twenty-ninth july

yohohum..... went to the nationals yesterday..hafta admit it was a nice day, in spite of getting drenched for... ard 4 hrs or so... the details are not to be divulged..haha.... anyway, i have just discovered that i'm a victim of abuse.. the school obviously thinks i'm superman's wife. well, hello... how the hell am i supposed to enter a competition and also sing during its interval? datz dumb...well watevalah..i've been complaining that i don't have enough exposure..well here it is right smack in front of my face and all i do is complain as if i've just been robbed of a million bucks .. well in the first place if i had a million bucks i wouldn't be studying in this hellhole. and for once in my life i'm actually home at 4.30..this calls for a celebration. and i had another batang today...felt good.

twenty-third july

yo yo yo.. muahaha. i don't speak like that i hope. today is a dumb day..went home straight after school. den i went to hougang mall and flirted with some singtel guy.oh yah..hehe, today a pipe at the canteen got 'dislocated' and water was gushing out of it and the canteen was flooded. funny...like kampung liddat. of course, when there is trouble, a hero would come along....... lol. tmr gg town with amy... see wassup there..suddenly have this craving for ice-cream..the one amy always eats..sigh.. yum.

farhan is an idiot.. his half an hour probably means tmr morning or something.. but otherwise, i'm happy coz my hp is finally functioning...yay. dunno wat else to say so i guess will talk on monday and update you on wat happened in town.

twenty-second july

today's a fucking day, today's a fucking day for you and me... we'd like to say, we'd like to say fuck off lah dey.....

lame and corny yes i noe...but today's a horrible day and it ended very nicely when i came home and my sis told me nek puteh passed away this morning..inna lillah.

 suddenly this has made me sober. life is so fragile..scares me. anyway yesterday i was on pms mode and i got pissed with amy and inez.. itz settled though..i can never stay made at ANYONE for long, even if i try to.. damn..my disadvantage.  i did  astupid thing yesterday..itz not even like the fucking stadium is anywhere near my place... and i was there for barely an hour only.. i think i've finally lost it. or izzit becoz i've finally met someone interesting enough that i wouldn't get bored within 2 seconds? and mats are bastards..most of them anyway..i'll let you know when i find a nice one. and yeah, yet to find a guy who's willing to wait for marriage before he fucks me..or my friends, for that matter. nymphos, all of you. like usher..well to compliment him, at least he has a great bod. drool drool..hah.

twentieth july

did i spell tuwenti-eth correctly? wadeva. anyway, i had my 4 hours of CIP yesterday at suntec...didn't know dikir peeps still recognised me..it was a pleasant surprise when people started hooting.. i hafta admit i miss being in the 'limelight'..shall have the chance next month. i hate 'the reason'...drives me crazy.. dunno y.. irritates the hell out of me. listening to perfect 10.. and now i'm not so sure about that someone anymore..should i proceed any further or leave things as they are? if it happens, it happens... hmmmm...seems like nothing's gonna happen in the near future. i've straightened my hair but to tell you the truth it still looks pretty much the same to me except that it's lost some volume. and it's back to being maximally damaged.
 
 tomorrow the fucking school's gonna celebrate racial harmony day.. then i'm going over to cck stadium to go watch ppl run..i can't be bothered to bring extra clothes..may as well bring my whole wardrobe right.
 
 i haven't packed the stuff for tomorrow yet so i shall hafta do so soon coz knowing me i'll end up bringing the redundant stuff and the essential stuff's all at home gathering dust and what-nots.  i'm going to go get money on thurs... gooooooood. and gotta remember to bring extra extra money tmr coz we're going out..
 
and it doesn't really matter if we don't eat
it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
no it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all
coz we are so young now, we are so young so young.
 
 
are we really that young? one one hand, we are treated like bloddy arseholes without brains yet we're also burdened with increasingly adult worries..what is the world coming to. and i need him. especially now when my world is topsy-turvy.

eighteenth july

dis is one confused idiot. what the hell am i supposed to do? i can't let this chance slip thru my fingers, but on the other hand, easier said than done. i'm conservative, bacon can fry itself before i'd go up to someone.....shit shit....how how? "forget abt it, pretend that nothing happened" seems to be the most plausible thing to do. i wish i was tad bitchier and meaner..how am i ever gonna get him...seems like never..sigh. heart-broken ayu again..does he even like me? hah.

fifteenth july

and it HAS HAPPENED!!!!!!! when you most unexpect it, it comes and tackles you down like some beefy brawny rugby player..yes..i am IN LIKE with someone right now..obviously it isn't love lah, it isn't easy for me to fall in love you know.. finally some excitement in my life. but then again, there are always the complications that come with it. but wateva happens, happens i guess. to hell with the other one. his ego is so big he doesn't even realise itz clouding his vision and everything else. not that i'm such a good girl myself but hey, i tried and he still acts like he's got something stuck up his ass. can't blame me for giving up trying to be a civilised bitch. amy n inez are a bit happier with my new choice but unfortunately it doesn't come easy..there are huge obstacles to overcome and i don't really feel up to it unless something happens soon and even then only if i know itz like...for sure or something..otherwise this would probably end up being a one-off thingy..not that i'm bloody certain of anything anyway..itz just mere speculation and wishful thinking on my part...i do wish it would happen though. but knowing me, i'll never do anything abt it. the ball is in his court. or shd i say the baton?

eleventh july

i am beyond pissed that my last blog wasnt published..it was my most heartfelt one. but i shant try and recreate that. anyway, yes i know i havent been that wonderful a blogger..some days i feel like i gotta tell the world watz gg on, others i feel like keeping to myself..i cant even use actual names. anyway, the euphoria has passed..i am no longer hoping the be THE one. wateva happens, happens. my favourite phase for now. anyway ppl from sabah came over and tmr they're coming again so i shall hafta ask for early leave. recently i've been doing nothing much..flunking hist is still like..ouch so now i'm doing my homework faithfully.. i still have gp then i'm done for the day.. anyway, nothing much has happened in the past few days that's worth mentioning so i shant blabber on. oh ya...my gawd..i was at haig rd the other day wif my family and i was listening to the radio on my hp at the bus-stop when i saw this whole grp of mats wif tattoos...one reaaaaaaalllli cute one was looking at me and he smiled and wave..damnit my dad was there..sigh..melepas. i've just realised how i relish being with bad boys that wateva's happening now, or rather wat happened a few mths ago is such an oddity..well, again, wateva happens happens. i just hope i stay around long enough for that thing to happen. i guess these days i realli need a strong pair of arms to fall back on...i'm losing ground.

heya

today i still have nothing much to say, other than tt i embarrassed myself totally on the way back from raffles city juz now..well it was on the bus actually, going towards sengkang. as u might know, i haven't been feeling well for the past couple of days, then suddenly, i had this urgent urge to cough..i was so afraid it would sound like the phlegmy cough u sometimes hear people have...the kind that makes me turned off.. yah, so i tried to suppress it until i started tearing..realli, i was crying like some sod on the bus..so i had to put up an act and sniffled a bit, wiping the tears away..i swear this nyonya was staring at like i was nuts.. the moment i got off, i walked freaking fast and when all was clear, i coughed to my heart's content...i think i might have some terrible social disorder..i realli do. well itz for me to know anyway.

wassup dooooog

diz is one sick fella here.. haf i realli tt many sins? retribution i itz mildest form..the flu! couldn't sleep for the paz few nights..went to see the doctor.. got scolded again for not coming sooner.. as soon as he saw me he said yu've got a cold right..lolx

dere's skool tmr..argh..at least monday's a holiday.. hooray, hooray..itz a holi-holiday..........

where the hell am i supposed to get inspiration (muakakakaka ya right) to do the stuff? don't feel up to it...as always things get dumped on my waterlogged head ( hence the flu) and when they go wrong, who gets the blame? any takers? oh me!!! sure! darn it, blame it all on me! i'm a tough li'l cookie... i'll survive somehow, nevermind all the bullshit tt i hafta go thru, but i'll scrape thru. notice the sarcasm.

wat did u do

the song by rob something or other is playing... like it. everyone else is at school except for me coz i don't take malay.. going out later..didn't write the past few days coz had stuff on my mind dat i forgot abt the blog.. yesterday was a horrible day..except dat i finally got batang... phew.. felt good. so anyway, itz exam week..someone at skool kinda hates me.. wat did i do to her i do not know. going out wif amy later. at least he knows t i'm pissed. but tt jerk still did it anyway.. inconsiderate idiot.. i was juz beside him..bragging abt his conquests again.

hypocrites

sometimes i cant help but feel tt i realli cant trust my own supposedly good frens..in the space of a few months alone i've been stabbed in the back so many times that it starting to be part of ayu's life. wat a sad thing to have to happen to someone..cant understand y people i noe are getting so much more hypocritical nowadays..maybe me too, i dunno. it juz hurts a lot to think tt now u cant realli tell ur frens wat ur feeling coz hu knows within the next few hrs or sumtg it will be on the school walls or sumtg for all to see. i might be hypocritical but i do not stab my friends in the back...defeats the purpose of being a fren ryt? unfortunately i cant sa the same for my frens..wat is it tt they feel..jealousy? i haf no idea y they shd be tt way.. they're so much betta in many aspects compared to me..mebbe it makes them feel good, being able to belittle and hurt someone. sadists..okay, maybe not my frens per say but generally friendship doesn't have the connotations to me as it did some time ago..maybe it was always like that, maybe i've just managed to lift my rose-tinted glasses off my nose.. but then again, of course there are exceptions to the rule.. i do noe of people who are realli sincere in their frenships with me. or are they..

anyway, i'm getting realli upset lately coz i've done nothing lately to improve my singing..others have already launched their careers and here i am, still an unknown..the truth is i'm scared of failure, itz become an obsession with me.. i absolutely refuse to take jumps that might be juz wat i needed...or on the other hand, it might break me. that's wat i'm afraid of..people tell me try, you never know wat might be in store for u...i wish i had more faith in myself, like some of my faithful supporters.. i feel like i've let them down somehow but i can't make myself do anithing abt it.. wat do i do now.

yooooooohooooooo!

aloo darling.... well, had a well-deserved rest... anyway, i juz realised tt i quoted wrongly..in my first entry i wrote something superman said..well actually it was said by spiderman...oopsy doodles... but yes,back to my account on my 'holiday' i spent a few days this week getting fat..swam a lot too, but considering the amt of food i ate, no amt of swimming would ever suffice...and i am such a sucker wen it cums to calling people up..i never do..gulp. i hope i make that phone call soon..okie not much to say now toehr then there are probably no more cute guys around in singapore..was out a lot the past few days and i saw nil..nought...zero.. kosong...waddeshit..dunno wer they went.. well not i'm searching for a guy or anitg..but these kinda stuff a girl cant help but notice..hmzz..gtg and do sum stuff.

home

i have just returned home..well a few hours ago anyway..spent 10 hrs in the pool today and yesterday..not tt much darker, thankfully..the pool was a bit shaded... i am aching ALL OVER I tell u..well i've got stuff to attend to now.. will be back tomorrow..watching a movie btw tmr..yay...

again

5 min to maghrib. i still have some time left. its stuffy in my room, with the door closed. mummy will scream if i switch the air-con on. i suppose i'm getting spoilt these days. pampered brat..well not pampered, but still bratty anyway.
i seriously wonder how people can write just one paragraph and be done with it. i am one long-winded fella. it bcomes a novel, i tell u..except no one's buying..my i'm getting boring. write more tomorrow.

fourth oneee...

its about 5.35 p.m as I write this. Btw, nowadays I dun write str8 into the blog..i write it on scraps of paper b4 transferring it into the blog later..

the weather is extremely windy, and i sit at the study table near the window, eating my honey choc muesli bar. i see families running for shelter. its about to rain.

my thoughts are calm at the moment. then the curtain suddenly whips itself across the window and i am denied the oppurtunity to look out, to see whether by chance i would see someone familiar walk past. prince charming, perhaps?

the silence in my room is shattered by the sound of the wrapper being crushed by me. gotta stop writing. need to throw the wrapper before it becomes part of the furniture in my room. now it doesnt seem so dark anymore.

my trail of thoughts are interrupted by a bike. another accident involving one happened in the family again. door from one of the neighbours' slams. i feel the cool air on my skin, wishing now that the weather would be agreaable tomorrow. have plans. i now tie my hair in a ponytail, wondering why it cant grow any faster. need extensions maybe. the times when i was younger..short hair. much like a boy's. when hari raya came, i wore long-sleeved shirts and trousers. unlike other girls who wore lovely dresses with their long flowing hair. maybe that's why i'm quite feminine these days. i dunno. well that happened in my primary school days anyway.

i look at the condo across the road and i wonder, would i ever own a house like that, bigger maybe? IF I worked hard, I would, probably. if, if if and a whole lot of ifs. life sure is full of ifs. neither u nor i know what tomorrow might bring.

the air is still. the house is not quiet anymore, my brother done with his bath. i look around me and i see many things- my computer, my tape recorder which i've long since put to good use, my files and among other things, a huge purple teddy-bear I received for my birthday last year. i miss being in a girls' school. there, nobody cared whether your hair was out of place or you didn't have eyeliner on. nobody thought twice about pulling their blouses from under their pinafores, adjusting them. sitting in an unladylike manner. the tkgs cheer. screaming girls. nobody cared about moribus modestus.

in a blink of an eye i'm now 17, and yet the memories of the first day of school seems like it was just yesterday. being approached by the prefect," excuse me, but you don't need to button this." gesturing towards the first button on my blouse that was denying me of much air. i was a geeky kid, yeah.

i scratch my nose. the room needs dusting. got back most of my voice, thankfully. guess there's not much to say now. barney's loving me in the background. time for a bath.

hooray..third one coming up

suddenly dis idiot feels the need to update her blog every 1/2 an hr..hah.. well, nutg much happened in past few hrs..except mebbe tt i finally watched the o.c to find out waddeheck is all the hype abt.. seems like anoder blah show to me.. so shoot me, o.c fanatics..i AM entitled to my own opinion, am i not.. i haf juz deleted 3 yrs' worth of journal entries..i shall definitely live to regret my stupid actions.. beginning to feel pangs of regret..and hunger now. although i pretty much scoffed wateva's in the fridge..dis dodol is gg to bcuma real lazy fat-ass if she doesn't snap out of it..

anyway, recently i had the pleasure of learning a new song. unfortunately it wasnt for me but waddeheck..itz a new song all the same.. the thrill of learning the lyrics, of knowing that fewer than a smattering of ppl noe the song..oh how heavenly..i wonder if anyone shares my sentiments.. darn, my nose is running again...in ard 45 min my mum will be back, so i dun think i can write much..i need to pretend dat i'm asleep. not that i can get much written if she's ard anyway, she'll be barging in every few minutes demanding why i haven't washed the dishes, y the kitchen light is still on, y i'm not asleep yadda yadda. o btw, u lucky fellas, my mum's asking for 20 000.. i shall die a horribly wrinkled spinster. but i don't need any saving, thank you very much. i'm trying to convince myself that i shall be able to survive on my own.. tt remains to be seen.. anyhow, my eyes are kinda drooping..o btw, my bro fell of the bed laz nyt..i was on the com when THUD! ouch.

he was crying so being the ever caring and loving elder sis i shouted in a raspy voice ( i lost my voice AGAIN for the uninformed) adek! scalpel pls! den i was telling my bro..keep still i think i need to suture ur head..o dear..the blood is spilling over..get me a rag pls! haha..kk i guess i'm writing utter rubbish..i'm juz typing watz on top of my head act...gd morn..more nxt tym..

?

i'm sitting here alone up in my room..and thinking bout the times that we've been thru..

today, the 17th of june. can't say that i dont love him, cant say dat i do. dere's definitely something though. cant figure out wat it is.. infatuation? mebbe, hu knows. anyway, stuck at home as always. letting life pass me by. everyone else seems so occupied, so full of life. oh btw, i havent studied for the exams. procrastination is my middle name. which is detrimental.duh.

last night i overdosed on food again. seems to be my way of dealing with stuff. i noe itz not good, but i guess it better than jumping off the building or slitting my wrists, not that i've contemplated doing so, not for a long time anyway.. i'm a coward, ending up juz crying my lungs out at the end of the day.. apalah upaya diriku wanita.. dan yang tinggal kini kelukaan...

sometimes i wonder why MY friends are called frens at all. they're more like fiends, if u understand wat i mean. only there when they want sumtg from me; when there's no one else AT THE MOMENT that they wanna tok to.. or they juz wanna siphon knowledge abt that latest cute guy from me.. so.. plastic. if it weren't for guys i doubt we would be speaking much..how typical of frenships nowadays.. i tk itz losing itz meaning. so hypocritical. the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. just that some are much bigger players than the rest. mebbe i am one too.. hu am i to say.

if music be the food of love, play on.. i don't even know if i've quoted correctly.. amusing, the time when i was involved in sum lit thingy..me and sutha did a tango..she had a rose btw her lips..i tk it was in sec 3. seems like so much fun compared to the bullshit i'm doing nowadays. mebbe itz true. i shd get a life. if i were to pursue wat i wanted, oh, i'd disappoint my family. dont bother abt wat the pros say, tt i can make it big. hahahahha. wat a laff.not tt i realli believed them. no ayu, u wldn't want that, would u? tsk tsk.

dun even mention relationships to me. no 'love' life to spice it up a little. so blah. all i look forward to these days is to sleep my boredom away..oh, and smoking.

1st entry here

okay..i have decided to do away with the old entries which don't seem to make sense anymore..i know ur not supposed to do that, defeats the purpose of having a blog, but hu cares..itz mine anyway. today has been a boring day, went mengaji and all.. itz 11.38, my sisters n bro r watching robocop n i'm still on the com..as if that isn't common every-day stuff for us..don't know what to say so i shall juz say gd nyt i guess..more next time wen i figure out some more mundane stuff to tell u..o, won't b in during the weekend..hafta b sum makcik kaypoh coz my kuz getting engaged n he wants me to help out..wif wat, i dunno..help finish up the food i guess..o ya, went back to tkg wif bebeh n dayak juz now.. had fun screaming at dis poor girl.. i'm the sort who will juz gif a sweet smile even tho u bumped into me and almoz caused me to sprawl face-flat on the ground.. but today, juz once, i lost it and screamed at her " alamak! buta ke?" i muz admit it felt good after tt.. being pushed around has itz limits.. i'm still feeling like blah ..itz been 3 days..hope i'll get over it..it seems like such a trivial thing to get upset abt.. n toking abt dat reminds me of skool..i haf sum project to handle on my own..god help me..as superman says, with great power comes great responsibility..to hell wif dat at this moment.
(wrote this on the 11th..has since then shifted here..meaning i moved this entry from my prev. blog thingy.)