twenty-seventh

watched white noise two days ago... so sad. bebeh screamed. THE ONLY ONE. and fucking loud too, at that. i was watching with half an eye (is that possible?) towards the end, the rest of my head stuck in between bebeh's shoulder and the seat. It wasnt scary lah to tell you the truth. But even before the movie started i had already scared bebeh to such a degree that i freaked myself out too.

went to gpa, with bebeh ( but i left her there. oops. guilty) but ended with arif and fadhil. weird. like i told him, itz funny how i can be friends with him one minute, not tok to him for the rest of the year and then we were like buddies again yesterday. n i finally admitted to him tt i used to have a tiny crush on him eons ago. he said itz ok, a number of girls have a thing for him too. it was then tt i realised y exactly he pissed me off a lot when we were schoolmates. his ego. HUUUGGEEEE. like him. anyway he is attached. fadhil and fadilah. how cute. ayu and????????????? hahahah.

i would have killed him yesterday if my heels broke. he made me climb up this slope when we were heading back, me and arif to tamp to lepak with the usual guys-rajiv, suhuf, and saz also.. n he to town to work. haha. if he didnt hold my hand i would have made it up that slope anyway but sometimes i juz cant resist doing the damsel in distress act. which was his own doing anyway.

i'm gradually starting to relax a bit more... many people can attest that i get too emotionally involved with things. but that's juz me.... i like to get up close and....personal. hahahahah. nut. cant help it tt i care about him right.

i have no idea where things are heading for me. for most things. i guess i'll just hafta wait and see. like i used to say...if it happens, it happens.

what is wrong with the fucking music industry in singapore?????? damn. dollar signs are the priority now i suppose. if only people can, juz for some time, look beyond materialistic needs and wants, then maybe love would seem that much more pure. sometimes it seems like something of convenience. if there's mutual benefit, then ok, we'll go together. or maybe i'm too much of a romantic.



love. what a funny word. i dont know what it means to me anymore.

and then.....

wowwee.... today i've been a major leaky faucet...waterworks very much in progress... i hurt all over. emotionally duh too. watched a hindustani movie today can you believe it? raja hindustani.... so nice.... found lotsa parrallels to my life... but i shall not elaborate much on that.

anyhow, i was an utter angel today..actually treated the kiddos to food... and when i was out wif my uncle and his li'l brood of chickens, oops i meant children, nafisha came and held my hand..so i was like, yes sayang? den she said kakak ayu, u mother right? i was stunned for a while den i said no darling... den she said when you want to become mother?

okay..let me try and figure this out. this 6 yr old girl thinks i'm a mom. n when i told her i'm not a mom yet she asked me when i was going to be one... i freaking hope that was a compliment... but i imagine i would be a good mom... yeah. awwwwwwwwwww.... the only thing is i would have to have a maid. but i'm kinda uneasy abt having outsiders in my household.

i love kids..juz dat i dont have enough stamina to run around the whole day making sure they dont fall off couches and jump off beds. tadaa..which is why i need the maid.


i think i'm finally enlightened on y so many people call me mami...haha..of course not THAT kind. what an utter insult to such a noble character. not me. i meant a mother. everyone goes duh....

but babymaking is off the list till i'm 25 ok. AT LEAST.

i love you baby..and if its quite all right i need you baby to warm my lonely nights... afiq i am utterly in love with you..u cute little bugger u..next time i'm over at nenek's i shall kidnap you so i can make you kiss me a million times. being kissed by toddlers is sooooo nice. if i'm not careful i shall squeeze the air out of the cute little muffin. gawd...why have i become so googoogaga over kids? weird.
did i tell you he's an utter sucker for spiderman? he knows the lines and he's only two..itz always complete with reenactment... and everytime he sees peter kiss mj he kisses his mama...damn cute.

audition. must. go. stupid. bitch. you. ayu.

eighteenth feb

went out again wif da yr 3 guys.. siao fellas. go n kacau dis poor makcik at the cab stand.... tsk3. nothing much today, except dat i had to bring two whips home wif me. s&m guys? ur head ah. i'm hungry actually...will eat later while watching telly... shall oblige farhan n watch tt malay thingy.

mebbe gg out wif dem again tmr. oh ya for v day got a rose frm najib n something from someone else too...ahem.... haha. nothing lah... i'm in the mood for dates now. my...i am boring today...shall update u wif more interesting stuff nxt time..ciao.

thhhhiirrrteeeeeeenth february

tomorrow's valentine's day. remembered that i went to town last year with my best fren n we acted like lesbians, to spite all those people celebrating. my point is, itz kinda stupid being mushy that day and the rest of the year people act like their other halves dont exist. some of you might ssay i'm juz jealous coz i dont have anyone to spend it with. wrong. to me everyday should be spent cherishing each other, not waiting for 14th feb to shower each other with chocs and what-nots n then forgetting to tell them that you love them for the rest of the year. dumb.

seven months tomorrow. wow. yes i'm not celebrating valentine's day. i just like the dedications on radio coz they play real nice songs i might not be able to hear other times of the year. sometimes i think, love or singing? i cant decide for now..... maybe because it hasnt become a real issue for me coz i havent really sung yet. but i have performances coming up soon, auditions to go to........


juz remembered something i read the other day :





now i see how important drama is. my singing background can help to a certain extent, the emoting aspect.

all my life i've dreamt of someone like you..and i thank god that i finally found you.


nobody is worth crying over, and those people who are, wont let you shed a tear.

went to town after all.. watching erin brockovich soon. i'm damn pissed. dunno with whom or what. but when i get pissed i do stupid stuf. like toking to people i dont give a damn about. to fill in the void in my life. then i think, what the hell am i trying to do. then i remember what i sought out to do and it gets clear again. for a while.

i'm hungry. i never eat proper meals now, juz tiny portions of food when i want to. cant finish a plate of food anymore. think i lost 2 kg. not think, i KNOW. ok.. damn bored. damn pissed. fed-up. get the picture. now i'm the one pretending. well life is after all a stage and all the men and women merely players.....

just wish it doesnt hafta be this way. but like i said, i dont have a choice. because although i'm willing to give up everything to give us a shot, he doesnt bloody care. which i already knew since the start but i keep looking at him thru rose-tinted glasses, even blindly at times. n i still care. what an absolute idiot.

it's the eleventh right?

happy birthday cik ijah.... last few days have been filled with doing ridiculous stuff that i would never, ever do under other circumstances.... damn. got freaked out pretty bad..but kinda true to some extent. at home alone now. mom went out..later shall head to town if i lose this pemalas haram feeling that i have from head to toe now. there's no food in the house, i dont even have stuff to cook... MUST EAT!!!!! mebbe i'll grab food later while i'm out. IF i'm going out. the song by fantasia barrino is kinda nice.. new one, dunno wat the title is. think it's 'truth is'.

my cousin is getting married on the 3rd of april. there hasnt been a wedding in 10 years since my aunt. she's the first kuz to get married. and get this : they want me to perform. hahahahaha. ayu the wedding singer. how does that sound? muahaha. marriage..... it seems so distant right now. especially today. bebeh knocked some sense into me last night. lemme see whether i still have the message.
bebeh: i think you should tink 1st if u realli can give up on da so called r'ship AND him... dont cheat urself cos it'l juz make it worse.


u see...the thing is i dont have a choice. truth is i havent given up but do i have a choice??????? the only thing to do is deceive myself like i've done b4, telling myself every single day that i dont love him. so forgive me frens if i decline wen u ask me out. i am really occupied with deceiving myself. i'm drilling into my brain: he doesnt love you. geddit in ur stubborn head.

fuck. went swimming for two straight days n u shd see how dark i've become. yucks. whitening lotion will take over as the most important thing in my life. ok..ciao.

seventh feb

tomorrow-the chinese new year performance
feelings: aghast that i still dont have my voice at full-horsepower yet.hah.still sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose
to solve that, i've been drinking honey with warm water (which i hate)..besides being an aphrodisiac, it also soothes the harassed throat. it gets rid of phlegm and the like. ewww.

unless a major miracle occurs tomorrow when i wake up, i shall hafta settle for sounding like a cross between mariah carey and the nanny. of course, it is rather slanting towards the latter. am listening to recordings to the countless competitions i've been to to get into the mood.

shall have an early night's and as usual, panic tomorrow morning when i wake up, trying to find my make-up, iron my clothes. hafta be there by 6.30??? no way in hell, the diva in me says. the diva also insists on being perfect so she is doing the make-up herself and arriving impeccable in a limousine. alas, due to obvious financial setbacks, i will have to settle for a cab. or if i am in a unvelievably good mood i shall even come via bus. bodyguards will of course wait in school to hold back the fans. *wishful thinking to the max here*

sigh. reminds me of 'the bodyguard' whitney houston and kevin costner. don't make me close one more dooooooooor...i dont wanna hurt anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

why the hell am i so suay so as to have to perform in the stinking gym? blardy hell. well, at least i can have better contact with the audience. positive thinking will never desert this diva hopefully... and yeah nanthini...this song is for u.. :)

but what i really wanna do is this 'intimate' kinda concert where there's not much accompaniment. juz me and the microphone and people who appreciate my kind of music. i can just picture it...... man.. i'd die to be able to do that while i still can. and i'll have my guest appearances too of course.

i fell in love with you...before the second show..... dont you remember you told me loved me baby...you said you'll coming back this way again...baby baby baby baby ooohh baby i love you...i really do.



i'm in love with one last. anyone sing it to me i'll faint. n fall in love with that person. hafta admit i have an amazing weakness for guy with good voices. like last year i used to like ( here i emphasise like..i wasnt googoogaga over him) this guy who had a nice voice. i liked my ex-bf coz he could really sing. duh..my vocal coach wat. n his eyes...sigh. nvm. he's like..30 this year. heh. they weren't cute at all...but they juz managed to touch me coz they had this gift that i so wanted to perfect in myself... dunno whether u understand, but that's how it is.

but with my love, or ex-love, however you might see it, it's different. he couldnt sing (as far as i knew), i was a total wreck when he was around, but i dont know..he juz found his way into my heart i guess.. kinda left a permanent mark there too. when i was with him it wasnt like..oooooh i love you so much muah muah muah miss you kiss kiss love you kiss some more. for me at least, it was this quiet knowledge that just seeing this person makes you happy and at one point i just knew that i was in love with him. many people would never understand how it was so but it is true. some people would think maybe coz of the body or something but it wasnt. itz juz... HIM. when he toks crap, when he knows i never mean any hurtful thing i say, when he laughs, when he's being super sweet... it makes me feel warm and loved so i'm really blessed i had that experience, and hopefully someone will bring that joy again to me although who, when and how, i dont know. i'm juz waiting to see what the future has in store for me and hopefully the really painful moments that i had to undergo during that last relationship will be overshadowed... but the memories i will keep, because it was really a fun period of my life albeit painful because of all the obstacles that we eventually succumbed to.


we cannot turn back....we can only turn into one.

fourth february i think

today i finally went to school.... n i simply hafta write now although i have no idea what about. tomorrow there's a full dress rehearsal n now that i've stopped coughing for the fifteen minutes i'm going to delude myself into believing that i can get my voice back by tuesday... i've taken my throat for granted again. this warrants for doses of honey and warm water which i actually hate.


mak dara...ahaha...new nick for me by the lepak boys. itz freakin humid here coz i'm trying not to put the aircon on coz i dont want to sound like i've got a pumpkin up my nose. (ouch.)

i'm going to go sleep soon to preserve my voice for tomorrow. damn there goes the plans for the auditions. next week. still on the fence abt leaving though....... and right now, for a long time i feel single, truly single and to tell u the truth it isnt bad at all. maybe that's because i have a date soon. ahaha. tentative though.

already sleepy.. i've finished reading schindler's list but i still havent returned the book yet. lousy idiot. eh damn tired ah.. more next time. ciao. dont worry no more songs unless the situation calls for one. there's american idol tonight. might watch it if i'm still awake. ciao

dunno watz the date

have been in bed for the last couple of days. yesterday went to skool at ten coz i had to oversee the training n the rehearsal..ate only two spoonfuls of rice since two days ago. heikal thinks i lack vitamin c. i've got tonsilitis ( oh no!!!!!!!!!! cant sing!) and high fever.... which also means that i'm in a horrible mood so i apologise if i've yelled at ya.

90% sure that i'm dropping out. gg to retake my math n then do mass comm. gonna spend the year working. but its still tentative though. see how lah.

i look like i've been run over by a tank..... yucks. i wonder what the hell is his problem now.

haiyoh.. i cooked but now i dont feel like eating. feel like going to sleep for a long long long time.

performance on tues. shucks. hopefully i'm well by then. not hopefully, i MUSTTTTTTTT! fight phagocytes, fight!

sometimes i wonder if all the trouble i went thru was worth it considering how things are now between us. mcm nak tak nak je.

yawn. itz only 11.20 but i feel tired already. been awake for barely two hours.

look like we made it. look how far we've come my baby. we might've took the long way. we knew we'd get there someday. they said " i'll bet, they'll never make it." but just look at us holding on. we're still together still goin strong. u're still the one i run to. the one that i belong to. u're still the one i want for life.

first february

mrs koh called me this morning. she asked whether i had other plans.... i was thinking hell yeah..only if i had the courage and confidence to see it thru. actually i'm kinda tired from all this hypocrisy. so what if i'm smart... doesnt mean i hafta slog my whole life doing things i dont give a damn about... and the things i give a damn about, or people too, i dont have... i'm kinda muddle-headed now...starting to feel the effects of the medicine.

sometimes i wish people would just leave me alone. dont ever feel like going back to school. this saturday i'm going for the audition unless a better plan comes up. damn tired of this farcical lifestyle i have. i dont give a damn abt lit or hist like i used to anymore.

the only two things that i'm freakin sure of right now whether you like it or not is that i wanna sing and that i am still very much in love. even the details to those two i'm not very sure or proud of.

havent gone to skool this week. today i read my hist file at home, though my mind definitely wasnt registering anything. did the usual household stuff, washing the clothes, hanging them out to dry, washing the dishes, cook the rice, fry some stuff, sweep the floor..... may as well get married.

have a feeling this will be a sucky year for me. lotsa my tkg frens have dropped out of skool... n they're the smart ones. as in reaaaaaallly smart. sigggggggggggh.

got to thinking this funny thing the other day... u noe how mums sing to their babies right... well at least i wont be out of tune when my turn comes.... gawd how cheesy ayu!

love is a funny thing.

thirty-first january

i like this song and at the same time i dont.

one last - taufik batisah

never could imagine life without you
from the moment you walked into my world
never knew how long a loving flame could burn
but losing you has forced me to learn
that we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we juz let it go
so lets have
c/o
one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance
to out first song
while pretending there's nothing wrong
lets stay here for a while and
cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know
itz better if we juz let it go

everytime i try to take a stand at all
i see yor face again and i fall
in the middle of the night there's the scent of a rose
the smell of your perfume i suppose
but we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we juz let it go
so lets have

baby if we met each other under a different sky
maybe then things would be much better between u n i
we could always hold on to this one special thing we share
but it would be too much for us to bear

we both know
itz better if we juz let it go



how cowardly. or maybe i'm the one who's stubborn. bebeh said this should be my song.


today i was on mc. have tonsilitis. going to sleep soon. lepak wif arif, mul and suhuf again at tamp. tired. talking almost mono-syllabically. cannot sing. argh. doctor scold. damn. can i punch her face?
almost sleeping at pc. nobody online. bored. tmr skool. wed got prac. get baju. fri rehearsal. sat full-dress. tired. need cheering up. damn u.

went to bebeh's houz. acted like maniacs using remote controls as microphones and singing jiwang songs. listened to taufik's cd. ate kfc. ate antibiotics. drowsy like fuck now. yawn.


well nezz......happier times will come for all of us hopefully. i will always be here for ya...... juz call my name, and i'll be there :)

yadda yadda

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings,
but I know you are here with me now,
We'll make it through,
and I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away,
But I know that this much is true,
We'll make it through,
And I hope you are the one I share my life with,
And I wish that you could be the one I die with,
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with,
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it ,
I don't understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today,
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,
And though I can't be with you tonight,
You know my heart is by your side
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I dont understand,
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way I can stay in your arms?

daniel bedingfield's if u're not the one. suddenly i like this song. n there was this other post in frenster that was telling guys what they shld do... part of it said that they shd sing to their gals, no matter how bad they are......shhh...this works for me...... although i'll be a little critical, itz so bloody sweet i'll cair.....haha.

still the twenty-seventh lah

was at my frenster thingy den there was this posting which caught my attention.

If a gal cries in front of you,it means that she can't take it anymore.
If you took her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life.
If you let her go, she can't go back to being herself anymore.
A gal won't cry easily,except in front of the person whom she loves the most, she becomes weak.

A gal won't cry easily,only when she loves you the most,she'll put down her ego.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of you, please hold her hands firmly.
She's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of you, please don't give her up, maybe bcoz of your decision,you'll ruin her life.


i used to think this stuff was damn corny...but nowadays stuff like this do have a ring of truth to them for me. I used to be this damn hard nut to crack... My sister nana used to say i probably had no feelings coz i never ever cried whatever the situation and i was proud of it. but ever since i've fallen in love with ***** my life has totally changed. i remember talking abt this to aien (or siti to most). Like juz now, i was doing the twist in the corridor with my sis and laughing like a mad woman but when i came in, i took a look at my hp and read the message and suddenly i was a wreck, crying my eyeballs out. and oh yeah, once u tell a girl u love her, dont expect to be frens with her again..things will never be the same again for u. especially if she loved u. n still does.


and if she says she loves you, it means she's prepared to take whatever comes along. of course she'll cry, i myself dont know how to let it out other than cry or sing. and abt that statement abt giving her up, do it if u dont love her...but if u do love her n she loves u....... pls dont..dont destroy ur love.

twenty-seventh january

itz kinda funny sometimes when you think everything's over....then you realise that things have barely scratched the surface of what's to come. N sometimes u know that what you're doing is so wrong but somehow it feels like its the most right thing you've ever done. N falling in love is one of those things that come under that category. I'm not talking abt the repercussions here of course. Syaqir once told me not to let love be my weakness, let it only be my strength. Frankly speaking i'm a little confused about what's happening. But i guess the root of the matter was when people started to want to cook the broth too......

initially it was amusing but lately its making me hot and bothered. i thought the days when i'd cry myself to sleep were over but i guess i'm wrong. In the end i always blame it all on him. I dont usually mean it but it always happens. To tell you the truth i'm very tired from all this so two words to people who arent in this: BUZZ OFF! ( READ: THAT MEANS EVRYONE EXCEPT FOR ME N HIM)


I have practice over the weekend and the whole of next week. They told me i always look fierce.....what can i do? i look fierce and arrogant but i'm really this crazy nut who's juz passionate abt performing n doesnt want the team to be laughed at, that's all. Is that so wrong, for me to want us to look good on stage? I'm being lenient as it is, not asking them to sing one by one, not asking them to project their voices from one end of the outdoor court to the other...... But that's how i managed to get this good... ( which is still pathetic by my own standards) you reap what you sow. I'm not asking for perfection, though i'm a perfectionist when it comes to singing but i was hoping they would put in more effort. Why do something half-heartedly? I'd rather they scrap the whole thing. Ok, diva-esque attitude coming thru here but if u wanna put up a good show then u gotta work right? which is why i find hanging out with the year 3 guys so much more gerek these days.. they're frank and they wont bitch.Yesterday me, arif, mul, suhuf, n rajiv were lepaking at tampines after practice. thank gawd for suhuf and rajiv who came to my rescue by agreeing to join. muahahaha, they were asking me to go skool wif azar since we both stay in sengkang...ya right. we havent even talked b4. that will be the day when i date someone frm my campus...hehehe.i dont like the guys from my batch. they are too concerned with wantin to look cool n wouldnt be caught dead joining something like this. the yr 3 guys r much much more helpful in that sense. nice to tok to oso the fellas. they told me grandmother stories abt ppl in skool n stuf...n wat happened b4 i came in.... damn, nxt yr organising anything will be difficult when they leave. i used to think they were damn stuck up idiots. oops. sorry.


n abt endy, azmi n the rest....... the best thing for me to do is to ignore them right? how dumb but it did not occur to me.


kumasih jua seperti dulu
putaran waktu tak merubah hatiku
terhadapmu..........
sayang
sesungguhnya kutahu
bukan mudah bagimu
semua yang berlaku
akan mengujimu
mengujiku
apa terjadi
usah ragui
hati ini.....
Usah ragui........

doubting someone's love for u is a difficult phase, especially when the honeymoon period is over...some days u wake up n question is all this true or a horrible lie? so u ask ur other half again maybe for the hundredth time. the answer usually remains the same but u still wonder is that really the truth.. initially i'd just take it as it is but now that we've had some sobering experiences i tend to question more. and today i did something but i dunno whether it was the right thing to do or not. i should just involve myself more deeply in the performances and see whether the knots in my personal life will unravel themselves. as bebeh says, breathe in, breathe out. we've been thru worse.

quote given to me by bebeh, dunno where the hell she got it from though : " cinta itu bukan satu pertarungan, bukan sekadar angan-angan, bukan suatu mainan....ianya suci, jadi janganlah takut jatuh cinta.."

i think itz not takut jatuh cinta..more like takut that u'll fall out of love... so u hang on to what's left of it. right now i'm wondering what IS left, n whether there is any point in hanging on to our love or not. wateva it is..........

i love you. a thousand times over.

twenty-fifth january

argh.some people juz dont get it. he wanted to accompany me even though i said no. i mean, if i even knew how he looked like okay lah...but honestly i cant remember. he was so insistent..... i was thinking, come on, i'm not going to die in there. itz juz an eye infection, not like i was going to give birth to his child or something.

anyway, this song is damn catchy..although kinda vulgar.

lose my breath -DC

Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my ah ah
Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my breath
OohI put it right there, made it easy for you to get to
Now you wanna act like you don't know what to do
After I done done everything that you asked me
Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you
Moved so fast, baby now I can't find you
Ooh I'm startin' to believe that I'm way too much for you
All that talk but it seems like you can't come through
All them lines like you could satisfy me
Now I see where believing you got me
Gave you the wheel but you can't drive me

Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my ah ah
Can you keep up baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise
Make me lose my breath
Hit me hard
Make me lose my breath
Ooh
Two things I don't like when I'm trynna get my groove
Is a partner that meets me only halfway, and just can't prove
Take me out so deep when you know you can't swim
Need a lifeguard and I need protection
To put it on me deep in the right direction
Ooh You understand the facts that I'm trynna give to you
You movin' so slow like you just don't have a clue
Didn't momma teach you to give affection?
Learn the difference from a man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'

c/o

If you can't make me say ooh
Like the beat of this drum
Why you ask for some?
You ain't really want none
If you can't make me say ooh
Like the beat of this groove
You don't have no business in this
Here's your papers, baby you are dismissed

so two items again for me. but shiok. n today i was pleasantly surprised when mrs wee was sitting with the three mouseketeers (for the uninformed itz me amy n inez) she was like...r u the girl who sang during the concert laz yr..den i was like, ya.. den she was like o...i like!!! den she was clapping her hands and all.. made my day again... then amy told her i was gonna sing again soon den she asked if i was gonna sing in mandarin..alah, i dont have enuf time to learn one ah..anyway itz not a solo performance though i get to sing without any accompaniment for the first part..i have the dance n the rest of the dikir team to think about also. tmr practice, thurs practice, fri go get the baju, sat practice, sunday practice...get the point? yupz.. no life.

got to thinking that i'm a horrible spender. but for now i'm trying hard to keep in mind that my parents have to slog day in day out n that's what keeps me from becoming a devil. besides i dont like to spend other people's money either. if u've gone out with me u would know that.. i will feel so guilty.... i guess i hafta start working again soon coz i'm starting to feel devilish again. my mum said i'm very high maintenance so i shall work......... i dont even like spending her money... kesian lah. i'm a horrible spendthrift though... used to take taxis all the time. pemalas haram. ok potential husbands now can be seen running like mad away from me. ahaha. n about marriage, i dont intend to marry till i get my degree (provided i dont start singing pro before that) or till i turn 25, whichever comes first.... that's a good 7 years from now..... so i'm relaxing now though itz kinda amusing when relatives ask wen itz my turn. juz now there was this grp of small kids possibly not older than 14 since they were wearing shorts who approached me.. i laughed n said sori dek, i'm at least 4 yrs older than u... guess itz the trend for guys to go out with older women huh. ahahahahahaha. i dont care.


and iiiiiiiiii will always love uuuuuuuuuuu..haha.like tarzan. or jane. watever.

twenty-third january

aloooooooo..no school for me tomorrow because apparently i look like i have a balloon for a left eye... hmmmzzz.... on firday gotta go kampung melayu n look for the baju to wear on the eighth.... since they are paying i shall go all out n get the extravagant ones...but i swear i wont ever bow down to their wants and wear the cleopatra stuff...enuf alreadi... but i did look good actually...hehe..

my grandmother went mia today...so tmr if i have the guts to wear sunglasses frm morning to night i shall go on an espionage trip n run ard sg looking for her if she doesnt come home...nenek where r u!!!!!!!

ok this is getting lame... n kak lia yes yes i read ur comments....thank you... jgn kasi muke eh kak, nanti naik syiok pulak drg... when r we gonna have a girls' day out?? hafta admit we were quite mean to ju that day huh...

i still haven finished the preparations for the performance yet..but lotsa progress alreadi thank gawd... anyway, someone's ATTRACTED to me? now that's a first... thanks but no thanks....


ayu u r one boring blogger lah u... always telling some grandmother's story. ciao. more next time.

twenty-first january

slamat hari raye aidiladha.... am listening to perfect 10 den dis song from 98 degrees came on.. long time no hear...here it is:

98 Degrees - I Do (Cherish You)
All I am, All I'll be
everything in this world
All that I'll ever need is in your eyes shining at me
When you smile I can feel
all my passion unfolding
your hand brushes mine
and a thousand sensations seduce me
Cause I I do cherish you
for the rest of my life
you don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If your asking do I love you this much
I do
In my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
'Til that day I found you
How you opened my life to a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all my heart
'Til my dieing day
I do cherish you
for the rest of my life
you don't have to think twice
I will, love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this toyou
If your asking do I love you this much
I do



isnt she lovely.....isnt she wonderful...amrican idol makes me laugh my socks off man...at least the auditions..

n i'm realli becoming a super bitch.. i guess i shd juz go along wif it, i dowan to hurt their feelings. if they know the truth, i'm better off dead.

eighteenth january

today i've been a horrible person. i dont know y but i've been a bitch. i was cursing and ranting and raving coz i had to stay in school for like.. 3 4 hours waiting for one damn bloddy history class n it turned out the teacher had already left skool. she assigned us work but the lab wasnt even booked. stupid or stupid? but now i feel bad coz she's pregnant and all.. ayu you bitch.

but i've been a good friend too! inez kinda broke down in skool. i'm glad i was there. bof of us sat on the toilet floor n she cried it out. den i was like..ermmm..inez...this toilet stinks to high hell..everyone has some shit going on right how. pity her.. told her there's nothing she can do but to pray i guess n hope for the best. n we kissed in front of shameer. wakakaka... coz inez n me were arguing about lesbians wif shameer ( there's this newbie in skool and he was saying that moz likely she's les)and we needed to prove the point so we were like..juz because we hold hands and hug each other doesnt mean we're lesbians.. n juz because we kiss each other like dis doesnt mean we're les... n we kissed!!!! ok..i'm fond of reckless behaviour. so wat. anyway syaqir n me were also arguing abt relationship stuff. it got to the point where i was flinging cushions. READ: IN THE LIBRARY.

can i do the job? project director? i'm seriously very tired already. i have many plans lah, but if there's no solid back-up i can go on planning till i die but nothing's gonna happen right. i wanna screw the year ones upside down sia.... am i fierce???????? no wat!!!!! the practice sessions are so relaxed they still wanna pull out. they aint seen nothing yet man. if they see the trainings i used to have they'll pee in their skirts. btw............... there are no cute guys. period. or is it because i've become blind?

anyway........i am exhausted sia............went out wif bebeh juz now, we hung out n toked cock. she's still as crazy as ever. nv changed. lup u bebeh. tomorrow i hafta conduct another practice session. i hope i can still smile at the end of it. the year 3s r cooperative thank gawd. i want to quit skool sia n rot at home. history will be the death of me. thursday going sentosa. probably will bake in the sun.

this is my timetable. u juz see how fucking stupid it is:
mon: hist hist break break lit lit HTP break ML ML P.E P.E
tues: break break break GP GP break break break lit lit hist hist
wed: lit lit break break GP GP HTP
thurs: ML ML P.E break GP hist hist break
fri: break GP GP break MLA MLA

can u juz see how dumb it is? arsehole. n now it seems like the only subject i take is history. which i'm too shagged to go n read up for. sleepy like fuck now. but still gotta go do the mindmap shit so gawd help me!

my sister is one bloody fool. she threw away my spectacles. i was supposed to go send it for repair coz the screw came out but she threw the damn thing away. i want to skin her alive.

now that i think of it i was an utter bitch in 2004. n i dont think things r gonna change.. things happen for a reason. all i know is that i have always been truthful, at least in that aspect. n i guess i trust him. so letz leave it at that.


yawn. what the fuck am i saying? oh..right. history. damn.

sixteenth january

aloooo..today i'm feeling good. mainly because the gp project is over n done with, the oral presentation went well...i managed to make people laugh n i even got commended..hooray hooray. she said i'd scored very high points for confidence n coz i didnt depend on my notes. she said obviously i wasnt afraid of speaking to an audience. juz then mark showed that laz slide for the presentation. it read: ayu, the singer.

the class was laughing coz they know me..i'm crooning every single moment that i get a chance to. the other day i turned the com lab into a recording studio. people in class that i hardly tok to were like...wow. terence said i'd better join sg idol the next time round. then i was like...the a levels lah....then he was like...hu cares!!!!!! u'll do well in singing wat. u can always go back to ur studies later. make the big bucks first! i wish i had that kinda confidence. so really this blog n what i write abt my singing here is actually a booster for my confidence when it starts to get low. terence made my day when he said...join lah!!! then i can tell my frens...hey, i knew that girl...

although it was probably for selfish reasons, i hafta thank him..it was incredibly flattering to me n i got to thinking maybe i have more supporters than i think i do. i hate to let people down but i dont know...all the auditions i didnt turn up for, all the offers i turned down.......................

anyway anyway...cny i'm performing..one of my fav songs. i LIKE!!!!!!! hope it goes well.

this is one helluva song that i used to get fairuz to sing when he was stil in skool.

amazed-lonestar
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes
Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

I LIKE I LIKE I LIKE!!!!!!!!!

twelfth january

tried to get the tix for the match on sunday juz now, but didnt get them.... then when i got home my dad said i should have juz bought them, he'll reimburse me..haha....idiotic me.. coz initially i was kinda wavering on whether to buy or not coz i was afraid he'd not let me go....nvm, juz will go there on sunday n buy it direct if possible.... fuck, u know i havent eaten rice for a week... more like CANT actually...been sticking to like...finger food for the paz week. i noe i will drop dead before the week is over. but i puke everytime i eat rice.... inez said mebbe i have gastric flu or some shit like that. but i eat wat!!!!!!!!

okay someone juz pissed me off big-time the other day... some guy from wan's camp saw my pic on his hp... btw wan is this guy i hung out wif during the recent holidays.... he's a moron btw. u noe how some people are trigger-happy? well he's exactly like that, only his weapon of choice is his handphone. get the picture? (pun totally intended) so anyway, this guy asked for my number and because of the many many guys that i'm in contact wif, (READ: NONE!) i decided to be an angel and gave him my number. well i didnt. wan passed it to him. did i mention he is a moron?? it went ok at first, i juz went a long with it lah, until it got to a point when he asked me what i was currently doing. i told him i'm at m.i, bartley campus.... then the bastard asked me...sec brape?

so i got irritated and told him i was in sec 1. then he was like..haha...wan told me you were 18. (at this point, you are to ROLL YOUR EYES) so i was like hahahahahahahaha.. (That's SARCASTIC LAUGHTER for ya) well...almost. MAY SEVENTH btw people.... hint hint hint hint hint. anyway he asked what do i do specifically, then i told him, i'm doing my a levels. then this bastard totally pissed me off when he said WAH U'RE SMARTER THAN ME SIA. what the fuck. that guy is such an egotistical idiot..... i guess he expected me to be the kind that's barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. at that point, it was bye-bye. i'm sorry if i'm being sensitive, but it juz goes to show what he thinks of women.. so what's his point, that i hafta be dumb before he'd want to get to know me? eh come on lah, emancipation has already occured. wake up from your dream lah.


ok now i hafta go look for lyrics for some song...cny, i'm performing btw..but its still in the early stages so the details r not out yet...not a solo performance tho. n i'm gg to be in the exco????????? okayyyyyyyy..that's surprising.