went to sentosa today.. havent updated my blog for awhile now. wasnt home much lah. anyway, this is the song i'm falling in love with..itz the kind of song that u love more and more each time u hear it... itz by mariah carey and brian mcknight too... i wonder why i never heard it earlier... I LIKE!!!!!!! haha... gawd, my knees are about to buckle from too much walking.... been out too much. tmr i shall be a good girl n stay at home. n i'm famished now man.... gotta go grab food before the grumbling starts to drown out the perfect 10.
whenever you call -mariah carey n brian mcknight
(Brian McKnight:)
Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
(Mariah)
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
(BM:) We can only turn into one
(Chorus, both) I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I'm truly inspired (And I'm)
Finding my soul (Finding my soul)
There in your eyes (There in your eyes)
And you (And you)
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised
chorus
(BM) And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
(M) You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside
chorus.
i would die to record a duet like this. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. i'm positively aching to sing but i'm such a scaredy cat that it realli pisses me off. n i STILL dont do anything about it. DAMN YOU AYU.
anyway, while i was at sentosa i remembered what happened the last time i was at a beach, which was a few days before i went on holiday. i remember telling *** before that he'd better take care of his lips or NOBODY is ever gonna want to kiss him. i mean, they were peeling and i AM a good friend(right??) so i gave him advice....
then wen we were at the beach that night( it was quite romantic actually, sitting on a bench late at night staring out at sea (even though we couldnt see anything) and juz toking crap and laughing bla bla) he suddenly looked at me seriously and asked me whether his lips were kissable then... i was stunned for a moment coz i realised he was gonna kiss me. he juz looked into my eyes until i spoiled it by laughing it off like a maniac and punching his arm. N no, duh, we didnt kiss. it was sweet though earlier, when we walked along the beach with some guy's niece. someone commented that we looked like we were married to each other with a child..awwwwwwwww...
but what definitely wasnt sweet was when i met my campus' malay cikgu at genting highlands and he asked me if i came with my HUSBAND. how incredibly tactful of him.
i'm hungryyyyyy!!! anyway, there's a new ljs replacing the burger king at my place. havent had the chance to go there yet..will do so tmr mebbe. k lah wont membebel.. didnt ask u to read my blog anyway. ciao darling.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
twentieth december
wow..the year has almoz ended.... anyway, this is one helluva song, by beyonce..... I LIKE!!!!!!!!!!
dangerously in love
baby i love u
u r my light
my happiest moments werent complete
if u weren't by my side
u're my relation
in connection to the sun
wif u next to me
there's no darkness i cant overcome
u r my raindrop
i am the sea
with u n god, who's my sunlight
i bloom n grow so beautifully
baby i'm so proud
proud to be ur girl
u make the confusion go all away
from this cold n messed up world
chorus
i am in love with u
u set me free
i cant do this thing
called life w/o u here with me
coz i'm dangerously in love with u
i'll never leave
juz keep loving me
the way i love u loving me
i noe u love me
love me for hu i am
coz years before i became hu i am
baby u were my man
i noe it aint easy
easy loving me
i appreciate the love n dedication
frm u to me
later on in my destiny
i see myself having ur child
i see myself being ur wife
n i see my whole future in ur eyes
tot of all my love for u
sometimes makes me wanna cry
realise all my blessings
i'm grateful to have u by my side
everytime i see ur face
my heart smiles
everytime it feels so good it hurts sometimes
to feel, to breathe, to love u
DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE.......
i went shopping AGAIN today...retail therapy is good, i recommend it highly.. mind the consequences though... i went to the music store fully intending to buy usher's cd ( kinda late huh?) but ended up wif mariah carey.... both r&b anyway.
i am thinking of u
in my sleepless solitude tonyt
if itz wrg to love u
then my heart juz wont let me be ryt
this used to be my trademark song in tkg... mariah carey of tkg, mr collin?? haha....
anyway, i bought shoes yesterday..then i remembered what the doc said the laz time i went to go check my foot. she said it was quite a bad injury n it will nv b as good as it was ( damn! ouch!) n she doesnt noe whether i'll be able to run again..she juz told me to try n run n c if i can tolerate the pain..if cannot, too bad, bye-bye track. i also remember the trainings in tkg..i was the only poor fella frm sec 1 in the sch team..n i had to run wif nora sometimes ( nora the ford supermodel thingy winner. nora with the endless legs. nora who almoz killed me. nora nora nora) but it was shiok lah, the people made the trainings bearable(such as wen i nearly fell off the steps at the national stadium, n wen we trained at the now defunct kallang practice track nxt 2 da netball centre).......... there was also this funny incident which happened after the nationals... i went back to school after my race to resume lessons ( had to..usually we tried to skip but dat day suay lah) n i juz wore my track stuff under my pinafore... obviously it was sleeveless right, n my pinafore doesnt have sleeves (duh) so it kinda looked like i wore nothing under my pinafore.... it happened to be a lab lesson under this guy, mr whatshisname... he kept staring at me from the front of the lab ( i was at the back) den he said loudly, rahayu, y r u not wearing anything underneath ur pinafore.. thank god it was a girls' school. bloody embarassing. so i went up to him angrily, and yanked at my jersey...haha....
track people were the closest to each oder, coz we were such a small community ( n we stole all the medals during sports day... :P) there wasnt such a thing as senior junior bullshit. i got to boss the seniora ard coz i was to be made captain the nxt yr (yay!) we were close also because we were in constant danger of being shut down...and it happened, coz in sec 2 it was dropped n we trained by ourselves...but it was difficult because the more enthu seniors had already left n so had mr d cruz... n so here i am, a fat slob in m.i..........
awwwwww.....wat a sob story.
eh... i'm damn boring sia...tok next time.
dangerously in love
baby i love u
u r my light
my happiest moments werent complete
if u weren't by my side
u're my relation
in connection to the sun
wif u next to me
there's no darkness i cant overcome
u r my raindrop
i am the sea
with u n god, who's my sunlight
i bloom n grow so beautifully
baby i'm so proud
proud to be ur girl
u make the confusion go all away
from this cold n messed up world
chorus
i am in love with u
u set me free
i cant do this thing
called life w/o u here with me
coz i'm dangerously in love with u
i'll never leave
juz keep loving me
the way i love u loving me
i noe u love me
love me for hu i am
coz years before i became hu i am
baby u were my man
i noe it aint easy
easy loving me
i appreciate the love n dedication
frm u to me
later on in my destiny
i see myself having ur child
i see myself being ur wife
n i see my whole future in ur eyes
tot of all my love for u
sometimes makes me wanna cry
realise all my blessings
i'm grateful to have u by my side
everytime i see ur face
my heart smiles
everytime it feels so good it hurts sometimes
to feel, to breathe, to love u
DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE.......
i went shopping AGAIN today...retail therapy is good, i recommend it highly.. mind the consequences though... i went to the music store fully intending to buy usher's cd ( kinda late huh?) but ended up wif mariah carey.... both r&b anyway.
i am thinking of u
in my sleepless solitude tonyt
if itz wrg to love u
then my heart juz wont let me be ryt
this used to be my trademark song in tkg... mariah carey of tkg, mr collin?? haha....
anyway, i bought shoes yesterday..then i remembered what the doc said the laz time i went to go check my foot. she said it was quite a bad injury n it will nv b as good as it was ( damn! ouch!) n she doesnt noe whether i'll be able to run again..she juz told me to try n run n c if i can tolerate the pain..if cannot, too bad, bye-bye track. i also remember the trainings in tkg..i was the only poor fella frm sec 1 in the sch team..n i had to run wif nora sometimes ( nora the ford supermodel thingy winner. nora with the endless legs. nora who almoz killed me. nora nora nora) but it was shiok lah, the people made the trainings bearable(such as wen i nearly fell off the steps at the national stadium, n wen we trained at the now defunct kallang practice track nxt 2 da netball centre).......... there was also this funny incident which happened after the nationals... i went back to school after my race to resume lessons ( had to..usually we tried to skip but dat day suay lah) n i juz wore my track stuff under my pinafore... obviously it was sleeveless right, n my pinafore doesnt have sleeves (duh) so it kinda looked like i wore nothing under my pinafore.... it happened to be a lab lesson under this guy, mr whatshisname... he kept staring at me from the front of the lab ( i was at the back) den he said loudly, rahayu, y r u not wearing anything underneath ur pinafore.. thank god it was a girls' school. bloody embarassing. so i went up to him angrily, and yanked at my jersey...haha....
track people were the closest to each oder, coz we were such a small community ( n we stole all the medals during sports day... :P) there wasnt such a thing as senior junior bullshit. i got to boss the seniora ard coz i was to be made captain the nxt yr (yay!) we were close also because we were in constant danger of being shut down...and it happened, coz in sec 2 it was dropped n we trained by ourselves...but it was difficult because the more enthu seniors had already left n so had mr d cruz... n so here i am, a fat slob in m.i..........
awwwwww.....wat a sob story.
eh... i'm damn boring sia...tok next time.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
eighteenth december
suddenly i've got this thing for brian mcknight. black singers are the devil..... their voices r sooooooo sexy.
coz one you're like a dream come true
two, just wanna be with u
three, coz itz plain to see that you're the only one for me
and four, repeat steps 1 2 3
five make u fall in love with me
if ever i believe my work is done
then i'll start back at one........
i used to go nuts over this song when it first came out. i STILL love it.
STILL- brian mcknight
funny wen u stop n think, time goes faster than u blink
but nothing's ever like it was
but girl we've got a special thing n all the happiness it brings
is more than enuf
i noe itz hard to believe you're still the biggest part of me
all i'm livin for
chorus:
i still think abt u
i still dream abt u
i still want u
n need u by my side
i'm still made abt u
all i eva wanted was u
u're still the one
u're still the one
itz hard to breath wen we're aaprt
u're like sunshine in my heart
i keep u here inside
u've been everything to me
u've been n always will be
the apple of my eye
i noe its hard to believe u're still the biggest part of me
all i'm living for
chorus
if u love me look into my eyes n say u do
i've been waiting all my life for someone just like u
n after all we've been thru
girl i'm still in love with u
n i want u to noe i do..... I DO......
i used to love this particular person a lot. he once told me that he couldn't make eye contact with people sometimes. he should have known that my eyes, the eyes that have cried so much for him, would have shown him what my mouth couldnt utter. shown him THAT I LOVE HIM.
coz one you're like a dream come true
two, just wanna be with u
three, coz itz plain to see that you're the only one for me
and four, repeat steps 1 2 3
five make u fall in love with me
if ever i believe my work is done
then i'll start back at one........
i used to go nuts over this song when it first came out. i STILL love it.
STILL- brian mcknight
funny wen u stop n think, time goes faster than u blink
but nothing's ever like it was
but girl we've got a special thing n all the happiness it brings
is more than enuf
i noe itz hard to believe you're still the biggest part of me
all i'm livin for
chorus:
i still think abt u
i still dream abt u
i still want u
n need u by my side
i'm still made abt u
all i eva wanted was u
u're still the one
u're still the one
itz hard to breath wen we're aaprt
u're like sunshine in my heart
i keep u here inside
u've been everything to me
u've been n always will be
the apple of my eye
i noe its hard to believe u're still the biggest part of me
all i'm living for
chorus
if u love me look into my eyes n say u do
i've been waiting all my life for someone just like u
n after all we've been thru
girl i'm still in love with u
n i want u to noe i do..... I DO......
i used to love this particular person a lot. he once told me that he couldn't make eye contact with people sometimes. he should have known that my eyes, the eyes that have cried so much for him, would have shown him what my mouth couldnt utter. shown him THAT I LOVE HIM.
eighteenth december
honey i'm hoooooooooooooooome!!!!!!!! it was a cool five days i spent holidaying.... and i mean literally cool, or cold, rather. it was like 13 degrees in genting.... i became a seven yr old again, climbing over railings and such. my vogue act went down the drain. the one day that i tried to be a bit more glamourous was a huge mistake coz i took the viking and dis horrible roller coaster which i swore was trying to throw me off n made me swear like hell. AND I WAS WEARING A SKIRT. i wore jeans to dinner and a skirt to go on the freaking rides. dumb as hell ayu.
n sadly there was not a single eye-candy there... i wasnt in the mood anyway. o ya, the kl hotel room was gorrrrrrgeoooouuussssss..... the decor was like...wow. anyway, itz ard 12 now, juz woke up... n i have this horrible tan from swimming. dunno wat else to say except that before i left for genting someone gave me a shouck. a huge one. anyway, i'm back, so contact me y'all, before boredom kicks in again.
n sadly there was not a single eye-candy there... i wasnt in the mood anyway. o ya, the kl hotel room was gorrrrrrgeoooouuussssss..... the decor was like...wow. anyway, itz ard 12 now, juz woke up... n i have this horrible tan from swimming. dunno wat else to say except that before i left for genting someone gave me a shouck. a huge one. anyway, i'm back, so contact me y'all, before boredom kicks in again.
Monday, December 06, 2004
6th december
shit forgot to tell u guys...will be away from the 13th to 17th....yay...eye-candy please!!!!!!
and o yeah..read the malay papers dis morning n i found out the talent management co. i turned down is the one managing aqmal...well u noe, the anugerah guy....
shot myself in the foot there, didnt i? but nvm...perhaps itz an indication tt bigger thints r to come my way..itz only fair, right.....
haha..wishful thinking
wishing and hoping.............. *fingers are crossed* but i dont believe in that shit. hard work is what gets u to the top.. and bloody good contacts. which i turned down. bummer.
and o yeah..read the malay papers dis morning n i found out the talent management co. i turned down is the one managing aqmal...well u noe, the anugerah guy....
shot myself in the foot there, didnt i? but nvm...perhaps itz an indication tt bigger thints r to come my way..itz only fair, right.....
haha..wishful thinking
wishing and hoping.............. *fingers are crossed* but i dont believe in that shit. hard work is what gets u to the top.. and bloody good contacts. which i turned down. bummer.
6th december
yooohoooo..... heyaz... went on a date today...hehe... a really weird one.. ok it wasnt a date to me lahzz..dunno abt the other party though..... muahahahaha.... get out u scumbag coz guess wat?? ayu's in da houz once more....
n itz payback time.
but somehow...shit..am i leading him on or something... but then again... i AM entitled to my share of fun right....n hell, i feel gooooooooooddddddd. i got him...i got him all right. ayu, one point for ya...
n itz payback time.
but somehow...shit..am i leading him on or something... but then again... i AM entitled to my share of fun right....n hell, i feel gooooooooooddddddd. i got him...i got him all right. ayu, one point for ya...
Friday, December 03, 2004
third december
aloooooo... the past few days have been like... WHOA!!!!!!!!! went out a lot...i watched SAW... i hate you akbar for making me watch that show!!!!!!! at least i exacted my revenge by making one of ur sleeves longer than the other...argghhhhhhhh... i still havent watched shutter yet..damn.wan asked me today but i feel malas lah... some other day lah.
still havent been on a proper date lately... bored like hell. maybe i shd have juz gone wif wan to the movies. damn. alah dunno wat to say now..... more next time.
still havent been on a proper date lately... bored like hell. maybe i shd have juz gone wif wan to the movies. damn. alah dunno wat to say now..... more next time.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
twenty-fifth november
yesterday i went out wif my classmates... jalan raya... akbar, how do u 'jalan tak tepat'?? muahahahaha...inside jokes r the devil i tell u... i looked like a maniac at junction 8 laffing my ass off ( especially wif the vibrant hair-colour and the fact that i was almost sitting down at the traffic-light) it was so fun..i think we ate mee like..3 times yesterday..i'm amazed they could still swallow the same food again at 11.30 at night WIF RELISH.. the wonders of human capabilities... i start work on monday (i think) yayayayay.. *$$$$$$*$$$$$$$*
i am starting to enjoy life as a single person again... so fun 'changing partners' yesterday..pissed wif one, juz grab another!!! jokinglah, obviously.... tomorrow i hafta go to bloody toh tuck for some moronic event. they're gonna make me sing, as usual i think... and my handphone is such a bloody bugger i tell u..... dont bother sms or calling it ok.. call my houz. and how come i'm having my period NOW??????? didnt i juz get it 2 wks ago? after i came out frm hospital my menstual cycle has adopted this freakingly irritating erratic behaviour.. well itz betta than not getting it i guess.
can i sue smrt for plastering petrol or what seems like crude oil on my kain? fuck lah, i only wore that baju once and it got stuck in the elevator thingy..thank god it didnt tear when i had to yank it off the steps... and the worst part is oil stains ur stuff..arghhhhhhhhhh!
suddenly i feel like dating again.. i noe i said i've had enough of it for a long long time but lately i'm realising what fun i'm giving up. of course this time the criteria is a lot stricter,duh.....
which bring me to this.. do i have a THIRD PARTY sign hanging ard my neck or written on my forehead? recently, there's dis guy hu came to my houz to get something frm me (at midnight..) then he started contacting me, being lovey-dovey and all.. i kinda scared him away when i kept bugging him abt whether he was attached or not.... btw, he said he wasnt... but i did my own sleuthing and i found out that indeed he WAS attached!!!!!! and guess wat... he was attached to my friend, and she's like..15???? she's frm the dk grp tt i used to be in and they all call me mummy..can u imagine me taking my "daughter's" boyfriend????????? no way in hell, man... i didn't even like him anyway..well even if i did there was absolutely no chance of us getting together bcoz of what happened recently.. and she's MY FREN!!!!!!! so young and all... (tak tergamak aku nak buat gitu kat dia, or anyone else for that matter.( nevermind that i loved that particular someone like hell.)this juz had to happen, of course...but at least he's responsible enough to apologise for having a crush on me...weird weird world. thank god i checked abt him...phew.
well well.... i'm just waiting for the BIG BANG... and when he comes, he'll be ALL MINE. yeah baby.no doubts abt it.
i am starting to enjoy life as a single person again... so fun 'changing partners' yesterday..pissed wif one, juz grab another!!! jokinglah, obviously.... tomorrow i hafta go to bloody toh tuck for some moronic event. they're gonna make me sing, as usual i think... and my handphone is such a bloody bugger i tell u..... dont bother sms or calling it ok.. call my houz. and how come i'm having my period NOW??????? didnt i juz get it 2 wks ago? after i came out frm hospital my menstual cycle has adopted this freakingly irritating erratic behaviour.. well itz betta than not getting it i guess.
can i sue smrt for plastering petrol or what seems like crude oil on my kain? fuck lah, i only wore that baju once and it got stuck in the elevator thingy..thank god it didnt tear when i had to yank it off the steps... and the worst part is oil stains ur stuff..arghhhhhhhhhh!
suddenly i feel like dating again.. i noe i said i've had enough of it for a long long time but lately i'm realising what fun i'm giving up. of course this time the criteria is a lot stricter,duh.....
which bring me to this.. do i have a THIRD PARTY sign hanging ard my neck or written on my forehead? recently, there's dis guy hu came to my houz to get something frm me (at midnight..) then he started contacting me, being lovey-dovey and all.. i kinda scared him away when i kept bugging him abt whether he was attached or not.... btw, he said he wasnt... but i did my own sleuthing and i found out that indeed he WAS attached!!!!!! and guess wat... he was attached to my friend, and she's like..15???? she's frm the dk grp tt i used to be in and they all call me mummy..can u imagine me taking my "daughter's" boyfriend????????? no way in hell, man... i didn't even like him anyway..well even if i did there was absolutely no chance of us getting together bcoz of what happened recently.. and she's MY FREN!!!!!!! so young and all... (tak tergamak aku nak buat gitu kat dia, or anyone else for that matter.( nevermind that i loved that particular someone like hell.)this juz had to happen, of course...but at least he's responsible enough to apologise for having a crush on me...weird weird world. thank god i checked abt him...phew.
well well.... i'm just waiting for the BIG BANG... and when he comes, he'll be ALL MINE. yeah baby.no doubts abt it.
Friday, November 12, 2004
eleventh november
heyyyyyyy... hahahahhahaha..i was recently at my frenster thingy and this freaky guy kept messaging me about gg to malaysia to go catch snakes and whether i wanted to join them..then he told me he was bitten by one and had to forfeit ten days of his puase..... riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhttt... I CARE! I REALLY DO! my pooor baby... weird guy... hahaha.
and my youngest sis has become a woooomaann. she got her period a few days ago. funny, coz all my life she has been 'a baby' and now i realise hey, she's grown up too.... well i cant exactly escape from that fact since she's almost as big (or small??) as i am and she's only 11...
u noe ***** is such a bastard. dunno wat i saw in him also. is it so hard to juz tell me he hates me? at the very least, he dosnt love me ryt, after how he's treated me (which is worse than cow dung, for the uninformed) so JUZ FREAKING TELL ME MAN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? NO GUTS AH?
sorry, juz felt like screaming. n i hate myself for this particular thing that only i know...stupid stupid me.
n i hate the fourteenth of whateva month. it sucks. yes itz hari raya dis month, but itz also...argh. stupid date. i shd never have gone to all these places, getting soaked and all. not worth it lah in the end. i shd haf stuck to my first impression of him....they always do count, dont they?
but it has happened. i dunno what i'm gonna do if i see him again ( letz guess - run away?) o i forgot..he's dead to me. n yet..................................
and my youngest sis has become a woooomaann. she got her period a few days ago. funny, coz all my life she has been 'a baby' and now i realise hey, she's grown up too.... well i cant exactly escape from that fact since she's almost as big (or small??) as i am and she's only 11...
u noe ***** is such a bastard. dunno wat i saw in him also. is it so hard to juz tell me he hates me? at the very least, he dosnt love me ryt, after how he's treated me (which is worse than cow dung, for the uninformed) so JUZ FREAKING TELL ME MAN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? NO GUTS AH?
sorry, juz felt like screaming. n i hate myself for this particular thing that only i know...stupid stupid me.
n i hate the fourteenth of whateva month. it sucks. yes itz hari raya dis month, but itz also...argh. stupid date. i shd never have gone to all these places, getting soaked and all. not worth it lah in the end. i shd haf stuck to my first impression of him....they always do count, dont they?
but it has happened. i dunno what i'm gonna do if i see him again ( letz guess - run away?) o i forgot..he's dead to me. n yet..................................
Monday, November 08, 2004
eighth november
mak oi.....kaki aku sakittttttt... went to geylang AGAIIIIIINNN... was a good girl n didnt buy anything though... does mee hoon goreng count? but it was soooooooo tasteless... tak sedap lah..or izzit my tastebuds? i'm getting sick of my pink blog... never liked pink actually.
going to town tomorrow maybe...meeting my bebeh, or the group.. see how things go. i look like a golden monkey!!!! i had to rush the other day while dying my hair so i couldnt really monitor the colour..den whoa!!!!!!!!!!! shall redo it some other day..at least no one's snickered yet.
sayu.......hati ini makin sayu...... hari raya in 6 days' time, if i'm not mistaken... i don't feel anything actually. i dont have anything or anyone special to celebrate with. in case you detect a tinge of sadness, well yeah.... it is hari raya after all.. but before u go on a tirade on how the idiot manipulated me n stuff, I AM FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all right, so stop bugging me... n yes the next one i snag will be one hell of a guy, don't worry. yes, a single one. i dunno how i'm gonna accomplish that but i'm sure there's still a nice guy out there. goodness, i make this sound like the end of the world. i wanna go out and have fun tomorrow...............yippee.
i have to alter all of my kebayas... even though i'm a bigger pig now, i still hafta make do with xxs and STILL alter it...leceh ah. thank god my mum can sew... wonder what the hell akbar is doing studying thai... n what all the hype abt ikhlas all about..well i shall leave the mystery for now and go grab a drink from the kitchen... c ya after raye i guess. ciao.
i'll be bak.
going to town tomorrow maybe...meeting my bebeh, or the group.. see how things go. i look like a golden monkey!!!! i had to rush the other day while dying my hair so i couldnt really monitor the colour..den whoa!!!!!!!!!!! shall redo it some other day..at least no one's snickered yet.
sayu.......hati ini makin sayu...... hari raya in 6 days' time, if i'm not mistaken... i don't feel anything actually. i dont have anything or anyone special to celebrate with. in case you detect a tinge of sadness, well yeah.... it is hari raya after all.. but before u go on a tirade on how the idiot manipulated me n stuff, I AM FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all right, so stop bugging me... n yes the next one i snag will be one hell of a guy, don't worry. yes, a single one. i dunno how i'm gonna accomplish that but i'm sure there's still a nice guy out there. goodness, i make this sound like the end of the world. i wanna go out and have fun tomorrow...............yippee.
i have to alter all of my kebayas... even though i'm a bigger pig now, i still hafta make do with xxs and STILL alter it...leceh ah. thank god my mum can sew... wonder what the hell akbar is doing studying thai... n what all the hype abt ikhlas all about..well i shall leave the mystery for now and go grab a drink from the kitchen... c ya after raye i guess. ciao.
i'll be bak.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
second november
so itz fixed. i shall be slaving another year of my life at this skool, gettting my ass ready for the a's....... blank on whether itz good or not..i did get promoted, not merely advanced so there's the wow factor there...anyway here's what miss ng wrote to me:
hello! you've got guts,courage. Not many can say that of themselves. You've overcome obstacles others do not have the courage to face. Take 2004 as one where the 'Ayu' I know triumphed. That is true strength. There will be other tough patches, take this year as a sign- knowledge; that, there's something, something special in you. SMILE -!
can i just say that she is one sweet lady? i never thought myself as a strong person but more and more i'm realising that people think i am.. well those that dont think i'm a slut anyway. i think i've had it up to here with all the lies guys give me. i am sure to give u one swift kick in the ass the moment there's a hint of a lie that you're attempting to tell me and i swear after what i've been through, i am not lying. yes i still love ***** despite knowing that he is one gutless idiot, but that's all there is to it. i love him but i do not wish for whatever happened between us to reoccur. but i won't say that it will never happen again because we can only plan but God determines it, but it sure hurts a damn lot. the blood tests yeah, but the emotional pain is superb man, i tell u... y the hell do the teachers think i'm some prodigy? i'm such a slob..i never studied since psle, seriously..i pay attention just enough to barely scrape through every year. i thought well...this year this is it, your luck runs out girl but no!!!!!!!!!! i guess i suffered enough during the relationship n all that it wasnt right for me to suffer anymore...hahahaha. absolute crap ah? but for those who dont believe in me i'm going to grab hold of that mass communications degree and shove it up your ass where the sun dont shine babe.... and when i want to do something i will do it. so dont get me hot and bothered boy because it sure aint a pretty sight when this girl gets pissed.... (though i cool down easily :P)
my ass hurts from the gym workout, man.... havent gone there in years...but shiok lah, sweating it out..... must do it more often.
hello! you've got guts,courage. Not many can say that of themselves. You've overcome obstacles others do not have the courage to face. Take 2004 as one where the 'Ayu' I know triumphed. That is true strength. There will be other tough patches, take this year as a sign- knowledge; that, there's something, something special in you. SMILE -!
can i just say that she is one sweet lady? i never thought myself as a strong person but more and more i'm realising that people think i am.. well those that dont think i'm a slut anyway. i think i've had it up to here with all the lies guys give me. i am sure to give u one swift kick in the ass the moment there's a hint of a lie that you're attempting to tell me and i swear after what i've been through, i am not lying. yes i still love ***** despite knowing that he is one gutless idiot, but that's all there is to it. i love him but i do not wish for whatever happened between us to reoccur. but i won't say that it will never happen again because we can only plan but God determines it, but it sure hurts a damn lot. the blood tests yeah, but the emotional pain is superb man, i tell u... y the hell do the teachers think i'm some prodigy? i'm such a slob..i never studied since psle, seriously..i pay attention just enough to barely scrape through every year. i thought well...this year this is it, your luck runs out girl but no!!!!!!!!!! i guess i suffered enough during the relationship n all that it wasnt right for me to suffer anymore...hahahaha. absolute crap ah? but for those who dont believe in me i'm going to grab hold of that mass communications degree and shove it up your ass where the sun dont shine babe.... and when i want to do something i will do it. so dont get me hot and bothered boy because it sure aint a pretty sight when this girl gets pissed.... (though i cool down easily :P)
my ass hurts from the gym workout, man.... havent gone there in years...but shiok lah, sweating it out..... must do it more often.
Friday, October 29, 2004
twenty-ninth october
heeeeeeey..... not in school today...damn shagged lah. my resolution for this month is not to contact ***** anymore................. wen i think back, i realise what a horrible bastard it was i fell in love with. he was never there wen i was sick and puking my guts out. wen i was in skool almost blacking out from the stuff he refused to come and see me even though he damned well knew he was what i wanted to see, if it was the last thing i ever saw in my life. i'm amazed he came to see me in the hospital, but being the coward he is he had to drag kai along.i was his girlfriend cant he come see me by himself? i suppose he's the type of guy who would run away if he got a girl pregnant...and of course, like in my case the girl gets all the blame and labelling. not that i'm pregnant.just putting things in perspective so that you can see what a dumb fool i've become because of love. but i wont discount myself further by saying that maybe it wasnt love because undeniably it was...and little bits of it still lingers although much of it has been replaced with anger now. if he really loved me he really needs to learn how to show it properly. i'm not a sado-masochist you know. love shouldnt equal to pain all the time.
i've pretty much fought hard to stop thinking about him and i've kinda succeeded, hanging around nuts like rahimah, azhar, aisyah, akbar and the lot....horrible hooligans, all of them... but i really appreciate the roaringly maniacal sessions we have in the library.. i dont even mind the huge purple bruise rahimah gave me on my thigh. itz only wen itz late at night and your frens are not there beside you and the laughter and smiles have all faded away that i get emotional and then i message him... but i always end up angry... that's all i can do anyway, get angry, cry myself to sleep, make a resolution to not contact him but always breaking it. i wish i had the strength to stop all this bullshit. he is doing me a favour by not replying of course. I would be a truly happy person if only i could just push all this aside and carry on..but i believe i'm almost there.. actually i'm surprised that i'm relatively okay now.. i thought it would drag on, the tears and all for a few months at least but now i can manage to survive a few days without feeling remorse or wateva..maybe deep down i always knew this bastard has been hurting me all this while and what i really needed to do was to get out of this horrible mess..and now i have.
my mum juz woke up. i cant fast so i'm going to a pamper myself by baking brownies and eating the whole batch up all by myself..yuuuuuuuummmmmie.
i've pretty much fought hard to stop thinking about him and i've kinda succeeded, hanging around nuts like rahimah, azhar, aisyah, akbar and the lot....horrible hooligans, all of them... but i really appreciate the roaringly maniacal sessions we have in the library.. i dont even mind the huge purple bruise rahimah gave me on my thigh. itz only wen itz late at night and your frens are not there beside you and the laughter and smiles have all faded away that i get emotional and then i message him... but i always end up angry... that's all i can do anyway, get angry, cry myself to sleep, make a resolution to not contact him but always breaking it. i wish i had the strength to stop all this bullshit. he is doing me a favour by not replying of course. I would be a truly happy person if only i could just push all this aside and carry on..but i believe i'm almost there.. actually i'm surprised that i'm relatively okay now.. i thought it would drag on, the tears and all for a few months at least but now i can manage to survive a few days without feeling remorse or wateva..maybe deep down i always knew this bastard has been hurting me all this while and what i really needed to do was to get out of this horrible mess..and now i have.
my mum juz woke up. i cant fast so i'm going to a pamper myself by baking brownies and eating the whole batch up all by myself..yuuuuuuuummmmmie.
Monday, October 25, 2004
twenty-fifth october
ooooooooooh....lookyyyy... there's a tear in her eye...oh, that poor dearie.. all that while thinking in your mind what an absolute floozie... she certainly asked for it.
now i don think of ***** all that much, in fact hardly, but it kinda gets annoying wen one kaypohchi after another comes up to me and insists on being a shrink... trying to get inside my head, eh?
one more time one stupid sodding sonofabitch or daughterofabitch does that i will yank their hairpiece out. there is only so much that i can take from you guys okay. i was perfectly fine until you told me to step into your darling office and proceeded to relive the horrors of my relationship.
you guys think i'm some bloody mothafucking slut who deserves to be burnt at the stake for what i did. yes, yes the sodding bitch who steals someone else's guy. hey, watch out, maybe itz your guy i'm out for next.
for goodness sakes... i loved him ok? and yup, maybe it was one-sided as you all kept drilling into my brain.... well, sorry for 'fantasising' lah! the school shrink thinks i fantasise about him...gawd... funny or wat?? well if you read the stuff he sent me you certainly'd think i wasnt the only one. but yes yes, i love him still, very much... but no, i'm not going to go begging him because my pride has been hurt again and again and again by this guy who claims he loves me but in actual fact doesn't. well i don't know. doesn't seem like it anyway. if he does, what u gonna do, sue me?
i so wanna leave the bloody skool and get a job..meet some proper hassle-free guys, not fall in love with them as usual...see, that's what i was about some time ago....until i fell recently...HARD. girl, you got lotsa stuff to learn still... except, cant fate be a little easier on me? now that i'm perfectly sure i am absolutely capable of loving someone, and smooching them, i guess itz not so bad after all huh....
i juz wish you wouldn't think so badly of me...or him for that matter. as much as i feel he could have dealt with matters in a better way, i dont blame it. we were all none the wiser when it came to this situation. now that itz over and done with, i hope i can move on soon with life...i wont forget him, certainly, but he'll be juz a part of the hazy past, part of my mistakes and one that i certainly will learn from...so yup...... tears do dry up one day.
love doesnt have to hurt. i've let him go and i hope he's happy whatever he's doing right now. although admittedly things arent fine and dandy betweeen us, i still do love him...always will i guess, although perhaps not in the way i did then..... and i thank him for those wonderful moments we had the past three months...
AYU N ***** ------ 14th july - 15th october.
now i don think of ***** all that much, in fact hardly, but it kinda gets annoying wen one kaypohchi after another comes up to me and insists on being a shrink... trying to get inside my head, eh?
one more time one stupid sodding sonofabitch or daughterofabitch does that i will yank their hairpiece out. there is only so much that i can take from you guys okay. i was perfectly fine until you told me to step into your darling office and proceeded to relive the horrors of my relationship.
you guys think i'm some bloody mothafucking slut who deserves to be burnt at the stake for what i did. yes, yes the sodding bitch who steals someone else's guy. hey, watch out, maybe itz your guy i'm out for next.
for goodness sakes... i loved him ok? and yup, maybe it was one-sided as you all kept drilling into my brain.... well, sorry for 'fantasising' lah! the school shrink thinks i fantasise about him...gawd... funny or wat?? well if you read the stuff he sent me you certainly'd think i wasnt the only one. but yes yes, i love him still, very much... but no, i'm not going to go begging him because my pride has been hurt again and again and again by this guy who claims he loves me but in actual fact doesn't. well i don't know. doesn't seem like it anyway. if he does, what u gonna do, sue me?
i so wanna leave the bloody skool and get a job..meet some proper hassle-free guys, not fall in love with them as usual...see, that's what i was about some time ago....until i fell recently...HARD. girl, you got lotsa stuff to learn still... except, cant fate be a little easier on me? now that i'm perfectly sure i am absolutely capable of loving someone, and smooching them, i guess itz not so bad after all huh....
i juz wish you wouldn't think so badly of me...or him for that matter. as much as i feel he could have dealt with matters in a better way, i dont blame it. we were all none the wiser when it came to this situation. now that itz over and done with, i hope i can move on soon with life...i wont forget him, certainly, but he'll be juz a part of the hazy past, part of my mistakes and one that i certainly will learn from...so yup...... tears do dry up one day.
love doesnt have to hurt. i've let him go and i hope he's happy whatever he's doing right now. although admittedly things arent fine and dandy betweeen us, i still do love him...always will i guess, although perhaps not in the way i did then..... and i thank him for those wonderful moments we had the past three months...
AYU N ***** ------ 14th july - 15th october.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
twentieth october
hey....itz over. me n ***** r n0t together anymore. get this in your heads. BROKE UP. on the fifteeenth of october. shall not dither on that...what's the point.
today has been a boring day, one exactly like the day before. and the day before. and the day before. itz the 6th day of fadting, and itz kinda good this year. don realli feel hungry...
eh... dunno wat else to write lah.. o yeah, played charades today... salwa kinda choked me today coz i got the answer right. heh. all's fair in love and war... i knew i'd get that right. been there done that got the t-shirt babes....
and mummy had made this an amazing day for me, finally... she has actually offered to pay for me to rebond my hair!!!! i didn't even ask her... my bro juz came up to me and said " kak ayu, can i have your sim card? n o ya, mummy cakap die nak rebondkan your rambut." yaaaaaaaaaaaay! but honestly, my hair has lost its curls now. used to have those nice nice curls when i was younger but they kinda grew out i guess... and also coz of the frequent straightening and colourings and what-nots.
alah..more next time.
today has been a boring day, one exactly like the day before. and the day before. and the day before. itz the 6th day of fadting, and itz kinda good this year. don realli feel hungry...
eh... dunno wat else to write lah.. o yeah, played charades today... salwa kinda choked me today coz i got the answer right. heh. all's fair in love and war... i knew i'd get that right. been there done that got the t-shirt babes....
and mummy had made this an amazing day for me, finally... she has actually offered to pay for me to rebond my hair!!!! i didn't even ask her... my bro juz came up to me and said " kak ayu, can i have your sim card? n o ya, mummy cakap die nak rebondkan your rambut." yaaaaaaaaaaaay! but honestly, my hair has lost its curls now. used to have those nice nice curls when i was younger but they kinda grew out i guess... and also coz of the frequent straightening and colourings and what-nots.
alah..more next time.
Friday, October 15, 2004
fifteenth october
well well well....so far so good... no hunger pangs yet.heh. the house is empty again. i'm home an awful lot these days. anyway, went out with my bebeh laz nyt. itz my anniversary and instead of celebrating with him i go out wif her..becoming a habit. but yeah, mebbe wat fahmi said itz true..itz the years that count..and i so badly want to be able to celebrate a year of being with him..then two, three, four..u get the idea.. but just look at our situation. everyday that we r still togther is already a blessing in itself.
right now at this moment i'm kinda resigned to wateva's coming from him. mebbe i am expecting too much. i don't know. but after all that we've been thru i hope we wont let go of this relationship so easily.
feel like going to sleep again although itz only two and i woke up near noon. becoming a fat ass. or so i tot. i weighed myself yesterday n i still didnt gain weight. amazing. but later i will, i always gain weight during the fasting month. my life has stalled for now. stagnant. probably breeding aedes mosquitoes and wat-nots too. eh..i wanna go find the lyrics to the 2play song... nice lah.
anyway, song for the day : unbreak my heart - toni braxton.
take back that sad word goodbye
bring back the joy to my life
dont leave me here with this pain
come and kiss these tears away
i cant forget the day you left
time is so unkind
and life is so cruel without u here beside me
unbreak my heart
say u love me again
undo this hurt you've caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
uncry these tears....
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart
my heart....
malas lah nak type lagi. damn it, i used to pride myself at not being dependent on some pathetic bastard. but now look at what has happened to me! fuck, i miss the sound of his voice. didnt noe it would come to this.
right now at this moment i'm kinda resigned to wateva's coming from him. mebbe i am expecting too much. i don't know. but after all that we've been thru i hope we wont let go of this relationship so easily.
feel like going to sleep again although itz only two and i woke up near noon. becoming a fat ass. or so i tot. i weighed myself yesterday n i still didnt gain weight. amazing. but later i will, i always gain weight during the fasting month. my life has stalled for now. stagnant. probably breeding aedes mosquitoes and wat-nots too. eh..i wanna go find the lyrics to the 2play song... nice lah.
anyway, song for the day : unbreak my heart - toni braxton.
take back that sad word goodbye
bring back the joy to my life
dont leave me here with this pain
come and kiss these tears away
i cant forget the day you left
time is so unkind
and life is so cruel without u here beside me
unbreak my heart
say u love me again
undo this hurt you've caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
uncry these tears....
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart
my heart....
malas lah nak type lagi. damn it, i used to pride myself at not being dependent on some pathetic bastard. but now look at what has happened to me! fuck, i miss the sound of his voice. didnt noe it would come to this.
Monday, October 11, 2004
eleventh october
hey.... itz moooooooonday. friday dah start puase...haiyoh... damn tired ever since i came back from the hospital. they must have drugged my food. how ironic. heh. dunno wat to write actually...itz kinda auto that i switch my pc on when i'm alone in the house. gg out in the evening later. maybe lah. depends on my mood. adek gg chalet...unfair.. tmr's malay ao, then thurs is malay a..... n my three month anniversary.. only three months? seems like a lifetime..doubt he remembers anything. but once u love someone...i dunnolah, u can be so blind and even the most cute guy u've ever seen doesnt make u drool anymore. okay who am i kidding.. u still drool lah, but not so much. :P
i reaali wanna go sleep coz i dont feel very good... am eating choc fudge juz like that.... sinful like hell, especially for my voice, but waddeheck. I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!!! hint hint. i dunno watz up wif me and my baby..... no more honeymoon period that's for sure. after promos den we'll sit down and have a looooooooong talk like we're suposed to. have been putting it off for quite some time now.. i realli do feel that i love him, though u guys think itz infatuation. i dont see the need to talk to him for hours at a stretch or meet everyday and coo o my love my darling i love u i miss u letz get married now....itz more of the quiet type of thing...u juz feel it..itz dis warm glow u get when u hear his voice or look at his photo...u juz feel blessed. n after all that's happened he's still there.. i wonder why he hasnt run a million miles away. i asked him if it was out of sympathy.
everything i do (i do it for you) - bryan adams
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
i love you. cant help it.
i reaali wanna go sleep coz i dont feel very good... am eating choc fudge juz like that.... sinful like hell, especially for my voice, but waddeheck. I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!!! hint hint. i dunno watz up wif me and my baby..... no more honeymoon period that's for sure. after promos den we'll sit down and have a looooooooong talk like we're suposed to. have been putting it off for quite some time now.. i realli do feel that i love him, though u guys think itz infatuation. i dont see the need to talk to him for hours at a stretch or meet everyday and coo o my love my darling i love u i miss u letz get married now....itz more of the quiet type of thing...u juz feel it..itz dis warm glow u get when u hear his voice or look at his photo...u juz feel blessed. n after all that's happened he's still there.. i wonder why he hasnt run a million miles away. i asked him if it was out of sympathy.
everything i do (i do it for you) - bryan adams
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
i love you. cant help it.
Friday, October 08, 2004
eighth october
welll... i guess if you were meant to know what happened during the last few days, u wld have by now. so i shant bother writing it down again. all that matters is that whateva issues i have are kinda being settled now..slowly but surely.
n yeah. guez otelli's ryt. wen it comes to matters like this, u realise who r ur true frens... n i'm kinda amazed so many of them came to c me. thank u guys.. anyway...i realli hope you will stop slamming him.. i do love him u noe.... i guess things juz got a bit messy for a while...juz leave us alone to sort out the matter ourselves.... it juz gets worst when everyone tries to 'help' but all u do is complicate matters...... but thanks anyway...i noe u mean well but itz best that the two of us deal with this thing our way... itz something that we should have done a long time ago anyway.
n yeah. guez otelli's ryt. wen it comes to matters like this, u realise who r ur true frens... n i'm kinda amazed so many of them came to c me. thank u guys.. anyway...i realli hope you will stop slamming him.. i do love him u noe.... i guess things juz got a bit messy for a while...juz leave us alone to sort out the matter ourselves.... it juz gets worst when everyone tries to 'help' but all u do is complicate matters...... but thanks anyway...i noe u mean well but itz best that the two of us deal with this thing our way... itz something that we should have done a long time ago anyway.
Friday, October 01, 2004
first october
sama sama maju kehadapan...seems like so long ago... heh. still get excited when i see the school bus going past. i think itz the same uncle. puasa sooooooooon! gulp.
anyway, nothing much ah today...dunno wat to write. oh yeah, went to toh tuck campus today.. faezah and eli made me cry...damnit. itz as if they know what's going on... n yup, i was the only one bawling in there. okay, to give myself credit, it was only me and maira over there. well after that thingy, at least sham was right beside her and he kissed her. who do i have? when i opened my eyes, all i saw was faezah and eli trying not to gape at me, and i wanted to punch the mirror coz i realised what a weak person i've become.
o ya...sham said i lost a lot of weight... reaali ah? i feel the same.. just burdened with problems...feels heavier actuali.
anyway eli squeezed the air out of me.. she hadn't seen me for a long time apparently. heh. i kinda miss being busy. the musical. and singing. sigh. tmr's farhan's bro's wedding. dunno weder gg or not. he hasnt replied yet. and sunday's mega perdana..finals. not gg. don think i'm up to it. feel so tired these days.
sigh. 3 weeks. itz as if we were a million miles away. i juz wish it wasnt so difficult. bleargh. again, i'm wishing i have the strength to say goodbye but i know it wont do any good. love is so bloody blind.
anyway, nothing much ah today...dunno wat to write. oh yeah, went to toh tuck campus today.. faezah and eli made me cry...damnit. itz as if they know what's going on... n yup, i was the only one bawling in there. okay, to give myself credit, it was only me and maira over there. well after that thingy, at least sham was right beside her and he kissed her. who do i have? when i opened my eyes, all i saw was faezah and eli trying not to gape at me, and i wanted to punch the mirror coz i realised what a weak person i've become.
o ya...sham said i lost a lot of weight... reaali ah? i feel the same.. just burdened with problems...feels heavier actuali.
anyway eli squeezed the air out of me.. she hadn't seen me for a long time apparently. heh. i kinda miss being busy. the musical. and singing. sigh. tmr's farhan's bro's wedding. dunno weder gg or not. he hasnt replied yet. and sunday's mega perdana..finals. not gg. don think i'm up to it. feel so tired these days.
sigh. 3 weeks. itz as if we were a million miles away. i juz wish it wasnt so difficult. bleargh. again, i'm wishing i have the strength to say goodbye but i know it wont do any good. love is so bloody blind.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
twenty-sixth september
heya... nothing grand happened so not much to report....went to the beach today... was fun.... anyway, exam's on the ninth.... oooooooouch. studying later after i unclog some matters from my brain... i like 2play's song..... used to hate it like the devil but it kinda grows on you i guess... yawn yawn... o ya, went back to my old place in hougang yesterday wif my peeps.... miss it soooooo much...the food there is still good. made me realise how much the school food stinks...anyway i am on painkillers and vitamins now..bugger. otherwise, this week has been bleaaaahh.. NOT! i shall not be a sad pathetic loser so i shall focus on positive thoughts. sigh... tok another day i guess...my brain's on a holiday. since when was it not, anyway? hah.
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