twenty-fifth november

yesterday i went out wif my classmates... jalan raya... akbar, how do u 'jalan tak tepat'?? muahahahaha...inside jokes r the devil i tell u... i looked like a maniac at junction 8 laffing my ass off ( especially wif the vibrant hair-colour and the fact that i was almost sitting down at the traffic-light) it was so fun..i think we ate mee like..3 times yesterday..i'm amazed they could still swallow the same food again at 11.30 at night WIF RELISH.. the wonders of human capabilities... i start work on monday (i think) yayayayay.. *$$$$$$*$$$$$$$*

i am starting to enjoy life as a single person again... so fun 'changing partners' yesterday..pissed wif one, juz grab another!!! jokinglah, obviously.... tomorrow i hafta go to bloody toh tuck for some moronic event. they're gonna make me sing, as usual i think... and my handphone is such a bloody bugger i tell u..... dont bother sms or calling it ok.. call my houz. and how come i'm having my period NOW??????? didnt i juz get it 2 wks ago? after i came out frm hospital my menstual cycle has adopted this freakingly irritating erratic behaviour.. well itz betta than not getting it i guess.

can i sue smrt for plastering petrol or what seems like crude oil on my kain? fuck lah, i only wore that baju once and it got stuck in the elevator thingy..thank god it didnt tear when i had to yank it off the steps... and the worst part is oil stains ur stuff..arghhhhhhhhhh!

suddenly i feel like dating again.. i noe i said i've had enough of it for a long long time but lately i'm realising what fun i'm giving up. of course this time the criteria is a lot stricter,duh.....

which bring me to this.. do i have a THIRD PARTY sign hanging ard my neck or written on my forehead? recently, there's dis guy hu came to my houz to get something frm me (at midnight..) then he started contacting me, being lovey-dovey and all.. i kinda scared him away when i kept bugging him abt whether he was attached or not.... btw, he said he wasnt... but i did my own sleuthing and i found out that indeed he WAS attached!!!!!! and guess wat... he was attached to my friend, and she's like..15???? she's frm the dk grp tt i used to be in and they all call me mummy..can u imagine me taking my "daughter's" boyfriend????????? no way in hell, man... i didn't even like him anyway..well even if i did there was absolutely no chance of us getting together bcoz of what happened recently.. and she's MY FREN!!!!!!! so young and all... (tak tergamak aku nak buat gitu kat dia, or anyone else for that matter.( nevermind that i loved that particular someone like hell.)this juz had to happen, of course...but at least he's responsible enough to apologise for having a crush on me...weird weird world. thank god i checked abt him...phew.


well well.... i'm just waiting for the BIG BANG... and when he comes, he'll be ALL MINE. yeah baby.no doubts abt it.

eleventh november

heyyyyyyy... hahahahhahaha..i was recently at my frenster thingy and this freaky guy kept messaging me about gg to malaysia to go catch snakes and whether i wanted to join them..then he told me he was bitten by one and had to forfeit ten days of his puase..... riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhttt... I CARE! I REALLY DO! my pooor baby... weird guy... hahaha.

and my youngest sis has become a woooomaann. she got her period a few days ago. funny, coz all my life she has been 'a baby' and now i realise hey, she's grown up too.... well i cant exactly escape from that fact since she's almost as big (or small??) as i am and she's only 11...


u noe ***** is such a bastard. dunno wat i saw in him also. is it so hard to juz tell me he hates me? at the very least, he dosnt love me ryt, after how he's treated me (which is worse than cow dung, for the uninformed) so JUZ FREAKING TELL ME MAN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? NO GUTS AH?
sorry, juz felt like screaming. n i hate myself for this particular thing that only i know...stupid stupid me.

n i hate the fourteenth of whateva month. it sucks. yes itz hari raya dis month, but itz also...argh. stupid date. i shd never have gone to all these places, getting soaked and all. not worth it lah in the end. i shd haf stuck to my first impression of him....they always do count, dont they?


but it has happened. i dunno what i'm gonna do if i see him again ( letz guess - run away?) o i forgot..he's dead to me. n yet..................................

eighth november

mak oi.....kaki aku sakittttttt... went to geylang AGAIIIIIINNN... was a good girl n didnt buy anything though... does mee hoon goreng count? but it was soooooooo tasteless... tak sedap lah..or izzit my tastebuds? i'm getting sick of my pink blog... never liked pink actually.

going to town tomorrow maybe...meeting my bebeh, or the group.. see how things go. i look like a golden monkey!!!! i had to rush the other day while dying my hair so i couldnt really monitor the colour..den whoa!!!!!!!!!!! shall redo it some other day..at least no one's snickered yet.

sayu.......hati ini makin sayu...... hari raya in 6 days' time, if i'm not mistaken... i don't feel anything actually. i dont have anything or anyone special to celebrate with. in case you detect a tinge of sadness, well yeah.... it is hari raya after all.. but before u go on a tirade on how the idiot manipulated me n stuff, I AM FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all right, so stop bugging me... n yes the next one i snag will be one hell of a guy, don't worry. yes, a single one. i dunno how i'm gonna accomplish that but i'm sure there's still a nice guy out there. goodness, i make this sound like the end of the world. i wanna go out and have fun tomorrow...............yippee.

i have to alter all of my kebayas... even though i'm a bigger pig now, i still hafta make do with xxs and STILL alter it...leceh ah. thank god my mum can sew... wonder what the hell akbar is doing studying thai... n what all the hype abt ikhlas all about..well i shall leave the mystery for now and go grab a drink from the kitchen... c ya after raye i guess. ciao.



i'll be bak.

second november

so itz fixed. i shall be slaving another year of my life at this skool, gettting my ass ready for the a's....... blank on whether itz good or not..i did get promoted, not merely advanced so there's the wow factor there...anyway here's what miss ng wrote to me:

hello! you've got guts,courage. Not many can say that of themselves. You've overcome obstacles others do not have the courage to face. Take 2004 as one where the 'Ayu' I know triumphed. That is true strength. There will be other tough patches, take this year as a sign- knowledge; that, there's something, something special in you. SMILE -!


can i just say that she is one sweet lady? i never thought myself as a strong person but more and more i'm realising that people think i am.. well those that dont think i'm a slut anyway. i think i've had it up to here with all the lies guys give me. i am sure to give u one swift kick in the ass the moment there's a hint of a lie that you're attempting to tell me and i swear after what i've been through, i am not lying. yes i still love ***** despite knowing that he is one gutless idiot, but that's all there is to it. i love him but i do not wish for whatever happened between us to reoccur. but i won't say that it will never happen again because we can only plan but God determines it, but it sure hurts a damn lot. the blood tests yeah, but the emotional pain is superb man, i tell u... y the hell do the teachers think i'm some prodigy? i'm such a slob..i never studied since psle, seriously..i pay attention just enough to barely scrape through every year. i thought well...this year this is it, your luck runs out girl but no!!!!!!!!!! i guess i suffered enough during the relationship n all that it wasnt right for me to suffer anymore...hahahaha. absolute crap ah? but for those who dont believe in me i'm going to grab hold of that mass communications degree and shove it up your ass where the sun dont shine babe.... and when i want to do something i will do it. so dont get me hot and bothered boy because it sure aint a pretty sight when this girl gets pissed.... (though i cool down easily :P)

my ass hurts from the gym workout, man.... havent gone there in years...but shiok lah, sweating it out..... must do it more often.

twenty-ninth october

heeeeeeey..... not in school today...damn shagged lah. my resolution for this month is not to contact ***** anymore................. wen i think back, i realise what a horrible bastard it was i fell in love with. he was never there wen i was sick and puking my guts out. wen i was in skool almost blacking out from the stuff he refused to come and see me even though he damned well knew he was what i wanted to see, if it was the last thing i ever saw in my life. i'm amazed he came to see me in the hospital, but being the coward he is he had to drag kai along.i was his girlfriend cant he come see me by himself? i suppose he's the type of guy who would run away if he got a girl pregnant...and of course, like in my case the girl gets all the blame and labelling. not that i'm pregnant.just putting things in perspective so that you can see what a dumb fool i've become because of love. but i wont discount myself further by saying that maybe it wasnt love because undeniably it was...and little bits of it still lingers although much of it has been replaced with anger now. if he really loved me he really needs to learn how to show it properly. i'm not a sado-masochist you know. love shouldnt equal to pain all the time.

i've pretty much fought hard to stop thinking about him and i've kinda succeeded, hanging around nuts like rahimah, azhar, aisyah, akbar and the lot....horrible hooligans, all of them... but i really appreciate the roaringly maniacal sessions we have in the library.. i dont even mind the huge purple bruise rahimah gave me on my thigh. itz only wen itz late at night and your frens are not there beside you and the laughter and smiles have all faded away that i get emotional and then i message him... but i always end up angry... that's all i can do anyway, get angry, cry myself to sleep, make a resolution to not contact him but always breaking it. i wish i had the strength to stop all this bullshit. he is doing me a favour by not replying of course. I would be a truly happy person if only i could just push all this aside and carry on..but i believe i'm almost there.. actually i'm surprised that i'm relatively okay now.. i thought it would drag on, the tears and all for a few months at least but now i can manage to survive a few days without feeling remorse or wateva..maybe deep down i always knew this bastard has been hurting me all this while and what i really needed to do was to get out of this horrible mess..and now i have.

my mum juz woke up. i cant fast so i'm going to a pamper myself by baking brownies and eating the whole batch up all by myself..yuuuuuuuummmmmie.

twenty-fifth october

ooooooooooh....lookyyyy... there's a tear in her eye...oh, that poor dearie.. all that while thinking in your mind what an absolute floozie... she certainly asked for it.

now i don think of ***** all that much, in fact hardly, but it kinda gets annoying wen one kaypohchi after another comes up to me and insists on being a shrink... trying to get inside my head, eh?

one more time one stupid sodding sonofabitch or daughterofabitch does that i will yank their hairpiece out. there is only so much that i can take from you guys okay. i was perfectly fine until you told me to step into your darling office and proceeded to relive the horrors of my relationship.

you guys think i'm some bloody mothafucking slut who deserves to be burnt at the stake for what i did. yes, yes the sodding bitch who steals someone else's guy. hey, watch out, maybe itz your guy i'm out for next.

for goodness sakes... i loved him ok? and yup, maybe it was one-sided as you all kept drilling into my brain.... well, sorry for 'fantasising' lah! the school shrink thinks i fantasise about him...gawd... funny or wat?? well if you read the stuff he sent me you certainly'd think i wasnt the only one. but yes yes, i love him still, very much... but no, i'm not going to go begging him because my pride has been hurt again and again and again by this guy who claims he loves me but in actual fact doesn't. well i don't know. doesn't seem like it anyway. if he does, what u gonna do, sue me?

i so wanna leave the bloody skool and get a job..meet some proper hassle-free guys, not fall in love with them as usual...see, that's what i was about some time ago....until i fell recently...HARD. girl, you got lotsa stuff to learn still... except, cant fate be a little easier on me? now that i'm perfectly sure i am absolutely capable of loving someone, and smooching them, i guess itz not so bad after all huh....

i juz wish you wouldn't think so badly of me...or him for that matter. as much as i feel he could have dealt with matters in a better way, i dont blame it. we were all none the wiser when it came to this situation. now that itz over and done with, i hope i can move on soon with life...i wont forget him, certainly, but he'll be juz a part of the hazy past, part of my mistakes and one that i certainly will learn from...so yup...... tears do dry up one day.

love doesnt have to hurt. i've let him go and i hope he's happy whatever he's doing right now. although admittedly things arent fine and dandy betweeen us, i still do love him...always will i guess, although perhaps not in the way i did then..... and i thank him for those wonderful moments we had the past three months...

AYU N ***** ------ 14th july - 15th october.

twentieth october

hey....itz over. me n ***** r n0t together anymore. get this in your heads. BROKE UP. on the fifteeenth of october. shall not dither on that...what's the point.

today has been a boring day, one exactly like the day before. and the day before. and the day before. itz the 6th day of fadting, and itz kinda good this year. don realli feel hungry...

eh... dunno wat else to write lah.. o yeah, played charades today... salwa kinda choked me today coz i got the answer right. heh. all's fair in love and war... i knew i'd get that right. been there done that got the t-shirt babes....

and mummy had made this an amazing day for me, finally... she has actually offered to pay for me to rebond my hair!!!! i didn't even ask her... my bro juz came up to me and said " kak ayu, can i have your sim card? n o ya, mummy cakap die nak rebondkan your rambut." yaaaaaaaaaaaay! but honestly, my hair has lost its curls now. used to have those nice nice curls when i was younger but they kinda grew out i guess... and also coz of the frequent straightening and colourings and what-nots.
alah..more next time.

twentieth october

fifteenth october

well well well....so far so good... no hunger pangs yet.heh. the house is empty again. i'm home an awful lot these days. anyway, went out with my bebeh laz nyt. itz my anniversary and instead of celebrating with him i go out wif her..becoming a habit. but yeah, mebbe wat fahmi said itz true..itz the years that count..and i so badly want to be able to celebrate a year of being with him..then two, three, four..u get the idea.. but just look at our situation. everyday that we r still togther is already a blessing in itself.

right now at this moment i'm kinda resigned to wateva's coming from him. mebbe i am expecting too much. i don't know. but after all that we've been thru i hope we wont let go of this relationship so easily.

feel like going to sleep again although itz only two and i woke up near noon. becoming a fat ass. or so i tot. i weighed myself yesterday n i still didnt gain weight. amazing. but later i will, i always gain weight during the fasting month. my life has stalled for now. stagnant. probably breeding aedes mosquitoes and wat-nots too. eh..i wanna go find the lyrics to the 2play song... nice lah.


anyway, song for the day : unbreak my heart - toni braxton.

take back that sad word goodbye
bring back the joy to my life
dont leave me here with this pain
come and kiss these tears away
i cant forget the day you left
time is so unkind
and life is so cruel without u here beside me
unbreak my heart
say u love me again
undo this hurt you've caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
uncry these tears....
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart
my heart....


malas lah nak type lagi. damn it, i used to pride myself at not being dependent on some pathetic bastard. but now look at what has happened to me! fuck, i miss the sound of his voice. didnt noe it would come to this.

eleventh october

hey.... itz moooooooonday. friday dah start puase...haiyoh... damn tired ever since i came back from the hospital. they must have drugged my food. how ironic. heh. dunno wat to write actually...itz kinda auto that i switch my pc on when i'm alone in the house. gg out in the evening later. maybe lah. depends on my mood. adek gg chalet...unfair.. tmr's malay ao, then thurs is malay a..... n my three month anniversary.. only three months? seems like a lifetime..doubt he remembers anything. but once u love someone...i dunnolah, u can be so blind and even the most cute guy u've ever seen doesnt make u drool anymore. okay who am i kidding.. u still drool lah, but not so much. :P
i reaali wanna go sleep coz i dont feel very good... am eating choc fudge juz like that.... sinful like hell, especially for my voice, but waddeheck. I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!!! hint hint. i dunno watz up wif me and my baby..... no more honeymoon period that's for sure. after promos den we'll sit down and have a looooooooong talk like we're suposed to. have been putting it off for quite some time now.. i realli do feel that i love him, though u guys think itz infatuation. i dont see the need to talk to him for hours at a stretch or meet everyday and coo o my love my darling i love u i miss u letz get married now....itz more of the quiet type of thing...u juz feel it..itz dis warm glow u get when u hear his voice or look at his photo...u juz feel blessed. n after all that's happened he's still there.. i wonder why he hasnt run a million miles away. i asked him if it was out of sympathy.

everything i do (i do it for you) - bryan adams
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

i love you. cant help it.

eighth october

welll... i guess if you were meant to know what happened during the last few days, u wld have by now. so i shant bother writing it down again. all that matters is that whateva issues i have are kinda being settled now..slowly but surely.

n yeah. guez otelli's ryt. wen it comes to matters like this, u realise who r ur true frens... n i'm kinda amazed so many of them came to c me. thank u guys.. anyway...i realli hope you will stop slamming him.. i do love him u noe.... i guess things juz got a bit messy for a while...juz leave us alone to sort out the matter ourselves.... it juz gets worst when everyone tries to 'help' but all u do is complicate matters...... but thanks anyway...i noe u mean well but itz best that the two of us deal with this thing our way... itz something that we should have done a long time ago anyway.

first october

sama sama maju kehadapan...seems like so long ago... heh. still get excited when i see the school bus going past. i think itz the same uncle. puasa sooooooooon! gulp.

anyway, nothing much ah today...dunno wat to write. oh yeah, went to toh tuck campus today.. faezah and eli made me cry...damnit. itz as if they know what's going on... n yup, i was the only one bawling in there. okay, to give myself credit, it was only me and maira over there. well after that thingy, at least sham was right beside her and he kissed her. who do i have? when i opened my eyes, all i saw was faezah and eli trying not to gape at me, and i wanted to punch the mirror coz i realised what a weak person i've become.
o ya...sham said i lost a lot of weight... reaali ah? i feel the same.. just burdened with problems...feels heavier actuali.

anyway eli squeezed the air out of me.. she hadn't seen me for a long time apparently. heh. i kinda miss being busy. the musical. and singing. sigh. tmr's farhan's bro's wedding. dunno weder gg or not. he hasnt replied yet. and sunday's mega perdana..finals. not gg. don think i'm up to it. feel so tired these days.

sigh. 3 weeks. itz as if we were a million miles away. i juz wish it wasnt so difficult. bleargh. again, i'm wishing i have the strength to say goodbye but i know it wont do any good. love is so bloody blind.

twenty-sixth september

heya... nothing grand happened so not much to report....went to the beach today... was fun.... anyway, exam's on the ninth.... oooooooouch. studying later after i unclog some matters from my brain... i like 2play's song..... used to hate it like the devil but it kinda grows on you i guess... yawn yawn... o ya, went back to my old place in hougang yesterday wif my peeps.... miss it soooooo much...the food there is still good. made me realise how much the school food stinks...anyway i am on painkillers and vitamins now..bugger. otherwise, this week has been bleaaaahh.. NOT! i shall not be a sad pathetic loser so i shall focus on positive thoughts. sigh... tok another day i guess...my brain's on a holiday. since when was it not, anyway? hah.

ninteenth september

i think i noe wat cikgu meant when he said i was gonna die on the eigthteenth...not physically... emotionally. i dunno how the hell that conclusion regarding me was made. itz so bloody unfair. anyway tonight things shall be sorted out.



Something happened on the 7th of september but i am not in a position to divulge the information.. anyway, yup, here i am banging on the keys again, trying to make some sense out of my thoughts that are, frankly, muddled...

Ok scrap that. I needddddd to sllllleeeeep! Mind you, its only three now.. i have become such a couch potato these days..but no beer belly, no chance of that happening..must get out more!! And end up spending more, of course... there’s always the downside of things huh..damn.. i wanna go to the beach!! Hint hint hint...ok forget the subtle hint... here’s ayu hollering I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH YOU MORONS!!!! SOMEONE ASK ME LAH!!! actually i just went yesterday..wanna go again..hehe.


Ouch. Sorry if i made your eardrums burst or something. Do i write like a bimbo? Ok scrap that.bimbos dont even bother writing in blogs.. yes tell me again you fellas..ayu have you got nothing betta to do? Sorry to disappoint you guys but contrary to popular belief, i really do not have a life, other than staring at my own face on my handphone’s wallpaper and idly poking the buttons. So...yup yup... what else is there to talk about....yawn yawn... hey cut me some slack ok... i am not the most interesting person around i noe but at least i do get out once in a while.

I remember what kak nana said when she first heard me ( btw, i hate microphones, karaoke n recorded versions of my songs/voice. The only time i sound reasonably okay is live. Which is bad, since if i wanna do records they would obviously hafta be in recorded form. What the hell did i just say? I DID NOT MAKE SENSE. B-I-M-B-O) was that i dont sound like a fifteen year old. She said i sound like i’ve been singing all my life.. kinda close to the truth. Ever since i was maybe four? (And for the uninformed, i am seventeen and four months now, thank you very much)

Ok...watch out.. ayu’s going to tell a grandmother’s story again..grab your pillows.. and bolsters....hahahahahaha. the first time i sang in front of more than a hundred peeps was a wedding.. i was five then.. my aunt still has the tape.. i was one hot babe then... woohoo! *whistle* anyway,i sang this song lah, called janji manismu by aisyah... i remember some guy took out the flowers from the vase on the table and gave them to me... i didnt exactly remember lah, until one day i went over to my aunt’s n she played her wedding vcd
(converted from the tape).... during that time i was already actively performing.. ok that’s an understatement. I’ve been performing all my life.. what i meant was singing, because, ironically, i did acting and emceeing when i was younger. i didn’t sing much when i was in pri school or early sec school... only when i was in sec 3 then i suddenly hit my head on the wall and started to sing A LOT on stage, although i’ve been singing in the bathroom all my life. So ya... it was then that it hit me ( am i a klutz or wat...hit here hit there...) that maybe this was what i wanted to do... and i guess i have to thank my ex-boyfriend for opening so many doors for me during the time that i was in dikir barat.. he’s more of a brother now though n i miss him... anyway, yupz...had offers but not taking them up anytime soon.. i want to be under a good label anyway. Not trying to be haughty here but a good label really makes a difference...... but studies first of course... MASS COMMMMMMMMMMMMUNICATIONNNNS!

fifth september

i suppose everything happens for a reason huh... i cant possibly say that i'm reaalli happy wif the way things are going but i guess i'll juz hafta put up wif it and hope for the best.. *fingers are crossed* anyway, yup...on a lighter note..i'm in the hundredth percentile for gp.... yayayay.... dat means no one got higher marks than i did..by chance only lah... but i've got a feeling he's my lucky charm.... i've been lucky in moz aspects...except probably relationship-wise.... sigh...

i've been very...ermmm..i dunno... fascinated i guess by these particular paragraphs i've read from this book nana brought home :

Nick was willing to let her do anything, anything to him, except to leave him. That he would not let her do. " Lauren, please let me -"

" No!" she cried hysterically. "Stay away from me!"

She tried to run, and Nick caught her by the arms. She turned on him like a demented weeping wildcat, struggling wildly, striking out at him ( my gawd, that so sounds like me... i have been such a bitch lately, venting my anger on him) "You bastard!" she screamed in hysterical, maddened pain, pounding on his chest, his shoulders. "You bastard!I begged you on my knees!"

It took all of Nick's strength to hold her until her fury was finally spent and she collapsed against him, her slim body racked with wrenching sobs. " You made me beg-" she wept brokenly in his arms."-you made me beg".

Her tears tore at his heart , and her words slashed him like knives. He held her, staring blindly ahead, remembering the beautiful,laughing girl who had walked into his life ( ya for me i didn't walk into his life..i hobbled...he sprinted into mine... ok corny.) and turned it upside down with her glowing smile ( yup...i like his smile too..)

"What happens if this slipper fits?"
"I turn you into a handsome frog"

His eyes stung with remorse and he closed them. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry"

Lauren heard the raw ache in his voice, and she felt the wall of icy numbness she'd built around herself beginning to melt. She fought to blank out the exquisite beauty of being in his arms again, of being pressed against his big, strong body. (i miss that too..a lot)

In the lonely weeks of sleepless nights and angry desolate days ( i can relate to that too), she'd come to the conclusion that Nick was incurably cynical and hard ( i called him a liar and a bastard ...sorry baby). His mother's desertion had made him that way, and nothing she herslf could do would ever change him. He would always be capable of shutting her out of his life and coldly walking away from her, because he would never really love her.



and that is what i'm afraid of. and that's why my insecurities always make me lash out at you becoz i'm so scared of losing u.. not that i even have you in the first place of course. and i do feel like a beggar. but only because.. u noe... sometimes u try as hard as possible to forget that person... at times you almost succeed.. those are the times when i can summon the courage to 'yell' at you... to work up enough anger to make myself hate you...then i break down and realise that i love you far too much and there's no turning back. i was really afraid when you told me you loved me for the very first time. i told you not to say it if u didn't mean it. i know you always had a hard time trying to get me to say 'i love you' but believe me.. i wanted to say it but i was afraid then that if you realli knew what you meant to me, you would leave. anyway.. i love you.

twenty-sixth august

aloooo... went to tekong yesterday... saw this cute mat.. but don't worry, i remembered to control myself...didnt go beyond a sheepish grin from him and a smile from me... i am a loyal fool. =) (although for the life of me i dunno y) oh come on ayu who r u kidding...hehe.

tomorrow i've gotta audition for some thingy... don mess up...go ayu! see how pathetic dis moron can get? hehe.. anyanyanyanyway, i finally ate junk food today..after two weeks of abstaining from it. today i came home at 5 ++ coz i was so darn bored..didn't teach tuition today.. i didnt know they had durian at botanic garden...or was it a joke? ah wateva lah... love life....non-existent now..... i'm so freaking sleepy right now.. o ya..i diagnosed cikgu's illness correctly the other day..maybe i shd go for a career switch...to a doctor?????? selamatlah korang. quack doctor..or bomoh..can u juz imagine? hehehehe...cikgu was telling us dat he can't control his sudden bouts of....errmmm..sleeping and i said..oh..u got sleep apnea ah... wah..pandai seh minah ni...

and i told aisyah abt banshees and stuff... quantum physics...action je lebih... hehe... y am i blogging in malay? o ya..me and shahidah had this INTELLECTUAL conversation juz now in the library, saying we need to memartabatkan bahasa melayu... tok cock only. i did a whole lot better for history this time around.yay... but my essay out of context. fucker. studied wrong topic.. forgot what happened in the yr the qn was referring to..

my gawd i'm one hell of a boring blogger..shall only write when truly necessary next time. and forgive my previous entry...jiwang seh minah ni.

twenty-second august

sigh...where do i start... i guess there's not much to say nowadays... maybe everything's that happened lately is for the best.. i'm seriously screwed up.

mengapa kita berjumpa
bercinta dan putus pula

yet the past five weeks have been the happiest i've been in ages. i told him that as long as i know he loves me, it would suffice... but i am lying. i'm such a selfish person. i guess that's why i have to go away. there can never be love in friendship and the way i'm loving him, i guess it's kinda impossible for us to be just friends. how can i, knowing i will never have my hand in his. and yet the knowledge of never hearing his voice, feeling his touch is absolutely grating my heart. the wound from the past hasnt even healed fully yet and now another one has appeared. am i jinxed or something?

i'm so dunb to think for even a single moment that he will choose me. i guess i can never give him what she can. i hope one day the tears that are still falling even as i write this will stop falling. and i will learn to love another person again. but the truth is, i really love him. a lot. and it hurts. y shd people meet, fall in love and then not be able to be together? star-crossed lovers.

i am thinking of you
in my sleepless solitude tonight
if itz wrong to love you
then my heart just wont let me be right
coz i've drowned in you
and i wont pull through
without you by my side

these are some of the smses i wish to immortalise here. because i love him. then, now, and forever.

1st aug : yup yup. good enough to eat. just afraid it'll make me diabetic. you're extra sweet you know.
ah.....do you know that to me you are pretty.

4th aug: a la so boring cant meet you. ok ah next time you sing live for me so i can continue to live. ha ha

a la main main pun tak boleh. I LOVE YOU!

yup i do mean it. i feel very happy when i message you or see you:) but on the phone its tough to talk

i just hope you will be happy in you studies and things you do in life really. i wish i never hurt you or made you cry a single tear.

i really do like you. i swear i do. however everything sucks coz its impossible! I really hate it!
i don know. don cry over me k. i am never worth it. i suck i know.

ayu no! this was never a bet! i walked with you at the bridge remember. then i knew then i liked you. things happened. do you think its advisable to continue?

5th aug : it does not make me happy. but there is no other way. is there any other way dear? please tell me cos i really wanna noe..

no i don regret it. i feel happy though. at least i had a chance to tell you how i feel.

hey are you ok? can u jus relax? pls hate me dump me whatever. stop feeling miserable darling. i hope i can cal you darling forever.

I CANT HELP BUT LOVE YOU. IF TIME WERE REVERSED I WOULD FALL IN LVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.

6th aug : yup and i still mean what i say now. i do love you. just that when you ask me i have to deny. i don wan you to think i fall in love easily. you are special.

7th aug : who says we have to be together for now? why cant we be two people in love?

thank you for saying that. i love you too so so so so much.... you know i feel like crying too cos we cant be together... =(

8th aug : i seriously hope you feel that i am worth all the trouble you are going through.. i sincerely do hope something will come out of this relationship.

9th aug : i dreamt that you scolded me for drinking your lemon tea in school... but in that dream you were my girlfriend =)

ayu its not that i don care or am not jealous. i am pretending not to be. i am just trying to give you a fair chance that's all.i love you too....

15 th aug : why are you so nice and want to sacrifice for me? is there any way i can sacrifice for you too?

19th aug : yay! i don care if people see... as long as i get to see you tomorrow apa nak jadi jadi ah.

21 aug : yes i do very much. but this is simply not feasible. it will never work out. better stop it sooner than later.

it means that i love you but don wan to take it further cos it will only hurt us.

22 aug : whatever for? i would be lying. we are simply a case where we love each other but cant be with each other thats all.



and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of my love story. but it doesnt mean its the end of my love for him... and hopefully, his love for me too.. i love you baby. always.

eighteenth august

itz better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
if you love someone, let him go, and if he never comes back to you, he was never yours to begin with....

the truth hurts. i suppose life itself a sacrifice...mine is so insignificant compared to what others have done. some days, i'm on top of the world...others, i juz wanna dig a hole in the ground and stay there for eternity. i suppose the last month or so has been a major emotional roller-coaster ride for me. but then again, everyone goes thru this at a certain stage in their life. i really resent the fact that people looking at the situation from their point of view seem to dismiss everything. oh, it happens. you'll get over it. wat the fuck. yeah, maybe i sould stop caring so much what people think about me and do what i really want to. this, of course, applies to many aspects of my life. but undeniably, itz over.

"everyone hurts"


sewaktu mula bertemu dulu
kuanggap kau hanya kawan
tetapi telah sudah mesra
berputiknya rasa sayang

pabila kita tidak bertemu terasa rindu dikalbu
akhirnya kita menyedari yang kita sudah jatuh cinta...



wateva happens, happens. i guess life has to go on. but look at me and you can see that while others are moving on at a brisk speed, i'm at the back, dragging my feet. oh well...

the trouble with love is
it doesnt care how fast you fall
and you cant refuse the call
see you've got no say at all
now, i was once the fool, itz true
i played the game by all the rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder, but i'm wiser too
i swore i'd never love again
i swore my heart would never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i hear it call my name......


i wonder why i'm a singer.

thirteenth august

well well well....... letz juz say lot of stuff has happened in the space of ten days.. i love you darling..i know you read my blog... and to my other faithful followers, i'm sorry but i simply haven't got the time to update it as frequently as i did then.. i've been errrrr........ busy.. anyway, today's happenings.. despite today being an oh-so-unlucky day( friday the 13th for the extremely uninformed) i managed to win something at school...it was dumb actually.. come to think of it, itz also a historical event for me coz I WON A SINGING CONTEST!!!! yes yes... finally, excluding my stints in dikir barat and previous school events, i've got something to show to my grandchildren...see, nenek was good at SOMETHING.

fourth august

hey hey hey... not in school today coz my head is on a strike...hurts..went on a date yesterday...well i don't realli know whether it can be classified as a date...but yupz, it was ok..he kissed me..haha. i'm at a loss..dunno weder i shd take the risk of going any further...well, to me it seems he likes me more than i like him, which is what i've been wanting anyway, but then again there is a tremendous amt of emotional baggage that comes with all of this...and itz so sudden i muz admit i'm stumped..i never imagined...i used to say whatever happens happens but now i'm afraid of what the future might hold for the both of us.. i think he might get bored and leave me in the lurch within a month. which is not exactly very favourable,izzit... sigh.