mari dangdut bang....

itz scary when i watch ahan dance sometimes... he's so good that he freaks me out. i miss the jantan and pompuan joget days... it was only a few weeks ago but seems like forever now. anyway this picture was taken by our official Joget Club photographer Siti there in the blue shirt.. the dance was hilarious like i've said before. now when i think back the practices were loads of fun too. i remember one day when we were trying out new moves to incorporate and such... i dunno what the hell we were doing before that but somehow i ended up on akbar's back. that idiot then suddenly walked over to the front of the stage and thereatened to drop me. picture this : this bugger standing at the edge of the stage, about 2 metres high, and me perched on his back, clinging on for dear life. i didnt dare open my eyes. i dont think i would have made it back in one piece if he did drop me and according to aisyah, it looked like he was going to. told you i have a love-hate relationship with him. but then again, let me reiterate that we are just frens. in fact if i ever end up with any of these two...oh nevermind. gawd no thank you. think things are excellent in their current status. do you have a calculator? lol.

kelakar lah you ni

think i've overused a particular word in my vocabulary. idiot. no matter what the occasion, that word always resurfaces. and it doesnt necessarily mean that itz an insult ya. so i guess you can be happy if i call you one. i'm not exactly very lavish with my compliments, especially when it comes to les hommes. but yes, my point is that i am a HUGE ONE.idiot, that is. and in this case i dont mean it in a flattering manner.let me enlighten you. as you might know, i've been mostly bedridden ( hell, memories of things stuck in my veins suddenly appear. and someone's face. shoo.) since sunday, after i've come home from the 'ton' ning session at east coast and a trip to town to see some booty-shakin'. that night i felt weird, had the feeling i was coming down with something. and yeah, remembering what happened the last time i was majorly sick ( earlier this year when i had a horrible horrible bout of food-poisoning) i decided not to take any chances and stopped eating everything within sight like i normally do. i even had the great PRESENCE OF MIND to treat it like a detox session. of course, knowing ayu, it had to go all wrong...you know when you're sick you should never deprive yourself of much-needed things ( like FOOD you dumbass) but yeah, clever me went to do just the opposite. had just a slice of bread each day since mon. the funny thing was i spent the last couple of days in bed worrying that it was another case of food-poisoning because my stomach was on the verge off putting up a sign saying " ENOUGH GARBAGE!" or so i thought....it really was saying " GET MORE FOOD IN HERE YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!" i was actually experiencing hunger pangs.

i feel good now... sambal goreng has never tasted better. yum yum.

a vision of love - that is all that you've given to me

mak...sakit

i am in excruciating pain right now. have been since sunday night. if i dont make it through, i want you to know that i love you very very very much baby. always have and always will. gawd. such a drama mama. but i am in pain. seriously. cant get out of bed except to drink some water and fall back on the bed in a drunken stupor and not see anything else exept the next sunrise. or sundown. and can you believe it, i'm actually craving for lj's now. alas, cant even make it to the kitchen without visualising an oasis there. which is, in fact, probably the water i spilled when it was making its way to my mouth. oopsie. giggle. ooookie..think i'm becoming an utter floozie. back to the bed. dont make me close one more doooooooooooooooooor i dont want to hurt anymore stay in my arms if you dare or must i imagine you there dont walk away from me dont walk away from me dont you dare walk away from me ( wow... becoming quite a threat here. protection order is on its way) i have nothing nothing nothing if i dont have you.................... i'm going nuts. rock a bye baby.....

nyeh

"airmata itu penghapus dosa" stupid me. was cooking something in the kitchen then while waiting for it to boil went to my room and read up a few more pages.... and almost forgot about it. home alone today, so am busying myself in the kitchen experimenting. been out a lot last 2 weeks, spent the night at east coast two days ago, then headed to town to watch my friend. so yupz...got a fever today and i deserve it. ok not much to say but i think my radar senses someone 'new'. poor adam. hate being pressurised into anything, especially relationships. yucks. am 'dating' my friends now. so much better. lol. yum.. the food cooking excellently. can smell it from my room. think i'll have a fag too. ciao.

psycho bitch aye......hahahahaha

come on lah ppl don make me laff u have nothing better to do other than trying to make other ppl miserable izzit..... thank gawd for the others.. i'm showing you hypocrites the door. get out of my life.. this door wont open for you again. well seems like everything i say is taken out of context...and hilariously what i DONT say also surfaces....now who's psycho. but yeah...i'm happy with the way things are now. not farcical or just a show... but something real. and i have him to thank for it. although for us things are gonna be quite difficult, at least itz betta knowing that everything, even the fights, are real and not just a figment of some poor soul's imagination. think i wanna go out today. weather looks sunny enough for a day out. plus i've earned it. and yes, think i am finally over that good-for-nothing. scram you bastard along with the rest of you. itz mutual now that we dont need each other so if you dont mind, the door is open wide. and please remember your manners and shut it behind you. if you have any, that is. lol. all this hurts for now but i know retribution is on the way. and karma...well what goes around comes around. you'll get your fair share, darlings. muacks.. hahahahahaha. wat a funny world we live in. so full of liars, cheats and suck-uppers. i'm not a saint, hell i have done a lot of wrongs...well, enough said. the surface....well u really hafta look deep nowadays. they can say whatever they want to say..try to bring me down...but i refuse to fall. patience has itz own rewards. i'll wait.

one day all this will be behind me and i can juz laugh at all this trivialities....because i know myself better. and i've learnt to respect myself too. so do take your knife from my back and wipe it clean. i dont want any stains on the carpet.

pyscho??? i'll give you psycho. lol. you dont know what YOU'RE talking about. in the meantime grow up and learn to respect yourself and others. learn how to love, unconditionally. learn to forgive. learn about loyalty. THEN you can come and talk to me.

peace be upon you.

ooooooooweeeeeeeee

oh yum baby..... gawd so much stuff happening this week.... kinda confused but i got what i asked for- more excitement... dunno what to think now so i shant speculate....the impossible has also happened... i have learnt the hard way and now whatever happens to me if itz personal i shall be a lot more selective in the people i tell it to...damn you big-mouths. went out the whole of this week..tmr shall head to the beach to pig out..u noe the drill... food food and more food. yesterday went swimming with akbar...damn hilarious i tell u.... next week i dont think i'll be able to go out much..i do have a pending lunch date but i dunno whether i want to or not.. i am NOT bragging here..i'm amused by this sudden surge of interest from men... but thank gawd this time i'm single..and yes more selective again...... juz told someone off last night. well i shall not dither around here and juz tell you that i am very very very happy today. didnt expect to have that kinda feeling again so soon... maybe i've been having it but realising that i do is another matter altogether.

itz not love though. definitely. not yet anyway.

shite

damn.... now i'm NEGOTIATING about a date.... alamak.. shite lah. should i go?????? argh. ok... think i'll go. but weird..i've never gone out on a date with a close friend before...gulp... not used to it.

well there's always a first time.....

was listening to my mc cd and fell in love with a new song now... again, i wonder y i didnt earlier.

love takes time - mariah carey

I had it all
But i let it slip away
Couldnt see that I treated you wrong
Now i wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone

c/o

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that i was blind
To let you go
I cant escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I dont wanna be here.... alone

Losing my mind
from this hollow in my heart
Suddenly i'm so incomplete
Lord I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly

c/o
You might say tt itz over
You might say tt you dont care
You might say you dont miss me
You dont need me
But i know tt you do and i feel tt you do...
Inside




nice..wonder if anyone thinks of me these days

nice line

" the greater the love, the greater the tragedy "

wee

ok so the show's over..but it was the most fun thing i've done in awhile... albeit the most cocked up but it was syiokkkkkkk. i bet i looked ridiculous with the arm bands at my elbows. and it was hilarious when the ping!ping! sounds broke my concentration on stage...but yeah..it was a cool performance. i was laughing the whole time. btw, the ping!ping! sounds are actually all our arm bands dropping onto the stage floor........


finally got to know them a whole better.. sitting at marina square on sat was nice...romantic even. hmmm...i should say itz a bit shocking and graphic what i've heard but now i'm all the wiser about the issue..and more open-minded. so yupz here i am with this cream on my face ( i dunno wat but it smells like calamine lotion to me) drinking milo and being bored.... but i guess i'm doing ok... occupied with stuff right now but my smoking has gotten worse... sigh... find myself buying pack after pack... but at least i'm not on reds anymore..but tobacco is still tobacco right...
i'm hungry.. actually i need a fag more but cant. damn. just now i had to lots to say but it has all gone kaput now. reading schindler's list for the second time.... cool stuff.


i dunno wat the hell is the problem with me and akbar............... arghhhhhh. we fight too much! the whole time we're out..and that's quite often, we're like shuddup lah... go away lah.. and i'm forever hitting him. yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? so damn irritating. bah. shall msg him later. how the hell did i become his dance partner and survive the whole thing? and how come at the end of the day, although we squabble like little kids A LOT, my head still lands on his shoulder? weird stuff i tell you...


fuck....the whole thing is starting again right under my nose... do i have the heart to wreck a happy family...MINE???? gawd i need help on this. immediate relief would be of course a fag. thank gawd for hueva first discovered the joy of tobacco.

and please stop having preconceived notions abt me..stop feeling sorry for me, stop thinking that you know how i feel because damnit u dont know me. and stay out of my business. all u bloody mothafuckas have done enough damage.


on a lighter note....... i've discovered a true friend. for now. as for love...who the hell is *****?????????????? huh????????

phuck you

sigh sigh sigh.... am so tired today.... ah boy has finally been circumsized.... but i cant see him yet coz i'm having my period. i dont see the connection there but then again... waddeheck... lotsa things dont make sense...like how i can go on and on and on loving someone although it doesnt make sense to me at all....

and it doesnt make sense what the hell u were trying to do... but dont you come to me saying.. oh i hope u're fine ( bcoz i'm not. i have a stiff neck from patting the baby to sleep and not having any myself and spending the whole night resting my head on my arm) and that u're in this and that and i read your blog everyday because u bloody bastard, i dont fucking care.... you have made my life hell when i clearly gave up so much for you but you never fucking appreciated me.

but who am i kidding. i still care about you no matter what. i still dont understand y now, so many months after all the shit started i still forgive your every wrong when knowing myself i'd usually have run far away by this time. and i dont understand y all this shit happened to me.


so yupz here i am typing away with a stiff neck and trying hard to make some sense out of my life. i dont regret what happened but it does leave a bitter taste in the mouth..
love...such a funny word.