tulis lagi

have a couple of free periods before p.e so here i am writing my usual rubbish... yesterday had a really good talk with b... tears flowed but at the end of it all i think we both gained something, a lot of things now tt we hafta really think about... clearly the road has never been smooth but effective communication does help alot, especiallty when it comes to touchy issues and painful things... arghhhh... they're stealing the comp must go now

teringat

i told b i would write something abotu last weekend so i will do it now.....



laz weekend i was with b at bedok reservoir.... were both juz spending quality time with each other when something happened, shall not say what but it shocked me to tears.... rather deja vu-ish really.... so yes, i started crying then b was like

b, pls dont cry...i cant c u like this... i dont want to see you cry. kite tak terbayar airmata awak... (i actually had the cheek to retort kite tk suruh awak bayar pon! while crying)

then he hugged me from behind..... after tt he kneeled in front of me n asked for my forgiveness. b kate kalau kite tk nk maafkan pon takpe asalkan i stop crying...i started crying even more actually.... then he hugged me again and after awhile i realised he was crying too.... he told me his feelings and i was incredibly touched... so yup, i stopped crossing my arms, touched his face and the rest is history.


i realised i had feelings for him then.

:)

hey.... this is a rare oppurtunity to update my blog... dont have much to say realli, except tt i was at ecp with b again last night. yest was a damn bad day for both of us, we both got hurt saying mean things to each other....

and i couldnt receive his usual calls in the morning when he wakes up coz my batt is flat.... still is right now so when i get back i suppose there'll be a flood of messages from him. i am quite contrite right now, i did say some stupid things, i usually do in a fit of anger...but b u hurt me too.


wateva it is i hope all is forgiven, takde lautan yang tak bergolora kan b.... this should juz be a painful but good reminder for us to keep our rship strong.....



i miss u b...... i'm sorry u had to rush back from work to meet me then have the night end with hurt and anger.... i'm thankful tt u were honest abt ur feelings, i'm grateful tt u are what u are..... i dont need to find a better looking or richer guy, he mght not be able to make me as happy as u can. today i shall aim to be a better person for u n me.



ok...should stop all this mushiness..... cant help it la. yesterday was a bad bad day.. sigh. we need to really be in tune with each other's feelings i guess.



have school till 430, itz only abt 12+ now and i'm dying. i miss my b, despite all the fights and tears.... insya'allah kite ade jodoh eh b. :)

wah dah lawa seeeeeehhhhhhh

haha... have not been able to get anything up on my blog for some time...quite a big lapse i think.... well nothing much happening la, juz spent my days with my b.... though itz difficult with the totally effed up schedules tt we both have. cant wait to start working, independence shall be mine then.....

where have i been with baby lately.... hmmmm... there was one funny weekend where we went to these places in abt 30 hrs... yup, stinko us tak mandi semalaman.... haha. we went mount faber (twice), ecp, bugis, town, mustaffa centre (twice), gateway building to rectify some problems hehe, i think i missed out some more... all said and done, it was gerek..

and abt 2 nights ago went to night safari with him...b, i do not appreciate u laughing at me. bats r NOT anything remotely funny. so wat if they've got superb senses and wont go banging into me???


anyway, cant meet up much anymore coz of him doing a lot of ot and me being more-or-less grounded. i quite deserve it la actually. havent been home till after midnight for many many days.... thank gawd b has a bike or we'll die from taxi-fare syndrome.


anyway i miss my bebeh...beb, we should meet up soon....


other than that i am a happy woman. itz amazing the things that happen when u least expect them....

so.....

shall i give the full story..... well i dont think so la. shd like it to be our little secret.


well anyway really am feeling good lately. seems like all that waiting really paid off.


i saw the school counsellor juz now when i went to pick up his call during gp.... brought back memories... but itz over n done and i'm looking forward to better days.


so anyway had a good time yesterday, havent felt like that for a long time..... :)


you cant read this but i miss you..... waiting for your kol....ok i'm quite mushy now. cant help it la. but gain this doesnt feel like the heady cloud-nine feeling but a more firm, rooted feeling. not love yet definitely but the more i look at his face the more rase sayang timbul kat hati.


i'll try.




itz a bit tough to be starting from scratch all over again but i find myself relishing every moment, perhaps at the end of this we'll emerge better people. i'll do wat i can to make this work babe i promise. we'll both do our parts... right now i noe there's a rough patch but like u said, ultimately kite yg menentukan whether this works or not. kite mintak maaf kalau kadang2 kite perangai sikit...... sorila wak, awak tau kan kite tk pernah ade niat nk burukkan keadaan. i'll c u as soon as i can.


i tau sayang, u keep saying yang sudah tu sudah..... :) yang pentingnye we've got each other to spend our days with right now.. nantilah u, sabar n i'll introduce u to mummy ok... insya'allah tt will happen.

98 degrees n mariah

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found the unvernished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heart it would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby
I'm so thankfulI found you

I would give you everything
There's nothing in this world
I wouldn't do
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
Because without you beside me
I can't survive
I don't wanna try
If you're keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be all right
Cause I need you in my life

[Chorus]
See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess it shows
that we were destined to shine
After the rain to appreciate
And care for what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way

[Chorus]
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankfulI found you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby
I'm so thankful I found you



darling i'm so thankful i found you.... i find myself tearing as i write this.... thanks baby.

wey....

hey..... i noe i noe stop nagging... i havent updated for a while...

well folks i am blissfully happy now. if you were meant to noe u wld have been told...

so ya... happpppppppppppppyyyyyyyy.

beb i'll tell you the funny details soon. love u too.


alhamdulilah for the way things are now. :)

itz been a long time

itz been a long time time...without a dope beat to step to, step to....

if at frist u dont succeed, brush the dust of and try again, try again


but sometimes towards the end i wonder if whatever it is i am doing is worth it. oh well.


anyways, been to bebeh's blog and i see my name a few times there so i shall plagiarise your things again k.. muacks love you beb.. we r so lesbo lol. ladies an d gentlemen tt was a joke we r effing straight pppl ok.


i like this :
The truth is we hide so we can be found,
we walk away to see who will follow,
we cry to see who will wipe away our tears
& we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them

She wanted something else.
Something different.
Something more.
Passion & romance, perhaps.
Or maybe quiet conversations in a candle lit room,
or maybe,
it was something as simple as not always being second in his heart

i can identify with that. tak siapa di antara kita di dunia memilih jalan hidup yang derita.


Sometimes... me think, what is friend & then me say, friend is someone to share the last cookie with.

or....someone to share the last takopachi with...right bebeh???? :P


and you want me to do the 7 things shit so i shall do it now for u.

* 7 RANDOM FACTS ABT MEEE *
- i am effing loyal if i love someone. tt's kinda disadvantageous sometimes
- i love people
-singing is my life
-i love kids
- i dont want to be a housewife
- i i luuuurve hanging out with close frens
- i am conservative though i dont look it.

7 THINGS THAT SCARE MEEE *

- losing my life in a painful and agonising death.
- losing my loved ones.
- not being happy. i'm not happy now.
- not being able to trust.
- buat dosa2 besar. astaghfirullah al'azim. insya'allah tak
-losing my voice
- animals. most of them.


7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT
well songs stuck in my head for now are:

- unfaithful - rihanna
- buttons- pussycat dolls
- without u - mariah carey. i love her.
-best fren - hu izzit ah
-be without you - mary j blige
- world cup song. not the ml version. haha.
- open arms - mariah carey. give me her voice!


7 things i like most

- laughing
-singing
-reading
-hanging out
-hanging out
-hanging out
-being in love

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST

- fuck la
- blardy hell
- otak kau
-yek eleh
-gawd
-*****
-yay

nak amek kau beb.....


ok i go plagiarise summore. but stuff abt me and me beb la.

copy from ana's post :

today was a nice day =)
Met up with my darling SITI RAHAYU aka AYU or mostly known as BEBEH. hahaha i think that name is stuck on you girl, even Ari doesnt know who I'm talking about when i mentioned your name until i told him it's BEBEH. khakhaSo anyway, I have a mini-phobia with slippers since i keep having slippers suddenly putus-ing alot nowadays (funny incident..i acterli went around asking for a translation of PUTUS in english....sunggoh tarching). hardiharhar so dengan selambenye i wore my three quarters khaki pants with a formal striped black shirt with my trailer sneakers kekekeke....went for my driving lesson which was not so bad today n decided to meet BEBEH!so went to Sengkang and ate kat Banquet...talk talk punyer talk, mulot gatal nak makan ice cream. pusing satu compasspoint tak tau maner leh dapat ice cream. tarching lorrh... so we were like going in and out shops like nobody business and laughing our asses off by stupid comments. hahaha people were looking at us but do we care? NOOOOOOO simply cos we are MAD, KERAZEE, HIGH FROM EACH OTHER and simply because i dont live there so haha low possibility of people i know bumping into me (walaupon Singapore ni kecik ajer tempatnye) and bebeh doesnt always go there. so yeah, basically we are macam 'foreigners' kat saner khakhakhakha. step foreigners menyampah.so then we finally bought our ice cream from 7-eleven and ate our desserts kat luar nearby. so we were commenting on people2 around us, making stupid noises, laughing our asses off on stuff that i could never remember. but time spent with bebeh is always fun =) larps yoOoUuuyarh basically thats my day spent .. hehehe i m loving my life =)

well got not much to add oreadi la mebbe tmr or sumtg. ciao.

watz the date?

been trying for the last 2 mins to figure out the date but nvm...hmmmmm... life has been relatively tolerable, tho felt a bit sick earlier. of course that was remedied by my bebeh. for once in a long2 while she decided to come over to sengkang instead.had lots of food and ice-cream then disturbed kids at the mall... dont u love kids? i sure do. altho i dont behave like a very maternal person, i am still a woman at the end of the day hehe. i reali feel like throwing this blardy pc out the window now. pls get me a new one somebody. terencat aku nak update la. n one of the most interesting topics: love am not in love now, at least not the heady cloud nine feeling. itz stable and more mature, clearly there's no more idol-worshipping or watsoeva. i'm clearly aware of his faults,a nd i can live with them. tt's a gd start. :) happy holidays frens. for those who are not having one, one word........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YES I NOE. U BLARDY BITCH. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. LOL

back from vietnam

i had fun in vietnam..... ms nora said tt she will miss me, esp running into her room late at night. let's juz say me and rozie were freaked out to an inch of our lives.... freaky stuff happened.... nevertheless had a good trip overall, except perhaps the abstinence from the ultimate sin made me a bit kooky n bad-tempered towards the end. i'm toking abt chocs la. my pc is being blardy irritating so i'll continue sum other day... 50 or 500.. a tinge of orange. lol.

the girl calls her bf**ring****ring****ring**
boy:hellogir

l:hi baby,why didnt you ever call me back?

boy:uhhh......i was busy....im sorry

girl:its ok,but i really needed you more than ever that night(she starts to cry)
just promise me you'll call me when i ask you to,ok?

boy:ok,but whats wrong?

girl:nothing.....but do you love me?

boy:yes of course i do , why?

girl:how much do you love me?

boy:more than anyone could ever imagine....
i would even take a bullet for you,why whats wrong?

girl:would you do anything for me?

boy:baby,you know i would do anything to make you happy.is there something wrong?

girl:(starts to cry again) no but do this for me,never talk to me again.we're over.(she hangs upthephone)

boy:(he tries to call back but the phone is disconnected.......a week later he decides to go to stop by her house.

parents:(in tears)here.....she asked us togive you this note right before (they just break down crying)(the boy takes the note and while he's driving home all he can think about is why her parents were so upset) (when he gets home he reads the letter it says.....im sorry i broke up with you,but i had no choice.i onlyhave 6-7 days to live, i figure it would be easier this way.and in case you were wondering why i asked you all those questions about how much you loved me so i could hear you say them 1 last time)the next day the boy was found dead with a gun in one hand and a note in the other.the note said "i told her i would take a bullet for her"



sweet la but merepek pon ade jugak. in the first place susah nak carik lelaki macam tu. terperok kat mane entah.

one thing i hafta add is if u treat me like some 2nd class person, last minute replacement or sumtg pls dont expect me to welcome you like a king.

if the nature of the whole relationship is based on deceit, i cant force myself to act all friendly as if there's nothing wrong.

regrets

i dont have many of them. especially in certain things. maybe i do stupid things sometimes, but i am NOT psycho. itz more of being driven by this deep feeling or emotion. which is not madness.


Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.


i see that now. when you finallly take a few steps back, you realise those moments are the ones you would want to relive. consequences might be rather painful later, but i also wouldnt trade it for anything else.


u say i'm nice. but i wasnt always nice to u was i..... there were times when i'd be ranting and raving like a mad woman, even recently. itz not because i enjoy doing tt, or because i'm mad ( the word appears again) but because itz something tt i believe in, and love makes u do really weird stuff. it makes me cry afterwards, for myself as well as for you.


i'll take whatever comes. life is too short to have regrets. i guess u already know how i feel, so there's no use in saying what we both already know. oh well.


never look back. we're here now.

oi

havent been updating for abt a week or so... that's because nothing has happened lately. yes, big surprise there. i have relinquished wateva social life i used to have. feel like gg off now. sigh. am so tired. have 2 periods of lit later on. end at 515 as usual. bummer.


through with love- destiny's child

Beyonce:
I gave my heart to you
I gave up my friends like you said I should do
Put aside my smile for you
threw out my dreams if you said you didn't approve
I gave my mind, compromise my life
just to see I'd find
you were trying hold me back
slowly throwing me off of my track
disappointed again

Chorus 1:
I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it, love
I'm finally giving it up


I've given so much in the past for a love I never had
I’m through with it
I'm, I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it,
through with it,
loveI'm finally giving it up.

Oh, there you go, comparing me
To every little model on the tv screen
Oh there you go, complaining to me,
cause I wanna spend time with my family
My esteem has gone down
You never wanna take me out
You make me feel dumb, and alone
I don't know where to go
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Kelly:
I shared all my secrets with you
Even when it hurt telling the truth
I Paralyze my growth for you
I gave you control felt so helpless without you
Couldn’t be a friend
To anyone happy
Cause with you
I see misery loves company
I don't know if this is love
Cause if it's love
I don't want it anymore
I'm through with it

{Chorus 1}

Michelle:

Why do I feel so empty?
I’m crying out for some stability
Destroy my many insecurities
I'm breaking down somebody pray for me
Need a love like no other
not an ordinary love
Restore my joy, wisdom and courage
Lord I need your love

I found a new love,
I found new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God

Chorus 2:

I found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God
I've given so much in the past,
for a love I've always had
I've found a new...I,
I, found a new love
I found a new,
found a new love
I finally found it in God!



i hope u understand why i cant go thru with it. i just cant. it wouldnt be right, people will be hurt. already as it is, u're not happy are u? i hope u can see tt itz betta off if we're not together. i'm sorry. i like u as a friend, i'm grateful tt u've been nice to me, tt' u've waited for more than a year for me but the feeling's not there. itz not something i can force. plus my previous experiences really taught me than this isnt something i should play ard with. i need to sort things out, there's so many things i wanna do and it isnt fair if we're in a rship, i wouldnt be faithful. i know it. watz the pt of being with u if my heart is with someone else? i'm nt saying it is, but there's this void tt cant be filled easily. u've tried, i know, n i thank u for tt, but...... itz complicated. i'm really in no hurry at all to be in a rship. i belive kalau memang dah jodoh tu, we'll be together no matter wat so berserah aje la, i'm not looking for love. i dont intend to get married b4 25. tt's a long way to go. i now kite merancang, tuhan yg menentukan. but i oso believe tt kalau kite ade niat baik nak bantu keluarga ( i'm the eldest) then isya'allah things will be fine. lagipon cukupla dgn benda2 bodoh yg aku buat wen i was 16, 17. wat i choose to do now is to forget abt love n do the things tt wont hurt me in the end, tt wont have disastrous effects on my life coz i simply cant take any more. tt's the truth. u wont know i'm writing this, but i wish u'd know tt i'm not fooling ard.. i'm so so sorry. read the words in bold.


kalau memang jodoh kite, tak ke mana.

tuerr

am officially 19 now. no difference la, maybe lost abit of weight over the last couple of weeks because this freak has another obsession. haha. hopefully it'll be lifelong one.

bebeh i love you! b5 clique, i love you! mummy n daddy, i love you too!

haha. well, today i have to stay all the way till 515... but a 4 hr break in between the lessons. blardy hell, i say. as such, i hafta cancel my date. tired.

wasnt reali looking forward to it but i feel bad for always declining. bukan nak step but u cant force urself wen it comes to things like this.

anyway, thanks for the stuff u guys bought me. realli appreciate it.


anyway, yesterday i went to mit bebeh for a late lunch.. then as i was heading for the bus-stop i met my cuzin, so we headed to this stairwell to smoke. she's an underaged smoker haha. but yupz anyway, i put bebeh's present next to my bag and went yakkity-yak for about an hour plus then we left tampines. the plan was to take a bus to pasir ris intc then transfer to service no 88. so ya, happily sat in 15 until blardy hellllllllllll!

that dear present was still at the stairwell. so me being me, started spewing expletives in the bus cursing my carelessness. my heart must skipped 5 beats or sumthing. plus knowing that my heartbeat isnt regular ( KKCWH says so ) that wasnt a good thing. was close to tears. i recall telling my cuzin that "kalau present dari jantan aku tak kisah, ni present dari best fren aku siak!" Spoken like a true deep down to the roots minah.

but ya, by the time i realised it we were already sumwer in pasir ris. i alighted and took 15 back to tampines and half walked and ran back to that block. macam2 doa aku baca.



It was still there. It was really meant for me i guess, memang rezeki agaknye. close to 45 minutes and it was untouched. incredible. anyway, itz this beautiful necklace with my initial ( which is an A you moron ) on it.


anyway i called bebeh when i was at the bus-stop after i got it back and told her wat happened. i said tt itz typical of kite, bile susah, bile terdesak baru ingat Tuhan, ingat baca doa. Insya'allah will work on tt :)


anyway bebeh, see what u mean to me???? huh? huh? huh? DO YOU LOVE ME OR DO YOU LOVE ME????

ish ish ish.

eh eh eh

was at ana's blog n i read her latest entry made me laugh out loud so i put here ok....

quote quote from ana's blog.

everyone knows that girlfriends are aphrodisiacs
yesh..
i had a great day with my darlings =)
started off by me checking my hp for any msges...
there was ONE..from ayu..
at 8 plus asking if i was awake or not.
it was 10 plus in the morning..

SUDDENLY

jeng jeng jeng there was a call..

"OI. bukak pintu ahh aku kat luar"

guess who was outside the door... SITI RAHAYU ..yess and i have NOT bathe...NOT awaken (dont intend to till after 11)..so yeah she saw me at my worst.. but i didnt care, and went back to sleep. wakhakhakhakhaok ok...so i watched some tv while she played the computer. then i had my bath n we went out to have our lunch.


and from another entry....

=) had a good day today
i had a wonderful outing with my darling sis inin n besti ayu =)
went to the Youth Park to watch some HipHop performances and an interesting dance to the Helena song. i loike...then went to take a look at the LIME flea market nearby... n had our lunch at LJS nearby.after that me n ayu went around orchard looking for a prezzie for Ainn's Birthday Chalet. haha she is the bestest bestest slacking kaki to go with. cos i feel so comfortable around her and i can be myself without putting up a mask. i love that girl... although she WAS complaining alot because she was wearing heels and we had walked up n down orchard TWICE or more. hahaha fun times... finally bought Ainn a bear kat PS. me and ayu had our lunch there n talk2. i cant remember what we were talking about la. but got many2 la. then we went off to pasir ris to meet mun.


this is a day in the lives of ayu n ana btw. welcome to the bebehs.


eh minachi, birthday aku jangan buat2 luper eh. SUNDAY!!!! 7 MAYYY!

bleargh

helped out at my cuzin's engagement over the weekend.... was fun lah, anyway sum of the pics we took there i put up on frenster so u can go have a look. i look ridiculous... i should never smile in pics. only in certain occassions do i look nice. blardy hell


anyway, my birthday's on sunday. 7th may.


no biggie la. only 19.

blardy hell

am at ana's place now... went for the xray, no fractures but must go for physio.... is tt how itz spelt? waddehell. anyway ya..so scary hor...

anyways, went to ana's blog juz now and horrors of horrors, found myself in a not-very-cute kawaii pose staring( grinning actuali) back at me...


hahaha. am in lvoe with my best fren. lol. not tt kinda of love la...but well... she's everything i need in a fren.

girl can i plagiarise sumtg from ur blog...lol..

Don't talk to me, don't look at me
no we can't be friends
this little game you've got has to end
you can't flirt with me like it's nothing
because you're breaking my heart
my entire world is falling apart
go your own way and I'll go mine
I'm gonna get over you, just give me a little time.


so sad ah. used to feel tt way. still do sumtyms. but wat doesnt kill u ultimately makes u stronger.

terharuuuuuuuu

terharu betol gue..... tak dapat donate blood. haIZZZZzzz... blardy hell. i tot i'm above 45kg but i'm not. sedih betol. realli wanted to. so instead of donating right now am sitting in the com lab waiting for htp, which is a session with the trainers. boringgg beb.

watched take the lead oreadi. okla, nice sountrack. love it. but the story so-so je. still prefer dirty dancing.

nak tengok tristan n isolde la.

will hafta go to toh tuck this afternoon for a lecture on persuasion by sum nus lecturer. heard she's good. then out for makan with sum class peeps leaps tu balik membuta lagi lah jawabnye.

kena pegi xray ah. shit man.

nothing else to add, non-existent social life. except tt i find myself going to PS more often than town nowadays. not complaining la, balik pon senang.

need a fag.

unbelievable

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive,
I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
([Chorus])
When I think of what I have,
and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
([Chorus])

Now I see, what love means


song by craig david. someone is being an irritating idiot beside me mocking the lyrics to the song and saying that he wants to scratch his nose many times. frankly my friend, i do not care.

am not in love. just think that the song is beautiful.

eleventh

adek's bdae today. yest was dadi n ah boy..... had enuf of cake. have 3 free periods till lit so juz sitting ard in the library wasting time. have done most of my work thank gawd. tt's amazing yes.


will be going out next week. see, so pathetic ryt my social life. whole of this week will be a gd girl.


nothing to report realli. does nabil think i'm stupid?

sixth

having a bad day. nothing bad happened really, but itz juz one of those days where u juz wanna find a corner and hide while the rest of the world whizzes past u. itz one of the damn-u--r-so-blardy-stupid days again.

i'm guessing itz because of my lack of nicotine intake this week. i'm trying to make a conscious effort to keep it down but itz really hard.

anyway am sort of seeing someone again now but i dont have any feelings for him. nil. i feel bad coz i'm juz leading him on n all but at the same time i need somebody. but ya, like i said i dont feel anything for him. such a bitch i noe. i try not to reply n stuff wen he msges or pretend i'm sleeping wen he calls...... sigh itz so difficult having someone hu realli cares alot abt u when deep down u noe ur heart is with someone else.

but like i've said to some ppl, love doesnt realli matter to me now. there's so much for me to do and i dont think itz fair to hueva it is wen i've got so much on my mind. i'm just not ready for tt kidna commitment, i'm only 19 god noes how long more i will finally be satisfied with what i have. i've got to break the cycle. i've got to do this for myself, my future. altho i'm not sure if marriage or a long-term rship comes along with tt.


i used to be such an idealist, want to be a gd wife, get a gd husband, have kids be happy bla bla. tt doesnt seem real to me anymore wen i cant even see past the next wk. and the a levels. o gawd. now a whole different problem has cropped up academically. itz depressing to see the stupid mistakes i make. well at least itz only the common test. sigh.


i really regret what i did to nabil. but we were both too egotistical, to the extent that towards the end of our relationship, we would meet ( with the group present of course) and sit near each other, spend the whole night but not talk or look at each other. later i found out he was waiting for me to do something, and it was the same for me. the reluctance on both our parts to do something clearly showed tt the relationship wasnt strong enough. but i dont realli blame him. anyway he's young, probably with someone else right now n i wish him the best of luck. i realli treasure wat we had, he was very good to me. i miss him but itz a done deal n we're better off gg our separate ways.

anyway have a lot of free periods today. am positively exhausted.