lah in the end. i shd haf stuck to my first impression of him....they always do count, dont they?


but it has happened. i dunno what i'm gonna do if i see him again ( letz guess - run away?) o i forgot..he's dead to me. n yet..................................

eighth november

mak oi.....kaki aku sakittttttt... went to geylang AGAIIIIIINNN... was a good girl n didnt buy anything though... does mee hoon goreng count? but it was soooooooo tasteless... tak sedap lah..or izzit my tastebuds? i'm getting sick of my pink blog... never liked pink actually.

going to town tomorrow maybe...meeting my bebeh, or the group.. see how things go. i look like a golden monkey!!!! i had to rush the other day while dying my hair so i couldnt really monitor the colour..den whoa!!!!!!!!!!! shall redo it some other day..at least no one's snickered yet.

sayu.......hati ini makin sayu...... hari raya in 6 days' time, if i'm not mistaken... i don't feel anything actually. i dont have anything or anyone special to celebrate with. in case you detect a tinge of sadness, well yeah.... it is hari raya after all.. but before u go on a tirade on how the idiot manipulated me n stuff, I AM FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all right, so stop bugging me... n yes the next one i snag will be one hell of a guy, don't worry. yes, a single one. i dunno how i'm gonna accomplish that but i'm sure there's still a nice guy out there. goodness, i make this sound like the end of the world. i wanna go out and have fun tomorrow...............yippee.

i have to alter all of my kebayas... even though i'm a bigger pig now, i still hafta make do with xxs and STILL alter it...leceh ah. thank god my mum can sew... wonder what the hell akbar is doing studying thai... n what all the hype abt ikhlas all about..well i shall leave the mystery for now and go grab a drink from the kitchen... c ya after raye i guess. ciao.



i'll be bak.

second november

so itz fixed. i shall be slaving another year of my life at this skool, gettting my ass ready for the a's....... blank on whether itz good or not..i did get promoted, not merely advanced so there's the wow factor there...anyway here's what miss ng wrote to me:

hello! you've got guts,courage. Not many can say that of themselves. You've overcome obstacles others do not have the courage to face. Take 2004 as one where the 'Ayu' I know triumphed. That is true strength. There will be other tough patches, take this year as a sign- knowledge; that, there's something, something special in you. SMILE -!


can i just say that she is one sweet lady? i never thought myself as a strong person but more and more i'm realising that people think i am.. well those that dont think i'm a slut anyway. i think i've had it up to here with all the lies guys give me. i am sure to give u one swift kick in the ass the moment there's a hint of a lie that you're attempting to tell me and i swear after what i've been through, i am not lying. yes i still love ***** despite knowing that he is one gutless idiot, but that's all there is to it. i love him but i do not wish for whatever happened between us to reoccur. but i won't say that it will never happen again because we can only plan but God determines it, but it sure hurts a damn lot. the blood tests yeah, but the emotional pain is superb man, i tell u... y the hell do the teachers think i'm some prodigy? i'm such a slob..i never studied since psle, seriously..i pay attention just enough to barely scrape through every year. i thought well...this year this is it, your luck runs out girl but no!!!!!!!!!! i guess i suffered enough during the relationship n all that it wasnt right for me to suffer anymore...hahahaha. absolute crap ah? but for those who dont believe in me i'm going to grab hold of that mass communications degree and shove it up your ass where the sun dont shine babe.... and when i want to do something i will do it. so dont get me hot and bothered boy because it sure aint a pretty sight when this girl gets pissed.... (though i cool down easily :P)

my ass hurts from the gym workout, man.... havent gone there in years...but shiok lah, sweating it out..... must do it more often.