heya... nothing grand happened so not much to report....went to the beach today... was fun.... anyway, exam's on the ninth.... oooooooouch. studying later after i unclog some matters from my brain... i like 2play's song..... used to hate it like the devil but it kinda grows on you i guess... yawn yawn... o ya, went back to my old place in hougang yesterday wif my peeps.... miss it soooooo much...the food there is still good. made me realise how much the school food stinks...anyway i am on painkillers and vitamins now..bugger. otherwise, this week has been bleaaaahh.. NOT! i shall not be a sad pathetic loser so i shall focus on positive thoughts. sigh... tok another day i guess...my brain's on a holiday. since when was it not, anyway? hah.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
ninteenth september
i think i noe wat cikgu meant when he said i was gonna die on the eigthteenth...not physically... emotionally. i dunno how the hell that conclusion regarding me was made. itz so bloody unfair. anyway tonight things shall be sorted out.
Something happened on the 7th of september but i am not in a position to divulge the information.. anyway, yup, here i am banging on the keys again, trying to make some sense out of my thoughts that are, frankly, muddled...
Ok scrap that. I needddddd to sllllleeeeep! Mind you, its only three now.. i have become such a couch potato these days..but no beer belly, no chance of that happening..must get out more!! And end up spending more, of course... there’s always the downside of things huh..damn.. i wanna go to the beach!! Hint hint hint...ok forget the subtle hint... here’s ayu hollering I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH YOU MORONS!!!! SOMEONE ASK ME LAH!!! actually i just went yesterday..wanna go again..hehe.
Ouch. Sorry if i made your eardrums burst or something. Do i write like a bimbo? Ok scrap that.bimbos dont even bother writing in blogs.. yes tell me again you fellas..ayu have you got nothing betta to do? Sorry to disappoint you guys but contrary to popular belief, i really do not have a life, other than staring at my own face on my handphone’s wallpaper and idly poking the buttons. So...yup yup... what else is there to talk about....yawn yawn... hey cut me some slack ok... i am not the most interesting person around i noe but at least i do get out once in a while.
I remember what kak nana said when she first heard me ( btw, i hate microphones, karaoke n recorded versions of my songs/voice. The only time i sound reasonably okay is live. Which is bad, since if i wanna do records they would obviously hafta be in recorded form. What the hell did i just say? I DID NOT MAKE SENSE. B-I-M-B-O) was that i dont sound like a fifteen year old. She said i sound like i’ve been singing all my life.. kinda close to the truth. Ever since i was maybe four? (And for the uninformed, i am seventeen and four months now, thank you very much)
Ok...watch out.. ayu’s going to tell a grandmother’s story again..grab your pillows.. and bolsters....hahahahahaha. the first time i sang in front of more than a hundred peeps was a wedding.. i was five then.. my aunt still has the tape.. i was one hot babe then... woohoo! *whistle* anyway,i sang this song lah, called janji manismu by aisyah... i remember some guy took out the flowers from the vase on the table and gave them to me... i didnt exactly remember lah, until one day i went over to my aunt’s n she played her wedding vcd
(converted from the tape).... during that time i was already actively performing.. ok that’s an understatement. I’ve been performing all my life.. what i meant was singing, because, ironically, i did acting and emceeing when i was younger. i didn’t sing much when i was in pri school or early sec school... only when i was in sec 3 then i suddenly hit my head on the wall and started to sing A LOT on stage, although i’ve been singing in the bathroom all my life. So ya... it was then that it hit me ( am i a klutz or wat...hit here hit there...) that maybe this was what i wanted to do... and i guess i have to thank my ex-boyfriend for opening so many doors for me during the time that i was in dikir barat.. he’s more of a brother now though n i miss him... anyway, yupz...had offers but not taking them up anytime soon.. i want to be under a good label anyway. Not trying to be haughty here but a good label really makes a difference...... but studies first of course... MASS COMMMMMMMMMMMMUNICATIONNNNS!
Something happened on the 7th of september but i am not in a position to divulge the information.. anyway, yup, here i am banging on the keys again, trying to make some sense out of my thoughts that are, frankly, muddled...
Ok scrap that. I needddddd to sllllleeeeep! Mind you, its only three now.. i have become such a couch potato these days..but no beer belly, no chance of that happening..must get out more!! And end up spending more, of course... there’s always the downside of things huh..damn.. i wanna go to the beach!! Hint hint hint...ok forget the subtle hint... here’s ayu hollering I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH YOU MORONS!!!! SOMEONE ASK ME LAH!!! actually i just went yesterday..wanna go again..hehe.
Ouch. Sorry if i made your eardrums burst or something. Do i write like a bimbo? Ok scrap that.bimbos dont even bother writing in blogs.. yes tell me again you fellas..ayu have you got nothing betta to do? Sorry to disappoint you guys but contrary to popular belief, i really do not have a life, other than staring at my own face on my handphone’s wallpaper and idly poking the buttons. So...yup yup... what else is there to talk about....yawn yawn... hey cut me some slack ok... i am not the most interesting person around i noe but at least i do get out once in a while.
I remember what kak nana said when she first heard me ( btw, i hate microphones, karaoke n recorded versions of my songs/voice. The only time i sound reasonably okay is live. Which is bad, since if i wanna do records they would obviously hafta be in recorded form. What the hell did i just say? I DID NOT MAKE SENSE. B-I-M-B-O) was that i dont sound like a fifteen year old. She said i sound like i’ve been singing all my life.. kinda close to the truth. Ever since i was maybe four? (And for the uninformed, i am seventeen and four months now, thank you very much)
Ok...watch out.. ayu’s going to tell a grandmother’s story again..grab your pillows.. and bolsters....hahahahahaha. the first time i sang in front of more than a hundred peeps was a wedding.. i was five then.. my aunt still has the tape.. i was one hot babe then... woohoo! *whistle* anyway,i sang this song lah, called janji manismu by aisyah... i remember some guy took out the flowers from the vase on the table and gave them to me... i didnt exactly remember lah, until one day i went over to my aunt’s n she played her wedding vcd
(converted from the tape).... during that time i was already actively performing.. ok that’s an understatement. I’ve been performing all my life.. what i meant was singing, because, ironically, i did acting and emceeing when i was younger. i didn’t sing much when i was in pri school or early sec school... only when i was in sec 3 then i suddenly hit my head on the wall and started to sing A LOT on stage, although i’ve been singing in the bathroom all my life. So ya... it was then that it hit me ( am i a klutz or wat...hit here hit there...) that maybe this was what i wanted to do... and i guess i have to thank my ex-boyfriend for opening so many doors for me during the time that i was in dikir barat.. he’s more of a brother now though n i miss him... anyway, yupz...had offers but not taking them up anytime soon.. i want to be under a good label anyway. Not trying to be haughty here but a good label really makes a difference...... but studies first of course... MASS COMMMMMMMMMMMMUNICATIONNNNS!
Sunday, September 05, 2004
fifth september
i suppose everything happens for a reason huh... i cant possibly say that i'm reaalli happy wif the way things are going but i guess i'll juz hafta put up wif it and hope for the best.. *fingers are crossed* anyway, yup...on a lighter note..i'm in the hundredth percentile for gp.... yayayay.... dat means no one got higher marks than i did..by chance only lah... but i've got a feeling he's my lucky charm.... i've been lucky in moz aspects...except probably relationship-wise.... sigh...
i've been very...ermmm..i dunno... fascinated i guess by these particular paragraphs i've read from this book nana brought home :
Nick was willing to let her do anything, anything to him, except to leave him. That he would not let her do. " Lauren, please let me -"
" No!" she cried hysterically. "Stay away from me!"
She tried to run, and Nick caught her by the arms. She turned on him like a demented weeping wildcat, struggling wildly, striking out at him ( my gawd, that so sounds like me... i have been such a bitch lately, venting my anger on him) "You bastard!" she screamed in hysterical, maddened pain, pounding on his chest, his shoulders. "You bastard!I begged you on my knees!"
It took all of Nick's strength to hold her until her fury was finally spent and she collapsed against him, her slim body racked with wrenching sobs. " You made me beg-" she wept brokenly in his arms."-you made me beg".
Her tears tore at his heart , and her words slashed him like knives. He held her, staring blindly ahead, remembering the beautiful,laughing girl who had walked into his life ( ya for me i didn't walk into his life..i hobbled...he sprinted into mine... ok corny.) and turned it upside down with her glowing smile ( yup...i like his smile too..)
"What happens if this slipper fits?"
"I turn you into a handsome frog"
His eyes stung with remorse and he closed them. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry"
Lauren heard the raw ache in his voice, and she felt the wall of icy numbness she'd built around herself beginning to melt. She fought to blank out the exquisite beauty of being in his arms again, of being pressed against his big, strong body. (i miss that too..a lot)
In the lonely weeks of sleepless nights and angry desolate days ( i can relate to that too), she'd come to the conclusion that Nick was incurably cynical and hard ( i called him a liar and a bastard ...sorry baby). His mother's desertion had made him that way, and nothing she herslf could do would ever change him. He would always be capable of shutting her out of his life and coldly walking away from her, because he would never really love her.
and that is what i'm afraid of. and that's why my insecurities always make me lash out at you becoz i'm so scared of losing u.. not that i even have you in the first place of course. and i do feel like a beggar. but only because.. u noe... sometimes u try as hard as possible to forget that person... at times you almost succeed.. those are the times when i can summon the courage to 'yell' at you... to work up enough anger to make myself hate you...then i break down and realise that i love you far too much and there's no turning back. i was really afraid when you told me you loved me for the very first time. i told you not to say it if u didn't mean it. i know you always had a hard time trying to get me to say 'i love you' but believe me.. i wanted to say it but i was afraid then that if you realli knew what you meant to me, you would leave. anyway.. i love you.
i've been very...ermmm..i dunno... fascinated i guess by these particular paragraphs i've read from this book nana brought home :
Nick was willing to let her do anything, anything to him, except to leave him. That he would not let her do. " Lauren, please let me -"
" No!" she cried hysterically. "Stay away from me!"
She tried to run, and Nick caught her by the arms. She turned on him like a demented weeping wildcat, struggling wildly, striking out at him ( my gawd, that so sounds like me... i have been such a bitch lately, venting my anger on him) "You bastard!" she screamed in hysterical, maddened pain, pounding on his chest, his shoulders. "You bastard!I begged you on my knees!"
It took all of Nick's strength to hold her until her fury was finally spent and she collapsed against him, her slim body racked with wrenching sobs. " You made me beg-" she wept brokenly in his arms."-you made me beg".
Her tears tore at his heart , and her words slashed him like knives. He held her, staring blindly ahead, remembering the beautiful,laughing girl who had walked into his life ( ya for me i didn't walk into his life..i hobbled...he sprinted into mine... ok corny.) and turned it upside down with her glowing smile ( yup...i like his smile too..)
"What happens if this slipper fits?"
"I turn you into a handsome frog"
His eyes stung with remorse and he closed them. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry"
Lauren heard the raw ache in his voice, and she felt the wall of icy numbness she'd built around herself beginning to melt. She fought to blank out the exquisite beauty of being in his arms again, of being pressed against his big, strong body. (i miss that too..a lot)
In the lonely weeks of sleepless nights and angry desolate days ( i can relate to that too), she'd come to the conclusion that Nick was incurably cynical and hard ( i called him a liar and a bastard ...sorry baby). His mother's desertion had made him that way, and nothing she herslf could do would ever change him. He would always be capable of shutting her out of his life and coldly walking away from her, because he would never really love her.
and that is what i'm afraid of. and that's why my insecurities always make me lash out at you becoz i'm so scared of losing u.. not that i even have you in the first place of course. and i do feel like a beggar. but only because.. u noe... sometimes u try as hard as possible to forget that person... at times you almost succeed.. those are the times when i can summon the courage to 'yell' at you... to work up enough anger to make myself hate you...then i break down and realise that i love you far too much and there's no turning back. i was really afraid when you told me you loved me for the very first time. i told you not to say it if u didn't mean it. i know you always had a hard time trying to get me to say 'i love you' but believe me.. i wanted to say it but i was afraid then that if you realli knew what you meant to me, you would leave. anyway.. i love you.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
twenty-sixth august
aloooo... went to tekong yesterday... saw this cute mat.. but don't worry, i remembered to control myself...didnt go beyond a sheepish grin from him and a smile from me... i am a loyal fool. =) (although for the life of me i dunno y) oh come on ayu who r u kidding...hehe.
tomorrow i've gotta audition for some thingy... don mess up...go ayu! see how pathetic dis moron can get? hehe.. anyanyanyanyway, i finally ate junk food today..after two weeks of abstaining from it. today i came home at 5 ++ coz i was so darn bored..didn't teach tuition today.. i didnt know they had durian at botanic garden...or was it a joke? ah wateva lah... love life....non-existent now..... i'm so freaking sleepy right now.. o ya..i diagnosed cikgu's illness correctly the other day..maybe i shd go for a career switch...to a doctor?????? selamatlah korang. quack doctor..or bomoh..can u juz imagine? hehehehe...cikgu was telling us dat he can't control his sudden bouts of....errmmm..sleeping and i said..oh..u got sleep apnea ah... wah..pandai seh minah ni...
and i told aisyah abt banshees and stuff... quantum physics...action je lebih... hehe... y am i blogging in malay? o ya..me and shahidah had this INTELLECTUAL conversation juz now in the library, saying we need to memartabatkan bahasa melayu... tok cock only. i did a whole lot better for history this time around.yay... but my essay out of context. fucker. studied wrong topic.. forgot what happened in the yr the qn was referring to..
my gawd i'm one hell of a boring blogger..shall only write when truly necessary next time. and forgive my previous entry...jiwang seh minah ni.
tomorrow i've gotta audition for some thingy... don mess up...go ayu! see how pathetic dis moron can get? hehe.. anyanyanyanyway, i finally ate junk food today..after two weeks of abstaining from it. today i came home at 5 ++ coz i was so darn bored..didn't teach tuition today.. i didnt know they had durian at botanic garden...or was it a joke? ah wateva lah... love life....non-existent now..... i'm so freaking sleepy right now.. o ya..i diagnosed cikgu's illness correctly the other day..maybe i shd go for a career switch...to a doctor?????? selamatlah korang. quack doctor..or bomoh..can u juz imagine? hehehehe...cikgu was telling us dat he can't control his sudden bouts of....errmmm..sleeping and i said..oh..u got sleep apnea ah... wah..pandai seh minah ni...
and i told aisyah abt banshees and stuff... quantum physics...action je lebih... hehe... y am i blogging in malay? o ya..me and shahidah had this INTELLECTUAL conversation juz now in the library, saying we need to memartabatkan bahasa melayu... tok cock only. i did a whole lot better for history this time around.yay... but my essay out of context. fucker. studied wrong topic.. forgot what happened in the yr the qn was referring to..
my gawd i'm one hell of a boring blogger..shall only write when truly necessary next time. and forgive my previous entry...jiwang seh minah ni.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
twenty-second august
sigh...where do i start... i guess there's not much to say nowadays... maybe everything's that happened lately is for the best.. i'm seriously screwed up.
mengapa kita berjumpa
bercinta dan putus pula
yet the past five weeks have been the happiest i've been in ages. i told him that as long as i know he loves me, it would suffice... but i am lying. i'm such a selfish person. i guess that's why i have to go away. there can never be love in friendship and the way i'm loving him, i guess it's kinda impossible for us to be just friends. how can i, knowing i will never have my hand in his. and yet the knowledge of never hearing his voice, feeling his touch is absolutely grating my heart. the wound from the past hasnt even healed fully yet and now another one has appeared. am i jinxed or something?
i'm so dunb to think for even a single moment that he will choose me. i guess i can never give him what she can. i hope one day the tears that are still falling even as i write this will stop falling. and i will learn to love another person again. but the truth is, i really love him. a lot. and it hurts. y shd people meet, fall in love and then not be able to be together? star-crossed lovers.
i am thinking of you
in my sleepless solitude tonight
if itz wrong to love you
then my heart just wont let me be right
coz i've drowned in you
and i wont pull through
without you by my side
these are some of the smses i wish to immortalise here. because i love him. then, now, and forever.
1st aug : yup yup. good enough to eat. just afraid it'll make me diabetic. you're extra sweet you know.
ah.....do you know that to me you are pretty.
4th aug: a la so boring cant meet you. ok ah next time you sing live for me so i can continue to live. ha ha
a la main main pun tak boleh. I LOVE YOU!
yup i do mean it. i feel very happy when i message you or see you:) but on the phone its tough to talk
i just hope you will be happy in you studies and things you do in life really. i wish i never hurt you or made you cry a single tear.
i really do like you. i swear i do. however everything sucks coz its impossible! I really hate it!
i don know. don cry over me k. i am never worth it. i suck i know.
ayu no! this was never a bet! i walked with you at the bridge remember. then i knew then i liked you. things happened. do you think its advisable to continue?
5th aug : it does not make me happy. but there is no other way. is there any other way dear? please tell me cos i really wanna noe..
no i don regret it. i feel happy though. at least i had a chance to tell you how i feel.
hey are you ok? can u jus relax? pls hate me dump me whatever. stop feeling miserable darling. i hope i can cal you darling forever.
I CANT HELP BUT LOVE YOU. IF TIME WERE REVERSED I WOULD FALL IN LVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.
6th aug : yup and i still mean what i say now. i do love you. just that when you ask me i have to deny. i don wan you to think i fall in love easily. you are special.
7th aug : who says we have to be together for now? why cant we be two people in love?
thank you for saying that. i love you too so so so so much.... you know i feel like crying too cos we cant be together... =(
8th aug : i seriously hope you feel that i am worth all the trouble you are going through.. i sincerely do hope something will come out of this relationship.
9th aug : i dreamt that you scolded me for drinking your lemon tea in school... but in that dream you were my girlfriend =)
ayu its not that i don care or am not jealous. i am pretending not to be. i am just trying to give you a fair chance that's all.i love you too....
15 th aug : why are you so nice and want to sacrifice for me? is there any way i can sacrifice for you too?
19th aug : yay! i don care if people see... as long as i get to see you tomorrow apa nak jadi jadi ah.
21 aug : yes i do very much. but this is simply not feasible. it will never work out. better stop it sooner than later.
it means that i love you but don wan to take it further cos it will only hurt us.
22 aug : whatever for? i would be lying. we are simply a case where we love each other but cant be with each other thats all.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of my love story. but it doesnt mean its the end of my love for him... and hopefully, his love for me too.. i love you baby. always.
mengapa kita berjumpa
bercinta dan putus pula
yet the past five weeks have been the happiest i've been in ages. i told him that as long as i know he loves me, it would suffice... but i am lying. i'm such a selfish person. i guess that's why i have to go away. there can never be love in friendship and the way i'm loving him, i guess it's kinda impossible for us to be just friends. how can i, knowing i will never have my hand in his. and yet the knowledge of never hearing his voice, feeling his touch is absolutely grating my heart. the wound from the past hasnt even healed fully yet and now another one has appeared. am i jinxed or something?
i'm so dunb to think for even a single moment that he will choose me. i guess i can never give him what she can. i hope one day the tears that are still falling even as i write this will stop falling. and i will learn to love another person again. but the truth is, i really love him. a lot. and it hurts. y shd people meet, fall in love and then not be able to be together? star-crossed lovers.
i am thinking of you
in my sleepless solitude tonight
if itz wrong to love you
then my heart just wont let me be right
coz i've drowned in you
and i wont pull through
without you by my side
these are some of the smses i wish to immortalise here. because i love him. then, now, and forever.
1st aug : yup yup. good enough to eat. just afraid it'll make me diabetic. you're extra sweet you know.
ah.....do you know that to me you are pretty.
4th aug: a la so boring cant meet you. ok ah next time you sing live for me so i can continue to live. ha ha
a la main main pun tak boleh. I LOVE YOU!
yup i do mean it. i feel very happy when i message you or see you:) but on the phone its tough to talk
i just hope you will be happy in you studies and things you do in life really. i wish i never hurt you or made you cry a single tear.
i really do like you. i swear i do. however everything sucks coz its impossible! I really hate it!
i don know. don cry over me k. i am never worth it. i suck i know.
ayu no! this was never a bet! i walked with you at the bridge remember. then i knew then i liked you. things happened. do you think its advisable to continue?
5th aug : it does not make me happy. but there is no other way. is there any other way dear? please tell me cos i really wanna noe..
no i don regret it. i feel happy though. at least i had a chance to tell you how i feel.
hey are you ok? can u jus relax? pls hate me dump me whatever. stop feeling miserable darling. i hope i can cal you darling forever.
I CANT HELP BUT LOVE YOU. IF TIME WERE REVERSED I WOULD FALL IN LVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.
6th aug : yup and i still mean what i say now. i do love you. just that when you ask me i have to deny. i don wan you to think i fall in love easily. you are special.
7th aug : who says we have to be together for now? why cant we be two people in love?
thank you for saying that. i love you too so so so so much.... you know i feel like crying too cos we cant be together... =(
8th aug : i seriously hope you feel that i am worth all the trouble you are going through.. i sincerely do hope something will come out of this relationship.
9th aug : i dreamt that you scolded me for drinking your lemon tea in school... but in that dream you were my girlfriend =)
ayu its not that i don care or am not jealous. i am pretending not to be. i am just trying to give you a fair chance that's all.i love you too....
15 th aug : why are you so nice and want to sacrifice for me? is there any way i can sacrifice for you too?
19th aug : yay! i don care if people see... as long as i get to see you tomorrow apa nak jadi jadi ah.
21 aug : yes i do very much. but this is simply not feasible. it will never work out. better stop it sooner than later.
it means that i love you but don wan to take it further cos it will only hurt us.
22 aug : whatever for? i would be lying. we are simply a case where we love each other but cant be with each other thats all.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of my love story. but it doesnt mean its the end of my love for him... and hopefully, his love for me too.. i love you baby. always.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
eighteenth august
itz better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
if you love someone, let him go, and if he never comes back to you, he was never yours to begin with....
the truth hurts. i suppose life itself a sacrifice...mine is so insignificant compared to what others have done. some days, i'm on top of the world...others, i juz wanna dig a hole in the ground and stay there for eternity. i suppose the last month or so has been a major emotional roller-coaster ride for me. but then again, everyone goes thru this at a certain stage in their life. i really resent the fact that people looking at the situation from their point of view seem to dismiss everything. oh, it happens. you'll get over it. wat the fuck. yeah, maybe i sould stop caring so much what people think about me and do what i really want to. this, of course, applies to many aspects of my life. but undeniably, itz over.
"everyone hurts"
sewaktu mula bertemu dulu
kuanggap kau hanya kawan
tetapi telah sudah mesra
berputiknya rasa sayang
pabila kita tidak bertemu terasa rindu dikalbu
akhirnya kita menyedari yang kita sudah jatuh cinta...
wateva happens, happens. i guess life has to go on. but look at me and you can see that while others are moving on at a brisk speed, i'm at the back, dragging my feet. oh well...
the trouble with love is
it doesnt care how fast you fall
and you cant refuse the call
see you've got no say at all
now, i was once the fool, itz true
i played the game by all the rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder, but i'm wiser too
i swore i'd never love again
i swore my heart would never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i hear it call my name......
i wonder why i'm a singer.
if you love someone, let him go, and if he never comes back to you, he was never yours to begin with....
the truth hurts. i suppose life itself a sacrifice...mine is so insignificant compared to what others have done. some days, i'm on top of the world...others, i juz wanna dig a hole in the ground and stay there for eternity. i suppose the last month or so has been a major emotional roller-coaster ride for me. but then again, everyone goes thru this at a certain stage in their life. i really resent the fact that people looking at the situation from their point of view seem to dismiss everything. oh, it happens. you'll get over it. wat the fuck. yeah, maybe i sould stop caring so much what people think about me and do what i really want to. this, of course, applies to many aspects of my life. but undeniably, itz over.
"everyone hurts"
sewaktu mula bertemu dulu
kuanggap kau hanya kawan
tetapi telah sudah mesra
berputiknya rasa sayang
pabila kita tidak bertemu terasa rindu dikalbu
akhirnya kita menyedari yang kita sudah jatuh cinta...
wateva happens, happens. i guess life has to go on. but look at me and you can see that while others are moving on at a brisk speed, i'm at the back, dragging my feet. oh well...
the trouble with love is
it doesnt care how fast you fall
and you cant refuse the call
see you've got no say at all
now, i was once the fool, itz true
i played the game by all the rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder, but i'm wiser too
i swore i'd never love again
i swore my heart would never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i hear it call my name......
i wonder why i'm a singer.
Friday, August 13, 2004
thirteenth august
well well well....... letz juz say lot of stuff has happened in the space of ten days.. i love you darling..i know you read my blog... and to my other faithful followers, i'm sorry but i simply haven't got the time to update it as frequently as i did then.. i've been errrrr........ busy.. anyway, today's happenings.. despite today being an oh-so-unlucky day( friday the 13th for the extremely uninformed) i managed to win something at school...it was dumb actually.. come to think of it, itz also a historical event for me coz I WON A SINGING CONTEST!!!! yes yes... finally, excluding my stints in dikir barat and previous school events, i've got something to show to my grandchildren...see, nenek was good at SOMETHING.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
fourth august
hey hey hey... not in school today coz my head is on a strike...hurts..went on a date yesterday...well i don't realli know whether it can be classified as a date...but yupz, it was ok..he kissed me..haha. i'm at a loss..dunno weder i shd take the risk of going any further...well, to me it seems he likes me more than i like him, which is what i've been wanting anyway, but then again there is a tremendous amt of emotional baggage that comes with all of this...and itz so sudden i muz admit i'm stumped..i never imagined...i used to say whatever happens happens but now i'm afraid of what the future might hold for the both of us.. i think he might get bored and leave me in the lurch within a month. which is not exactly very favourable,izzit... sigh.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
twenty-ninth july
yohohum..... went to the nationals yesterday..hafta admit it was a nice day, in spite of getting drenched for... ard 4 hrs or so... the details are not to be divulged..haha.... anyway, i have just discovered that i'm a victim of abuse.. the school obviously thinks i'm superman's wife. well, hello... how the hell am i supposed to enter a competition and also sing during its interval? datz dumb...well watevalah..i've been complaining that i don't have enough exposure..well here it is right smack in front of my face and all i do is complain as if i've just been robbed of a million bucks .. well in the first place if i had a million bucks i wouldn't be studying in this hellhole. and for once in my life i'm actually home at 4.30..this calls for a celebration. and i had another batang today...felt good.
Friday, July 23, 2004
twenty-third july
yo yo yo.. muahaha. i don't speak like that i hope. today is a dumb day..went home straight after school. den i went to hougang mall and flirted with some singtel guy.oh yah..hehe, today a pipe at the canteen got 'dislocated' and water was gushing out of it and the canteen was flooded. funny...like kampung liddat. of course, when there is trouble, a hero would come along....... lol. tmr gg town with amy... see wassup there..suddenly have this craving for ice-cream..the one amy always eats..sigh.. yum.
farhan is an idiot.. his half an hour probably means tmr morning or something.. but otherwise, i'm happy coz my hp is finally functioning...yay. dunno wat else to say so i guess will talk on monday and update you on wat happened in town.
farhan is an idiot.. his half an hour probably means tmr morning or something.. but otherwise, i'm happy coz my hp is finally functioning...yay. dunno wat else to say so i guess will talk on monday and update you on wat happened in town.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
twenty-second july
today's a fucking day, today's a fucking day for you and me... we'd like to say, we'd like to say fuck off lah dey.....
lame and corny yes i noe...but today's a horrible day and it ended very nicely when i came home and my sis told me nek puteh passed away this morning..inna lillah.
suddenly this has made me sober. life is so fragile..scares me. anyway yesterday i was on pms mode and i got pissed with amy and inez.. itz settled though..i can never stay made at ANYONE for long, even if i try to.. damn..my disadvantage. i did astupid thing yesterday..itz not even like the fucking stadium is anywhere near my place... and i was there for barely an hour only.. i think i've finally lost it. or izzit becoz i've finally met someone interesting enough that i wouldn't get bored within 2 seconds? and mats are bastards..most of them anyway..i'll let you know when i find a nice one. and yeah, yet to find a guy who's willing to wait for marriage before he fucks me..or my friends, for that matter. nymphos, all of you. like usher..well to compliment him, at least he has a great bod. drool drool..hah.
lame and corny yes i noe...but today's a horrible day and it ended very nicely when i came home and my sis told me nek puteh passed away this morning..inna lillah.
suddenly this has made me sober. life is so fragile..scares me. anyway yesterday i was on pms mode and i got pissed with amy and inez.. itz settled though..i can never stay made at ANYONE for long, even if i try to.. damn..my disadvantage. i did astupid thing yesterday..itz not even like the fucking stadium is anywhere near my place... and i was there for barely an hour only.. i think i've finally lost it. or izzit becoz i've finally met someone interesting enough that i wouldn't get bored within 2 seconds? and mats are bastards..most of them anyway..i'll let you know when i find a nice one. and yeah, yet to find a guy who's willing to wait for marriage before he fucks me..or my friends, for that matter. nymphos, all of you. like usher..well to compliment him, at least he has a great bod. drool drool..hah.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
twentieth july
did i spell tuwenti-eth correctly? wadeva. anyway, i had my 4 hours of CIP yesterday at suntec...didn't know dikir peeps still recognised me..it was a pleasant surprise when people started hooting.. i hafta admit i miss being in the 'limelight'..shall have the chance next month. i hate 'the reason'...drives me crazy.. dunno y.. irritates the hell out of me. listening to perfect 10.. and now i'm not so sure about that someone anymore..should i proceed any further or leave things as they are? if it happens, it happens... hmmmm...seems like nothing's gonna happen in the near future. i've straightened my hair but to tell you the truth it still looks pretty much the same to me except that it's lost some volume. and it's back to being maximally damaged.
tomorrow the fucking school's gonna celebrate racial harmony day.. then i'm going over to cck stadium to go watch ppl run..i can't be bothered to bring extra clothes..may as well bring my whole wardrobe right.
i haven't packed the stuff for tomorrow yet so i shall hafta do so soon coz knowing me i'll end up bringing the redundant stuff and the essential stuff's all at home gathering dust and what-nots. i'm going to go get money on thurs... gooooooood. and gotta remember to bring extra extra money tmr coz we're going out..
and it doesn't really matter if we don't eat
it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
no it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all
coz we are so young now, we are so young so young.
are we really that young? one one hand, we are treated like bloddy arseholes without brains yet we're also burdened with increasingly adult worries..what is the world coming to. and i need him. especially now when my world is topsy-turvy.
tomorrow the fucking school's gonna celebrate racial harmony day.. then i'm going over to cck stadium to go watch ppl run..i can't be bothered to bring extra clothes..may as well bring my whole wardrobe right.
i haven't packed the stuff for tomorrow yet so i shall hafta do so soon coz knowing me i'll end up bringing the redundant stuff and the essential stuff's all at home gathering dust and what-nots. i'm going to go get money on thurs... gooooooood. and gotta remember to bring extra extra money tmr coz we're going out..
and it doesn't really matter if we don't eat
it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
no it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all
coz we are so young now, we are so young so young.
are we really that young? one one hand, we are treated like bloddy arseholes without brains yet we're also burdened with increasingly adult worries..what is the world coming to. and i need him. especially now when my world is topsy-turvy.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
eighteenth july
dis is one confused idiot. what the hell am i supposed to do? i can't let this chance slip thru my fingers, but on the other hand, easier said than done. i'm conservative, bacon can fry itself before i'd go up to someone.....shit shit....how how? "forget abt it, pretend that nothing happened" seems to be the most plausible thing to do. i wish i was tad bitchier and meaner..how am i ever gonna get him...seems like never..sigh. heart-broken ayu again..does he even like me? hah.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
fifteenth july
and it HAS HAPPENED!!!!!!! when you most unexpect it, it comes and tackles you down like some beefy brawny rugby player..yes..i am IN LIKE with someone right now..obviously it isn't love lah, it isn't easy for me to fall in love you know.. finally some excitement in my life. but then again, there are always the complications that come with it. but wateva happens, happens i guess. to hell with the other one. his ego is so big he doesn't even realise itz clouding his vision and everything else. not that i'm such a good girl myself but hey, i tried and he still acts like he's got something stuck up his ass. can't blame me for giving up trying to be a civilised bitch. amy n inez are a bit happier with my new choice but unfortunately it doesn't come easy..there are huge obstacles to overcome and i don't really feel up to it unless something happens soon and even then only if i know itz like...for sure or something..otherwise this would probably end up being a one-off thingy..not that i'm bloody certain of anything anyway..itz just mere speculation and wishful thinking on my part...i do wish it would happen though. but knowing me, i'll never do anything abt it. the ball is in his court. or shd i say the baton?
Sunday, July 11, 2004
eleventh july
i am beyond pissed that my last blog wasnt published..it was my most heartfelt one. but i shant try and recreate that. anyway, yes i know i havent been that wonderful a blogger..some days i feel like i gotta tell the world watz gg on, others i feel like keeping to myself..i cant even use actual names. anyway, the euphoria has passed..i am no longer hoping the be THE one. wateva happens, happens. my favourite phase for now. anyway ppl from sabah came over and tmr they're coming again so i shall hafta ask for early leave. recently i've been doing nothing much..flunking hist is still like..ouch so now i'm doing my homework faithfully.. i still have gp then i'm done for the day.. anyway, nothing much has happened in the past few days that's worth mentioning so i shant blabber on. oh ya...my gawd..i was at haig rd the other day wif my family and i was listening to the radio on my hp at the bus-stop when i saw this whole grp of mats wif tattoos...one reaaaaaaalllli cute one was looking at me and he smiled and wave..damnit my dad was there..sigh..melepas. i've just realised how i relish being with bad boys that wateva's happening now, or rather wat happened a few mths ago is such an oddity..well, again, wateva happens happens. i just hope i stay around long enough for that thing to happen. i guess these days i realli need a strong pair of arms to fall back on...i'm losing ground.
Friday, July 02, 2004
heya
today i still have nothing much to say, other than tt i embarrassed myself totally on the way back from raffles city juz now..well it was on the bus actually, going towards sengkang. as u might know, i haven't been feeling well for the past couple of days, then suddenly, i had this urgent urge to cough..i was so afraid it would sound like the phlegmy cough u sometimes hear people have...the kind that makes me turned off.. yah, so i tried to suppress it until i started tearing..realli, i was crying like some sod on the bus..so i had to put up an act and sniffled a bit, wiping the tears away..i swear this nyonya was staring at like i was nuts.. the moment i got off, i walked freaking fast and when all was clear, i coughed to my heart's content...i think i might have some terrible social disorder..i realli do. well itz for me to know anyway.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
wassup dooooog
diz is one sick fella here.. haf i realli tt many sins? retribution i itz mildest form..the flu! couldn't sleep for the paz few nights..went to see the doctor.. got scolded again for not coming sooner.. as soon as he saw me he said yu've got a cold right..lolx
dere's skool tmr..argh..at least monday's a holiday.. hooray, hooray..itz a holi-holiday..........
where the hell am i supposed to get inspiration (muakakakaka ya right) to do the stuff? don't feel up to it...as always things get dumped on my waterlogged head ( hence the flu) and when they go wrong, who gets the blame? any takers? oh me!!! sure! darn it, blame it all on me! i'm a tough li'l cookie... i'll survive somehow, nevermind all the bullshit tt i hafta go thru, but i'll scrape thru. notice the sarcasm.
dere's skool tmr..argh..at least monday's a holiday.. hooray, hooray..itz a holi-holiday..........
where the hell am i supposed to get inspiration (muakakakaka ya right) to do the stuff? don't feel up to it...as always things get dumped on my waterlogged head ( hence the flu) and when they go wrong, who gets the blame? any takers? oh me!!! sure! darn it, blame it all on me! i'm a tough li'l cookie... i'll survive somehow, nevermind all the bullshit tt i hafta go thru, but i'll scrape thru. notice the sarcasm.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
wat did u do
the song by rob something or other is playing... like it. everyone else is at school except for me coz i don't take malay.. going out later..didn't write the past few days coz had stuff on my mind dat i forgot abt the blog.. yesterday was a horrible day..except dat i finally got batang... phew.. felt good. so anyway, itz exam week..someone at skool kinda hates me.. wat did i do to her i do not know. going out wif amy later. at least he knows t i'm pissed. but tt jerk still did it anyway.. inconsiderate idiot.. i was juz beside him..bragging abt his conquests again.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
hypocrites
sometimes i cant help but feel tt i realli cant trust my own supposedly good frens..in the space of a few months alone i've been stabbed in the back so many times that it starting to be part of ayu's life. wat a sad thing to have to happen to someone..cant understand y people i noe are getting so much more hypocritical nowadays..maybe me too, i dunno. it juz hurts a lot to think tt now u cant realli tell ur frens wat ur feeling coz hu knows within the next few hrs or sumtg it will be on the school walls or sumtg for all to see. i might be hypocritical but i do not stab my friends in the back...defeats the purpose of being a fren ryt? unfortunately i cant sa the same for my frens..wat is it tt they feel..jealousy? i haf no idea y they shd be tt way.. they're so much betta in many aspects compared to me..mebbe it makes them feel good, being able to belittle and hurt someone. sadists..okay, maybe not my frens per say but generally friendship doesn't have the connotations to me as it did some time ago..maybe it was always like that, maybe i've just managed to lift my rose-tinted glasses off my nose.. but then again, of course there are exceptions to the rule.. i do noe of people who are realli sincere in their frenships with me. or are they..
anyway, i'm getting realli upset lately coz i've done nothing lately to improve my singing..others have already launched their careers and here i am, still an unknown..the truth is i'm scared of failure, itz become an obsession with me.. i absolutely refuse to take jumps that might be juz wat i needed...or on the other hand, it might break me. that's wat i'm afraid of..people tell me try, you never know wat might be in store for u...i wish i had more faith in myself, like some of my faithful supporters.. i feel like i've let them down somehow but i can't make myself do anithing abt it.. wat do i do now.
anyway, i'm getting realli upset lately coz i've done nothing lately to improve my singing..others have already launched their careers and here i am, still an unknown..the truth is i'm scared of failure, itz become an obsession with me.. i absolutely refuse to take jumps that might be juz wat i needed...or on the other hand, it might break me. that's wat i'm afraid of..people tell me try, you never know wat might be in store for u...i wish i had more faith in myself, like some of my faithful supporters.. i feel like i've let them down somehow but i can't make myself do anithing abt it.. wat do i do now.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
yooooooohooooooo!
aloo darling.... well, had a well-deserved rest... anyway, i juz realised tt i quoted wrongly..in my first entry i wrote something superman said..well actually it was said by spiderman...oopsy doodles... but yes,back to my account on my 'holiday' i spent a few days this week getting fat..swam a lot too, but considering the amt of food i ate, no amt of swimming would ever suffice...and i am such a sucker wen it cums to calling people up..i never do..gulp. i hope i make that phone call soon..okie not much to say now toehr then there are probably no more cute guys around in singapore..was out a lot the past few days and i saw nil..nought...zero.. kosong...waddeshit..dunno wer they went.. well not i'm searching for a guy or anitg..but these kinda stuff a girl cant help but notice..hmzz..gtg and do sum stuff.
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