30th november - post written 12.39pm

so it's been a while since I last wrote. I noe it's pretty silly to filter your own blog but reading my past year's ramblings really was driving me quite mad. So, updates, updates. Life has been pretty much kind to me nowadays, keeping busy with work and friends and the like. I dare not immerse myself into anything right now although as I say this I noe it's a blatant lie because there's you now.

Yes, this time it's different.

20 days since we officially became 'us'. So far, you've been really good to me. There are times when I question myself, whether I deserve you and this. My friends say that Ive suffered so much, that it's time I enjoy being loved. My friends are too kind. I know i'm not such a good person, that some of the things that happened to me, I had them coming. It's still very much a push-pull kinda reaction when it comes to you. too good to be true, and too good to let you go. I'm learning to accept the fact that you're here to stay. By now u would have known that I'm in love with you.

So fast? How do you quantify these kind of things? how do you quantify feelings? All I know is that he makes me happy, and I want to see him happy. No need for any more tears.


I cant say I dont have expectations. I think after all we've been through in our separate lives, there has to be expectations. Especially when you intend to spend your whole lives with each other. I think it's important that we learn to meet each other halfway though. I have got to be more patient, and keep reminding myself he's not like them. Bear with me please love through this.

I love the little things you do. These things are the ones that will make me stay in love with you over the years... Dont ever change.

That said, it really is quite early too say too much. I hope we keep our promise to each other to ride out whatever comes our way and to make sure we stay strong together.


I thank God that I have you and I realise now why I had to wait thru all the crap. Without that, I wouldnt be able to appreciate your presence. So I thank Allah for sending you to me, and I pray I will always deserve you and make you happy.


Looking forward to many more days of laughter and love with you.

go to hell - post written 11.40pm

GO TO HELL. I HATE YOU. BYE FUCKER.

just another arsehole. i knew it.

7th oct - post written 10.46pm

feeling relieved after settling the monthly responsibilities... i'm quite tired and sleepy now. that's another relief as well. gawd noes how much i badly need my rest. i look like a panda-whale hybrid.

so anyways, i couldnt go beyond 3 days without you. such a weakling i noe. my heart jumps everytime i see your name. i feel like a teenage girl again, although it's probably not reciprocated. i noe what charlie brown says about peanut butter and unrequited love. hahahah.

nowhere near love la. it's more like affection and potential.

22 more days. good night.

questions and answers - post written 8.39pm

God is being kind to me. All the questions have been answered just by one text. I really should have known better. I mean, what were the chances?

Goodbye, you.

6th october - post written 8.01pm

3rd day without you. I am aching to text you. But i'm not what you need, and besides I want you to do something about us if you feel the same.

So anyways, it's been work and home. i even slept at 8pm yesterday. it keeps me from thinking about you. today i got scratched by one of my boys again as I tried to break up the fight. occupational hazard. after it was over i thought, wat wldnt i give to be able to text you and complain.

but i have to be strong because I cant afford to be disappointed again.

i miss you.

5th october - post written 7.20pm

mummy went to see her specialist again today coz she couldnt bear the pain. doc says it's fine. if it's fine then how come she's in pain?

this is day 2 without you. i need you. when i'm angry, or i'm sad. especially when i'm happy. but i will not be selfish.

i miss you.

ache - post written 9.27pm

Day 1 without you.

i cant let myself fall if I'm not sure if u'll catch me. earlier today as my kids slept i wondered if it was possible to erase u. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-ish. because u wont miss what u never had.

i have to do this because i dont know what else to do.

post written 8.04pm

i dont really have anything much to say. quite exhausted. and when i sleep, i have nightmares nowadays.

promises never last forever - post written 11.46am

am half-dressed as i write this but it's on my mind so it's gotta come out. i've set my mind on this and i hope i can carry it out. i'm shutting up. i'm gonna disappear and back off.

it's not that i dont like him but promises dont last forever and i dont want my heart to be broken again. i'm already in a bit too deep at the moment, it's quite hard to stay away. i havent met such a lovable person ever since i broke up. if we're meant to be, you will find a way. i noe. otherwise then just let it end here before the misery multiplies.

i'll miss you.

right guy, wrong time - written 1.01am

a real lightbulb-flashing moment for me. this was so so right but there was an element missing, something that just didnt fit.

i just trust him. it was instinctive. it's only that it cant happen. Maybe we need a much longer time, i dont really know. perhaps he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him. could be too. i'm not supposed to be thinking about this either.

so i've decided to step back. i'm going to shut up. if i mean anything to him then he will have to come find me. it's not that difficult. if he doesnt... then that's that. pretty clear.

24 oct - post written 12.10am

sesungguhnya aku tgh grumpy ni. not pms. i really shouldnt let people affect me like this but that's just how i am. abis bingit sendiri. bodoh kan ayu.

work tomorrow. i'm grateful coz when i'm free i tend to overthink things and end up being worked up. id rather exhaust myself at work, go home, eat sleep.. at least until the situation changes.

now shidah says dont look forward to the trip too much just in case anything unexpected happens. i thought about tt and it brought my mood to a new low. so wat the hell am i supposed to be looking forward to then?

things i miss - 2.47pm

Writing's one of the things that's like pringles. once you pop, you cant stop. once u start writing and u feel the cartharsis, you'll want it again and again. a release. pouring out what's been congealed in your mind. Of course, you write sometimes with an intended reader in mind, but it's just nice to let the words flow from brain, heart and out your fingers.

so hari tu masa berbual dgn shidah, tgh syiok2 duduk kat fountain suntec topik pasal rindu pon terkeluar. maklumla kalau da duduk dgn members yang paham keadaan kita, benda2 yang selalunya kita simpan dalam hati semua terburai jugak. tapi rindu yang kita bincang ni bukanla rindu pada seseorang individu...


things i miss. that's what we shared with each other. just gonna list down mine..


- riding at night
- sitting at parks, enjoying the silence
- being fed
- kisses
- being picked up after work
- feeling butterflies in the stomach
- piggybacks
- massages
- random texts that make you grin
- love letters. handwritten
- movie marathons
- sending surprise lunches/dinners
- borrowing clothing items that smell of someone
- sitting on laps
- feeling vulnerable yet protected at the same time
- waking up raring to go because it's another day with so-and-so
- their warmth
- feeling when you see them smile and you know it's because of u
- feeling protective of them even though they're much bigger
- inside jokes
- planning special occasions
- how sad u are when the date ends and he has to leave
- being sent to the doorstep

ok i got distracted. as i was writing this my brother came and bit my finger. wth.

3rd oct - post written 1.09pm

i've deleted more than a yr's worth of writing...anyway its juz a whole lot of whining, i cringe reading it myself.

woke up today with the sore throat totally gone. so yay to that. had only four hours of sleep though, finally dozed off at 8plus this morning. if i sleep any longer i'd sleep at an obsccene hour later.

it's almost monday again. 26 more days to go before i fly off. Its a much needed break from everything. pretty sure i'd feel like never coming home. a respite from being an employee, a sister,a friend... lettng loose and simply being 23. Shidah's really excited, she's reading up and all. I'll leave that to her, I kinda relish the hint of spontaneity in the trip.

The last time i met shidah we had a good long conversation about our past. it made me think. like how if i hadnt waited and had been a tad more selfish i'd probably have my degree in something or other. but things are this way for a reason. we thought back to the times when everything was perfect for us, when we took things for granted before it crashed into a million pieces right before our eyes. We both admitted we were probably quite horrible people, certainly our exes weren't totally at fault. hell, we both have pretty strong characters and are quite opinionated. on hindsight, i wasnt ready to get married at 19 when he proposed. shidah and me, the last few years really made us grow up really fast. for me personally, with what was going on at home then and even now, i got shaped pretty fast and i knew what i could tolerate and what i couldnt. dishonesty clearly not.

so anyways, ya, we'r both really psyched about the trip simply because we are in need of an escape. a timely one too. i'm not sure what my emotional state will be then, what would have become of u. so irregardless, it's a more than welcome change.

Shidah asked me a very good question as we were walking about at Suntec on Friday - what can you do and what cant you do? What are you scared of? I can swim, but i cant get into swimming pools or the sea. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of drains. I'm scared of alarm clocks and mobiles. I cant cycle. I know shidah cant either. haha! I'm scared of animals. But not cockroaches. My answers will probably evoke laughter or slaps on foreheads, but ya, this is me. lol. The list is probably much longer but off the top of my head, this seems to be it.

Lately, besides yearning to write (ive always done exceptionally well in languages esp english but i am absolutely horrible at math! 1 of 2 students in tkg who failed ELEMENTARY math. terok!) I've been lamenting about the days when i used to sing. Very long ago, but they were good days. One of the few things I feel that I'm really good at. I think I just have a feel for it. haha. obviously, being such an emotional person.

i'm trying to slim down again. ive put on weight since i started working, am about 46-47 now. i wanna get back down to 45 by the end of the month coz i'm sure i'm gonna put on weifght while abroad. i've been smoking very little these days due to my job and also trying to take a little more care of myself. so the appetite's been better. need to watch the scales, cant afford to balloon up like a whale again. i dont have the luxury of a crazily high metabolic rate like i did in my teens. the things i take for granted :)

i need to get a few good books into my system soon. i'm really restless when i'm at home and books settle me down. escapism at its finest.

3rd oct - original post written 345am

I accidentally deleted the freaking long post i just wrote while cleaning up the blog. so i decided to stop the cleaning. for those who kindly read this entry, dont bother beyond this one. You'll need a barf bag, I guarantee.


So updates. Family first. ah boy is a growing, annoying boy of 14. mira has just started down the road of relationships. it's making me worried but i know she's got to make her own mistakes. adek, same old, stil with zakaria. working at a childcare centre. daddy, no change. mummy is the one that worries me most. she's having her op on the 20th 8am. Hopefully her stomach troubles will be over after that. Insya'Allah. I'm flying off at the end of the month.

After a long hiatus of 10 mths, I finally got my lazy ass back to work again in June. Hurray, hurray. It doesnt pay anywhere near what i used to get, but at least i'm occupied, i'm being useful (read: tak setakat habiskan beras kat rumah aje!) and I'm not getting into sticky situations anymore. Surely, that counts for something, ya?

Friends tell me I should go out and date again. It's not that I dont want to. But it's not really that simple. I'm not really at the stage where I just wanna have fun anymore. Sometimes when I walk around, I see couples smiling, joking, just enjoying each other's company, and I remember. I remember how Ayi and I used to be. early 06- oct 08. we went thru so much together. I also remember how badly I used to be beaten by him. I remember him saying, " tak B, kita tak tinggalkan awak. Kita sayang awak k." I remember how i stayed even though it was so painful. Eventually he was the one who left. He's now married to someone else. He used to say I saved his life. I remember.


In 09, it was armin. I remember how he cried and promised me he would stay with me. But he betrayed me. again and again. I remember.


I remember the times when it was so bad I was tempted to do something drastic. I remember the times thinking, why me? I remember asking God to take away my misery. When you cannot forget these things, how can you even think of loving again? So I didnt. I became what I told myself i would never become. Shameful. It took a big slap, something colossal to snap me out of my drunken haze. So it has been 3 months without any men at all. The past month or so I didnt even meet any guy friends. So how?


By making new memories. Keeping only friends ones who are sincere. Wounds heal, pain diminishes. It's about choices. You meet someone. The person stirs up feelings in you that you thought were dead. So do you run away? or do you give it a chance?


I worry if my past is too much to take. As for me, it doesnt take much. I'm not the high-maintenance, flowers and flashy stuff kinda girl. It's about the little things. A kiss on the forehead. A hug. A listening ear. Yeah, the little things. Somehow be proud of me.

I've met someone special. I see myself in him. You dont know, but I think ure special. And I'll tell you that everyday for the rest of my life if you'll let me.

Rain started halfway thru this entry.

Good morning.

I LOVE YOU

stumbled upon this song while watching music videos on youtube earlier. used to like it. still do, i guess.

I must be crazy now
Maybe I think too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch
To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

I wish i could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move
When you looked in my eyes
Coz by now I know that u'd feel the way that I do
N i'd whisper these words as u'd lie here by my side

I love you
Please say u love me too
These 3 words
They could change our lives forever
N i promise you that we wld always be together
Till the end of time....

So today I finally find
The courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body cant move
When I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before

Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart

It said..

(Chorus)

And maybe I
Maybe you
U need somebody just to hold u

If you do, just reach out and i'll be there....



indeed. for the right person.