terharuuuuuuuu

terharu betol gue..... tak dapat donate blood. haIZZZZzzz... blardy hell. i tot i'm above 45kg but i'm not. sedih betol. realli wanted to. so instead of donating right now am sitting in the com lab waiting for htp, which is a session with the trainers. boringgg beb.

watched take the lead oreadi. okla, nice sountrack. love it. but the story so-so je. still prefer dirty dancing.

nak tengok tristan n isolde la.

will hafta go to toh tuck this afternoon for a lecture on persuasion by sum nus lecturer. heard she's good. then out for makan with sum class peeps leaps tu balik membuta lagi lah jawabnye.

kena pegi xray ah. shit man.

nothing else to add, non-existent social life. except tt i find myself going to PS more often than town nowadays. not complaining la, balik pon senang.

need a fag.

unbelievable

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive,
I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have,
and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])

Now I see, what love means


song by craig david. someone is being an irritating idiot beside me mocking the lyrics to the song and saying that he wants to scratch his nose many times. frankly my friend, i do not care.

am not in love. just think that the song is beautiful.

eleventh

adek's bdae today. yest was dadi n ah boy..... had enuf of cake. have 3 free periods till lit so juz sitting ard in the library wasting time. have done most of my work thank gawd. tt's amazing yes.


will be going out next week. see, so pathetic ryt my social life. whole of this week will be a gd girl.


nothing to report realli. does nabil think i'm stupid?

sixth

having a bad day. nothing bad happened really, but itz juz one of those days where u juz wanna find a corner and hide while the rest of the world whizzes past u. itz one of the damn-u--r-so-blardy-stupid days again.

i'm guessing itz because of my lack of nicotine intake this week. i'm trying to make a conscious effort to keep it down but itz really hard.

anyway am sort of seeing someone again now but i dont have any feelings for him. nil. i feel bad coz i'm juz leading him on n all but at the same time i need somebody. but ya, like i said i dont feel anything for him. such a bitch i noe. i try not to reply n stuff wen he msges or pretend i'm sleeping wen he calls...... sigh itz so difficult having someone hu realli cares alot abt u when deep down u noe ur heart is with someone else.

but like i've said to some ppl, love doesnt realli matter to me now. there's so much for me to do and i dont think itz fair to hueva it is wen i've got so much on my mind. i'm just not ready for tt kidna commitment, i'm only 19 god noes how long more i will finally be satisfied with what i have. i've got to break the cycle. i've got to do this for myself, my future. altho i'm not sure if marriage or a long-term rship comes along with tt.


i used to be such an idealist, want to be a gd wife, get a gd husband, have kids be happy bla bla. tt doesnt seem real to me anymore wen i cant even see past the next wk. and the a levels. o gawd. now a whole different problem has cropped up academically. itz depressing to see the stupid mistakes i make. well at least itz only the common test. sigh.


i really regret what i did to nabil. but we were both too egotistical, to the extent that towards the end of our relationship, we would meet ( with the group present of course) and sit near each other, spend the whole night but not talk or look at each other. later i found out he was waiting for me to do something, and it was the same for me. the reluctance on both our parts to do something clearly showed tt the relationship wasnt strong enough. but i dont realli blame him. anyway he's young, probably with someone else right now n i wish him the best of luck. i realli treasure wat we had, he was very good to me. i miss him but itz a done deal n we're better off gg our separate ways.

anyway have a lot of free periods today. am positively exhausted.

twenty four

am having trouble sending the blardy pictures.

y y y y y y

lately have been surprised wif what sum ppl have said to me. kinda ridiculous the stuff that's gg on in their heads.

am now oficially a no-lifer. go to school, come home, sleep, wake up, do abit of work, sleep. next day, same routine.


think this cycle will continue till the end of the year. gawd hope not. yawn. have three free periods, having breakfast with koh. will probably puke it all out on her if she's not careful.

otherwise nothing much to report so signing out.

back

nothing to update reali. binan trip was tiring, was sick on the second night onwards so skipped the last day's activities and was asleep the whole day at the spa area.

not feeling 100 % fit yet, still coughing a little. as for my personal life, itz confusing. the more i try to make some sense out of it, the more blurry it becomes.

oh well. wait and see.

nine

panic panic panic........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... have been in my own world lately so feeling left out now tt fingers have been snapping me back to reality. like for example, the fact that i'm a horrible packer. a horrible last-minute packer... and itz even worse considering the fact tt i'd probably fall asleep almost as soon as i step into the houz tonight. ( note: end at 515 last 2 periods PE)

otherwise everyone is pretty hyped up. hope it wont be a disappointment. if u go with the right ppl even a trip to the loo will be fun. okay that seems so wrong. heh.


went out with pah yesterday, old fren of mine...since sec 1 ...she's still the same moronic bitch, still the same pah tt i love...things have not changed much..u noe, with sum ppl even if u dont see them for a pretty long time, once u meet everything falls in place nicely.... but others, if u see them everyday u have to really wring out words to say to them.

anyway met hanafi yesterday wen i was practically running ( without taped foot. ouch ) to the mrt station coz pah had been waiting for me.. then msged him at night..nice guy.

tmr morning will be lugging a huge bag to school... i will look ridiculous so gawd help me. sure gonna get sum stares.

anyway, will update more when i get back hopefully. ciao bebeh.

eight

hey....... wasup wif me? ans : nothing

have not done anythng spectacular or worth mentioning. juz being a gd girl being cooped up at home getting fat. think i might go shooping in the evening, need to get some essentials for the trip. i wonder watz the problem wif everyone. or izzit me?

oh wat the heck. dowan to be a people-pleaser when at the end of the day i'm not happy myself. i only have lessons for the first and last period so free now la. boring mcm ank tertdo kat sini. thinking of changing my number. maybe in june. and i need a new group of frens, think i need to start all over again. such a pity to have to do tt since the other guys r so nice, but because my ex is there i dont feel very comfortable. not my fault, i tried to tok but dunno wat he's so pissed abt. eh grow up la.

i'm taking things easy for now, no dating, juz spending time with myself and my family, catching up on sleep and actually i realised tt i'm happier now without the unnecessary realationship troubles. well not thinking of it for now la, but if it happens it happens...not on the rebound anyway, tt relationship was bound to fail, lots of reasons y and i dunno y i went ahead anyway.

hello world.

six

nothing much to update partly because i've been cooped up at home. spent the weekend cleaning up the houz, yesterday mopped rumah...jadi maid aku.

today supposed to go out wif bebeh, but stupid me, tak pernah free so i hope tmr's ok..... should be coz we're pushing up the lessons... got my foot taped. buat hal lagi la. could only manage abt 3 rounds, lepas tu da tak tahan. weak ah. nvm last yr lepas tu can be a fat slob. actually living up to tt even now. heh.

i'm actually happy now. happy being single and not being in contact wif a single guy...my life seems so simple and uncomplicated. of course it doesnt beat being in love but wen it starts to crumble.......... i dont miss tt at all.


going away on friday... hope it'll be fun. yawn.

three three

i think you dont understand. i dont think i shall force u to, someday u will understand y i did the things i did... anyway, this came up on frenster, tot i'd steal it. i've got my two cents' worth to say abt it so may as well put it here la. btw bebeh, be strong. i love you and you love me, we have each other for now.. n i think guys can go rot in hell for the moment.

A boy and a girl, the best of friends. From elementary to high school from beginning to end. Through all those years their friendship grew. They both felt the same, but neither knew. Each waking moment since the day they met. They both loved each other sunrise to sunset. He was all she had in her terrible life. He was the one who kept her from her knife. She was his angel, she made him smile. Though life threw him curves, she made it all worth while. Then one day things went terribly wrong. The next few weeks were like a very sad song. He made her jealous on purpose he tried. When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied. He played with jealousy like it was a game. Little did he know Things would never be the same. His plan was working but he had no clue. How wrong things would go, the damage he would do. One night she broke down, feeling very alone. Just her and the blade, no one else home. She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello" She told him she loved him and hung up the phone. He raced to her house just a minute too late. Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate. Beside her was a note, in it her confession. Her love for this boy, her only obsession. As he read the note, he knelt down and cried. Grabbed her knife, that night they both died. She was found in his arms, both of them dead. Under her note his handwriting said: "I loved her so, she never knew. All this time I loved her too."




guess there are lotsa differences between us... but seriously, nobody would want to take away their own life for the fun of it. i wouldnt. but i did try........ why?

it happened a long time ago, and again recently, involving different ppl( the bf obviously). after the first time, i thought to myself... NEVER AGAIN. it was hell being in hospital having those painful things stuck in ur veins and being woken up at 3 in the morning by policemen, eating charcoal..... the emotional scars are still there today. but it happened again, and this time it was much worse because i was ashamed of myself, i let myself be hurt, i gave my heart and let it be shredded to pieces again. n i loved him, at least it felt like love but now i'm not so sure anymore. but i'm sure about the first one. maybe i cant handle relationships very well...... idealistic someone used to say.

itz not that i dont care abt u...i care too much. i dont show it because i'm scared of getting hurt again but it happened anyway.

oh well. i'm not looking for love. just hope that the next one, whoeva he is wont let these things happen again... nabil i'm sorry i wasnt gd to u, thanks for everything. i know u're still mad.... i'm sorry i havent contacted u for a week but someday i hope u'll understand ayu. if i ever c u again.

black

oh well. what can i say. over.

s-i-n-g-l-e


kinda blank about it now but sometimes i find myself tearing up easily about the most trivial matters.

comes with the whole situation la, but still quite overwhelming, seems a a tornado just ran through my brain my heart my life and uncovered all these things, pain that i thought should have healed but i guess not. they're raw and bleeding again.


my bad probably. should not give my heart to anyone else for the time being. but who am i to say.

woooopsie

itz my fault.... i had him but i didnt appreciate him....n now he's almost gone. but i will do whatever i can to convince him i never intended to treat him or the relationship lightly... itz not that i dont care...i do, very much.. i juz didnt noe how to show it.



but now i do. if u'd give me another chance to prove it.

enough is enough

think that's enough songs for today.

to tell you the truth i'm a little overwhelmed by everything... they invited me to a gig today but dont think i can make it. sorry guys.

i wish i could say i'm very happy now but i'd be lying. things are a lot better now undeniably, but there are still some things bothering me. well, you cant please everyone *shrug*

my break is almost over. shall be getting money over the weekend hopefully. so on monday taklah kering sangat... dotn think i need to buy anything urgently so the money shall go towards spending time with baby while we can still meet up often.

he takes really good care of me, i'm amazed. i think coz i'm used to doing stuff on my own and not really bothering about myself, so it comes as a big surprise how concerned he is about me. the good thing about him is he knows when to be serious. but he cracks me up anyway. heh. there are still some issues that we need to work out but i dont know, i foresee this as a long-term comitment. itz still early but we're both working on our relationship. we've got major exams this year so we're taking things but i dont think that's a good reason to neglect each other.

what do i like about him.....

his smile
the way he kisses me
how he feels
how he tastes
his hugs
his humour
when he wipes my tears
balance between friends and me
selflessness
independent yet manja
honesty

and what i like is we're growing to love each other. no hurry, no rush, there's respect and communication is getting better everyday. just cut down on your smoking la dear. i'm trying too.

told ya i'm free...too free maybe

alahai...looking for songs that the guys keep singing...coz my brain is infested with those songs right now. shooo!!!!


RADJA - JUJUR

Duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
sedikit rasa yang bisa ku mengerti
bukan sumpah atau janji
buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
setulus hatimu bisa menerima
sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
bukan sekedar bersama

jujurlah padaku bila kau tak lagi cinta
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku
lupakanlah aku

jujurlah padaku
bila kau tak lagi suka
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku lupakanlah aku
selamanya


gawd help me.


i want to hold your hand - beatles

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my loveI can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide,
I can't hide,
I can't hide.
Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

yes darling i understand perfectly what you're saying. Now can you please stop dancing with the broom :)

i'm freeeeee

got nothing to do for the next two periods so i shall flood my blog with stupid entries.. bear with me. heh.

cake - i will survive

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you’d done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll be alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I’m trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I’m not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you’d just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me

and so now the new song is ( courtesy of my baby ) :

Radja - takkan melupakan mu

Oh terindah, lagu yg terindah

Sengaja aku cipta untukmu yg terindah

Semoga dapat meluluhkan segala keraguan

Semoga dapat menghancurkan kerasnya batu prasangka

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu,ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Rebahlah kau di pelukku

Lepaskan resahmu

Bebaskan jiwamu

Dari prasangka-prasangka burukmu

Dari kerasnya batu curiga

Aku takkan melupakanmu

Takkan meninggalkanmu

Takkan menduakan cintamu, ku bersumpah

Aku tak ingin mengingkar janji

Tak ingin menjadi duri

Tak ingin menjadi api cinta yg membara
Senyuman melati

Sambutlah mentari

Raihlah cintamu

Hari ini

weird stuff happening lately. nvm, nice and slow........

seventeenth

well... yesterday wasnt a good day for me. wasnt feeling well. still not reali very good now but much better than yesterday.

last night was okay, not much happening. think i'm meeting him again today, sooner or later just show to mami la, easy... so he doesnt hafta keep sitting at the void deck. heh. poor baby.

i noe wat ur weakness is!!!!!!!!!



anyway, i miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.


u better stop pinching me ah.

haus aku

so much has happened since i last posted an entry.... to keep u up-to-date on my life...welllllll if u're meant to know what recently happened u would have known la...


ala me damn worried now. hope u get better soon baby.... make sure u eat ur medicine.. should be taking care of urself instead about worrying abt me.

but i do appreciate everything u've done for me, i realli do.. kesian you jalan all the way back from pasir ris. tt's y i cried btw.. felt so guilty.. u batok darah lagi.


baby... i'm so thankful we found each other. i know there are lotsa differences between us and some ppl might think itz odd and repulsive, but i hope we can make it thru.

thank you for loving me dear. awwwww.... maybe today shall go to ur place to see how u are.

miss you laling.

u make me a very happy woman.

n i know u like being thirsty.

seven times darling.... tsk tsk tsk.



oh n i dont know
i dont know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster
and if i could hold on
thru the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster




aku tak akan meninggalkanmu
tak akan menduakan cintamu
ku bersumpah


last night i realised without really meaning to, i've become serious. abt u. abt us. i think i might love you too. when i think back, sometimes i feel like i really deserve someone like you, after all the crap tt's happened over the past few years. but sometimes i cant believe u're mine. but u are..... and i'm yours.

i'll always be your valentine, sweetheart.

blank

juz finished the cny celebrations so ya, bored and sleepy now. feel like gg out but dunno hu to ask. well actually there's someone i wanna go out with but after wat happened yesterday, dont feel like it anymore. not really anyone's fault la.

nothing much to write. yesterday cik mail meninggal so i didnt go to sch. right now i'm feeling detached from the world, from sch n everything....


hope we figure out something soon. things dont feel too good right now, doubt they'll get better. oh well.

waste of time

three words. i hate u.



that pretty much sums op my feelings for today, ladies and gentlemen. show's over. hope you had fun.

hyuk hyuk

well well well..... seems like i've gotten a new post today... anyways, not much today, escaped from doing a presentation...... but we end at 515.. argh.

am blanking out. maybe too much intellectual stimulation till i cant think of mundane stuff.. does that make sense? heh. helmy is late. betta get his butt down here soon.... i dont have much work today except for an sbq so thank gawd. working tmr. sigh.


how come when i really wanna write something only these kinda stuff appears?


realli hope my pc and braodband will be done soon.. but knowing my mom.... fat hope.

and then there were 2...or izzit 3????

hehehehe....decided to have a more laid-back atttitude this year..tt means no more being uptight n no more bothering abt whether ppl r gonna be pissed abt ayu buat ni, ayu buat tu..... cant please them all... i've only found that out at the grand age of 19. well soon la... thinking of doing sumtg this yr but my stingy mom wont sponsor it. sigh. see how la. anyway, she's paid the 700 bucks. phew. at least i dont hafta worry bout tt anymore. makes me age about oh... 5 years juz remembering it.

so now me must get job and work hard. for meself, if not anyone else. because me know deep down me is spoilt brat. o yes. and that spoilt brat is threatening to reemerge.

and me no longer have to hide me cigarettes and lighter because me mom knows. as in for sure. she cant put me in a girls' home unfortunately. itz legal. heh. but i shall be a 'respectful' girl and not do it where those eagle eyes are roaming. mouths...tsk tsk tsk.

macam mana masyarakat melayu nak maju kalau benda yang remeh-temeh dibesarkan, tapi benda yang berat yang berlaku depan mata kepala dorang dibiarkan?

i noe itz not nice for a girl to smoke. well change your mindset. just because i have a cigarette in my hand and i dont cover myself from head to toe, it doesnt mean i'm any worse than any of you. pokok pangkal diri sendiri, ada batasan lah to whatever i do.

so you mind yor limits too. coz i'm not the timid girl i was before. and i'm not stupid.


but yupz life is fine..glad that most issues have already been cleared up, i find it easier to wake up and face what's to come. so far in the past few weeks of sch, i've been absent once and late once. that's all. and the absence was really a genuine out-of-my-control thing whereas the latecoming was on the first day.. so far so good. let's hope nothing crops up and things stay as they are.


and certain people....well....sungguh mengecewakan. totally disappointing.

poooooopooooppppooot

hehehehehe. monkey business going on..

anyways, maybe i should explain the lack of updates lately... my pc is spoilt, so we terminated the dial-up shit.... so till it gets repaired and my mum gets broadband i'm afraid this will be as often as my updates get.


but honestly, wats there to update? nothing much happening except yesterday someone ruffled a few feathers. Mine. ewww....that seems so wrong.


other than that everything's fine, everyone seems to be dying from the workload that we've got. i'm sure the next 10 mths or so would fly by and the next thing i know i'm just a jobless person wondering in orchard rd fagging.


that seems like a nicer picture compared to what's currently happening right now. swaps anyone?????

and i dont like wateva's happening. i dont like it one bit. not because of the outcome, i mean that part is at least something i can live with...but itz just the hypocrisy and lying that's really a turn-off.


bottom life : i need to get a life

but then i hear it call my name

three free periods...two now coz i dont take econs and one later after gp i think... am aching all over from yesterday's torture session... but after tt it felt good i hafta admit.. except me and ain ( or siti ) looked a bit idiotic trying to look dignified while we walked down the steps like heavily pregnant women.. tt notti girl ended up not buying it. but i dont blame her...wonen, fickle-minded beings.. lol,. not tt i've never been tt before. anyways, nothing much happened lately, i'm starting to feel rather intelligent, and rightly too since i've got ard 10 months more before i face the devil. n no bebeh itz not u i'm toking abt..lol.. when r u gg to show me ur boyfren so i can give him my stamp of approval???????? i'm ur best fren u noe... hehe. nolah, u've got the thumbs up. u noe i dont like interfering in stuff like tt. i've got enough personal baggage to last a lifetime as it is.

promoted to vp this year. so far havent been doing anything tt needs some power-wielding coz there's been no news watsoeva. not really looking forward to activities. i'm just focusing on getting my ass out of this school with grades enough to get me somewhere. as for singing, as in properly...DONT TOK TO ME ABT IT. i've decided to shelf those tots till i'm REALI able to do so w/o having any guilt. wonder when tho.


i wanna see the raye pics. forgot to ask ana. hopefully ic an get some n then i can post it here. my camera is spoilt. blardy hell.

kla enough of blabbering. n let me tell u a secret........itz over. maybe itz betta tt way.

sorry hor

long time nv come here.... anyways...me at bebeh's place now... tmr there's sch!!!!!! argh..there goes my lounging ard at home doing nothing and getting fat days... sigh. but i guess at least now i'll be occupied with something la..so...yupz... nothing much to update realli so bubbye

weeeeee

i'm back after gawd noes how many eons..tmr is the last day of project work then i shall be free from all these bringers of misfortune and boredom...yux. did i say i was bored? dont reali wanna see ppl from sch any more than i hafta... dont ask me y because if u were supposed to noe u wld have already.

and as for my personal life...my lips are sealed....


cant believe i'm in sch during the hols. groan.

bored

i dont know how to define this but it is kept safely under wraps until it's safe to be told.

gawd, miss hanging out..havent been out at all since the promos started. oya wonder what arif wants to say to me. scary, he said he's holding it back coz he doesnt want it to affect my grades. shall ask him later.

fairytales..................beauty and the beast..hehe, remember doing tt song wif debz during the busking season wif debz and the seniors in tkgs a few yrs ago. then nuha did the balcony scene of romeo n juliet. itz a bit scary doing stuff in a girls' school but i still miss those days though.


i bump into my classmates once in awhile while i'm out but our worlds have totally changed, not much to say.

but my bebeh and me still keeping things up. duh, best frens mah. juz laz nyt i toked to her. havent seen her for a month. maybe next wk we can go break fast together and drive geylang while. ewwww. what a disgusting thought.


today shall be a fun day with lots of shopping i hope. retail therapy is GOOD.

cant believe i'm still in school. yux.

fairytale

i like fairytales. dont u?



"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
ou should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you






and itz also because of you that i now recognise true love, friendship. and i learnt that tongues wont stop yakking until their hearts do. and by then the pain, itz irreversible.

woitttt

aloo aloo... lame cek tak datang sini... hehe exams finally over, now on a brilliant saturday morning when i should spend the day luxuriating in bed or going out, i am slaving away at the computer doing the bloody project work stuff... going to geylang later, finally.

i am happy now. very very very happy. but im not getting my hopes up.


as for the exams, SIGH. i dont care what i get, as long as it gets me to yr 3 i'm awfully glad ( meaning i get to leave this darling school asap)

i feel bad eating at 1015. but cant help it lah, hungry. aku takleh puase la. so i'm hiding in a corner of the com lab now...just finished doing work and waiting for aisyah to get her things done then i'm off....

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooney. mad. haha. but i like it that way.


shite i'm losing it. but havent been this contented with life for a loooooooong time. raya pon da nak dekat. though i'm kinda blah about it, this year it will be different for me. a whole new meaning. yay.

i promise you wont regret it. one of the best things that's happened to me.



H-a-p-p-y. and no one's gonna take it away from me this time. no one is gonna deny me the one thing that i want.

cepatttt

i've got 5 min to do this so it has to be fast...anyway, itz bar's bdae today..happy bdae moo...you idiot. dont ask me y i call him tt..anyway me in the com lab now, takde melayu..... feel so refreshed..ain beside me keeps saying she smells nice ( coz we juz had a bath)

anyway...tmr and sat me gg out yippeeeeeeeeeeee.... ah ye abis promos hancur

lol. ciao

i work hard for the monehhhhh

beb, what to get for your bdae ah..... nvm dont tell me i shall figure out sumtg...what if i dont come on the 24th? :P

anyway...damn exam season sekarang..both me and my student. get it over and done with...man i'm famished.... eh girl, must i break an arm before i can see you? must get admitted to the hospital baru nampak batang hidung kau agaknya... anyway, come and stay over at my place on that day la.... hmmzzz...persuade ur dad...

aku mcm kemaruk gambar eh..haha. aku malas nak arrange lawa2 la.. tengok je eh. gambar ni latest, last mth. yg selenge kat atas tu da lame jugak.






so yupzz.... that's me and my younger sis on my bdae in may..i like the pic :)

i'm still alive

dont worry i'm still alive and snoring.... have been busy with dance and what-nots and now that i actually have time for other things, i find it kinda weird...used to the late nights i guess.... hmmmzz... now in sch waiting for the rest of the ml a peepz before i head over to the beach...

and i'm hungry.. sigh.


anyway my darling bebeh, i'm happy but i'm not gay aite... com'on admit it u're the one with a huge crush on me... ur boyfren is juz a sorry excuse to cover up..lol....

kidding la.

so yeah, anything juz pop a message here la though i doubt i'll answer anytime soon hehe.. but yes i'm very much alive... ciao.

BACK!!!!!!!

hey...cant stop my itchy fingers from writing...... anyway itz a real pity to give up on the blog, coz it is already more than a year old now.... nothing much happening lately, so there's nothing to report. pretty boring actually... but itz good to be back here... do message me here aite.

heh.heh.heh

i think my bro needs to visit the shrink..gawd. do you know where you're going to.. do you like the things that life has shown to you...where are you going to... do you know.... all i noe is that time will prove who is right and who's wrong. and with that, ladies and gentlemen, i end this blog. itz not worth pouring out my feelings here ( albeit somewhat subdued due to unwanted attention) and then being skewered for it. this is my place. i didnt ask you to come. so from now on, whatever i feel, my triumphs, my failures, will be for me and for me only to know. and of course for those fully deserving of being told. without me running the risk of being ridiculed. but i am fully happy in the sense that i know you will get your returns in due time. all of you. including you, you who i had never doubted for the longest time, n now i've come to realise that you'r no different from them. damn you, i trusted you. goodbye singing-freak. goodbye to you. i've given you one too many chances and instead you spat in my face. lidah tidak bertulang ucapan cinta menghiris kalbu kukan pergi...membawa diri cinta dihati terkubur lagi mungkin satu hari insya'allah dengan izin tuhan kau akan tahu juga apa yang aku lakukan untuk kau selama ini. dan kau akan menyesal. dan aku harap kau akan berubah. namun aku tetap berharap kau senang dan bahagia sekarang. jangan sesiakan orang yang kau sayang. peace be upon you.

101

itz abang norman's 25th birthday today....eeee so old ready lol. today i've been an absolutely angelic person and stayed at home. besides, the weather was fantastic for perpetual hibernators like me.... i've got one last paper on monday then itz back to the normal lessons...tedious work and what-nots. so hopefully tonight i'll get some revision done because knowing my family, we'd probably be out the whole weekend. yesterday, even though din's house is like four bus-stops away from mine, i took a cab home because i simply couldnt muster enough strength to take those two bloody buses home. so imagine my surprise (and anger) when the taxi driver took me on a nice long ride around punggol when i told him about a million and one times that i stayed in sengkang. the idiot kept on scolding me and said " tak tau balik, cakap tak tau balik la" then i said i do know how to get home but how the hell was i to direct him if he kept on going deeper into punggol? ingatkan aku takde keje kepe rounding punggol??? so ya, in the end he went to block 142 punggol. ya allah i got so pissed off i said uncle, this is still punggol. my house is at block 142 sengkang, all the way at the other end. then he stopped the cab and talked to another driver. in the end he told me to take the other guy's cab. and he asked me to pay the fare which gullible me, agreed to... when i was in the other guy's cab he said that i wasnt supposed to pay.... that bastard asked for duit minyak. so instead of paying ard 3 bucks i paid 7. i dont really mind as long as i reached hm safe la, tapi bingitttttttttttttnye. so yupz........................yesterday was indeed an eventful day.

mendaaaaaakkkkk

bored. juz came back awhile ago from gallivanting with one of my favourite people on earth and elsewhere. supposed to resume mugging mania but i'm more than willingly sacrificing a quarter of an hour or so to update this ol' blog of mine, speaking of which, itz been over a year since i've kept this one, which means i've blogged for around four years. what a mountain of crap i've accumulated. but itz kidna nice to look at the old entries and see what i had to say regarding certain issues. certainly amusing sometimes. which also reminds me that itz would also be a year soon, since i met someone. oh well. i'm sick of having to always be the one to initate things. i'm NOT talking about sexual issues here lol. but yeah, it really pisses me off that i always end up apologising for eveything. may as well apologise for my existence. which also brings to mind that a lot of people want me dead. oh well.. you cant please everyone. cant wait for the exams to be over. but i have to be responsible for danial and din then....haiz..great expectations. night all... heading back to the land of swimming words and beckoning sleep.

cleopatra tak menjadi..lol

for this, i have to blame ms lenny. although i made it clear that i wasnt to put on all this nonsensical garb, i still had to in the end... n forgot the lyrics. major mistake as a singer. i think this was over 2 yrs ago... sigh. anyway....not in school today because of certain stuff..first of all, i'm tired. secondly, i need to sort out certain stuff that will never be finished if my ass is in school. nothing to update actually...juz woke up. hungryyyyyyyyy.

back again

i havent been blogging for over a week....school juz started again and so far itz been ok i guess... went out till late late night then had to teach tuition today...tired. i'm in for a lot of work. nothing much to update. mostly mediocre stuff. so yupz............ feel like falling asleep again but my guilty conscience wont let me. oh well... n kak yana..few weeks to freedom. hold on!!! and bebeh.... i love you. CHIN UP! even though i should say the same for myself. i didnt intend to cry on thurs. it was so trivial actually. what's the saying again..the straw that broke the camel's back? yeah. it was a catalyst for the leaky faucet to start..i guess i've held of things inside n that was the breaking point. well like i've said before airmata itu penghapus dosa. satu hari nanti wateva u've done to me will be haunting you. that's why i'm not doing anything about it. life has itz own queer ways of retribution which i am quite in favour of, istead of self-prescribed justice. just you wait.

mari dangdut bang....

itz scary when i watch ahan dance sometimes... he's so good that he freaks me out. i miss the jantan and pompuan joget days... it was only a few weeks ago but seems like forever now. anyway this picture was taken by our official Joget Club photographer Siti there in the blue shirt.. the dance was hilarious like i've said before. now when i think back the practices were loads of fun too. i remember one day when we were trying out new moves to incorporate and such... i dunno what the hell we were doing before that but somehow i ended up on akbar's back. that idiot then suddenly walked over to the front of the stage and thereatened to drop me. picture this : this bugger standing at the edge of the stage, about 2 metres high, and me perched on his back, clinging on for dear life. i didnt dare open my eyes. i dont think i would have made it back in one piece if he did drop me and according to aisyah, it looked like he was going to. told you i have a love-hate relationship with him. but then again, let me reiterate that we are just frens. in fact if i ever end up with any of these two...oh nevermind. gawd no thank you. think things are excellent in their current status. do you have a calculator? lol.

kelakar lah you ni

think i've overused a particular word in my vocabulary. idiot. no matter what the occasion, that word always resurfaces. and it doesnt necessarily mean that itz an insult ya. so i guess you can be happy if i call you one. i'm not exactly very lavish with my compliments, especially when it comes to les hommes. but yes, my point is that i am a HUGE ONE.idiot, that is. and in this case i dont mean it in a flattering manner.let me enlighten you. as you might know, i've been mostly bedridden ( hell, memories of things stuck in my veins suddenly appear. and someone's face. shoo.) since sunday, after i've come home from the 'ton' ning session at east coast and a trip to town to see some booty-shakin'. that night i felt weird, had the feeling i was coming down with something. and yeah, remembering what happened the last time i was majorly sick ( earlier this year when i had a horrible horrible bout of food-poisoning) i decided not to take any chances and stopped eating everything within sight like i normally do. i even had the great PRESENCE OF MIND to treat it like a detox session. of course, knowing ayu, it had to go all wrong...you know when you're sick you should never deprive yourself of much-needed things ( like FOOD you dumbass) but yeah, clever me went to do just the opposite. had just a slice of bread each day since mon. the funny thing was i spent the last couple of days in bed worrying that it was another case of food-poisoning because my stomach was on the verge off putting up a sign saying " ENOUGH GARBAGE!" or so i thought....it really was saying " GET MORE FOOD IN HERE YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!" i was actually experiencing hunger pangs.

i feel good now... sambal goreng has never tasted better. yum yum.

a vision of love - that is all that you've given to me

mak...sakit

i am in excruciating pain right now. have been since sunday night. if i dont make it through, i want you to know that i love you very very very much baby. always have and always will. gawd. such a drama mama. but i am in pain. seriously. cant get out of bed except to drink some water and fall back on the bed in a drunken stupor and not see anything else exept the next sunrise. or sundown. and can you believe it, i'm actually craving for lj's now. alas, cant even make it to the kitchen without visualising an oasis there. which is, in fact, probably the water i spilled when it was making its way to my mouth. oopsie. giggle. ooookie..think i'm becoming an utter floozie. back to the bed. dont make me close one more doooooooooooooooooor i dont want to hurt anymore stay in my arms if you dare or must i imagine you there dont walk away from me dont walk away from me dont you dare walk away from me ( wow... becoming quite a threat here. protection order is on its way) i have nothing nothing nothing if i dont have you.................... i'm going nuts. rock a bye baby.....

nyeh

"airmata itu penghapus dosa" stupid me. was cooking something in the kitchen then while waiting for it to boil went to my room and read up a few more pages.... and almost forgot about it. home alone today, so am busying myself in the kitchen experimenting. been out a lot last 2 weeks, spent the night at east coast two days ago, then headed to town to watch my friend. so yupz...got a fever today and i deserve it. ok not much to say but i think my radar senses someone 'new'. poor adam. hate being pressurised into anything, especially relationships. yucks. am 'dating' my friends now. so much better. lol. yum.. the food cooking excellently. can smell it from my room. think i'll have a fag too. ciao.

psycho bitch aye......hahahahaha

come on lah ppl don make me laff u have nothing better to do other than trying to make other ppl miserable izzit..... thank gawd for the others.. i'm showing you hypocrites the door. get out of my life.. this door wont open for you again. well seems like everything i say is taken out of context...and hilariously what i DONT say also surfaces....now who's psycho. but yeah...i'm happy with the way things are now. not farcical or just a show... but something real. and i have him to thank for it. although for us things are gonna be quite difficult, at least itz betta knowing that everything, even the fights, are real and not just a figment of some poor soul's imagination. think i wanna go out today. weather looks sunny enough for a day out. plus i've earned it. and yes, think i am finally over that good-for-nothing. scram you bastard along with the rest of you. itz mutual now that we dont need each other so if you dont mind, the door is open wide. and please remember your manners and shut it behind you. if you have any, that is. lol. all this hurts for now but i know retribution is on the way. and karma...well what goes around comes around. you'll get your fair share, darlings. muacks.. hahahahahaha. wat a funny world we live in. so full of liars, cheats and suck-uppers. i'm not a saint, hell i have done a lot of wrongs...well, enough said. the surface....well u really hafta look deep nowadays. they can say whatever they want to say..try to bring me down...but i refuse to fall. patience has itz own rewards. i'll wait.

one day all this will be behind me and i can juz laugh at all this trivialities....because i know myself better. and i've learnt to respect myself too. so do take your knife from my back and wipe it clean. i dont want any stains on the carpet.

pyscho??? i'll give you psycho. lol. you dont know what YOU'RE talking about. in the meantime grow up and learn to respect yourself and others. learn how to love, unconditionally. learn to forgive. learn about loyalty. THEN you can come and talk to me.

peace be upon you.

ooooooooweeeeeeeee

oh yum baby..... gawd so much stuff happening this week.... kinda confused but i got what i asked for- more excitement... dunno what to think now so i shant speculate....the impossible has also happened... i have learnt the hard way and now whatever happens to me if itz personal i shall be a lot more selective in the people i tell it to...damn you big-mouths. went out the whole of this week..tmr shall head to the beach to pig out..u noe the drill... food food and more food. yesterday went swimming with akbar...damn hilarious i tell u.... next week i dont think i'll be able to go out much..i do have a pending lunch date but i dunno whether i want to or not.. i am NOT bragging here..i'm amused by this sudden surge of interest from men... but thank gawd this time i'm single..and yes more selective again...... juz told someone off last night. well i shall not dither around here and juz tell you that i am very very very happy today. didnt expect to have that kinda feeling again so soon... maybe i've been having it but realising that i do is another matter altogether.

itz not love though. definitely. not yet anyway.

shite

damn.... now i'm NEGOTIATING about a date.... alamak.. shite lah. should i go?????? argh. ok... think i'll go. but weird..i've never gone out on a date with a close friend before...gulp... not used to it.

well there's always a first time.....

was listening to my mc cd and fell in love with a new song now... again, i wonder y i didnt earlier.

love takes time - mariah carey

I had it all
But i let it slip away
Couldnt see that I treated you wrong
Now i wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone

c/o

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that i was blind
To let you go
I cant escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I dont wanna be here.... alone

Losing my mind
from this hollow in my heart
Suddenly i'm so incomplete
Lord I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly

c/o
You might say tt itz over
You might say tt you dont care
You might say you dont miss me
You dont need me
But i know tt you do and i feel tt you do...
Inside




nice..wonder if anyone thinks of me these days

nice line

" the greater the love, the greater the tragedy "

wee

ok so the show's over..but it was the most fun thing i've done in awhile... albeit the most cocked up but it was syiokkkkkkk. i bet i looked ridiculous with the arm bands at my elbows. and it was hilarious when the ping!ping! sounds broke my concentration on stage...but yeah..it was a cool performance. i was laughing the whole time. btw, the ping!ping! sounds are actually all our arm bands dropping onto the stage floor........


finally got to know them a whole better.. sitting at marina square on sat was nice...romantic even. hmmm...i should say itz a bit shocking and graphic what i've heard but now i'm all the wiser about the issue..and more open-minded. so yupz here i am with this cream on my face ( i dunno wat but it smells like calamine lotion to me) drinking milo and being bored.... but i guess i'm doing ok... occupied with stuff right now but my smoking has gotten worse... sigh... find myself buying pack after pack... but at least i'm not on reds anymore..but tobacco is still tobacco right...
i'm hungry.. actually i need a fag more but cant. damn. just now i had to lots to say but it has all gone kaput now. reading schindler's list for the second time.... cool stuff.


i dunno wat the hell is the problem with me and akbar............... arghhhhhh. we fight too much! the whole time we're out..and that's quite often, we're like shuddup lah... go away lah.. and i'm forever hitting him. yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? so damn irritating. bah. shall msg him later. how the hell did i become his dance partner and survive the whole thing? and how come at the end of the day, although we squabble like little kids A LOT, my head still lands on his shoulder? weird stuff i tell you...


fuck....the whole thing is starting again right under my nose... do i have the heart to wreck a happy family...MINE???? gawd i need help on this. immediate relief would be of course a fag. thank gawd for hueva first discovered the joy of tobacco.

and please stop having preconceived notions abt me..stop feeling sorry for me, stop thinking that you know how i feel because damnit u dont know me. and stay out of my business. all u bloody mothafuckas have done enough damage.


on a lighter note....... i've discovered a true friend. for now. as for love...who the hell is *****?????????????? huh????????

phuck you

sigh sigh sigh.... am so tired today.... ah boy has finally been circumsized.... but i cant see him yet coz i'm having my period. i dont see the connection there but then again... waddeheck... lotsa things dont make sense...like how i can go on and on and on loving someone although it doesnt make sense to me at all....

and it doesnt make sense what the hell u were trying to do... but dont you come to me saying.. oh i hope u're fine ( bcoz i'm not. i have a stiff neck from patting the baby to sleep and not having any myself and spending the whole night resting my head on my arm) and that u're in this and that and i read your blog everyday because u bloody bastard, i dont fucking care.... you have made my life hell when i clearly gave up so much for you but you never fucking appreciated me.

but who am i kidding. i still care about you no matter what. i still dont understand y now, so many months after all the shit started i still forgive your every wrong when knowing myself i'd usually have run far away by this time. and i dont understand y all this shit happened to me.


so yupz here i am typing away with a stiff neck and trying hard to make some sense out of my life. i dont regret what happened but it does leave a bitter taste in the mouth..
love...such a funny word.

LIARRRRRRRRRRRR

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him

I hate YOU.

damn mothafuckas. hypocrites.

alamak

oops..havent blogged for so long... dunno wat to say la these days...lack of happenings.... hmm..went to cut my hair yesterday and mah permed hers..then today i'm going with ain to go perm hers.... i think i should probably set up this service where i accompany lonely ladies to the salon... yeah right. and die of boredom there... dunno whether i wanna change my hair colour over the hols..cant really be bothered to keep changing it...

these days i dunno what to feel about most matters. i suppose the only thing i can do is wait and see. kinda exasperating how things are sometimes but i guess i hafta put up with it la. not much choice though if i had the chance i'd like to run away from it all and start anew where preconceived notions about me are not gonna take place. kinda makes me sick sometimes. i know i'm not a saint either but i know where to draw the line.

so yeah... hope for the best.

yesssss

hahahahahaha...so damn happy, the last night filled with paranoia about my supposedly missing PI, culminated in me finding that it was always there. and then this morning mrs koh said it was good. yay. worth my lack of sleep.

hmmm....dont have much to say these days, just been bz with schoolwork and stuff...... no social life, unfortunately.... met mamat coincidentally the other day when i was with bebeh at techno. i could have been abitch and totally embarrassed him by calling him and asking about him and his girlfriend. but of course i didnt. there have been so many instances when i could have embarrassed the hell out of people but i chose not to. what for, other than momentary glee i dont gain much else.

so yup.... gtg to toa payoh again today, hopefully it doesnt rain again. but i've finished my schoolwork, even malay so i'm kinda relaxed now. except for investiture. damn it.


yawn.

EIGHTEEN

Tomorrow morning at 6.20 am i shall be 18. as in told bebeh just now, doesnt make that much of a difference to me other than my being able to get fags a whole lot easier now.

anyway, HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!!! =)

one last cry

i think like this song, i've cried my last tears. but i dunno how things are going to work out between me n him because we are after all friends...but it cant be any worse than this right.

one last cry - brian mcknight

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry
Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lieI know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....
I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...

break

have two free periods now so godeh-ing the computer in the library as always.... hmmmm..he seems pissed with me..gulp. but then again it was my own doing so i apologise...really sorry dear. this isnt a good explanation but itz that time of the month.....sowieeeeee...as if u read my blog ah.. well soon enough la. when u're out of camp. the 13th i think. which means you cant celebrate my birthday with me....but u can call right..otherwise it'd juz totally suck man, mean, u not being able to leave camp this weekend of all days... bah.

by the way for the extremely uninformed, my birthday's this saturday.. which is the



7th of May. 7th of May. 7th of May. 7th of May.


but i'm not doing anything this year lah. so old already. Juz go out n eat with my family i guess. No clubbing, not into it. N honey, i'm so sorry u were denied the chance of hearing me sing. Next time i promise. Miss ya darling. Heh. N i've not met a sweeter guy than u in ages...really love the ermmm... innovative??? way u apologised to me. now, if only u'd look at me when we talk, that'd be perfect. hehe. hugs.


i'm toking absolute nonsense. hafta go over to toa payoh stadium today. i'm scared. but itz inevitable. thank gawd for you. u're a godsend. dont be angry with me anymore ok. miss ur nonsense. wanna talk to u too.

bah

back from school...damn tired la..... went to go check out some stuff at tm wif amy first.

well we've gone out... letz just say he didnt wreck it..though for the life of me i dont know why he was talking to himself all the time, cant even look at me....kinda weird, coz the last time i saw him he was this chirpy fellow then yesterday soooo ermmm...weird?

anyway...yesterday afternoon i was in town with amy then i was supposed to go meet him in pasir ris before he books in but somehow the plan changed and the sweet darling that i am ( although never appreciated) i went to bukit batok, near his place...took the car and rounding2 the area, went to the bukit gombak quarry thingy (it is a quarry right....?) and juz talk2 la. interesting, compared to watching movies all the time.... and he was a perfect gentleman. well cant say that i know him much but so far he's all right.... juz that i'm a bit irritated that the time i spent with him was equal to the time i took to reach home...but it was ok lah. though weird. did i mention weird?? i dunnolah, he was acting funny.... so stiff....sorry if it was my fault though :)

dunno whether i'm gonna see him again soon but yupz....nice guy.

fuYoO

wow. love this song, wonder how come i never heard it earlier....

Boyz II Men
Water Runs Dry

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus:
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby

Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
'Cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away

Chorus

Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus

Don't do it baby(2x's)

sad aye.... but i've learnt that maybe we weren't meant for each other. we should never have tried in the first place, i realise that now. but i'm thankful because it made me realise that i'm able to love, wholly and selflessly.

and now that i'm getting to know this 'new guy', i realise that by being stubborn and refusing to let go, i would have missed out on a chance to have a proper relationship with someone who has always been there, and will probably be able to give me what i want from a relationship. to know that i'm loved, that i'm the only one in his heart. no girl likes having to share. i never told ***** to break up with her because i already knew what the answer would be. even from the start. so yes, i wont forget that relationship, it has taught me a lot about love. and i hope the next one i embark on will not hurt me like that one did.

on a lighter note, we mutually decided to cancel today's date and meet on monday instead. kesianlah he just back from camp n my foot still hurts :( the bugger wants more time with me apparently. hehe. i actually feel so much happier these days. thank you darling.

sad life

seems like most of the time i spend in school is spent in the library nowadays. every week surely there has to be a teacher who's absent. supposed to be history now but we get to roam the kampung. then after that i've got ml a. bah. there's nothing much happening these days actually, just that yesterday i twisted my foot and itz aching now. damn. juz tot of wearing heels tmr, havent worn them for a long time. must settle for slippers then. bugger.

i'm damn tired, sent tiara off to school this morning. felt so much like a mother. awwwwww... okie my mind going blank la, this library's too crowded, cant get my thoughts sorted out.

foolish

like the song. nothing much these days, trying to clear my workload... well me and that guy..we're still talking on the phone and smsing. getting to know each other that's all. the last thing i need is to jump into another relationship.. i am tireeeeeeeed. came freakin' late to school today, was doing work at home. i juz realised i can get work done early in the morning too when itz all quiet. tot i could only do tt at night. well we learn something new everyday... going out during the weekend...havent been out for so long. i wonder how he looks like now..hehe. havent seen him for abt 4 months. well if he wrecks the date he wont ever see me again that's for sure. but somehow i think it will be gooood. notti notti. hey, give me a break lah. i havent really seen anyone for almost two years now and a girls's gotta have some fun right??? not counting the people i date on and off lah. heh.

my tagboard disappeared when i changed my template back to this one, sorry guys. i'll see what i can do abt it. this of course means i cant be bothered anymore. blearggggh. did i mention i'm tireeeeed?? oh gawd the school is sending me for a debate comp. and i hafta stay over at the campu from the 28th till the 2nd...i dowannnnnnn! got enough work on my hands already. maybe this is my own doing. next time they have debates i shall shut up and not comment on anything. be a bimbo. bimbos have it so much better than i do....sigh. damn tkgs for drilling debate stuff into my head. but then again teachers have this scary ability to tell who knows what the hell is going on and who doesnt. freaky.... i dowan toooo goooooooo.... someone please kidnap me then... an unwilling soul wont do justice to the debate let me tell u first. sigh. but dont think i can cabot lah. bugger.

my lit lesson's starting in 5 min... bah.

vell vell vell

yupz..... i am so very happy these days..... my life has never been more cheery than this.... all thanks to a new man in my life. i shall not reveal too much about him coz we're still like..frens and trying to see if things might work out between us but i feel like we do have something there. well he's a very sweet person, that's all i can say... and he shares the same sentiments that i do abt relationships....basically somebody i wouldnt mind being in a relationship with. how wemet and all is rather interesting but i will only talk abt it when things are more concrete between us. some of you already know of course.... thank gawd i found you baby.. =)

glooommmmyyy daaaay

sigh. feel horrible. stupid thing called love. sigh. sigh. sigh.

in love again

i am in love with this song from mario. r&b....fuyoo~ i like.

mario - how could you

oh oh... whoa no no no no
Said I'm lonesome Babe
[1st Verse] It's kinda crazy babe
How I remember things
Like where you came from
And how you had nothin I went and made you fly
Put extras on your ride
Didn't miss a birthday
Now you cant even remember mine
[You made it clear to me]
You wasnt down for me
[Love made me blind baby]
But now I see
[You had things up your sleeve Dont even lie to me]
I even heard it from your family
Chorus: How could you let somebody lay where I laid?
How could you give him everything that we made?
How could you call him all the names that you used to call me?
How could you,
How could you just forget about me?
How could you teach him all the things i taught you?
How could you put him up to the Ghetto Karmasutra?
How could you put me in the back and give him the front seat?
How could you,
How could you Just forget about me?...yeah
[Verse 2]
You must be out your mind
You got a lot of nerve [To think that im gon' chill after all the shit i heard]
I gently carried you
I could of married you
Good thing I found out
Before I brought that seven carat for ya
[I know your sick about]
The way I found you out
[Go head and pack it out]
I hope he's got room in his house
[You should of thought of me before you hopped in the sheets]
Damn i cant believe that you did this to me...Baby!
[chorus]
[Verse 3]
Girl I tried to give you everything
Cant believe the ways you repayed me
Girl you had it all
But I guess my all
Wasn't good enough for you
Baby i've accepted it
And I aint gon' trip
Girl i'm movin' on
Sometimes I cant help but think
That another man's gonna get the one I made for me
[Yeaaahhh ooohhh baby]
[chorus]
[verse 4]
How could you
How could you
Just go and lay there
How could you
How could you
Give him everything
How could you
How could you
Call him all names like that
How could you babe
How could you babe
How could you
How could you
Teach him everything
How could you
How could you
Out him to the ghetto Karmasutra
How could you
How could you...



rob thomas - lonely no more

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me
That you’ll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby
[chorus]
Well, I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore
Oh, oh, oh, ohOh, oh, oh, oh
Now it’s hard for me
When my heart’s still on the mend
Open up to me
Like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it’s harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Let me say anything just to get you back again
Why can’t we just try
[chorus]
I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore
Oh, oh, oh, ohOh, oh, oh...
What if I was good to you
What if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise
What if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life
To find some way to stand beside you
[chorus]



singing. the antidote for the hurt.

do you really love me?

another post from frenster thought that triggers my thoughts on well.....you. if you are in love or think that you are, then this should be interesting. my comments are in the brackets.
----- start of bulletin post
For all you people who say, "I love you" whenyou have no clue what love is exactly!!!Something to ponder upon...

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?? -It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her/him -It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off?? -It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want her because you know she's/he's there?? -It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you with her/him because it's whateveryone wants??It isn't love, it?s LOYALTY.

Are you with her because she/he kissed you, or held your hand?It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for her/him confessions of love,because you don't want to hurt her/him?It isn't love, it's PITY. (my comments : i dont need no fucking pity from any bugger. love me for me)

Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat??It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?It isn't love, it's a LIE. ( i agree. hell i think about a freakin' load of people. but it aint the same if it aint u )

Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?It isn't love, it's CHARITY. ( I wouldnt give up singing for the world. just tt i sing to a different crowd i guess, meaning just u. but if u love me for who i am, u wouldnt ask me to give it up)
=====================================

Does your heart ache and break when she's sad?Then it's LOVE. ( so dont u ever say again that it doesnt matter what u say or do. or that u dowan to drag me along with u. tt's dumb and u noe it. wateva happens i want to noe. even if i cant help u i'd still listen to what shit u're going thru)

Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?Then it's LOVE. ( like i said before, even if u think u can manage it on your own, not for a second am i satisfied. i always feel like i havent done enough)

Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?Then it's LOVE. (this needs no elaboration)

Do you stay because a blinding,incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him?Then it's LOVE. ( again another thing that needs no clarification because i dont understand why these things happen either. all i know is that they do)

Do you accept her/his faults because it's apart of who she/he is?Then it's LOVE. (sometimes i just want to bloody slap you. or i tell you u're stupid or a bastard. but itz you. and that's who i'm in love with, faults and all)

Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret??Then it's LOVE. (sure. many times i've thought....if only this...if only that. but at the end of the day you realise that only that person can make you whole)

Would you give her/him your heart, your life,your death??Then it's LOVE. ( u are my world. n you know about the death part.)

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so,why do we love? ( because it is the most basic thing for us; to crave for love. to madness???? maybe. but to noe that u're loved by someone is a feeling that surpasses everything else.)

Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self? Why?The answer is so simple cause it's...LOVE.It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.Pass this to all your friends so they don't make the same mistake with their LOVE LIVES!!I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past...Love hurts our feeling, but it's also the reason our soul heals...

-----end of bulletin post

what is life without love. what is love without sacrifices. who am i without you.

something i've thought abt

was looking thru my frenster stuff then found this particular bulletin post that mirrors my thoughts sometimes. it has always crossed my mind actually.


I knew from the beginning..
That you were just a flirt..
And yet I fell in love with you..
Knowing I'd be hurt...
I thought I could tie you down..
And make you love just one..
But how could I do something that no one else has ever done..
I'll know you never love me...
And I'm trying not to cry...
For I must find the strength somehow to kiss yourlips goodbye..



well what can i say.... been there done that got the t-shirt.

have u ever had to let someone go although that someone was your life?

and u let that person go; in your heart thinking that if you were meant to be, he will come back to you..........





mc - butterfly

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb
To overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined
I could keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart
Will lead you back to me
When you're ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt
From almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
(Fly to the sun)
If you should return to me
(I will know you were mine)
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
(Spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

for my bebeh

i was halfway thru writing an entry laz evening when my dad hollered so i logged off. without saving the entry. clever gegerl. anyways...itz a straight 4 free periods today..havent got much to do since i've done my work over the weekend. hooray2.

so yupz..wanted to write a tribute to my bebeh. not like she's dead but muz u wait until u lose someone b4 u'd tell her that you love her? hint hint. this best friend of mine..well i can count on her to tell me how she feels, and it's the same for me and we dont judge each other...the good thing i like abt her is she never fails to make me laugh. she's been with me thru thick and thin, we've laughed, cried, done everything together as girlfriends. lepaking at ur house has got to be the most favourite thing to do for me these days. i wont forget that particular day when i was on mc and i bought u breakfast and came knocking on ur door at 9...u were groggy, n NOT HAD UR BATH. we watched sepet, and yes it is a gd movie.... although i didnt think he was cute at all bebeh..sorry bout that. but the storyline was sooooo sweeeeeeeet...especially in the taxi when she called him... and i like her parents..hehe. i remember u screaming that u wanted to get a ceena boyfren and i wanted to get married..hehe.. u cried while watching n i was thinking...fuck, dont cry... my hand was trembling as i reached for my cigarettes i tell u...sooooo sad. but yeah...sitting in the living room, eating, smoking and screaming.... those precious moments are what every girl would want to keep with her for the rest of her life. and when we were in school together... damn crappy huh? in the bus, we would sit on the upper deck and i would sing n u'd be my back-up singer.... yes he was singing my life...two time two time... those were the days.... but i guess our frendship has matured in the sense that we both have had to deal with difficult issues..but the most heart-warming thing is you were there the whole time. u told me what i did was stupid, but u did not question my feelings towards that someone. you tried to understand the situation and u never judged us. in fact i tell u now that u were the one who made me realise what my true feelings were. u made things brighter when we meet after a particularly trying day. if u were a guy i would have fallen for u but no darling...u noe perfectly well i am one straight woman so too bad huh... haha.


and yes, next time u neet iman and ijat tell them i DO NOT wear straps. hah. if u cant, punch them too.


you look exactly like what a best friend should look like. we never had an argument before, not even a tiny one. i guess we both realise that our friendship is too much of a precious thing to waste it on unnecessary stuff. so yupzzzzzzz...... thank you for always being there for me.. for believing in me and never doubting my intentions. muacks...... i love you to bits.

* kosong, kosong, kosong still kosong what!!!!*

laparrrrrrrrr.

i'm hungry!!!!!!!! i havent had anything yet..of course lah. itz only like 10.3o...? heh. yesterday i ate like a pig. was ah boy/mamat/muhammad saifuddin/ my annoying brother's birthday...and my dad's. so yupz..ate cake which wasnt chilled..wanted to puke i tell u.. my mum NEVER listens to me. and lotsa other stuff. but havent had rice for the past 4 days. siao.

anyway..am in the library now. have 7 free periods. abd we end at 5.15. bloody nonsensical timetable. i DEMAND a new one to be drawn up immediately. if i came across as spoilt to u, that's because i am. not by my family certainly, but my frens know how manja i am.. lolx. akbar says i wouldnt eat unless you feed me.. really that bad ah? lol...

another earthquake last evening off sumatra, padang that area i think. but i'm going there in december so i'm praying hard nothing happens anymore, or while i'm there. i plan to do something sweet on thursday..hehe. but it depends on whether i can squeeze some time off my hectic schedule. cheh..like some diva liddat ah. hmmm....didnt get to go to the gig yesterday..damn. they had to ask yesterday of all days.nvm will meet up with them next wk or something. my pc at home is going bonkers. i seriously need to sort out my thought process. i can ramble on and on till the moon turns purple.

okie dokie got nothing to say so shall end it here. more next time. hasta la vista....bebeh.

orh yes reminder for me to write abt bebeh the next time round :)